I think my marriage is over

Soalone: so sorry you are in this lonely place. The more you post, the more it is evident that you are kidding yourself about his behavior. He alone is responsible for his hurtful actions. Take care of your kids and yourself. Be prepared to move on. You are not responsible for his actions in anyway. Please guard your heart

So sorry he's into blaming you again - then leaves for the night. You were set up: he blames you, makes you feel like s**t then leaves. This is NOT good for your health. Whatever person who counseled you that you have responsibility in his behavior is a nimrod. You are being gas lighted.

Those "nice" periods are calculated to throw you off balance. You'll be soon praising him for very minor things, so eager you will be deny the truth. Wealthy guys will go by their wife's jewelry after being with a hooker or mistress.

And telling off your superior in a meeting is very poor judgement. That's a 1:1 talk. Embarrassing the superior in front of his work group is a career killing move. Your husband is out of control. That's the last thing you need. I won't say anything about his illusion that someone wouldn't report him to HR. Someone who's being sexual with co-workers is going to piss someone off sooner or later.

Goingto a different counselor is a good idea, and start planning an exit strategy in case you need it.

Whatever you decide to do, consult with a a lawyer, plan an exit strategy, get your ducks in a row. Whether you need to implement any of these or not, at least you'll be prepared. Best wishes

He doesn't need to know you are seeing a lawyer. Maybe take your mom or a friend you trust with you.

I feel like you should proceed with caution and not haste. From what I can tell, it seems way too soon to arrive at the decision to divorce. It hasn't been even two weeks since you confronted him about the texting (original post above dated 1/15/2016). What we know is he was texting another woman, maybe a number of women, but I haven't read anything about a physical, sexual relationship he's covering up. The texting was done with your knowledge until you became uncomfortable with it. Now he wants to blame you for his troubles at work. It still doesn't add up to the point of taking the drastic step towards divorce.

You expect your husband to stick with you through the roller coaster ride of bc difficulties, yet when he's starting to spiral a bit out of control, some are telling you to walk away? It seems like a double standard to me. You say your marriage may never be the same, but both of you were in some kind of denial about the state of your marriage for a period of time before this, so at least parts of the marriage weren't what either of you thought it was. Now you are getting into the nitty gritty of being open and honest. Hang in there.

Life throws us continuous curves. Is your life and the lives of your children truly going to improve if you divorce? I had difficulties in my marriage that resolved over time, I am saying months and years, as we moved forward with our lives.

As stated, we don't know all the details of your situation. But try to take this a day at a time and try not to predict the future. The title of your post says "I think my marriage is over" rather than something like "Huge marriage difficulties". Please stay open-minded. Let your feelings to your husband be known. If he says, 'I don't want to come home', make sure to tell him that it hurts to hear that. Tell him you still hope the two of you can work things out, if that's how you feel. Say that you two are a team and need to work together to make it through the rough times, if that's what you think. You may need to repeat these things to him at various times. He seems to have lost his balance a bit, but that usually evens out after awhile.

I'm glad you're seeking professional help.

WWhen my husband went through the worst part of his straying it was a direct reaction to the extreme stress we were under when it became clear our DS would be permanently disabled. People react to helplessness and stress differently. It sounds like your DH is self destructing. He has to find a way to pull himself together, maybe therapy will help.

SoAlone,

Change happens over time. It is good that the texting and communicating with the other woman stopped. Tho not his fault he received it, the new selfie from another woman employee your husband received should be deleted by him. I don't understand that kind of behavior among women, either. Sometimes I feel like some women try to stir up drama so try to ignore it.

It will take time to work thru your hurt and anger. It may help your husband to put some distance between his actions before he is more willing to talk about it. And maybe he never will claim he was in the wrong. When my son was a teenager, he gave some insight into how guys think when I was fighting with his dad. He said, "Mom, Dad said he was sorry and now you can't just keep bringing up the thing he did wrong. He doesn't want to keep hearing it because to him, it's over. And he feels crummy when you keep bringing it up again and again. " And that made sense to me. I sometimes harp on things a bit too much, but i try to accept apologies and move forward.

You can forgive tho you don't have to forget. Keep your radar up. If he does something you think is questionable, mention it right away if you are uncomfortable with it.

Try to do some new things together as a couple to create some new memories and get your mind focused on a new chapter in your lives. I am glad the two of you continue to work thru this.

Have just seen this topic I think. He was a loving husband and then had a sudden behavior change. Months yes, but sudden based on his whole life. Anyone suggest he needs a physical. I've read enough to know he's being a schmuck, but he's a sudden schmuck.

SoAlone

I have some experience in dealing with these issues and one thing that I made a huge difference was when dh acknowledged he was wrong and acknowledged that his actions hurt me. Without that I don't know that I could move forward and try forgive him. How can you forgive someone who doesn't think they did anything wrong? We both went to support groups during this time and they were very helpful for us....this was at our church.

This all happened before cancer came to town and I just can't even imagine how bad it would have been during cancer.

I strongly believe though that w/o him realizing he was wrong it will be very difficult to move forward.

take care and wishing you the best ((hugs))

Hi Soalone!

There are some people who sometimes can't ID what detail caused/created a change in appearance. Especially if the change made you look the way (in their mind) you're "supposed to look." He may not have realized it was the eyebrows, but he might have noticed that you looked especially "nice," "rested," "pretty" or something else.

Maybe your husband is one of those? (I say that as a woman who sometimes doesn't notice when my father--who was perfectly clean-shaven his entire life--has cleaned up his now-usual "scruffy" look. It's always a disappointment to him that I don't notice. But I honestly have it engrained that clean-shaven is how he's supposed to look. What I notice is the "scruff" when he has it, while silently wishing he'd get rid of it! (When he calls it to my attention, I can only apologize and explain that he now looks the way I think he always should. And that he looks wonderful.)

Note that I always notice clothes (and on a woman makeup), but shaving on my Dad? What can I say...

If you think your husband might be one of those, asking him if he's noticed (without telling him what you want him to notice) is setting a trap for him (and you). And setting the two of you up for an argument. Yes, tell him about it. But tell him that "comparisons are odious"--there's almost no comparison that will lead to a happy mood between the two of you.

This sounds like a perception/behavior issue that a couples' therapist could help you two with. You need to develop your "scripts." The unspoken script you're using right now (in your mind) sounds like:

You think: I want to feel better..maybe updating my look adding makeup will make me feel better. [So you do those things...think you look better and consequently feel better.]

You hear: Women/Girls @ School: Say they see the change and tell you how it enhances your look. Now you're focused on getting a similar response from your husband. But he doesn't give you the response you're looking for.

Note that he may have been desperately thrashing around looking for something to say about eyebrows at that point. So he says he noticed that you didn't have a high arch. (Notice that he didn't even have the words to describe eyebrows!) [Did he really say he was confusing your face with "hers"??? or is that something you assumed?

What he needs to learn to say is what I suspect you really wanted to hear. Something like: "I thought you looked particularly nice/pretty/happy...but I didn't realize it was eyebrows that made the difference. Love you!"

But you need to give him a break if he's not the kind who notices specific details of dress/grooming.

Practicing these sorts of dialogs with a couples counselor can help you find a way to express the ways you each feel, and what you want/need from your partner in response.

HTH (best wishes)!

LisaAlissa

Eta: "as" in parenthetical in second para. I'm the woman who keeps not noticing my Dad has shaved.

wait...this woman works for your husband directly? He's her boss