Dumped on NYE

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blondedoris
blondedoris Member Posts: 197
edited August 2017 in Mental Health: Because Cancer Doesn't Just Affect Your Breasts

Or rather, my soon-to-be ex-husband told me that he no longer loves me, and it's not me, it's him.

Damn straight it's him. I've been a metster for 12 months and in that time he attended one oncology appt as he was busy with work for all the others. I never asked him to attend chemo or radio with me as I knew how hard he was working and felt guilty for no longer bringing in a salary. And I just love the way he realises that he doesn't love me when he's blown through the last of my pensions and insurances. He's felt this way since Aug but has only just thought to tell me about it now. How considerate....and NYE! I used to love NYE.

Fury doesn't quite cover my temper right now and first thing Monday I'm getting the best lawyer I can afford. Which sounds better than it actually will be but any help on my side will be a good thing.

How the heck did I not see this coming?! So now I'm 41, single, broke and dying. I'm going to sue for spousal support and then live as long as possible just to spite the dirtbag.

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  • BarredOwl
    BarredOwl Member Posts: 2,433
    edited January 2016

    Hi BlondeDoris:

    Just wanted you to know someone is listening. I am so sorry he has not been there for you and that you were ambushed like that with all you are dealing with.

    BarredOwl


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  • blondedoris
    blondedoris Member Posts: 197
    edited January 2016

    Thank you Owl x

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  • mustlovepoodles
    mustlovepoodles Member Posts: 2,825
    edited January 2016

    What a dolt! I'd love to say I can't believe your DH did that, but the same thing happened to my cousin. I hope you can gather up all the financial records this weekend and be ready to do battle on Monday.

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  • Nancy2581
    Nancy2581 Member Posts: 1,234
    edited January 2016

    What a jerk. I'm so sorry - you don't deserve any of this. I don't see how anyone can do this to someone battling stage IV. Thinking of you

    Nancy

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  • Jackbirdie
    Jackbirdie Member Posts: 4,693
    edited January 2016

    he doesn't deserve you, and you'll be better off without him. having said that, the timing is awful.

    Sending a big hug from a long way away. Sue him for everything you can get. I agree you should get your hands on the financial records.


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  • blondedoris
    blondedoris Member Posts: 197
    edited January 2016

    Thank you all - it means a lot to know you're listening x

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  • LisaAlissa
    LisaAlissa Member Posts: 1,092
    edited January 2016

    And whatever you do, get that legal advice asap--before you do anything (even tomorrow if you can find a divorce lawyer to talk with).  You need to check the status of all joint assets.  So that he doesn't drain accounts and/or transfer assets away.

    What a rotten thing to do--and even a more rotten time to do it.

    Hang in there!

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  • Lucy55
    Lucy55 Member Posts: 3,044
    edited January 2016

    Blondedoris.. Ugh.. I wish I lived closer to you ( I'm from Queensland) and I'd go with you to the solicitors for moral support, and help you kick his butt to the curb !! ( Hugs)

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  • exbrnxgrl
    exbrnxgrl Member Posts: 12,424
    edited January 2016

    blondedoris,

    Good on you for getting to an attorney ASAP. I don't know about laws in Australia, but do what you must to protect any assets. In the US,they would advise you to close all joint accounts (bank, credit cards etc.). Immediately. I know it may seem overwhelming now, but as someone who went through a stage IV dx without a husband, you will be much better off without this jerk. Although I divorced before bc, my ex would have been useless at best.

    I laughed at your last comment. After my dx, my ex kept asking my dd about my health. I am sure he was hoping I would die so he could get out of paying spousal support. I made sure that would never happen! I continue to live, and live well. Freedom from this poor excuse for a man will bring you a happy 2016 (even if the path is a bit rocky),

    Caryn


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  • MelissaDallas
    MelissaDallas Member Posts: 7,268
    edited January 2016

    Blonedoris, screw him! I'm a family law paralegal and wish I could help upu in Australia

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  • MusicLover
    MusicLover Member Posts: 4,225
    edited January 2016

    I am so sorry.

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  • bevin
    bevin Member Posts: 1,902
    edited January 2016

    I am not stage 4 but saw the headline and wanted to offer support. A dear family friend went through similar divorce issues while she was with her stage 4 diagnosis. Her husband was a jerk and somehow turned it all on her. She also sought a strong divorce attorney and I recall her sharing that the best advise her lawyer gave her was to NOT move out of their marital home. No matter how hard it was to be with the jerk she should never, not ever abandon or walk out of their home and go live with a parent or friend. This helped her immeasurably when it came time for actual divorce court and fight ensued over who left who. Hoping this advice will prove useful for you.

