Need to vent: my friend is having a hard time with my Chemo

superius · August 2015

I have a friend from my church choir, we normally talk about things like what we do, work, church stuff; nothing too private or personal. We are about the same age, & some older choir members had said "you guys make a cute couple" which we ignored. We are quite both reserved & from very different but conservative cultural backgrounds (me Chinese, him Ukrainian), so there's never hugs & stuff, like we would share with other American friends.

I told him about my diagnosis right before one of the services, & I know he took it out on the piano like he's angry & made lots of mistakes. And he had been reacting very strongly about me doing the Chemo. & it really throw me back.

I did a little bit of reading last night, I understand that there are frightened family members, best friends , S/O etc. I think when someone who can offer concrete help (like doing stuff, getting things done, prayers), it make them feel useful; & when they are not able to, they feel frightened & helpless & angry. Or in my friend's case, when he doesn't feel he has the right to?

For example, my parents are the ones doing the day-to-day stuff since I live with them, & they have their own little support system; my sister who lives 2 hrs away took the day off to drive me to the first chemo & get me things that I might need - sunblock, Gatorade, yogurt; Fiends sent me flowers, & gifts, words of encouragement, prayers & hugs; i even have priest friends who offered Mass for healing.

At the decision of going forward with Chemo, he said: "But Chemo is poision. Do you have to do it, it can be more dangerous than the cancer." I explained the reasons (oncotype score is 27, so Chemo was highly recommended). "Well you have to do what needed to be done". That's that, I thought.

But I ended up in the ER due to low Sodium few days after first Chemo (I wasn't eating & drank too much water; I also started the Neupogen shots that gave me headache, low grad fever & dizziness like seasick); He brought up the issue again: "See, it's making you sick! Do you have to keep doing it?" (3 more rounds of TC) Though I didn't say it, my head said "But it is MY decision, who are YOU to object?" I agreed to talk to doctors about the side effects. I talked to a choir friend Rose, who works in Radiology, who told me those are normal reactions from Neupogen. That didn't calm his fright. This time his objection was aimed at our Radiologist friend: "But Chemo is poision! Does she have have to keep doing it?! Doctor said the surgery was successful & it's clean, the cancer is gone! (clean margin, lymph node -ve) The Chemo can be more dangerous than the cancer! It's making her sick!" I was right there when he said that. Rose said she would talk to her colleagues at weekly conference & that seems to be an acceptable answer & he kind of stormed off to prepare for service #2. our friend said that's normal, that he's frighten because he cares.

Like I said, in the 7 yrs we know each other, we never talked about too private stuff, so all these "outburst" was quite sudden. What do all these mean? Are we moving out of the comfort zone? what is it called? "The Friend Zone"? I don't know what to make of it & I don't know how to react!

Holeinone · August 2015

Super, he obviously cares & is worried for you.

However, it's your health, your future. Everybody recieving chemo has some side effects. Some breeze through it, others are quite sick. Trust your Drs. Time goes by quickly & you will soon enough getting back to your old self. Maybe don't share all the negative stuff with him. He really does not need to know all the details.

Jackbirdie · August 2015

Dear Superius: I'm afraid I don't have the answers, nobody does. It is quite common for friends and family to react in ways that are not helpful to us, but they are scared and hurting too.

The fact that your relationship status is not well- defined may be making it very hard for your friend to direct his anxiety, anger, fear, and other emotions appropriately.

I think the best thing to do would be to ask to speK to him privately, and calmly tell him that it is hurting you that he does not support you, now that the decision has been made. Give him the opportunity to ask you questions or tell you how he feels.

But right now is a very difficult time for you, and not a good time to start or change a relationship to śomerhing much more serious. I feel you should put 100% of your attention on yourself, and for those you cannot support your decision, perhaps it is too difficult to continue right now.

I guess what I am really trying to say is it's not your job to figure out what or why he is thinking and acting how he us. Your job is to take care if you. And let others take care of you. No room for anything else....

Momine · August 2015

I think you should ask Rose to explain to him that he is not the one making the medical decisions here. Also, I am so, so tired of the whole "chemo is eeevillll" thing. Chemo is tough and not fun, but it saves lives.

BarredOwl · August 2015

Hi Superius:

Sorry your friend is scared and his reactions and his comments are not helpful to you. I agree with Rose that it comes from a good place; at least he appreciates the rigors of chemotherapy and does not want you to have to suffer. That is good.

