metastatic breast cancer stage IV 3 bone mets

My wife was diagnosed a month ago and I can tell you what you and your husband are feeling right now is normal but even in just 30 days it gets better. Just breath and cry and let your husband do the same thing. Talk to your doctors and get a good plan in place. Once that happens some of the urgency seems to fade and life starts to come back into focus. I'm sorry that your part of this shitty disease but there is lots of encouragement out there. Lots of long time survivors and lots of reasons to fight! Thinking about you and your family tonight

I agree with the advice above

PLUS

God is in control!!!

hi Lisa. Terrified that's a great way to describe it. The feel of a financial burden, and emotional burden, and just and a time burden for our families, is very normal thinking. In tears on mine I had so many tears during those first few months. Give it some time. Once you see an oncologist and find out your options can make a plan. For me I got a little easier once I had a plan in place and knew what I could do. I definitely agree second opinion is needed. How old is your daughter? How is she doing? This is a great place to find information and support.

lissa, we have all experienced the roller coaster of emotions you are currently feeling. It does get better. Yes, you are worth the extra money those co pays are going to cost. You will make adjustments to how you live. It is a transition and won't happen overnight. It is normal to worry about the cost. Please take this one step at a time.

Take some deep breaths. Often. Ask your primary or onc for some antianxiety meds. Many of us use them to help us cope. Your way of looking at life has been forever altered. Another coping mechanism is to stop projecting yourself three and five years down the road. Many of us learn to live today, in the here and now. As stated, this new way of looking at life is a transition from the old way. For me, the antianxiety meds helped me stay more in the moment and wards off the fear that initially griped my thoughts.

It is going to help some when you get a treatment plan in place. My doctor advised me not to look up stuff on the internet, too scary and too much misinformation. I listened to him. Much of the info I need comes from this forum.

It is surprising that I have had some of the best moments of my life since being diagnosed with bc, not because of it but in spite of it. I consider myself to be LIVING with bc, not dying from it. At the end of this month, I'll be heading into the sixth year of dealing with stage iv bc. There is a post called "Life does not end with a stage iv diagnosis...really!" that you may draw some inspiration from. https://community.breastcancer.org/forum/8/topics/...

Best wishes to you as you navigate these new waters. We are here for you to offer support.

Lissa, I'm so sad you're going through this. You and I are similar in that I'm also 49 and have a child in high school (no adult kids, though), plus I grew up in Michigan, so your post particularly tugged at me. I wanted you to know that I have had pretty much every single thought you have over the last three months since my diagnosis, including giving up, being mad as all get out, suggesting to my DH we not spend one red cent on this so I can leave it all to the family, then deciding to fight like a maniac, and on and on. I think all of this must be completely normal because it sounds like most of us have had these same thoughts! It really does get a little better with time. I won't lie and say that these thoughts never show themselves again, but after the initial adjustment period, they lessen a good deal. I think the five stages of grief apply very much to a cancer diagnosis and that we all go through them and vacillate back and forth at times. You came to the right place for some help with your feelings. I felt very hopeless until I started reading here and realizing that life isn't over yet, hopefully not by a long shot. I'm glad you are going to the University of Michigan, a very solid cancer center. Hugs!

Lissa,

Ditto what everyone here has said. What you are experiencing is typical of what happens when you first hear the dx. Many of us are living well and I for one "buy" things I want. I did not see this suggested above, but I might have missed it. Many of us have been prescribed an anti anxiety or antidepressant medication. It has meant a world of difference to me and many others. Do not be afraid to ask for help, this is a tough, but very doable road we are on. "Better living thru chemistry"

Be well

Nel

I'm not sure why your doctor gave you a 3 to 5 year timeline. They simply do not know. Many oncologists will offer more hope and take the process one step at a time. My onc never said "you have this many years".

When a woman gets hit with this diagnosis out of the blue, she and and her loved ones sometimes react to misinformation simply because it's all new and there is so much information to digest. They may be operating on some erroneous perception as to what is supposed to happen. I think that's why some husbands think you have to immediately take the trip of a lifetime, like its a made-for-TV lifetime movie where there is much drama in the urgency of getting things done. My husband wanted us to just jump a plane to The Grand Canyon because I'd always wanted to see it and he just wanted me to have something to feel good about. But I didn't want a spontaneous, haphazard, hectic trip; it had to be something I was comfortable with.

The first year, I had the big treatments, chemo, rads, lumpectomy, hormone therapy. The following year, I started planning that Grand Canyon trip, saw it along with the Hoover Dam and spent a few days in Vegas and since then have been to numerous other places including a cruise to the Bahamas. I was in a much better place emotionally and mentally to enjoy those trips after the first year.