    I am so sorry you are going through this and wish you peace.

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  • blondedoris
    blondedoris Member Posts: 197
    edited January 2016

    heyas

    I can't actually move out as I have nowhere to go. All my family are back in the UK and I wouldn't want my beloved Labrador accidentally trashing my friends houses.

    The plan is to engage a solicitor on Monday, and force him to sell it (it's in both our names) and buy out half the content value from me. Then I can move back to the UK to be with people who really do love me.

    And I still want spousal support. Just about to take the last of my payout out of the joint acct. I'm leaving enough in there to cover the credit card but it's about time he paid his way. Dirtbag.

    Thank you all so much for posting; it's helping me feel not so alone xxxxx

    Colette

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  • exbrnxgrl
    exbrnxgrl Member Posts: 12,424
    edited January 2016

    Colette,

    Glad you're seeking legal help ASAP. Divorce laws not only vary by country, but in the US, by state. For instance, California is a no-fault, community property state. Doesn't matter who left who or who did what. Everything earned, purchased or acquired during the marriage is divided 50/50, including debt. Spousal support, especially if both spouses are working is rare. I managed to get spousal support for 7 years, despite having a full time job, thanks to a good lawyer.

    I wish you the best !

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  • AZ85048
    AZ85048 Member Posts: 2,613
    edited January 2016

    Colette (blondedoris) - I just wanted to add my voice to the masses and express my utter disdain for your ex. You've gotten a lot of good advice from the ladies above, It's obvious that your ex doesn't deserve you - and you are definitely better off without a man who has shown himself to be this shallow and callous.

    Please go after him for every cent that he has, and do not relent. You should feel no mercy for him, as it appears he's had none for you. The last thing you should have to worry about now is money, and I have every faith that a court will see that too. Stick to your plan and protect yourself and your assets as soon as you possibly can. My very best wishes to you!

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  • blondedoris
    blondedoris Member Posts: 197
    edited January 2016

    Thanks everyone!

    Feeling a bit better - have statements of the mortgage offset account that he was meant to be paying into, and it turns out all my money went so fast is because he hasn't paid anything into it since Oct. Will trawl through the past 12 months and see what else he hasn't paid. I'm not working atm as we agreed that he would support me (which was just as well as my first chemo this time was xeloda and vinorelbine which beat me up a bit. Paclitaxel is much more civilised in comparison). Also have proof of how much he earnt last year (thank you tax return paperwork!) so feel a bit more confident that if I walk into the solicitors office and start crying again at least I'll have some documents so I don't look like a complete victim.

    But if he keeps sitting around with his face looking like a smacked arse telling me how bad he feels I might end up on an assault charge.

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  • BarredOwl
    BarredOwl Member Posts: 2,433
    edited January 2016

    Hi BlondeDoris:

    I am pleased to hear that he is appropriately suffering from some self-loathing.

    Thinking about you.

    BarredOwl

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  • molliefish
    molliefish Member Posts: 723
    edited January 2016

    Are you in the same house still? Kick his Arse OUT. Pack his bags, send him to the store for something, and put those bags on the stoop. What a piece of work.

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  • voraciousreader
    voraciousreader Member Posts: 7,496
    edited January 2016

    A year and a half ago when my cousin was finishing up chemo and was about to begin radiation, her dirt bag husband put the brakes on their 40 plus year marriage...as they were out the door to visit friends for dinner....She cancelled the dinner plans...but that was about all that she cancelled. Not yet ready to trust herself yet, nor trust any other male or female. Seems he was carrying on with one of their "friends." She is pretty wounded, both mentally and physically. HOWEVER, she is beginning to regain her strength. Selling their home and dumping most of his belongings has been therapeutic.


    Today she is living in a beautiful high rise and has surrounded herself with her long list of family members...which includes HIS family! They have come down on her side and have dumped him as well! What is also interesting is that until recently, her friends were her priority. Not that they aren't now...but now she has rekindled many family ties. Hope you get where I'm going with this story...you aren't the first, nor sadly, will you be the last who will experience such a crushing blow. If there is a moral to this story it is that the beauty of humanity lies with resiliency. I can only imagine how difficult it must be for you especially since you will be in active treatment forever. I hope one day soon you will have the fortitude to make each and every day be filled with much happiness. And, your husband? You are better off now knowing what kind of fool he is. I pity the lawyer whom he hires. Doubt the lawyer will have the stomach to face a judge on his behalf!


