Starting Chemo September 2015; join us!

Warning: major sulking and rants coming.

I hit the "I'm a bloody mess" two nights ago. I was changing into my pajamas and caught a glimpse of myself out of the corner of my eye. Bald... puffy... mottled skin... scars all over my chest (and I haven't even had my surgery yet)... bruised and swollen port area. I was horrified. I had to keep my eyes averted as I brushed my teeth, but the tears kept coming. I lay in bed before DH got in and he jokingly said, "You look like you feel just great." I started sobbing and he was shocked, poor guy. I've been pretty positive about everything but I hit my limit. I said that I looked half-dead and it was upsetting. His answer was that my appearance should be the least of my worries. YES, but I'm still human. And I'd prefer to look like it.

And we just received news that the child we are trying to adopt has told a facilitator in her country that she does NOT want to return to the US for either Christmas hosting or for adoption. It's a complete 180 and has absolutely kicked us both in the stomach. The easiest of adoptions from these countries is filled with confusion, snafus, and miscommunication, but this is a nightmare. And she has aged out (turned 16), so if she does not consent to this in the next few months, she is then out on the streets later this school year. And she has no concept of this. It's heartbreaking and I feel like, in addition to the assault on every aspect of my femininity, that I just had a miscarriage or stillbirth. My heart is so broken I can't put it into words over the idea of losing my daughter.

And I have been going to great pains keeping this secret just to protect the opportunity to adopt her. It's a kick in the teeth.

Oh man Carolina,
It breaks my heart to hear another person wants a child and can't have one. Worse, that it's because of bureaucracy. And to have to keep all of this a secret when everything is conspiring to shout to the world this is happening? How? I hope the girl comes to her senses. I have friends who fostered a local baby and several years later are still waiting for the paperwork to go through on the adoption (It's almost as if the agency drags their feet or deliberately sabotages the process if they know a child is in a good situation).

As for the rest, shortly after my lumpectomy, I pulled out one of my Fredericks of Hollywood corset-style vests (tank top with front-lace). It was great, it covered the scars and plumped up the girls. I still wonder when these scars will fully heal and start fading. Enough with the red lines. If it'll make you smile, I'll even don my sexy Pirate costume for Halloween & post pictures. *brain strike* Actually, we should all post cool costume, hat & make-up ideas. Is this why October is breast cancer awareness month? Scary Scars & Bumps that go in the Night? (Mammogram: Do the Mash!) Must. Stop.

SouthernCharm - Hoped it went well. I also had my second round today. Like you, I so loved the past 10 days and know I'm just going to be "out of commission for the next four.

(My wonderful ninja physician's assistant thinks my yucky Round One nausea may have been made worse by having the port placement surgery the same day. I am choosing to believe she is right! )

how you dealing Minnesota Lisa?

Yeah inSF, day 5/6 is generally my worst because it takes that long for the steroids to wear off. The sleep is generally welcome by then.

The halo and hat.....

Is it weird to wear a hat to work? I have a casual office....

I think its just weird to look that good going through chemo☺☺  If you feel confident and comfortable wear it.  I feel sad when I wig up for work but once Im at work I totally forget about it.  I wouldn't wear a hat because I never did before and I would feel to self conscious.  So up to you, you look lovely.

Maria

edwsmom- you look SO good!

Board question-how do I post my actual name (Jen) and age (42 for a couple more weeks...guess who gets round 3 on her birthday!!!

Feeling brave, so here is my bald-ish pic. My dogs, golden retrievers, keep staring at me ever since I got it cut. Like they are confused by this strange-looking person and haven't quite figured it all out. LOL. Poor pups. And thanks for the lint roller tip! Feels fabulous and gets a ton of hair.

I've ordered a gel for scars that I am assured is a miracle. I'll post results as I get them.

II got a pixie cut today with what is left of my hair. There is still enough to kind of style under hats and scarves. My hairstylist said come on back when I'm ready for the buzz.

Well my thyroid ultrasound was this morning. There are 4 nodules, 2 on each side. So I will go in for a biopsy on the most prominent one(s). Normally they would just do another ultrasound in 6 months to monitor, but the doctor wants to be a bit more aggressive/proactive. So it's looking like I will probably have thyroid surgery when I go in for my mastectomy.

Skittlegirl that sucks sideways. Hugs for you. I'm so sorry.

Yeah, I already warned my surgeon about a week ago that signs were indicating that I am a trouble maker. So it seems to be holding true.

I found your 8 pounds.