Have you ever wondered? For all stages

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  • Sweetmamaj
    Sweetmamaj Member Posts: 190
    edited August 2015

    Hi Molly, please join in-the more the merrier!!!

    Thanks for your support, and I'm sorry to hear about your dad, even if you lost him a couple of years ago. As you can see, I am still distracting myself while I wait for my stepmom to call me about...plans. But I should log off after I finish this post, and focus on the realities and responsibilities that await me.

    Anyhow, do you find it interesting that you also look at women more closely, and wonder? I'm not sure what I might be trying to detect--a subtle shift, a connection, or maybe I'm subconsciously allowing myself to slow down and give people the opportunity to share something that's right on the tip of the tongue (ironic).

    What a positive sounding work environment you have! It's so sad when we hear stories of responses that range from downright punitive to awkward at best. The wonderfully thought provoking responses on this thread shifted my attention and attitude about self-disclosure. So, first of all, no-you were not wordy in the slightest, and second, I am even more encouraged after hearing that you had such positive feedback from sharing. Thanks!!

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  • Ringelle
    Ringelle Member Posts: 240
    edited August 2015

    Sweetmama - I came looking for your post! Sounds like you have a lot on your mind. I've read your posts but have skimmed over some of the responses. One thing we have to remember is that 1 in 8 is a lifetime number and not an average of 1 in 8 all at the same time in a crowded room - let's say walking around at the mall. That 1 in 8 while I do think is a high number spans a lot of years. I don't know the exact years but it's typicall 40 - 70+ and as someone progresses through their life span, the numbers change as you get older. There's an interesting read on that somewhere. I caught myself wondering that too as I was sharing the news with my coworkers, friends and acquaintances. In my circle of peeps I know of one person who had it 20+ years ago, two ladies who've had it 2-5 years ago and 2 other ladies who are either dealing with it now or during the past 12 months. I also think it's one of those situations like when you are pregnant, everyone you meet is pregnant!

    There were some people I felt the need to tell right away and others I just let life lead me to telling them. I'm very much an open book and usually when I'm going through something it might as well be written all over my face! I am usually very high visibility at school with the kids and parents so I've been very open with them and as the new school year is approaching,the Board and I thought it was best to notify parents with basic information about why I wasn't as visible and to let them know who to contact in my absence. When I feel like the time is right to share my news, I start by saying "Have I told you what's going on with me this summer?" Now my dx was "only" DCIS so I've lead with "I've been diagnosed with very very early stages of BC and at this point it is in no way life threatening" I can't stand the look of sympathy or when people as me "pre surgery" how I'm feeling! I certainly hate being made to feel like an invalid! However, the support and care has been amazing and I wouldn't change a thing about who I have and haven't told. My support system has been above and beyond.

    Question for you: what do you do to keep your mind busy and off of the cancer stuff?

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  • octogirl
    octogirl Member Posts: 2,804
    edited August 2015

    I thought of this thread this morning as I did my grocery shopping: in the produce section there was a gorgeous woman, about my age, with very, very short buzzed off white hair. The style really suited her. If I thought I'd look that good while the hair was growing back, maybe I wouldn't be so freaked out about chemo. Regardless, I found myself wondering....and I may have stared a little too long because she gave me a wise looking smile before heading off to another section of the store....

    Of course, asking her if she was 'one of us' would have been rude. In fact, in my opinion even commenting on a stranger's looks is borderline rude. I know I will hate if someone in the grocery store comments on my hair, or lack thereof. So, I just smiled as she passed by and went back to checking out peaches.

    But it got me to thinking: maybe we need a secret signal. Sort of like a secret handshake, but something that doesn't involve touching. We see someone, we touch our hat or wipe our brow in a certain way, the other person does too, and we know, and can make a new connection, or at least just feel supported. We could do it every time we saw another woman. What did Arlo Guthrie sing about how all you have to do to make it a movement is to join in?

    And of course, being the big baseball fan that I am, I'd bury the hand signals in a whole series of them: touch my cap, then my nose, wipe my brow, tap my forearm....and only the bc sisters would catch the sign in the middle.... :-)

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  • Larkspur
    Larkspur Member Posts: 88
    edited August 2015

    As someone in treatment for breast cancer and as a baseball fan, I LOVE the idea of a secret signal! Let's work on it.

