Had 12 surgeries in past 3 years,so demoralized, not done yet!

I have written so much about this awful reconstruction process, short form is uni mx and had planned DIEP. Changed my mind, 5 fat grafting procedures with loss of most, but not all, of the fat with 2 severe infections because the rads wreaked my skin. The fat grafting helped my skin, as did 80 sessions of Hyperbaric Oxygen therapy. Now had a TE put in April 9th, over my pectoral muscle. It is working well, but now I have to plan my implant exchange and lift the real right breast. Having the implant exchange in August and then the lift of my real right breast in mid September or Nov 1st 2015. Have a different PS to do the lift than my PS who is doing the exchange as he is not comfortable/experienced doing vertical lifts and the new PS is. Saw the new PS, she felt she had to make sure I knew that I wouldn't ever get any real matching or symmetry. I told her I want to look ok naked, like not be a freak that gets stared at if I am changing in the locker room at my gym which has no private changing areas. I said I didn't expect to parade around in the nude, just want to be able to pass quick muster as I am changing. I didn't think that was too much to ask, too much to expect. Apparently she wants me to know it is hopeless to expect more than to look ok in a bra. I am really bummed, told her I get I will never be comfortable in my own skin. Then she finally picked up on me being bummed out, then she seemed unhappy as well. Well what did she expect, that I would be overjoyed to have an additional 2 expensive, painful surgeries, bringing the whole shitty thing to a grand total of 15 surgeries, and still look fucked up? I will go through with this stinking mess. I know I could stop, but I can't until I have done every last thing I can think of to get as much normality as I can.

HATE THIS, HATE THIS,HATE THIS, HATE THIS, HATE THIS, HATE THIS, HATE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!