Denial?

Girl - Anything and everything you feel now is completely normal. I do think having witnessed the BC struggle in our loved ones does make it extra difficult to accept. It seems surreal that the very thing we screened for and agonized over has actually happened. I know I completely fell apart. In one sense it was cathartic. I never really mourned the loss of my mother to BC. In the sixties you just shoved the trauma in the cabinet and hoped you'd never have to deal with it. So for me falling apart allowed me to grieve her departure and my loss of ever having a life without a monkey on my back called BC. I needed meds and counseling to pull out of the darkness. I highly recommend them if you need it. There havebeen some positives come out of this. I think I am more compassionate. I don't really remember the high strung control freak I used to be. You do gain perspective about what is and isn't impotant. Also believe it or not you won't always think of BC 24/7. All of this takes time. A wise doc told me it may take a year or even two to really accept the dx. You'll get there. For now be easy on yourself. If I can help with anything let me know.

Hi -

I have zero family history of breast cancer. Four out of four grandparents and my father had diabetes, but I do not, go figure. I really had no health issues until I was diagnosed with breast cancer. My diet was pretty good (not perfect, but not awful), I exercise regularly, I don't smoke. I was a heavy drinker by official standards (2-3 drinks per night, most nights), and alcohol is a risk factor (not that I knew that then), but my parents drank like fish until they were in their 70s, and when I lived in the UK for a while - I could *never* keep up with their consumption. Now I limit my alcohol to one to two glasses of red wine with dinner, but not during week 1 of treatment.

So when I presented a lump to my PCP, she fortunately is part of a big medical system down here in South Florida, and was able to immediately get me a consult with a surgeon, who immediately got me scheduled for an MRI and a biopsy, followed quickly by an appointment with an oncologist and a PET-CT. The problem was: everyone told me that it would be: neoadjavant treatment, surgery, radiation and a year of vitamin H (Herceptin). So I was mentally prepared for this. Then the PET-CT came back and showed mets to the liver. The oncologist called me to tell me there would be no surgery, but I would start on a more robust chemotherapy regime. *I had no idea that this was a possibility.* I completely freaked out. To make matters worse, my oncologist, although he is good at his job of assigning treatment, is not a great communicator. I thought for sure that I was a dead woman walking. If you Google "metastatic breast cancer," you get some pretty frightening returns.

So I shut down and was in denial for a while. I felt perfectly fine. I did start treatment. It took me three months before I was able to think calmly and rationally about my situation and research it on the Web. During that time I also learned about breastcancer.org - and many, many thanks to the moderators who keep the discussion on this board sane. It is a safe place to learn about all aspects of breast cancer and connect with other women.

Just a couple of secondary items - my employer does not know that I am Stage IV. I have let everyone know that I have breast cancer and am undergoing treatment. Fortunately, I work in a very supportive environment. I choose to believe that, for me, there is a chance that I can live with this disease for quite a few years. Of course, the cancer may have other ideas, but I am living my life based on this philosophy. I am afraid that if my employer knew I was Stage IV, that this would make me vulnerable to workplace discrimination. I have told my closest friends.

So there's my story. Denial is a perfectly reasonable response, at least for a while. It takes time to get your head wrapped around a breast cancer diagnoses, whether it is Stage 0 or Stage IV.