Having a very bad day
I messed up an appointment and missed it, went to the wrong building. I usually remember everything and am very organized. I started balling in my car. I've been holding everything together for 3 months and this one little thing just set a huge waterfall in motion. I can't stop crying.
I also had my rads orientation and my ct scan done today. On top of having two dr appts yesterday. I'm physically tired and emotionally tired.
We have been in the process of moving and finally got an offer on the house. It was lower than we liked but we countered and met them in the middle, they countered again low. My husband was pissed and countered with our same counter without talking to me. I just wanted to get a little more and go. We really need to move and our house has been on the market for 37 days and this is our first offer. Most houses sell here in a matter of days. Ours has a very high HOA because we are in a gated community and our houses sell slower than average for our city. We have our house staged and it's nearly impossible to live in a stage house, especially with three kids.
Husband was laid off in May with severance through June. We are paying cobra for medical insurance because of my dx. Not wanting to change insurance companies mid dx.
I'm stressed about money, about moving, about cancer, about my rads, about tamoxifen. About my kids who have to start school here in 2 weeks.
It's just a bad day, I can't stop the tears..... I know hardly anyone seems to respond to my posts here. I don't know why but I feel like I have no support from anyone right now. Husband doesn't get it, friends have been avoiding me since the dx, because breast cancer is apparently contagious (insert sarcasm).
Comments
-
I am so sorry about your terrible day. Going to all these appointments is exhausting, and it sounds like you have plenty of other stuff on your plate too. Moving itself is so, so stressful — add on top cancer (and three kids!) and I'd be in tears too. (Internet hugs.) Be easy on yourself. I'm rooting for you.
-
CAMommy,
I'm sorry you're having such an awful day! I used to be the organized one, too, and now it seems like I'm barely keeping it together. It doesn't help that you feel like you're lacking in support at home, from friends, and on this board.
Many of us have found out who our "real friends" are when cancer strikes. It's sad, but true. And, yes, many DHs don't "get it." Does your cancer center offer a BC support group? Many will refer patients to psychiatrists, if you think that might help. Personally, I've become a believer in "better living through chemistry" since my diagnosis. I have some Ativan on hand for anxiety, and take Celexa for depression.
I hope that your house sells soon and that you find some relief from your money worries. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
-
CAMommy,
Sorry you are having an off day. I am sure that things will get better. You have a lot on your plate right now but things will fall into place. Be kind to yourself. {HUGS} -
Hi CAMommy,
I am crying with you my friend. I am also sending you a warm hug. I know what bad days are. My wonderful husband of 30 years died on April 2. He was the love of my life. I was diagnosed with BC on June 19 (1 day after you were). I am a lot older that you are (69)
I am sad that you have this awful disease, but I know you will pull through and be fine. I know you think your husband does not get it, but I think he is probably scared out of his mind. Add selling house and moving to that - who could take all that stress gracefully.
Sometimes, crying it out is what you need to do. I do this every day, because even though my kids are here for me every step of the way and have been and are wonderful, I miss my husband's presence and his loving touch.
One day at a time, cry when you have to. I am thinking of you and sending good thoughts to you.
Folks do care.
Pat
-
Hi CA Mommy:
Guilty as charged! I read your post yesterday about the result of your consultation, and I thought it sounded like a lot of very good news (no mx; okay with your treatment plan; Fatty is good!). You also have a very friendly and positive posting style, so I thought it's all good.
Even if people don't post a reply, please know that we are reading your posts and are sad when you are sad, and are glad when things go well. You are dealing with a lot, and are understandably worn out.
Feel better!
BarredOwl
P.S., I am a former Californian - grew up in the Bay Area.
-
(in sympathy) I don't blame you a bit for busting into tears out in your car. Husband laid off, putting your house on the market, wrangling with COBRA, cancer diagnosis....I'm not surprised you melted down after having your sim. If it's any help, I firmly plan on spending the entire remainder of the day after mine in a little puddle of self-pity.
