Starting Chemo January 2015

Brandi, You are having a tough time. Please vent, cry, rant...anything that will release the pent up emotions that you can not talk freely about to others. Here you have the comfort of anonymity but the freedom to expose your raw, painful reality of this cancer journey. We are hear to listen, comfort, share.

Has anyone else started acupuncture or therapeutic massages? I think it is time for all of us to at least book a Spa day.

RVYgal and everyone... I went in for my treatment today and my blood counts still were not high enough. We talked about the neuropathy issues. Also my gums feel like they are deteriorating and my teeth hurt all the time. I have the sensitive nail beds too... maybe over a month now on that one. They know very well that I am a quality over quantity gal. I'm not going to put myself through endless torture just to have a longer life. The only thing they could really offer me was to do my treatments every 2 weeks and extend the whole thing 2 extra months. Well the way things are going, neither one of us will have a job or life to get back to. I won't do it. I told them I have a light at the end of the tunnel and it's called May 24th. I'm not extending this hell longer than I have to. I have an appointment this Thursday to have my tumor evaluated by my surgeon to see if it's small enough to stop the chemo and do the surgery. Otherwise they talked about maybe doing the taxotere to see if it works. I'm very irritated about all of this. I feel like we are all guinea pigs while people make boatloads of money off of us with no regard for our lives.

Also in answer to your question, I still have 8 treatments left. I've only just begun and I know this is cumulative so it only gets worse from here.

RVGal and Stillstruggling- congrats on being one treatment away from being done with chemo! That is awesome!

SweetHope- I haven't done any complementary treatments but I joined Gilda's Club and am going to do some yoga and meditation classes with them. What are the benefits of acupuncture?

Brandi- I can only imagine how frustrated you must be. I hope you can get back on track soon whether it's through surgery or Taxotere and that your SE hell ends. This sh*t sucks and there's a point at which your body just says "enough"!

I'm asking for prayers, good vibes, whatever your thing is for a BC warrior friend tonight. She went in the hospital last weekend with double pneumonia in both lungs and a staph infection that has spread throughout her body. She is on a respirator and her kidneys are starting to shut down. She's a fighter but she could use all the positive thoughts we can give her! Her name is Deb.

Good night and sweet dreams everyone.

PS- I'm feeling better today

Brandi, I am so sorry you are struggling so. Hope the surgeon sees a complete response to chemo and you can end these infusions. I am anxious for Thursday, for you.

jlstacey, I definitely will be sending Deb positive thoughts. I also am focusing some strength for you as I am sure this has saddened you deeply.

Gentle hugs to you two. I hope tomorrow brings good news for you both.

Jlstacey – I'm sending a big hug and positive thoughts to you and your friend Deb tonight also so they can get the infection under control. Wishing for a better tomorrow!

Stillstruggling – glad to hear your MUGA was okay and that you are feeling a little better. My last chemo is currently scheduled for Apr 14^th. I'm hoping they can tell me tomorrow how long the effects of chemo will last for especially the taste bud thing...

Brandi – I hope you get some good news from your surgeon on Thursday.I will say for me that the Taxotere has been really tough as well.I haven't had any issues with low WBC (at least so far) but I am reaching the end of my tolerance for it as well.Tough to see it as a better alternative to Taxol but I guess spreading out the treatments may have some merit.It isn't easy to weigh all the treatment options they can throw at us but I hope you are able to come up with the best solution for you.

Cherylfg – Glad to hear from you! Yes, one day at a time makes it easier to cope somehow.

PMR53 – The twitching could be from fatigue for me too, I guess.I can't remember when I last got a good night sleep but I think it is Taxotere too just because of the way it seems to affect my nervous system. I guess in the long run, it won't matter as long as it goes away later! I see you are still coping with the taste bud issue 3 weeks PFC - Yuck! That Taxotere is a tough, tough chemo. Luckily I didn't have it for all 6 of my TX. Your surgeon sounds wonderful! I have looked at some of the reconstruction threads myself and I think your idea to stay away from them is a good plan. We can support you here! Enjoy the rest of April and build up your strength for your surgery in May!

Well I had better get myself off to bed as well.

Take care everyone!

Wendy

HI all,

Feeling really beat up this cycle. Can't believe I am not quite halfway done yet (April 16th is my halfway mark). My body is physically beat up, but I realized that I have been beating myself up for not being more motivated to do 'extras' in my life like staying focused on keeping a good diet, practice and activity, keeping busy, etc. I realized this morning though that right now every ounce of my motivation is going into just getting through everyday life and not just laying in bed sleeping and hiding from the world, which believe me I really want to do. I need to give myself credit for at least trying to live my life. And I am still dancing, although it's at the point where I told my instructor to schedule lessons and just tell me when to show up--because I don't think I would schedule them myself.

I keep reminding myself the darkest place is the middle of the tunnel because you can't quite see the light at the other end yet and everything is dark around you. I am sure once I have my first taxol and it is (I hope!) slightly easier on me and I feel less sick and I really am more than halfway I will perk up. But knowing that it not quite helping right now.

