Starting Chemo March 2015

Well, it's nice to see some company on the ledge (not really!) so I know I'm not the only one. Thanks for the spanking...just what I needed! I will stay away from those boards and try to just move on. 2015 cannot be done soon enough

I just went back to work today. I'm doing 3 days a week for now. Probably will keep this schedule until done with Herceptin and then back to full time

Lee - can't wait for the drunken catnapping story!

Bekah - what kind of work do you do?

Hello to everyone hanging in to th cliff's edge. It seems to be pretty crowded here - I've been stuck in this dark place since September, but I am starting to be a bit hopeful. I don't know. The end of active treatment seems a very hard transition, particularly after a lost year, where the whirl of diagnosis, surgery, chemo/rads, and pervasive illness has made a hash out of any sense of normalcy.

I, too, have some difficulty populating this year with memories. I think there are lots of reasons for that, but one of the biggest is the merciful nature of human memory. I remember being very sick during chemo, but the physical memory of exactly what that feels like is fading somewhat. Because I was feeling unwell much off the time, I have big gaps in my day to day memories.

Also, so much of what little energy we have was engaged in very personal pursuits. When we are very sick, we,don't have energy for the other things we normally would do, whether that is our close relationships, our jobs, or even our leisure pursuits. In "normal" times, for example, I used to have three or four books on the go at once, and when reading light material, like novel, I would grind through at least 150 pages an hour. During chemo, I had some vision "changes" and my attention span reduced me to picking through one or two paragraphs at a time. This means I don't have the mental images from a year of reading that I would otherwise have. Being alive and focusing on recovery uses it all, but doesn't leave much in the way of milestones to measure progress.

The transition from tending to your illness every day, with medical people following you and watching your every symptom, to being basically on your own to monitor your own symptoms is very jarring to me, and more than a bit frightening. I'm trying to learn how to function "with the fear", and while I can't claim success, there's a little piece of me that is hopeful.

I've had my second consultation and workout with a trainer today. My lymphedema didn't explode after the first one, so that's a good thing. I'm cleaning up my diet, and have lost 3 pounds already. I have quite a way to go, but I'm doing something. Maybe after the pathology Tumor board has weighed in on the DCIS and LCIS in my "prophylactic" mastectomy tissue, I will feel better. Right now, that appointment is scheduled for December 15

I'm reminded of a little plaque that my son got when he was a teen, though I can't remember the quote exactly. I'm going to track it down tonight when I get home, and will post it then. It's about courage.

Hugs to all of us hanging from the cliff....

Oh Karen! You just can't catch a break!!! I'm praying for scar tissue. We know physically that waiting 10 days wont make a difference but mentally it makes a big difference. Hang in there!

Bekah

That's good to hear since I just had fat grafting 2 weeks ago...

Karen, Sharon and Lee- my arms are around you all. I hate it that you have to wait. We are all here. Please let's all just hang out on the cliff for a couple of days. Much love. 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼

think I will be imbibing some bourbon tonight. And feeling myself up real good. And living in the fear locker for a bit. With ex husband stroke, friend breaking collar bone, mom in hospital again, getting ripped off at beach, coming home and having husband say our dog about got hit by a car today, and all the posts today, life is a scary place right now.

Karen, I am in disbelief. Yours has to be fat necrosis, what else could you have done to prevent a new tumor from growing? Gotta go find a star to wish on for you. And for everybody else too

Thanks ladies. I did this twice and got through fine, but the mere thought of having to do this a third time literally takes my breath away. I just want my life back for a while! I appreciate all of the good thoughts. I am working tonight, so that is good distraction. I am hoping for good weather tomorrow so I can go for a really, really long walk or run to try and clear my mind. I did a good job burying my head in the sand last week. I need to find that hole and bury my head again!!!!!

we need Lake Arrowhead now! I need to see all my sisters. I miss you all so much right now

I'm so sorry for everything everyone is going through. I promise to keep you all in my thoughts. I also understand about the pervasive anxiety. I find if I stay busy, meaning overbooked and never saying no, I stay back from the ledge. Being so social can be exhausting for me being an introvert, but exhaustion seems to help keep the demons at bay. Sometimes the better part of a very busy day will pass and I've not thought once about the cancer. I consider that progress but the ledge is always there.

This weekend I had more than the usual time alone and I did some shopping, was coming up from the basement of a sporting goods store and my foot caught the last step and I face planted. I am someone who never falls down so of course I unraveled over the next 24 hours about how the end must be nigh, I'm becoming an invalid, etc. Etc. A year ago I would've laughed at my clumsiness and not given it another thought. We are coming out of a fog of a year and it's up to us to be vigilant with our bodies while not obsessing about every ache and pain. That's a tall order.

Thank you Sue. It's hard (physically and emotionally)going back to work but I love my patients and it's good for me to go back!

Checking in to say I am thinking of all of you! Esp Karen, Bekah, Sharron.... All of you facing and waiting for crazy situations!!! I want to say that i am soooooo with everyone of you with the crazyness of this post treatment life!! One minute I am fine and not at all thinking of Cancer, glad I am feeling good and moving on... then the next thing you know I am diving down the rabbit hole of recurrence. I lost some weight.... I feel great.. I worked really hard to lose it, i gave up sugar and yummy carbs....... then i let myself think that maybe I lost it because there is something wrong, there is mets somewhere.... It's maddening that I do that to myself!!!!! But I can't stop thinking it!

On a positive note... including today I have 3 more Rads!! I have made it through with little incident. I am a little burnt and itchy but nothing more than a bad sunburn.

Oh, wow. I am sorry to those of you who are going into the pit now. I am sure it will my turn. Right now I guess I am on a sugar high from being done with radiation and having my itching start to ease up. Hugs to everyone.