Grieving for My Mother, and Lost

StillLost

Hi, this is my first post here.

I'm 29 and in law school. My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer in her late 40's (several years ago). We have an overwhelming history of breast cancer in our family (both sides) and she got mammograms early and often. They caught it early. She only had a few lumps, but she opted to have a double mastectomy so she'd "never have to go through this again". She underwent chemo and radiation and lost her hair. I watched her grow weak and experience pain. I listened to her describe the heartbreak of losing her breasts. She went into remission and I was relieved.

In March of this year, the cancer returned. They found it on a rib, I believe, and now it is in her liver (my parents typically explain the progression somewhat vaguely, so I'm embarrassed to say I don't even know what kind of breast cancer she has). I knew she was going through treatment and hoped it would be fine like the first time (if you can call any of that mess "fine"). A few weeks ago, I saw her for the first time in a while. She had lost an immense amount of weight, except for her stomach, where there was a fluid build up that she has to have drained now. She couldn't go through a day without several naps and left the table often to be sick in the bathroom.

When she got back from the trip, she was hospitalized when she went in for more chemo. The doctors told her that her tumor had doubled, and she is being killed now by the chemo as much as anything, because she's so weak. She carries around a huge ziplock of medication. Apparently in March my parents were told that her cancer's return would probably shorten her life. I didn't know that conversation had happened. They were hoping for 8-10 years. Eighty percent of people who get the chemo my mom just did have around 8 years. My mom is in the 20% that did not respond well. They're trying one more treatment, and if she's lucky, she may have up to a year. At the worst, she has a month. With her bad luck with other treatments, I'm not especially hopeful.

I am completely devastated. My family is a military one, and we've always been tight and relied on each other. My parents just had their 30th wedding anniversary and are very much in love. They are best friends. My dad has cancer, too, though his so far has been easily managed with very light chemo, and he didn't even need it until 10 years or so after his diagnosis. Though of course now I have an icy fear that his is worse than I thought, too.

I'm incredibly anxious and broken-hearted. Deciding to follow her wishes and stay enrolled in school this semester, rather than flying (across the country) to be with her was the hardest decision I've ever made. We've planned a visit soon, but I won't be staying with her constantly. I know it's better for my mental health and it makes her feel better to know I am going on with life, but I still have guilt.

I'm so lost and still somewhat in shock. I've been trying to spend every minute around other people. I can barely look at my breasts in the mirror, because they are so like hers were. I resent them and I'm afraid of them, but because they are from her I love them too.

I'm seeing a therapist and my law school has been incredibly accommodating. But I just spent the last hour or two reading these message boards and crying and it was very cathartic. I'm so glad this is here.

Beatmon

I am so sorry for what you and your mom are going through. She is trying to shield you from her pain and progression. You sound like a lovely daughter. I pray the next chemo is able to help her.

StillLost

Thank you, rose50 and Beatmon. You are both very kind and comforting!

I've never lost anyone this way before. I feel desperate for any comfort I can find. The enormity of how different things will be is terrifying me. I don't know how to sit still, or to think. Everything that reminds me of her is brutal. I know she's still here, and I'm grateful for that, but it makes me feel such an immense pressure to react to her death "correctly". Seeing her the right amount and being in the right mood and saying the right things. I know I'm setting myself up for failure, and am working on this with my counselor. There is no right way to do this.

I'm surprised that something can hurt you this much and not kill you, honestly.

Moderators

StillLost-

We are so sorry for what you and your family are going through. We know how helpless this disease can make you feel. You sound like a wonderful daughter, and you're probably a great source of support to your mom as she continues to fight.

There is no right way to handle this; it's scary and stressful and new, and you'll handle it the way you need to. And that is ok. Don't feel pressured to do or say the right thing, because there is not right thing. Just continue to love your mom and be there for her, even from afar. We're hoping the next treatment is more successful, and gives you more time with her.

Please continue to come here for support as you need it, that's what we're here for.

The Mods

Janetanned

34 years ago this month I lost my mom to this disease. I was 26 at the time. Though decades ago, I remember the pain like it was yesterday. I couldn't imagine that the world could continue, while my dear mother was loosing her battle. My mom did not want everyone to drop what they were doing to be by her side day and night. She was fortunate to still have my father, who was retired, by her side along with her dear sister who lived nearby. When she passed, I carried a lot of guilt for not taking a leave of absence from my new job to be with her. I carried this guilt for many years. During a visit with my aunt many years later, I mentioned this guilt. She responded quite strongly about how proud my mom was of each of her children. She really did not want cancer to interfere with our lives like it had hers. According to my aunt, she felt that by encouraging us to continue on with our lives she was actually taking some control away from the disease. She had done her job as a mother well and each of us was happy and successful. She was ready to let us go to live our lives. She had no regrets according to my aunt. And I can honestly say that my mom is with me every day of the year. She is in every decision I make and with me for every joy or sadness I encounter. I am certainly not alone.

So, as you face this terrible disease, listen carefully to your mother. Maybe she is fighting the only way she can right now. She is proud of you and wants you to continue on without being too terribly touched by the disease that has a hold on her now. She can rest easily if she knows you are fulfilling your dreams, which were probably hers as well. Tell your mom that you will be successful in life because of her. Let her know that you will carry her with you always. Let her know that cancer hasn't taken everything away. You will go one because of her. She has handed her strength to you.

Lots2Live4

Hi- I first want to say I am so sorry about everything going on in your family. I can totally, and sadly, relate. About a month and a half ago my very healthy 54 year old mom was diagnosed with triple positive breast cancer ( ER+PR+HER2+). I am still trying to figure out what all of this means. I'm so confused about her treatment plan, and everything her doctors have told her, has been wrong..for the worse. First it wasn't hormone positive, now it is..then it wasn't HER2 pos, now it is. Then...she was going to have chemo, then she wasn't, but now she is. Does this doc know what he is doing? Anyways, she has had 1 treatment and it was hell and.

Lots2Live4

Sorry my phone was typing super slow...so my mom had her first treatment about 2 weeks ago and her hair is falling out. She lives about 3 hours from me, so I went to see her last weekend and we bought a wig. She got it already and she came to my house for my stepsons b day today and we tried it on...got some great laughs bc ALL OF US tried it on! Even my dad...I know...weird...but we laughed like crazy. We needed it! I am confused about her tx though bc they actually put her under anesthesia to put her port in and test the nodes under her arm but didn't take the lump out? Supposedly it is very small and deep, but why would they do that? Chemo first, then surgery, then radiation, then herceptin. I don't know. I'm scared there is something she is not telling me, or that the doc is doing something wrong. We are trusting God that she is going to be okay. My dad has had his own set of problems with his kidneys and bladder, but not sure what. My parents have been so healthy! I'm am devastated about my mom. Cried so much, got so angry and resentful about "why her". And I am fighting the guilt of not being there. They want me to take care of my kids and husband..." We are fine" they tell me. I think if I had been able to talk to the docs, and know EXACTLY what is going on...I'd feel better. This is such a whirlwind. I too am 29. I will pray for u. Sounds like we are going through the same nightmare.

Moderators

Dear Lots2Live4, We are so sorry about your mom's diagnosis and your own accompanying grief for what she is dealign with. We are glad that you reached out here to our community of others with shared through difficult experiences. Please consider searching our site for more information about her cancer and possible treatment planning. We are here for you. Stay connected and keep posting. The mods