-
CA Mommy - I am so sorry about how today and the weeks before this went. You do have a lot on your plate and all the stress that comes with it. With so much on your mind, things are bound to slip. There are many that care. I hope you find some threads here where you can relate. Feel free to join us on Lumpectomy Lounge. It's a very supportive group. There are others for DCIS, mothers, etc. I am also a former Californian. I lived in the Bay Area for 30 years. It's a great place to raise a family. Your real estate there will sell. There is a right buyer for it. Feel free to PM anytime. We are all in this together.
Jo
-
too much is just too much! Let it out
-
CAMommy - If I'd would have been you I would have broken long ago. A good cry is just what you needed today. I couldn't have made all those appointments in 2 days where you are in treatment much less 3 kids and trying to sell a house. And probably a few more crying jags in the next few days. I don't know how you've held it together but you have and you will continue to do so. Just say I can do this just for this minute, just for this hour. Trite I know and not in any way belittling what you are going thru. One foot in front of the other. Wishing I was there to give you a great big old sister hug. Can you find some quiet unwind "me" time this weekend? A candle, soft music, dim lights, a nice warm bath? Husbands - whatca gonna do with them? They are scared, poor at verbalizing feelings (most, not all are) and often just want things to go back like they were (or alternatively fix things they can't fix). It does get better from someone who's been there at least from the treatment end of things. Hugs sister in CA.
-
Another former Californian here, and I definitely have been feeling sorry for myself lately, after spraining my ankle and having no one to look after me or get me a drink of water. It's so very hard to deal with multiple stressors, but none of us is alone here. We are all in this together, and we all know what (or some of what) you're feeling.
It's hard. It's very hard. But you can do this. So can I. We are stronger than we think, and we have people who love us. That is very powerful. Hugs to you, and please go easy on yourself.
-
Good God Child - I cannot believe what you're dealing with - it would ALL be too much for me! Sending hugs, S.
-
I've been in your shoes. Just not all at the same time. Each in its own is enough. I have two small ones starting school next week. I cry in the shower.
It will be easier once they have started school and you have started rads. I cried on the table and so did my friend. Didn't cry during chemo. But after that initial spell, rads was easy.
I second a/d meds, yoga, walking, me time. It will get better once you get into a routine.
And yes your hubby is scared and probably didn't want to burden you. And yes you are angry. I hope you feel better soon. Ice cream?
I've been on tamox now for two years. Hot flashes biggest SE. Effexor takes care of those and is an a/d too.
-
I get it too. Too much is too much. I have read your other posts also and I want to post but some times I feel like I might scare lower stage people. I am always listening, I think that can be said for many of us even if we don't post. I hope things improve for you soon.
-
Oh man, this is all just too much. I cannot imagine living in a staged house with kids. The job loss, dealing with insurance, all these doc appointments. Tamoxifen, I'm struggling with that one myself, too scared to take the first pill and hubby thinks I shouldn't. Ugh, ugh, ugh. The thing that has helped me is getting back to some cardio dance classes at the gym. It's been too hot for much hiking the last few months so I hadn't done much of anything since surgery. Can you fit some exercise in somehow? Might get some of the stress out. And crying, just had a good one myself.
Sending you good thoughts. Tomorrow is a new day. 🌻🌸🌹🌺
-
I don't know how you have been able to get this far without breaking down. My heart is breaking for you. Any time day or night private message me I will give you my email my phone number please don't ever feel alone. I can understand how you feel but no one should ever be not going thru this beast. Im so sorry for what happened in your day I have had those days and I just kept asking myself over and over why me dont I have enough bad luck?? Well Im wishing you better days ahead.
Diane
-
One more thing Unless they have cancer or have had it they don't get it and they try but they don't understand the mind monster this thing truely is let alone the physical crap.
-
Amen to DSW1976's last post.
CAMommy, wow! I hear you, I had my meltdown today too, had been trying to hold everything together since April and it's too much. Please keep posting here. It truly helps. I want to keep tabs on you to hear how you are doing. We absolutely cannot do this alone.
More hugs coming to ((you))!
Donna -
thank you all so much. You kindness really helps me right now. I cried almost all day yesterday. I just couldn't stop, I was able to stop for the CT scan and dinner with the family but other wise the tears just flowed. They didn't even seem to have a reason other than overload. I do take celexa and have Xanax. I took a Xanax last night and slept for 11 hours. Most nights I can't sleep until well after midnight, wake up every 2 hours and get up at 6:00 so this was some much needed sleep.