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  • rainnyc
    rainnyc Member Posts: 1,289
    edited August 2015

    Octogirl, I like the idea of a secret signal. My problem is, whenever I wipe my brow, I come away with bitts and pieces of eyebrow pencil! So my secret signal at the moment is probably smudged, fake eyebrows! Sigh. Maybe something else.

    Honestly, hats, scarves, and various head wraps probably serve as enough of a signal for many of us.

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  • tangandchris
    tangandchris Member Posts: 1,855
    edited August 2015

    funny, I also saw a woman at the store today and I wondered. She was wearing a scarf, and I thought about asking....but I didn't. I like the idea of a signal :)

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  • pajim
    pajim Member Posts: 2,785
    edited August 2015

    In some ways I think there is a secret (or maybe not so secret) community.

    I've had experiences of wearing a scarf out to dinner and there's another woman wearing a scarf. We nod and smile. (She could have had any kind of cancer but definitely no hair). Or riding down the elevator of a hotel wearing workout clothes and no prosthesis. Lady steps on and notices and nods & smiles (normally no one notices when I have only one boob). She had to be a member of the club.

    We just have to be willing to nod and smile. The lady at the grocery store would have either (a) thought you were being friendly, or (b) recognized you as a member of the club and maybe felt comforted.

    The other thing I've noticed is that over time, you become the help for the next women at church or office or whatever. My office new I had breast cancer because I went to work for six months with no hair. As a result, when the next person gets diagnosed their boss slips them my name and e-mail address and I counsel. We actually have a tree going now. I put the last person (currently having chemo) in touch with the next to last (who just finished) because they are on the same regimen. In a company of 400 people, I've spoken with 4 women in the last 5 years. Frightening.

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  • octogirl
    octogirl Member Posts: 2,804
    edited September 2016

    For some reason I saw this thread and the latest post triggered a reminder of a recent work situation...I too worked through chemo and the scarves and hats aftermath (thankfully, my hair has since come back, though it is very curly. People who don't know think I got a perm..)...but anyway, everyone I worked with either knew about the bc because I told them, or because it was fairly obvious that something was going on once I lost my hair (and I am sure people talked..in retrospect, while I never got a wig, I can see a benefit for those who want true privacy in the workplace. )

    Interestingly, however, I've been surprised how few people bring it up. Maybe my close friends at work put out the word that I really didn't want to talk about it much (which is true, though less true as time passes than it was at first...). Or maybe they are waiting for me to bring it up. But one co-worker approached me: a man who was recently diagnosed with prostate cancer. He is young to have it, and it was deemed aggressive, and he had chemo. Before the chemo, out of the blue, he called me, asking if he could make an appointment to see me. I thought it was to ask for my help on a project, but no, as soon as the office door was closed he told me he knew I had had chemo and really needed to talk it through with someone who had been there. I actually felt honored that he trusted me with the information (he is a good guy and I like him, but we weren't really friends), and was so happy to be able to support him. I could tell that it was helpful to talk with me, both for moral support, and for practical advice. (Just one small example: no one had suggested claritin for the bone pain from Nuelesta, but on my recommendation he tried it and emailed me that same night to thank me, saying it worked like a charm. ) We continue to talk, and I feel like we've become friends now. Funny thing is: he is one of the most energetic, funny, and honest of my work colleagues....yet it was obviously difficult for him to ask me for advice and support.

    Part of me is glad that I kept my own bc (more or less) private, and a part of me is sad that is seen as something secret.

    Octogirl


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  • Molly50
    Molly50 Member Posts: 3,773
    edited September 2016

    I was just thinking about this thread recently. I have had two co-workers with relatives recently diagnosed ask me for advice and apparently joined the secret club of co-workers and Facebook friends who once had cancer. I was not secretive at work but only told a few people but I forgot about Facebook and shared some stuff so everyone knows now. I think at this point I would rather be available if someone needs a shoulder. I am glad you are able to support the young man.

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  • amygil81
    amygil81 Member Posts: 165
    edited October 2016

    My LE sleeve and glove show I'm a member of this secret club. Only other members know what it means, even if they don't have LE. Whenever I see another lady wearing one, I know I'm in the presence of a BC sister, and usually go over to her and chat.

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