Grieving for My Mother, and Lost

Hi, this is my first post here.

I'm 29 and in law school. My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer in her late 40's (several years ago). We have an overwhelming history of breast cancer in our family (both sides) and she got mammograms early and often. They caught it early. She only had a few lumps, but she opted to have a double mastectomy so she'd "never have to go through this again". She underwent chemo and radiation and lost her hair. I watched her grow weak and experience pain. I listened to her describe the heartbreak of losing her breasts. She went into remission and I was relieved.

In March of this year, the cancer returned. They found it on a rib, I believe, and now it is in her liver (my parents typically explain the progression somewhat vaguely, so I'm embarrassed to say I don't even know what kind of breast cancer she has). I knew she was going through treatment and hoped it would be fine like the first time (if you can call any of that mess "fine"). A few weeks ago, I saw her for the first time in a while. She had lost an immense amount of weight, except for her stomach, where there was a fluid build up that she has to have drained now. She couldn't go through a day without several naps and left the table often to be sick in the bathroom.

When she got back from the trip, she was hospitalized when she went in for more chemo. The doctors told her that her tumor had doubled, and she is being killed now by the chemo as much as anything, because she's so weak. She carries around a huge ziplock of medication. Apparently in March my parents were told that her cancer's return would probably shorten her life. I didn't know that conversation had happened. They were hoping for 8-10 years. Eighty percent of people who get the chemo my mom just did have around 8 years. My mom is in the 20% that did not respond well. They're trying one more treatment, and if she's lucky, she may have up to a year. At the worst, she has a month. With her bad luck with other treatments, I'm not especially hopeful.

I am completely devastated. My family is a military one, and we've always been tight and relied on each other. My parents just had their 30th wedding anniversary and are very much in love. They are best friends. My dad has cancer, too, though his so far has been easily managed with very light chemo, and he didn't even need it until 10 years or so after his diagnosis. Though of course now I have an icy fear that his is worse than I thought, too.

I'm incredibly anxious and broken-hearted. Deciding to follow her wishes and stay enrolled in school this semester, rather than flying (across the country) to be with her was the hardest decision I've ever made. We've planned a visit soon, but I won't be staying with her constantly. I know it's better for my mental health and it makes her feel better to know I am going on with life, but I still have guilt.

I'm so lost and still somewhat in shock. I've been trying to spend every minute around other people. I can barely look at my breasts in the mirror, because they are so like hers were. I resent them and I'm afraid of them, but because they are from her I love them too.

I'm seeing a therapist and my law school has been incredibly accommodating. But I just spent the last hour or two reading these message boards and crying and it was very cathartic. I'm so glad this is here.