Lisalou

All of these posts have such great hope and wisdom. I was dx just over a year ago and this thread has given me a booster shot of hope.

My life has changed in this last year, but I have no regrets. I have given up work and focus on my 19 year old daughter and 14 year old son. I have been a saver my whole life and I am learning to be a spender. Some neighbors have become close friends. Some things havent changed. I am incredably imperfect and waste too much time in worry and arguing. I struggle to learn and grow. This website has given me so much support and wisdom.

If you are considering letting go of. work, know that metastatic breast cancer is on the compassionate allowance list with social security making the application process so much faster.

Wishing you peace

Mary

Kay,

Love the hesitancy on buying green bananas 😅

Caryn

I am glad you found this site although I'm sorry for the circumstances that brought you here. You've received marvelous input, and you'll see the commonality about how the initial weeks and months after a Stage IV diagnosis are the worst, and gradually you'll begin to feel a bit better - unbelievable as that sounds right now.

I'd highly suggest obtaining a second opinion about your treatment plan for peace of mind, and also might point out that if you have only 3 bone metastasis, you qualify as being "oligometastatic," (i.e. having very limited metastatic disease) which implies that with treatment your situation may potentially stand a chance of effecting a cure.

You may be trying to obtain information about your disease at a time when you are least equipped to do so. I was in the same position four years ago after being diagnosed with lung metastases. Subsequently I've written a Guide to mbc therapies to assist others through this difficult time. The Guide contains a chapter about oligometastasis, which you and your medical team may find of particular interest. If you are interested in requesting a complimentary copy of the Guide, please visit the top of this link after copying and pasting it into your Internet browser: https://community.breastcancer.org/forum/8/topics/831507?page=2#idx_31

I hope you respond well to your treatment and that one day soon you will find yourself reaching for those green bananas!

Lissalou, You have not let your team down. They know that you have no control over the situation. My mbc dx was just six months ago, and now I feel grat. We were settling into a normal life again, planning vacations, etc. Now it looks like my DH has kidney cancer. We have appts with specialists at two cancer centers this week and next. In no way do I feel that my DH has let me down. Sure, it is not the best time of year for this, but there is NO good time. Cancer sucks big time and doesn't care about interfering with lives.

Here is how I feel about my husband's situation. 1. He did not plan to have cancer. He has no control over that situation. 2. The money doesn't matter. It is better spent on helping my DH get through this crisis than on anything else. He means so much more to me than money does. The finances will be worked through later. 3. The holidays might be skimpy this year, but I truly believe that having family members together means more to most people than lots of gifts. Love and family deliver so many riches to us. 4. I want my DH to have a treatment plan in place asap so we can take the next steps. We can celebrate holidays later, if we have to.

I am sure your family treasures your well-being above all else. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers and look forward to reading your updates.

Btw, I plan to live for a long time with all these bones mets I have.

Lynne

Sounds to me like your family's love will bring you a longer way this Christmas and beyond than anything money can buy.

i was also 49 at diagnosis. Now I'm 58 and my daughter is in high school. Limited bone mets, like what I had, can be very manageable and you have a chance of even having a remission. Keep us posted on the second opinion.

amred your post is worth a lot, delighted to hear that you are 6 years down the road and despite your regular chemo (albeit with breaks) you are doing pretty well, skiing and jogging!! fair play to you. Also heidihill very encouraging to hear that you are nine years on and going strong. lissalou every good wish with the second opinion. 50sgirl I like your strong family values, hope your husband is doing well, clearly you are both very supportive and caring of each other and ultimately that's what it's all about.

lisalou, Your MO is just quoting you statistics, and you are not a data point. The statistics are based on old information, and much progress has been made in treatments. It is likely that we will not be cured, but it is also likely that we can live for many years with mbc. I told my onc and breast surgeon that I intend to live for a long time, and they are both onboard for helping me do just that.

Please do not give up hope. Find some threads on this board that focus on the same type of cancer you have. Read and join the discussions on the Bone Mets Thread. Read the thread that Caryn began about There is Life After Stage IV (I forget the exact title but someone will give it to you, I am sure.) There are many wise and supportive people here to help you through this. The first few weeks and months are the worst. It will get better, really.

I only told my family and only a few close friends about my dx last June. I continue to lively a fairly normal life with the addition of tests and dr appointments thrown in here and there. People who have not been told about my dx would never know that I have mbc. I look pretty darn good! Many people on these boards continue to work, travel, have fun, etc.

I will continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Let us know how you are doing.

Lynne

lissalou,

I was diagnosed with bone mets in 2004. After 8 rounds of chemo and 11 years and counting of femara, I am still in remission.

I was 47 when diagnosed and am now days away from turning 59.