It is not uncommon for people who have not been diagnosed or who have not been caregivers to have misconceptions about the value of chemotherapy. Some people have outdated views, views based on unreliable non-expert sources, or views based on anecdotal experience (a single example of a person often with a completely different diagnosis and/or regimen who had a bad outcome).

Many people do not have an understanding of the purpose of chemotherapy. Exhibit A: "Doctor said the surgery was successful & it's clean, the cancer is gone! (clean margin, lymph node -ve)". Of course, surgery is local treatment, lymph node biopsy is a regional assessment, and chemotherapy is a systemic treatment administered based on consideration of a variety of factors.

Your never-diagnosed-friend does not (and may not ever if he is lucky) understand the various pathological findings, Oncotype DX test results and their interpretation, and detailed risk/benefit analysis that you and your doctors completed to arrive at your personal decision. Nor will he likely understand or accept that that the drug regimens you are receiving are supported by extensive clinical trials, the volume of information and experience underpinning clinical practice guidelines for breast cancer, or the extensive expertise of your medical team.

Many others have posted that they have had to expend their limited energy calming the fears of friends and family, when it is they as patient who needs support and understanding. So you are not alone in that. You or Rose could try to explain it to him, but he seems to have some prejudice that the drugs are toxic, and you may not have the energy to do so. Which is fine.

Your priority is to take care of yourself. Best wishes.

BarredOwl

Meow13 · August 2015

I think your friend truly is thinking about you and in his eyes the treatment is barbaric. He is probably frustrated like many of us that targeted treatment is not quite there for BC patients. You need to focus and decide for yourself. What is important is that you believe you are getting the best medical treatment for your circumstances.

WinningSoFar · August 2015

I believe that every casual relationship has its limits and it sounds like yours has hit the limit. Your friend, or acquaintance or co-musician, is entitled to his opinion, but he is not helping you with your decisions and life right now. I would find his fright to be undermining. Perhaps you can back off from him until your cancer is treated, when you might be able to be friends again. No point in going down the scare hole if you don't have to.

ruthbru · August 2015

He probably has his own issues about it, maybe because of an experience with a family member or whatever. BUT ultimately once you make your treatment decisions; it is the job of a friend, or loved one, to SUPPORT you and help you get through this experience (which is going to be hard no matter what you do). And you might have to say that directly to him. What I said to a loved one, who didn't questions my treatment choices, but was being very emotional about the whole thing, "This is MY diagnosis and you have support how I want to handle this or else not be around me, because I do not have the emotional energy to deal with anyone else's issues right now."

superius · August 2015

My friend's father was diagnosed with a rare end stage Colon Cancer (+ stroke, & I think liver/kidney problem) one year before he passed away in 2011 at age of 80. Papa chose not to do any treatment, which made my friend quite upset. And then about one year after that, our church lost a young doctor to the same type Cancer at 28. This young man was engaged to the daughter of a long term choir member (who kept us informed of his conditions - tmi I think). So after this young man passed away, my friend was really dragging about this funeral (the choir sang).

ruthbru · August 2015

So it is hitting him too close to home. I did chemo and if someone said something about it being poison, I would say, "Of course it is poison. Poison that is working FOR ME. The drugs are poisoning CANCER CELLS, cell that will kill me FOR SURE if they have a chance. This is life and death stuff we are talking about here and it is going to be hard." And at that point I would just drop it, and drop the friend too if they couldn't be supportive. None of us in that situation has the physiological energy to deal with someone else's issues. I do feel like I would like to come over to choir practice and clonk your friend right on the top side of the head with a hymnal!

muska · August 2015

Dear Superius, I think the fact that this is happening in a religious community/setting is important. From your description it appears there have been several cases of cancer in your community. Has your chaplain/spiritual leader address it in any way? How?

Here's a link to recent study about role of religion in cancer care. The data showed that "patients who strongly agreed with the statement, “God is in control of my cancer,” and “If a person prays about cancer, God will heal it without medical treatment,” were less likely to complete curative chemotherapy."

http://cancer.uchicago.edu/about/news/pathways2013winter-religion.shtml

superius · August 2015

muska: No, I don't think that apply in this situation. we have many friends in the community who are medical professionals -- cancer researchers, MD, general surgeons, & of course Rose the Radiologists. They are all very understanding what need to be done. There is "Prayer Warriors" circle for those who are sick, prayers also include doctors & care-givers.

I think it's like ruthbru said, it's hitting too close to home. From our previous experience of hearing others' illness, he's more reactive/ passive; that's why the "outbursts" surprised me. :O But knowing us, nothing will happen anytime soon in the near future.

Need to vent: my friend is having a hard time with my Chemo

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