Jenn

Jenn. Listen to Sweet Hope. Rest and listen to your body. You are trying to survive chemo which is so tough. You are amazing to still be dancing and living your life. Resting more is my new normal. Be gentle to yourself sweetie!! We will get through this together !

PMR53

Hi Cherylfg, I am so happy that your hair is growing back, even if it is fuzz it counts! The eyebrows and eye lashes will soon follow. Until then, use lots of eye liner. Did you go to Look Good Feel Better? I love the eyeliner and brow kit I got there. I hope you feel better soon. Cheryl

Sorry for shouting at you, Jenn. I am glad you are getting plenty of sleep, but if it takes staying in bed for 24 hours...please do it. I think it is wonderful that you have such a love (and talent) for dancing. What could be healthier?!

Yeah! Our mascot is named Annabelle. What a cute name!

I hate Taxol! This DD #1 is so painful. My knees and hip joints are aching so much and Norco every 4 hours isn't touching the hurt.

Met a man in the chemo waiting room who has a head full of thick, really thick, brown hair. He showed me his driver's license picture where he had been snowy white before chemo. Gives me hope.

Hi all,

The urge to stay in bed is more mental. Right now I am trying to find one reason each day to get dressed and leave the apartment, even if it is something small between naps.

Can anyone tell me how long a taxol infusion is in general? I heard it was longer than AC because of the extra drugs. My AC infusions were an hour and a half to 2 hours depending on the day.

Jenn

For me, AC was three hours. Taxol is a little over two hours. The Taxol itself is only one hour. I'm doing weekly infusions. I imagine dose dense is longer. I don't get anti-emetics though. I get the steroid then Benedryl and Zantac together and finally Taxol.

Jenn I would like to let you know I am doing the exact same thing now. My last chemo was 7 days ago. In 7 days instead of resting I've had myself so worried about bone mets etc that I ended up puking in a dr. Parking lot, thought about committing myself to a hospital and many other things. My RO did the spinal xray to ease my mind but even now I'm freaking because I have such intense hip and back pain. I do take Neulasta. I went on a couple of threads that said "that's how their bone mets started" etc......my mental state is complete shit right now. My Onco told me that it is very unlikely during any chemo I would exacerbate any symptom as cancer. He also said that stage 2b it is less than 6%likely I would start out with mets. he also said that he truly believes most of my current side effects are from my chemo and that they will take a long time to go away, not just a few weeks. I did taxotere. Now for some reason I can't hear that and have become emotionally crippled with this. I finally emailed today and asked for sleeping Meds and a counselor who works with cancer patients. I feel like a failure asking for pain Meds because then I'm admitting something is wrong......but it is wrong, im in pain. Yes I've discussed this with him and yes he says we will watch it and investigate further if needed but he wants to wait at least until I'm 5weeks post last chemo. Now let me assure you every morning getting out of bed has become a challenge. Some days I just don't want to move. Depression has set in and I understand exactly where you are coming from. I am a shell of the person I was while the cancer was still on me. I don't even know what to do anymore. So I do what I can by reaching out to you all. It's all I have. I try to remind myself that 7 days after chemo I Am still having symptoms right? My eyes are twitching like crazy etc.......just wanted you to know you are not alone

U4iachic

I am so sorry you are suffering like this. I was exactly where you are in the beginning. Crippling emotional anxiety. Crying constantly. I got Ativan and it helped. I could not sleep either. Ativan and Melatonin before bed helps with this. I had/have aches all over and take pain meds if I need. Do not be afraid to get help!! I went to a counselor/ Naturpathic doctor. Start concentrating on taking care of your self in every way. It's all about you now! I finished Taxotere 3.5 weeks ago. You will start to feel better. My eye twitches too. We are here for you!! I am concentrating on nutrition / getting strong for surgery in May. I take vitamins and drink lots of water and rest!!

BeachBum. So glad your hair is growing back. I miss my hair. It sucks . Mine is starting. I look like Schmegal from Lord of the Rings!!

Tomorrow I fly alone to California to see my parents before surgery. I pray my port and wig don't set off alarms. Should be interesting.

Jenn. I think chemo is the hardest mentally and physically I have ever done. It is just plain ass horrible. I never thought I would feel good again. I do and you will too. When you get to the finish line we will be there. Keep getting up everyday and making 1 goal. Mine was yard work and grandkids. They made me forget even for an hour how sick I was.

Love and Hugs to all

PMR53

I saw my surgeon today to talk about maybe going off the Taxol because my body is responding so poorly. Well not all of my body because my surgeon couldn't even tell if my tumor was still there or she was looking at "regenerative tissue". She couldn't measure it. She also couldn't measure my lymph node because it seems to be totally gone. I mean the cancer that was inflating it is gone. She wasn't happy about the idea of me stopping chemo but said she can do the surgery any time. It's my decision. I have it scheduled for May 13th. I feel weird about it like I should be jumping for joy but I actually don't even have the energy to do that. I feel exhausted. Part of me thinks it's too good to be true. Part of me feels guilt and like a quitter and a wuss. I actually ate sushi today to celebrate and I bought a bottle of wine. I haven't had any wine since last year.