I still feel weepy today, but not all out balling. Yesterday when I was balling in my car outside the cancer center I figured no one would think it was odd. I'm sure lots of people cry in their cars at the cancer center.
I feel really fragile today. I really want a bath but since I'm not even 2 weeks out from lumpectomy I can't take a bath. I start rads either Monday or Tuesday. No word back from the people interested in our house. I think they walked, my husband thinks they are playing hardball negation. I told him if the guys wife and Icould have negotiated it on Wednesday we would have been done after 10 minutes and got to an agreeable price for both parties. But men being involved it has become a dance of egos.
-
Listen to me when I tell you ig creeps up on you and sometimes stays for a few hours and some times a few days. I have learned I can't control it no matter how hard I have tried. It was so strange to me I was rock solid thru alot and then out of the blue I would have a day like you had from hell and I couldn't stop it. It's okay you have cancer!!!! You on top of that are dealing with trearment for it and on top of that selling a house and having kids start school. Unreal .. HUGS ...xoxox
-
CAMommy -- my heart goes out to you. You have A LOT to handle right now. I've noticed some of your prior posts, but I'm sure I missed others because when I'm rushed I only check certain threads. I had no idea things were getting so bad for you, or I would have spoken up earlier.
Just getting through treatment itself is tough enough, but combining it with moving and job loss makes it even worse. The job loss is probably hard on your husband and could be one reason why he hasn't been very supportive.
It's normal and natural to break down and cry some times in this situation. Don't beat yourself up about it.
Does your breast center (the existing one or the one where you'll be moving) have a nurse navigator or social worker you could speak to about support groups or other programs that might help? I lived in SF for over 20 years before moving back to the Midwest and recall hearingabout several groups in the area. Maybe one of them could help.
In the meantime, sending warm wishes your way . . .
-
CA mommy,
I just read your post and I get it. I wish I could give you a big hug and just let you know you're not alone in your exhaustion, fear, helplessness, hopelessness and anxiety. When I have days like that I just take it one minute sometimes one second at a time and just know that it will pass. You are not alone. You have a sisterhood of people who love you and know what you're going through. Prayers and positive thoughts are being sent your way. It's okay to not be strong all the time and do something good and special for yourself. It's also okay today get a little extra help from Ativan and and anti depressant..... For real. I never had been on anything before my diagnosis the end of June, but it's really helped me through some seriously horrific days.... The Ativan. I'm 43, went through recent divorce and work full time. I have an 11 year old daughter. Although taking time off work as I go through this. Mainly know you are loved by strangers and we've got your back. You're gonna get through this and better days are coming. God bless you and your family. Be extra kind and forgiving to yourself. Big hugs to you from me
-
Sometimes the enormity of this diagnosis just seems to hit all of us extra hard. We are going along just fine and then boom! RADs orientation was a trigger for me too (and for plenty of others from what I've read). It was pretty much the first time I actually broke down hard and wondered if I could do this, if I could keep doing this. We all have terrible, bad awful days and even when we don't post or no one responds to a post, I know when I come here everyone on these boards is rooting for everyone else. Just keep posting. Like crying, it's cathartic.
-
You have a lot on your plate and crying is therapeutic!! sending you a virtual ((hug))Hang in there, and I hope you sell your house soon.
-
thanks everyone.
. We do have support groups here for BC but I feel like I have this less important "thing" and people would be like, why are you here, you only have DCIS. I think that's why dh isn't as sympathetic. He came with me to an appointment, hears it wasn't "really" cancer and figures I'm not that bad so I shouldn't fall apart. I get that, but I'm still treated as it is was invasive cancer. A large chunk of my boob is missing and now rads. and I have the same worry as everyone, will it come back, will it come back worse, did they get it all?
