Ah! #$%@!!!!!

Shaunnashubby · October 2006

Yup that was the first thought to go through my pea brain. What I said was, "I will be right home", when I received my weeping wife's frightening phone call. Just getting our bearings. No patho report yet but the basics are node possitive, infiltrating. Find out today the patho report and the course of actions and decisions. Oh ya my sweety is also 8-10 weeks pregnant with #2. Number one is an awsome 2 1/3 year old boy. I can't even allow myself to start processing that part of the equation. OK there are the broad strokes. Spent the long weeked trying to be supportive ... now need to get some quality self care and suport. So glad to find this group. WOW I have lots to learn and contend with in order to become the supportive and informed husband I intend to be in this 'crap' storm ... I realise I am in an stage of anger and frustration mostly related to the helplessness of being hurled into such a sudden life course altering situation for myself and family. I hope to find information and support here; and as that grows in me, to share it with other men who are forced to face their families and themselves in this seemingly dire situation of complexities.

Thanks,

Arvid was here

Sandra1957 · October 2006

Don't even know how to respond to that except that I have tears in my eyes. It pains me so when another woman has to go down the BC path. You sound like a loving, caring husband. Come here whenever you need to vent, pick brains, whatever. We will cry with you and for you, as well, as be strong with you and for you. Prayers to you, your wife, and your family.

lini

newvickie · October 2006

I am so very sorry. What a load to carry...I don't know what to say at this point but continue to come here with all your needs, questions, worries, anxieties, heartaches and you will be supported by many many women (and men) who are in the same situation you are in. This is a great place to be for support and answers...cyber hugs too.
Sending prayers for your wife, you and your family.
Vickie

MIdb · October 2006

I've been in the fight since 2003 (although we suspected bc back in 2002). It is a long battle, but your role will be to support and minister to her. If you don't know how to cook, clean or do laundry, now is the time. But let her do as much as she can and wants to. Love is more than a feeling, put it to action. Stay involved and Please, Please, Please.....when at the dr, take a pen and paper and TAKE GOOD NOTES!!!!!! I didn't do that, and it caused confusion later, as we tried to remember what the dr said.

ladurbi · October 2006

Learn all you can. Knowledge is power! It will help you make the best decisions and there will be quite a few to make. Knowledge for me is a way of anticipating what is ahead. Support her in any/every way you can. Hold her when she needs to be held, give her space when she needs to be with her own thoughts. Cry with her. Let her know just how much she means to you. Don't be afraid to let her know your fears and concerns. Most of all love her. Go with her to apts. ASK QUESTIONS. If you don't understand the answer ASK MORE QUESTIONS. Be your own advocate. Get more than one opinion. It is overwhelming at first but you two will get through it. My wife, Dawn, was dx in JAN. Underwent mast and imm recon in MAR. Currently on tamox and is doing fine. If you ever have questions email anytime. Click on user name for address.
Best wishes...

texayn2005 · October 2006

All advice sounds good so far. My guy, of 41 years, had never fixed anything more complicated than a pbj sandwich. He was a '50's guy...no cooking, no cleaning, no crying, etc! But he has learned a lot the past year and 1/2. He can cook, clean, and cry. And he has not said one wrong thing during all this time since the dx. It's almost like he's got some kind of hidden radar that knows when to talk , when to listen, when to act, and when to just be still. Most important thing he learned to do is cry. We both just sometimes have to have a good cry. I was always a "crier" and now it's such a relief to have him not only understand that crying is helpful, but to have the kind of togetherness that lets you do whatever you need to do and know that he will affirm it. I was also dx with Stage IV bc mets to bone from the beginning, so our stories are quite different, but the relationship called marriage is the same whether it is for four years or forty years. The vows haven't changed. You just be there, regardless of where you have to pull reserves from. Take your cues from her. Allow friends, neighbors, family to help when they offer - with meals, childcare, housecleaning, etc. so that the two of you will have more time to tend to the business at hand- getting her well and strong again.

djd · October 2006

Arvid,

I'm sorry you and your wife are joining this club, but it's really terrific that you have found this site! It's practically a one-stop shop for everything you will ever need to know about BC, and the message boards have been an incredible source of support for me and thousands of others before you.

This is a difficult journey but you will get through it --you and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.

hugs,

thomcat · October 2006

I, too, am sorry you and your wife are going down this path. Kudos to you for coming to this site. My dh is being as supportive as possible but there are times I wish he would come here for advice. It's wonderful.

All I can say is there will be highs and lows. You have to go with the flow. There will be days where your wife feels like doing nothing but crying and other days the opposite.

