I panic every now and then!

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etnasgrl
etnasgrl Member Posts: 650
edited March 2016 in Mental Health: Because Cancer Doesn't Just Affect Your Breasts

My prognosis is very good. Caught early. Very treatable. Clean margins and no cancer in the lymph nodes. All excellent news, for which I am VERY grateful.

But, every now and then, I will look at my son's face and panic. I don't want him to be without a mother. It scares me that one day the cancer will return, more aggressive and more deadly. Obviously, if it did I would fight, fight, fight......but sometimes this panic creeps up on me and takes my breath away.

Those who have never experienced cancer can't really understand. And there is absolutely nothing that anyone can do, I guess just needed to let that out.

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  • CatsRus
    CatsRus Member Posts: 310
    edited January 2016

    totally agree etnasgrl. I have my moments too, I'm hoping time helps. I don't think these 'moments' will ever totally go away but I'm hoping the time between gets longer and longer. Venting is a good thing.

    Be well.

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  • Brutersmom
    Brutersmom Member Posts: 563
    edited January 2016

    Etnasgrl You have only finished the bulk of your treatment. We all have those feelings. Christmas and the what if's were very hard for me. I found that sharing my feelings with fellow cancer patients (I work with several) has been very helpful. We all shared similar feelings. I am glad you shared. I think the longer you are cancer free the better you will feel.

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  • etnasgrl
    etnasgrl Member Posts: 650
    edited January 2016

    Thank you both!

    Smile

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  • eellek
    eellek Member Posts: 25
    edited February 2016

    etnasgrl, I feel the exact same way.   Scares me so much, and I find myself upset, and in tears a lot. I had a lumpectomy june 8, 2015., and RAD, now I am taking Tamoxifen.... Dr. wants me to do genetic testing...  I am so worried about the mammo that is coming up.


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  • KateB79
    KateB79 Member Posts: 747
    edited February 2016

    I worry a lot, too. If we completed treatment (I did chemo, am finishing rads and Herceptin, planning to take Tamoxifen for 10 years), the statistics are on our side. And I like to think logically. . . . But there's definitely a needling little voice that tells me not to be too optimistic.

    Which is crazy, you know? But also completely normal.

    We just bought a new house, and I'm trying SO hard not to let the image of me dying in that house have any space in my brain.

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  • Hopeful82014
    Hopeful82014 Member Posts: 3,480
    edited March 2016

    I feel as though it's always somewhere on my mind. My cancer was pretty sneaky/unpredictable and I have a PALB2 mutation; I feel as though I'm always playing whack a mole with potential problems. I'd like to think it will get better with time but in the meantime I'm really grateful for my husband, my medical team and others who 'get it' - including those of you here at BCO.

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  • labelle
    labelle Member Posts: 721
    edited March 2016

    Yup, me too. Should I cash in the retirement money and go cruising or ought I leave it alone because I'll need it when I'm older? I'd hate to leave it all for my husband to spend without me! LOL.

    It's pretty normal to be plagued by uncertainty since no one can tell us for sure that we are cured and will never have to deal with this again, even when the prognosis is generally good. The lack of clearcut answers or even good data about recurrences is frustrating and there is no way around that. However, lots of people find it gets easier with time. I don't panic/obsess/worry about BC as much as I did a year ago and hope to panic/obsess/worry even less about it a year from now.

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  • Meadow
    Meadow Member Posts: 2,007
    edited March 2016

    Thank you for this thread. I am generally upbeat and positive. Yesterday being Leap Day, I told the Spouse, "Happy Leap Day". He grunted a response that meant an unimpressed, "Oh,yeah". LOL. I found myself thinking, "But what if this is my last leap year? Four more years is a big deal in IBC cancer terms. I felt no need to point that out to him, I rather like thinking he doesn't go there automatically. Shows me he believes I am good to go. Truth is, none of us are sure when our days are up, cancer or no cancer. But I do think about it, as you said above, every now and then.

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  • Hopeful82014
    Hopeful82014 Member Posts: 3,480
    edited March 2016
    Meadow, here's to many more Leap Days for you - and for all of us!
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  • Meadow
    Meadow Member Posts: 2,007
    edited March 2016

    Thank you Hopeful!

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  • Meow13
    Meow13 Member Posts: 4,859
    edited March 2016

    me too, sometime I worry about not being there for my boys

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  • DoggieBytes
    DoggieBytes Member Posts: 100
    edited March 2016

    Fear of reoccurence. American Cancer Society has literature on it. I was going to post in my old "Bad Cancer Patient" thread because yesterday I had an absolute melt down, full blown panic attack when I found out my liver levels are going up and I need a CT scan.

    I spoke with a counselor on the phone. She said something I already know, but have trouble coping with at times, after cancer your life is never the same. You'll feel a pain and wonder. You'll cough a bit too much and wonder. Where fear and appropriate caution intersect, it's hard. At least for me it is. Most days I'm fine. I stay out of the extreme fear zone but every once and awhile something pushes my threshold. Yesterday it took an Ativan to get me grounded again, something I hadn't used or needed for a year now.

    You'll be cruising along, sun is shining kids are playing, dog is in your lap and the phone rings. It's the cancer center. The shakes start, trembling, sick to the stomach. Most of the time it's a reminder or for a prescription. Then there will be those times where something didn't look right in your blood work, or your last check up.

    Our lives will never be like they were before cancer. Figuring out how to cope with the uncertainty is key. I still struggle with this but there is help.

    American Cancer Society has a toll free number and they will provide emotional support over the phone and also help you locate free/affordable counselors trained in oncology. 1-800-227-2345

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  • Numb
    Numb Member Posts: 432
    edited March 2016

    I feel exactly like all you posters here and I can identify with melt downs and near panic attacks.  One minute I am in despair and then I find if I go out and do something else not related to cancer it takes my mind off myself.  Waiting for chemo and am already overwhelmed with the thoughts of it.  Scared of a recurrence when I haven't even had treatment for the first occurrence yet.  Wishing that we can all calm down and have a good future ahead of us.

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  • Cathy_pa
    Cathy_pa Member Posts: 23
    edited March 2016

    just a note to say you are all amazing. I posted my own panic and "falling apart, hiding away" thread in this forum. I am one day shy of being 4 weeks out from my mastectomy...And it truly comes and goes... Life goes on and I am hoping every day to keep going with it...

    You all REALLY AMAZE me with your bravery and strength... And being there for me and for each other.... It's just the best 😘

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