On a positive note, we came to agreement in a price for our house with buyers. They want a 30 day close so basically the day after we close will be my last day of rads and then we will fly on out of here. The one positive of a staged house is almost everything we own is already packed up. We will be buying a business when we get to Florida, so the job thing is figured out. But we needed the equity from our house to do it. Once we move we will be able to trigger the event to get insurance on the health exchange, and since I'll be through treatment I won't need to stay on cobra. I'm so thankful for my RO for pushing me through treatment here. He's one of the worlds renowed ROs and I feel good getting treatment by him. he has a recommendation for RO where we are moving that he knows and from that RO I'll get recommendations for MO and breast surgeon.
Who does your 3 month follow ups for breast checks and order you 6 month mammos? Is that the MO, Surgeon or GYN?
Thank you all so much. Some days it is all too much to bear alone. I honestly didn't even know I was that close to the edge until the receptionist told me I was at the wrong place and all off a sudden I just started crying.
-
I'm glad that some of your stressors are getting resolved. I hope that your mood has improved too. I totally get just falling apart. It has happened to me on and off for the last several months, hitting when I have felt that things were under control.
Jena
-
CAMommy - Yay for the buyers' agreement. See - one step forward.
Gosh let me think about the breast checks. I think BS went to 6 month checks fairly quickly and MO did 3 month checks thru 2nd year but I could certainly be wrong about BS. Then I had trouble scheduling them so they didn't trip over each other. I'm now on 6 months alternating. My BS orders mammo but MO's office always wants to schedule also. Can be either one really. Not my gyn though. He gets the report but not involved even though he was the one ordering the mammo that found the BC. I see people on here with similar dx to mine or yours (and not other rads complications) who are still seeing their RO 2 years after finishing rads. Mine discharged me at 1 week followup though she and MO are in same large onco practice. Just so you might know to expect that.
-
(loud cheers!) Hurrah for closing! Hurrah for being able to buy a business AND get insurance through the exchanges. Hurrah for RO who pushed treatment through and recommended someone where you're going1
-
luvmygoats, whenever any other Drs ask who else to send reports to I tell them my GYN because he started this whole mess by ordering the mammo in the first place
. -
CAMommy I am so happy for you!!!!! Such good news about the house, for a change right?
)My GP did my 6 month breast checks, she is part of a Women's Wellness clinic.
I do get how you feel about DCIS. How often did I hear, "at least you got the good kind of breast cancer..." ahhhh, excuse me?!?!
I would love to rant to those folks who refer to DCIS as the good cancer... believe me this is breast cancer - and it is not good in any sense of the word. Our prognosis may be more promising at this point, but our diagnosis can quickly change after surgery revealing an IDC. And like you said, after treatment we are always checking the radar for recurrence or new cancer. Our treatments are invasive enough with missing chunks of breast and/or total loss of breast/s, and often times radiation, and these are life-changing events. It took me a while to get past thinking that DCIS is pre-cancer. It is "contained cancer" in ducts or lobules that eventually may or may not turn into invasive cancer, that's how I see it. And because we do not know whose DCIS will go on to become invasive we have to be bold and treat it as if it will. It surely sucks. I know I will be wishing for DCIS if I ever experience an invasive cancer, yes. Obviously the lower the stage of cancer the better. It just hits a nerve when some uneducated people belittle DCIS as "not the real thing".
But back to being so grateful that things are looking up now for your new plans! I'm sure you will continue to feel drained and tired for a while yet. And there will be more meltdown days, I know this from experience lol!! But as things start to fall into place I hope you are able to find some peace if even in small moments. My counselor keeps telling me tears are so good for us, I try to hold them back so much and am now realizing that's a part of my problem, gotta let them out!
More hugs to you and keep us posted!
Donna
-
CAMOMMY
Forget the cancer! I heard that moving takes ten years out of your life!
Sarcasm???
Categories
- All Categories
- 679 Advocacy and Fund-Raising
- 289 Advocacy
- 68 I've Donated to Breastcancer.org in honor of....