Sending you and your family prayers to help you through this.

Curlylocks · October 2006

Hi Arvid,

First let me start off by saying that you are a wonderful husband to come here for support for your wife. Feeling lost, shocked, numb like your lives are spinning out of control right now is probably the best way to describe the NORMAL feelings associated with being diagnosed with breast cancer.

Sorry that your wife and families' life has been turned upside down. I am 42 (41 when diagnosed last Oct 26/05) with invasive ductual carcinoma, a 4 cm tumour and 3 positive lymph nodes. I thought for sure that breast cancer was a death sentence this time last year, but I am here to tell you that many, many women live long healthy lives after treatment.

I finished treatment 2 months ago, returned to work part time last week after having almost 11 months off of work. I am healthly once again and proof that you can come out the other side of breast cancer.

My husband and I have been together 17 years, married for 7 years and our relationship is stronger as a result of my diagnosis. Be there for your wife to listen to her fears, cry with her and dont be afraid to show your emotions as well. She will be very frightened right now. To be honest with you, my biggest fear was of dying. It takes quite a while for the diagnosis to sink in emotionally. There were moments as well where I just wanted to be alone. Your wife will have many up and down days especially in the first few days, weeks after diagnosis. It is important to keep the lines of communication open during this very stressful time in your marriage.

Once your wife has surgery and has a treatment plan in place she will feel a little better that she is doing something to getting her health back.

Be sure to also not let yourself get run down. Let family members help out if necessary and dont be afraid to ask for help.

My husband wanted to do everything for me especially during my 6 months of chemo and I had to tell him a few times that I could do certain things if I felt up to it. It was very hard on my husband seeing me go through treatment and the effects that chemo had on my body - fatigue wise. I bought a very good book called "The Breast Cancer Husband" which he read from cover to cover. It is written by a bc surivor's husband and all the emotions that he went through dealing with his own wife's breast cancer.

Have your wife come here when she feels up to it for support as well. There are many different areas for information, knowledge is power.

When meeting with doctors ask questions, take notes, even a tape recorder. If you dont feel comfortable with answers that are being given to you, seek a second or third opinion.

All the best in your wife's breast cancer journey, it is tough but you can make it through as a family.

Michele Wenz

Shemp · October 2006

Ouch. Sorry to hear. This place is a good resource, and not just the message board. The whole site is full of good info, from the articles to the interviews. Best to you guys.

maryannecb · October 2006

Be calm. We will help.

Fists up!

bonny1963 · October 2006

Kind of new here myself. Just think positive and pray and I will pray for you also. This is a wonderful site and I have found it very helpful in the short time I have been on this journey. Love, Bonny

laryy48 · October 2006

Hi! I cannot possibly give you any better advice thanwhat you have received so far in all of these posts. My wife Kathy was D/X with BC in Sept. 97 and then with mets to the bone and live in Jan , 03. I, along with everyone else, will be here to help you and you wife with whatever support, advice and sometimes a shoulder to cry on or an ear to scream at. Contact me ANYTIME! You have a lot of stuff to sort through and it is no easy. I know because I have been there. You sound like a teriffic husband and father. Listen to all the advice you have received so far and come back here aften whenever you need. Hang in there. You are in my prayers.
Laryy48

hmphillips · October 2006

Quote:

I've been in the fight since 2003 (although we suspected bc back in 2002). It is a long battle, but your role will be to support and minister to her. If you don't know how to cook, clean or do laundry, now is the time. But let her do as much as she can and wants to. Love is more than a feeling, put it to action. Stay involved and Please, Please, Please.....when at the dr, take a pen and paper and TAKE GOOD NOTES!!!!!! I didn't do that, and it caused confusion later, as we tried to remember what the dr said.

Very good idea but I say to take a small tape recorder. that works much better. You can replay it later. Getting the complete session over and over until it makes total sense in your head. Also, take notes at home. Write down all questions you have for the doctor. When you get in there your mind makes a total blank. All you can think about is what he is saying. Later the questions flood back into your brain. Hope this helps. Prayers for you and yyour wife and the long road ahead. My mother and I have been going thru this for almost 10 years hope a much better outcome for yall.

ramonajane · October 2006

HelenMarie said what I was going to. One of the best pieces of advice we got was to get that tape recorder. It really, really helps.

Arvid - I'm sorry you have to be here, but glad you found this place. My partner was dx in June 2005. She is now a 15 month survivor.

Come here all you want - the people are phenomenal, and the resources and information are clear and up-to-date.

Keep breathing, keep loving - one day at a time.

Ah! #$%@!!!!!

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