    I wish you the best and I'm channeling my strength in your direction! Gentle hugs too!

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  • Jinx27
    Jinx27 Member Posts: 238
    edited January 2016

    I've never been married, but I have been dumped and that feeling is horrible. I'm wishing the best comeback for you!!! Continue to protect yourself. Counseling is good too.

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  • sas-schatzi
    sas-schatzi Member Posts: 19,603
    edited January 2016

    Blondedoris. Total butt wad. Great advice from everyone. Wipe him out. Jerk has been planning this for months. Get the rest of the money out of the bank or pay that credit off ASAP and close the account like Caryn suggested. Then, also, consider freezing your credit. You can reverse it. The solicitor or one of the gals here may know if that's helpful at this point.

    So, sorry you are going through this.

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  • sas-schatzi
    sas-schatzi Member Posts: 19,603
    edited January 2016

    This link is to another divorce thread here on BCO. May be that they're some pearls to help stick it to him.

    https://community.breastcancer.org/forum/102/topics/818461?page=2#idx_31


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  • Englishmummy
    Englishmummy Member Posts: 337
    edited January 2016

    What a piece of work! BlondeDoris: You are an amazingly vibrant lady, I (usually) enjoy reading your posts, please don't let that POS dull your shine. I know you must have conflicted feelings - believe me I know it's hard to be away from family (I'm from London transplanted in the USA) but do what's best for you, just you.....hope the door doesn't smack him too hard on his way out.

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  • blondedoris
    blondedoris Member Posts: 197
    edited January 2016

    Thanks again everyone. He should be served with the first notice early next week; I've already proved he hasn't contributed equally to the property and assets, and the lawyer thinks the minimum I'm entitled to is the value of the terminal illness payout I had. He has nowhere near the assets to cover that, but I can petition for 100% of the net profit of the house and ask for his pension. After that, I can apply for spousal maintenance. The ex wanted to stay married to 'support' me through what's coming, but I'm pretty sure he suggested that as if we were still married when I die then he gets all of the house and contents, and if I'd made a will saying otherwise he could challenge it in the courts. I've also applied for a special dispensation to speed the whole process up; here in WA divorce takes a year but I have a medical cert dated Dec 2014 saying I wasn't expected to live past 12 months so they can use that as special circumstances. My new will leaving him fudge all comes into effect as soon as the divorce petition hits the courts - that should be by mid feb.

    He's mentioned he's getting his company's lawyer to look over the proposals I sent him; OK, you pitch your corporate lawyer against my family law barrister and we'll see how that works out. Another plus point of that is it'll show the people he works with his true calibre.

    It's strange how we were together for 11 years and married for 9, but I have no idea who this man is. Even sadder, it looks like this sort of thing happens a lot.

    Off for scans this afternoon - my lumpy lymph nodes aren't lumps anymore (seriously - there was one above the nip the size of an almond and since I've been on paclitaxel it's gone - it's not at all palpable anymore) so fingers crossed the lung lesions have shrunk too.

    much love to everyone and here's to 2016 bringing better treatments for all of us!

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  • glennie19
    glennie19 Member Posts: 6,398
    edited January 2016

    (((blondedoris))) Sending you hugs and support!! Hope your scans go well. It sounds like your legal proceedings are going well!! Excellent! Stick it to him!!

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  • MusicLover
    MusicLover Member Posts: 4,225
    edited January 2016

    I think you are correct better to split now if he feels this way then he won't get everything and you are correct from what I have read on here it does happen often, terrible side effect of cancer.

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  • MoreShoes
    MoreShoes Member Posts: 322
    edited January 2016

    Blondedoris, you're 41, single and fabulous! Glad you manage to keep a straight head in all of these and take the right steps. Get rid of him and get everything.

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  • sas-schatzi
    sas-schatzi Member Posts: 19,603
    edited January 2016

    MoreShoes Here, Here... " Get rid of him and get everything." Well said!

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  • blondedoris
    blondedoris Member Posts: 197
    edited January 2016

    LOL you ladies crack me up! Thank you for your support; it really does mean the world to me

    xxx

    (btw, the dog is chewing up his cycling shoes. Ain't that a shame...)

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  • glennie19
    glennie19 Member Posts: 6,398
    edited January 2016

    Good dog,,,, **throws dog a steak for reward**

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