- Test
- 322 Walks, Runs and Fundraising Events for Breastcancer.org
- 5.6K Community Connections
- 282 Middle Age 40-60(ish) Years Old With Breast Cancer
- 53 Australians and New Zealanders Affected by Breast Cancer
- 208 Black Women or Men With Breast Cancer
- 684 Canadians Affected by Breast Cancer
- 1.5K Caring for Someone with Breast cancer
- 455 Caring for Someone with Stage IV or Mets
- 260 High Risk of Recurrence or Second Breast Cancer
- 22 International, Non-English Speakers With Breast Cancer
- 16 Latinas/Hispanics With Breast Cancer
- 189 LGBTQA+ With Breast Cancer
- 152 May Their Memory Live On
- 85 Member Matchup & Virtual Support Meetups
- 375 Members by Location
- 291 Older Than 60 Years Old With Breast Cancer
- 177 Singles With Breast Cancer
- 869 Young With Breast Cancer
- 50.4K Connecting With Others Who Have a Similar Diagnosis
- 204 Breast Cancer with Another Diagnosis or Comorbidity
- 4K DCIS (Ductal Carcinoma In Situ)
- 79 DCIS plus HER2-positive Microinvasion
- 529 Genetic Testing
- 2.2K HER2+ (Positive) Breast Cancer
- 1.5K IBC (Inflammatory Breast Cancer)
- 3.4K IDC (Invasive Ductal Carcinoma)
- 1.5K ILC (Invasive Lobular Carcinoma)
- 999 Just Diagnosed With a Recurrence or Metastasis
- 652 LCIS (Lobular Carcinoma In Situ)
- 193 Less Common Types of Breast Cancer
- 252 Male Breast Cancer
- 86 Mixed Type Breast Cancer
- 3.1K Not Diagnosed With a Recurrence or Metastases but Concerned
- 189 Palliative Therapy/Hospice Care
- 488 Second or Third Breast Cancer
- 1.2K Stage I Breast Cancer
- 313 Stage II Breast Cancer
- 3.8K Stage III Breast Cancer
- 2.5K Triple-Negative Breast Cancer
- 13.1K Day-to-Day Matters
- 132 All things COVID-19 or coronavirus
- 87 BCO Free-Cycle: Give or Trade Items Related to Breast Cancer
- 5.9K Clinical Trials, Research News, Podcasts, and Study Results
- 86 Coping with Holidays, Special Days and Anniversaries
- 828 Employment, Insurance, and Other Financial Issues
- 101 Family and Family Planning Matters
- Family Issues for Those Who Have Breast Cancer
- 26 Furry friends
- 1.8K Humor and Games
- 1.6K Mental Health: Because Cancer Doesn't Just Affect Your Breasts
- 706 Recipe Swap for Healthy Living
- 704 Recommend Your Resources
- 171 Sex & Relationship Matters
- 9 The Political Corner
- 874 Working on Your Fitness
- 4.5K Moving On & Finding Inspiration After Breast Cancer
- 394 Bonded by Breast Cancer
- 3.1K Life After Breast Cancer
- 806 Prayers and Spiritual Support
- 285 Who or What Inspires You?
- 28.7K Not Diagnosed But Concerned
- 1K Benign Breast Conditions
- 2.3K High Risk for Breast Cancer
- 18K Not Diagnosed But Worried
- 7.4K Waiting for Test Results
- 603 Site News and Announcements
- 560 Comments, Suggestions, Feature Requests
- 39 Mod Announcements, Breastcancer.org News, Blog Entries, Podcasts
- 4 Survey, Interview and Participant Requests: Need your Help!
- 61.9K Tests, Treatments & Side Effects
- 586 Alternative Medicine
- 255 Bone Health and Bone Loss
- 11.4K Breast Reconstruction
- 7.9K Chemotherapy - Before, During, and After
- 2.7K Complementary and Holistic Medicine and Treatment
- 775 Diagnosed and Waiting for Test Results
- 7.8K Hormonal Therapy - Before, During, and After
- 50 Immunotherapy - Before, During, and After
- 7.4K Just Diagnosed
- 1.4K Living Without Reconstruction After a Mastectomy
- 5.2K Lymphedema
- 3.6K Managing Side Effects of Breast Cancer and Its Treatment
- 591 Pain
- 3.9K Radiation Therapy - Before, During, and After
- 8.4K Surgery - Before, During, and After
- 109 Welcome to Breastcancer.org
- 98 Acknowledging and honoring our Community
- 11 Info & Resources for New Patients & Members From the Team