I think my marriage is over

As I mentioned before, it is okay for you to reassess a situation and change your mind about what behavior you find acceptable or not. It is okay for a couple to reevaluate their relationship with each other and talk about boundaries. I've had those discussion from time to time over the years with my husband. I learned to listen to my own intuition and trust my own instincts more. I feel like that's what you're doing, listening to your gut telling you something is off, something is not quite right. It may be that your marriage is in need of a 'correction' where it's veered off course and needs to get back on track. If that's the case, you & the mister need to talk about it and agree on how to move forward with respect and what you are and are no longer comfortable with.

I am reading a book now that speaks about how people with life changingillness have a need to move to a more authentic relationship with those around them because that which is genuine still has meaning. It could be that is what you're seeking. I know have no patience for insincerity and it influences my interaction with others.

Can I ask the name of that book TheDivineMrsM? I don't want to highjack her post but I also am dealing with what do and don't I put up with from my boyfriend. Zero emotional support going through these test and waiting.I have not been diagnosed yet I will know Friday. And I have to say also what the man is putting me through emotionally with trying to figure out WHY act this way at THIS time in our life is worse than the tests and worry. I made major changes to the people in my life the first time I had cancer and it looks like I didn't make the right choices going forward. I am still somehow letting these nonauthentic people into my life.

Sending you much love and many hugs. Best wishes and may you receive the guidance you need to make the best decision for you and your kids. X

I'm glad you were able to talk with your husband without fighting, that always helps clear the air. I hope you can continue to move in a positive direction. If you trust your therapist all the better, I hope she is right. I do just want to point out that therapists are people too and just because one says something it doesn't mean what s/he says is absolutely always the case. Trust your gut, it knows better than your head or your heart.

Another book I recommend (I love Proper Care and Feeding) is His Needs Her Needs by Willard Harley. Great marriage book. SoAlone, I am glad you have a counselor that doesn't seem to be pushing divorce. So many do unfortunately. Do not accept responsibility for his bad decisions though. Take ownership of what is on YOUR side of the fence.

Leslie, with all due respect I don't think anybody on this board has enough information to come to the conclusions you are making.

On a separate note, everyone has a different picture of a perfect marriage and what suits once couple may not necessarily be good for another. And that's OK.

Musky,

Her husband's behaviors are common with cheaters. There's red flags all over his actions.

Normally I agree with you that other people should be given privacy. But she needs to know what to do and what's truly going on. If she can't relax with him, she's under additional stress which makes her cancer harder to treat.

You are entitled to your opinion, so am I. Most of the forum feedback has been he's displaying behaviors many would find unacceptable. SoAlone has asked for opinions. I have personal experience with cheating men. Since my divorce I've had many married men try to cheat with me. It's against my values, but many men will cheat given the opportunity. Then there's my Dad ... When questioned he became angry and physically abusive at times.

If your partner asked you if you were being unfaithful, and you weren't what would you do? You'd ask what you were doing that made him feel that and change it. You'd let him look at your phone and try to help him feel more secure, not get mad.

Are you saying that introducing another woman as his future wife is OK? Even in Open Relationships, there's a commitment that says it's only sex with someone else, but you stay fateful to the marriage. I don't believe they have an open marriage.

SoAlone, the therapist makes some good points, I get what she's saying about distractions, ect. To add to her advice, one bit of very helpful marital insight I learned awhile ago (from a book) was "Recognize repair attempts." So if my husband and I were mad each other, rather than say he was sorry, he might do something like wash my car. Or rather than say I'm sorry to him, I might bake his favorite dessert. It is a repair attempt and a sort of "saving face" because sometimes it's just hard to say the words "I'm sorry". Then, maybe a few days after the heat of the disagreement has cooled down, we could discuss the matter more level headed. This has been a very valuable insight to me.

Something else I read years ago and bide by is always look my best when fighting. No waking in the morning with bad breath, bed head hair and sloppy pjs and starting a fight. I shower, wear nice clothes, do my hair, fix myselfto look good before going over those important matters.

