After Surgery and feeling Depressed

My2suns · April 2015

It was 3 weeks ago yesterday that I had my double mastectomy. I still can't believe that this is happening. I go through the steps as they are presented and I try not to look too far ahead; it's too overwhelming. When I was diagnosed I was so grateful that this was something I would survive. I would joke and tell people that were concerned that I was fine; it was all good. I smiled and made everyone feel better about my diagnosis. Now it's different. I'm so depressed. I have difficulty sleeping and when I do it's nightmares. I was direct to implant, but I told the plastic surgeon to assess if that was right for me when I was in surgery. Cancer was found in my lymph nodes and sentinel nodes too during surgery. Now this means radiation along with chemo. She shouldn't have gone right to implant, but she did. My left implant looks okay but my right implant is terrible and because so many lymph nodes were taken, a large cavern that couldn't be filled was just glued together. It's horrible. The plastic surgeon said she "usually takes care of that in the second surgery," which I'm not having. Radiation is a game changer she said. So now I live with this glued skin mass under my right arm along with all the other joys we all go through. I feel like the plastic surgeon figures that I shouldn't complain about how I look; that I should just be grateful that my cancer was taken out. That's another thing, do you ladies refer to "it" as "my cancer" or "the cancer"? I hate saying my cancer because then I have to accept as mine. I don't know why that bothers me so much but it does. I'm depressed and I just start crying during the day and night. I don't want to do that to my kids, my husband, my sister, my friends, but I still do. I'm lost. I'm lost.

farmerlucy · April 2015

oh my2suns - my heart goes out to you. There is no need to be brave for anyone. Feel whatever you feel. Right now it is all about you. Did the doc give you some anti anxiety meds? They would prob help. Consider an antidepressant too. This is tough stuff. You've been through a lot already and have every reason to be crushed and disappointed. Take things a step at a time. You're not always going to feel like you do now. Gentle hug

hummingbirdlover · April 2015

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I assume by your name that you have 2 sons and you have lots of support and people who love you, try to focus on them because they will give you the motivation to carry on and fight.

It doesn't have to be your cancer. It is a beast and you have to do whatever you need to, to get through this one day at a time. Pray, listen to music, take a walk, or take something that helps you relax, whatever you need to do to tackle today.

Know that you are not alone

AmyQ · April 2015

I am so sorry you are feeling so sad and depressed. Please ask your doctor for some meds for anxiety or depression, they really do work. There's no reason you have to tough this out and be strong for everyone else. Cancer is a game changer and there are no rules for behaviors, emotions, feelings etc. Let it out, and don't e shy about doing so. Please check out many of the useful threads here. I know you will find comfort knowing you are not alone.

My best wishes to you,

Amy

LRGinger · April 2015

I had a very hard time after my surgery as well. it made the whole cancer thing much more real. It's ok to be sad - losing a body part is a big deal, especially when it's followed by more treatment. I know what you mean about making other people feel fine, but I'm sure those close to you want to know how you really feel and want to help. Feel better

Cmo65 · April 2015

I can't bring myself to say "my cancer" either. It's like claiming it and I won't do that. I say: "I'm being treated for cancer". That's it.

wrenn · April 2015

I know from past surgeries that it takes me a while to recover from a general anesthetic. I have even had to temporarily go on antidepressants to get over the hump and in the other surgeries there was no life threatening illness. In every case the surgery was improving my life but it just took some time for my body to clear those strong anesthetic drugs.

You have the added burden of cancer and of a surgery that you are not happy with. Some of us end up feeling ok with how the surgery turned out and we still get down but to have to look at something you hate makes it worse. Hang in there. It does get better.

StFrancis · April 2015

My heart goes out to you, sweat pea.

I don't necessarily have any great words of wisdom (since I'm pretty newly diagnosed and my surgery is still ahead of me) but some things I do know:

1) It is true "emotional labor" dealing with other people's responses to your diagnosis and treatment. I've already have to fake smiles, jokes, and be cool so many times to make other people feel better about my illness...I think I'm just done with that. There are exactly two little people I need to have my act together for (my kids) but everyone else is just going to have to deal. Some days I can joke...some days, I need to be alone to be sad.

2) I refer to my cancer (in my head) by a variety of colorful names involving four letters....that's me and that makes me feel better. You might like "the cancer" "the tumor" "the malignancy" "an invasive carcinoma" or "Barney." There's no right answer, but my big blue binder with all my labs, notes, and doctor contact information is labeled "CANCER BULLSH*T."

