Going it alone

Response to your question: not well!

I am also alone, but not yet 40, and I work long hours, in an industry where people are not 'nice' so there are only a handful of colleagues who know of my diagnosis. I had a 'prospective boyfriend' (I come from a broken home and had really bad experiences with men when young so don't trust them) who ran away (quite literally) on diagnosis, as if I were contagious or 'bad luck' or something. You know what he told me: 'I don't have any time for this'.  I really felt like answering back: 'yeah, I might not have much time left either'. I made him wait because I wanted to make sure he was serious: I don't regret not having 'dived in' as he would have left me all the same, and it would have been even worse.

I am renting and I am going to have to move out some time this summer, right in the middle of treatment (I am really on a roll: b/f; bc; and now accommodation issues), so I am freaking out as I am a one-person household: how I am going to get another rental agreement? What about a mortgage further down the line? Even if I beat this one, by the time I'll be officially 'cancer free', I'll be in my 50's. I am really worried about my career too: it is really ironical that I have worked so hard to get where I am, I have lived such a 'saintly' lifestyle too, and now bc is threatening to destroy everything, me included.

Feeling very lonely too which is why I hit this forum when I got diagnosed: I had found 2 other forums but women were constantly chatting about children, grandchildren etc. and besides I couldn't find anyone with the same diagnosis as me, which really, really, really scared me... This forum is much better 

Don't have much spare time but am trying to continue going to the gym, esp. classes. I only make small talk with the other ladies, but they're kind, and most of them have had health problems (that's why they're at the gym!) so I know they won't 'reject' me if I show up with a headscarf or any other visible signs. If I wasn't renting, I would try to get a cat, although I would have to make provisions for what happens to him when I die. I get insomnia too and sometimes I really do crave a hug, especially at 3am! A virtual one is all I can manage right now, however I hope that when I will be in hospital some of the other patients or nurses won't be too afraid of physical contact. I sometimes wonder whether I should 'become' lesbian: maybe I'd find a partner who is less interested into how I look, and more into who I am.

Well done for supporting your husband the way you did. I don't really believe in karma and all that stuff, but I hope some of your friends or neighbours will be willing to give a bit of their time and energy. Giving you a virtual hug if I may.

Hi, JaneQ - no, you are not the only one without a significant other, or any children. I turned 55 yesterday. Had dinner with my brother's family. Went home to my empty house, and laid in bed staring at the ceiling, feeling like a ghost.

Sometimes it's so lonely (usually at night), and it's worse now that I have a serious illness. I have had to reach out to others, more than they reach out to me, which isn't so easy.

I have a cat. Who has his own health problems (we're quite the pair.)

Also, I confess I spend a lot of time online, and I watch more television than is good for me.

Anyway, welcome to the forum. I have found a lot of comfort and support here. It's easy to look at our solitary lives and feel like a loser, but we are actually pretty brave and resourceful, doing this on our own.

Hi JaneQ,

I am 37 and was casually dating when I was diagnosed. The guy I was seeing literally left town to meet another girl the day of my first treatment so that ended that. I was single all through chemo and I actually enjoyed being a hermit through that time. I stocked up on TV series, books and movies and snuggled with my 2 cats.

It was really hard to take people up on their offer to help but I did and it has strengthened my friendships.

During chemo I would ask friends to come by to take me for a walk when it would fit in their schedule. I knew that walking would make me feel better even though I didn't want to do it. Sometimes we would just walk around the block but sometimes it would be a little longer of a walk. I was sometimes surprised how much I perked up once outside and moving.

When I had surgery I asked one friend to drive me to/from surgery and help me with dinner, another to stay overnight and another to hang out during the day the next day. Each person was able to support me at a time and in a way that worked for them and I felt so much better having someone around.

After I had surgery I started dating someone new, which has been it's own challenges but is going pretty well. I see him a couple nights a week but my friends are still my main support network. I am just now finishing up radiation.

It really has been amazing to feel so much love and support coming from places that I never would have guessed. I have been totally surprised by who stood up to help and reached out to me, including people that I barely knew.

Best,

Kate

Both my cats are black and the long haired boy, Marcel, is my lover. He has bedroom eyes like your Max. My other cat, Priscilla, rules the house and enjoys it when I sit perfectly still so she can lean on me and she sometimes enjoys letting me pet her.

I did an exercise in a dance/performance workshop on feeling emotions completely, letting them over take you and then letting them go that was really helpful for me. You can be completely sad, cry, pout and mope and then just get over it when you're over it and be just as happy as you were sad. I think that our society stigmatizes an "emotional roller coaster" but I have embraced all the feels and I think I am much better off for it.

JQP, so sorry you are feeling this way, but it's understandable with what you are going through. I am 60, divorced, but do have 2 (very busy) children, who have their own lives and kids to deal with. My dog is my comfort. I have two very dear friends that have been super supportive. One of them took me to almost every Dr appt I had. I did have a time at the beginning, that I felt very helpless, alone and scared and wished I had someone there, too. But, I have come to the conclusion that this is Gods' plan for me right now and I have leaned on my faith also. Sometimes friends just don't know what to do, so they don't do anything. Give them direction and suggestions. Maybe someone can bring you a home-cooked meal, rent a movie and hang out. It's okay to have a pity party now and then; we all do. Like you said, just don't get lost in it. And, if you feel yourself going there, you can always ask for professional help. You will amaze yourself at how strong you can be!

Where in Texas are you?

I wish I could just give you a big hug because I cannot imagine what you must be dealing with. I do thank you though for giving me a reminder to not take for granted the support that I have.

I'm sure that you have a friend that you don't realize won't be bothered with a 3:00am phone call. Sometimes that support comes from the ones we least expect.

Hugs to you JQP.  Hope today is better for you.  Is trying out a local church an option for you? How about a support group - check where you're being treated.

And you know, no matter WHO is or was around, I always got onto that radiation table by myself. . .I was acutely aware that I was the one needing treatment, not anyone else close to me.  Where you focus your mind is important - don't get caught up in the fairy-like idea of human support because the reality is often very disappointing.  Smell some flowers today, or whatever it is that makes you genuinely smile.  (((hugs))) Merrellgirl

Hi, Jane

I know exactly what you mean. I am not anyone's first thought or favorite thing. I haven't had a husband or boyfriend in 14 years. It's been that long since I was in love with anyone. I get what that feels like.

But I remember when I was that to someone, and I don't think it made me more contented or a better person than I am now. I think happiness kind of finds its own level in each person, and we let ourselves have only as much as we are used to having.

If only we could find a way to expand our joy. I think there must be some way, so I keep searching.

Jane,

So sorry you are feeling alone. I can say I think I understand. Although I do have family, 3 grown children, a daughter and 2 sons and many friends I too feel alone.

My husband of 30 years passed away on April 2nd. He was a truly wonderful man in every way, I was the love of his life and he of mine. He was diagnosed with small intestine cancer and gone from us in less than 8 weeks. I was diagnosed with BC on June 19th. My kids were grieving for him and then I had to tell them this news. My surgery was July 15th. Good results, although very much discomfort still.

My kids are wonderful, my daughter and sons have been here for me every step of the way. I still feel alone without my husband, and I dont know if that will ever go away. I have joined a bereavement group that starts this week. I will let you know how it goes.

In the meantime, I do urge you to consider joining a support group, being alone physically all the time cannot be doing you any good. There are probably breast cancer support groups in your area. Believe me, just having another person around does help, if only temporarily.

Sending you a warm hug and good thoughts.

Pat Brx