I so agree that your marriage can overcome the issues you face and it sounds like you have a good therapist, too.

Leslie, I'm sorry your dad was the way he was. Certainly that affects the way you see things, knowing that some men lead a double life because of your own experience growing up. My own experiences make me question things and Ihave a side of me that sees red flags sooner than other people. That can be a blessing or a curse but it has made me trust my own instinct more,

So Alone, I'm glad you're seeking professional help. However, I'm going to disagree with your therapist. I absolutely do not feel you over reacted to your husband's relationships with other women. If my husband referred to another woman as his future wife, I would be devastated, and if I referred to another man as my future husband, my hubby would also be disturbed. In my opinion, I don't think it's necessary for spouses to have friends of the opposite sex. You said that the reason women seek out your husband is because he makes them feel safe. You, his wife have been feeling anything but safe in your marriage. His energy is misplaced with these other women. Cancer or no cancer, his emotional focus should be placed on you. I have no doubt if it were you having the type of relationship he's having with his colleague, he would not be happy about it.

His relationship with other women invalidates you and your marriage. And he knows what he's doing is wrong.

Agreed. I think the worst thing a single person can do is get involved with a married person, or someone in a relationship. From the first day of my divorce I had propositions. Our neighbor who was far older and much less attractive than my husband came over to offer his "services." And he wasn't talking yard or home tasks. I don't think I'm more attractive, but more convient. I am retired and have my home so these losers think they can come and go as they wish. And professional Conferences are the worst. Men are desparate to get a little while away. Statistics show over 50% of men cheat. Women are doing it more too. Some women, especially with high powered, monied men tolerate cheating because they love their lifestyle and overlook it.

So, yes, I'm quite cynical when it comes to men. It's probably why I never remarried

DivineM,

You are describing someone with narcissistic tendencies. They feel empty if they aren't receiving constant praise. SoAlone's husband may be one. You also know they're frequently cheaters. My Dad used Community and Volunteer activities to hide behind the cloak of "Goodness" and get away from my Mom. But look at an excessive "do gooder" and you'll likely find a narcissist. If she's the woman at Church who's first to visit the sick or volunteer, she's benign. I'd let her do what she wanted. But if it's a man or woman in a marriage who needs to feel attractive to others - that's different

It's SoAlone's decision as to whether she wants to work things through, with advice from her counselor. My husband actively cooperated with me in counseling, and we both felt we needed to try our best. Even so, our therapist stated we were one of the few couples she recommended divorce. The problems were too great.

My point is that therapists rarely recommend divorce until they have ample info. But divorce is hard too, there's never easy answers in her circumstances.

SoAlone, I'm glad that you and your husband are working together to heal and create an environment that makes you both happy.

As for those other women? As they say, "The best revenge is living well." At the end of the day he is still your husband. He didn't choose them; he chose you. Don't lower yourself to their level. Taking the moral high ground just makes them look even worse.

"SoAlone, I say "don't do it" to the advice to become friends with those selfish women at your husband's work and throw out digs about those taking advantage of a man who's wife has a terminal illness. It's a complete and total waste of your time and energy. There are much, much better ways to live your life. I agree with MissBee's philosophy "Living well is the best revenge". However the dropping in at work from time to time, go for it."

Excellent advice. Although there may be some short term satisfaction in snarky digs, don't waste a minute of your time and energy on this type of revenge. Focus on what is positive and constructive for you.

It does sound like your husband may be missing what men do best - fix things. When my brother stayed with me during my BMX, he completely cleaned my garage. And if I was married, my husband would be my wing man in cancer treatment. I have girlfriends because I have no significant other. If working on communication and change is working, that's great!

Now a little flirty behavior is OK, if you both agree, but if he's their manager he can't flirt w/o risking sexual harassment charges. He shouldn't ever be alone with them unwitnessed. If he's dumb enough to have relations with a co-worker, especially a subordinate (but doesn't have to be) if he ends things and hurts them, you could have a legal mess on your hands.

Hell hath no fury like a woman (or man) scorned