3) You are in the belly of the beast right now - how your body looks and how you feel right now will change, and you can ask (DEMAND) more information and more help from your surgeons. You may not get everything looking the way you want right now, but don't let them make you feel like you should just have to live with anything. From pouring over message boards and medical literature I've seen such a variety of approaches and how results can change over time. I'm trying to prepare my own self for that - but I may be exactly where you are in a couple of weeks. Bring your most outspoken friend with you to your next consult if it helps. It was a revelation to me when I met with the plastic surgeon last week and interrupted him to say "NO. NO WAY" to something and no one got mad at me and the world didn't implode.

Take care of yourself and do whatever you need to make yourself feel better these next days. You have permission from a whole bunch of internet people right here.

Janetanned · April 2015

You might even consider seeing someone who is trained in helping the chronically ill or cancer patients. Someone at your breast center (social worker, nurse navigator) should be able to give you a few names to call. I saw a woman who specializes in PTSD. She was great. She helped me put everything into perspective. She also gave me the courage to focus on my own recovery and to let everyone else figure out their own issues around my cancer. I was also able to really talk about my fears without worrying about how she would handle it. My husband was supportive, but going through his own fears about loosing me. I only saw her for a few months, until I was strong enough to handle things on my own. I know I can call her for a 'tune up' if needed. It is a very traumatic time in your life, it is okay to ask for help.

Chloesmom · April 2015

You just had part of your body amputated. It's totally normal to go through all the stages of grief and loss. On top of that you have an unsatisfactory result with your recon. Lots of women have been so angry with how these have been handled. I am so thankful that I have a counselor that understands and a low dose of antidepressant to help me handle adjusting to the shock waves of this major shift in life. Hugs!

tjh · April 2015

I have a wonderful Hubby who has been with me through all of this and cried with me and for me. Wonderful coworkers are bringing supper 5 days a week during my 6 week leave. Cards and flowers come flooding in and I thought I was ok until I was putting laundry away and there in my undies drawer are all of my bras, only a couple boring white or beige, none less then $45.00 and I will never wear any of them again. Cried again and feeling stupid for crying about bras.

SueH58 · April 2015

tij, I'm also in Wisconsin (Milwaukee) and I hope you're doing well. Did you have an Octotype Dx test done? I'm in the throws of determining what my next steps are following my lumpectomy. Due to good path results, I was certain I wouldn't need chemo, but would move on to radiation. I was genuinely optimistic. Even still, I had terrible nightmares, I assume in response to my sense of loss. And the waiting for results was torture.

Then came my Oncotype score of 20, and, subsequently my Mammaprint test came back as high risk, leading me to believe chemo was certain.

Last week, I met with Oncologist #1 (who was wonderful), and who said that she felt chemo would only reduce recurrence risks by 3%. I see Onco #2 on Wednesday.

The ups and downs are emotionally draining, at best. I am hopeful that once my plan of action is determined I will be more stable.

Hang in there, sisters!

Sue

Beachbum1023 · April 2015

tjh, don't toss the pretty bras yet! I still wear mine, I just pin the lightweight form in and go. May not work in the summer with lower necklines, but for now it is a simple pleasure for me. And pretty. I am not a fan of industrial cover it all up bras. Still looking for the answer that works for me. Take Care.

tjh · April 2015

Oncodx, FISH, HER were done, results next week. I went wit the masectomy to avoid. Melanoma runs in my family and radiation raises my chances of getting it by 40+%. So after talking with several Dr. masectomy was a better option.

NATSGSG · April 2015

Hello my2suns, cry if you must, if it makes you feel better... then when you are ready, talk to a support group counsellor of what you are feeling, tell him/her every emotions you feel... later when you would feel calmer, you could revaluate your situation.. you may not want to do that surgery now but since one of your breast is upsetting you, you may change your mind if it makes you feel better.

Could you change to another breast reconstructive surgeon who would do a better job? Ask around for referrals. My location is in Singapore. I have the best reconstructive surgeons I could have possibly ask for. Yes two of them who were just wonderful. Even after taking 1/5 of my breast, the reconstruction was so well done it's healing back to almost normal like.

Ask around your area and see if you can find someone far better than that surgeon. When you do, you would change your mind. Surgeons who are willing to spend time listening to you & then explains how they are going to redo your breast well is generally a good one.

I will pray for you to find this surgeon

After Surgery and feeling Depressed

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