Husband doesn't want to tell our 5 year old
I've been reading advice on what and how much to share with small children, but have never seen anyone advocate for complete silence.
My husband thinks we shouldn't tell our kindergarten age daughter anything because "she'll be too scared."
He's nuts, right?
Comments
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Hi ChristaSea,
We're sure others will be by shortly to weigh in on this tough subject. In the meantime, you may want to check out this article from the main Breastcancer.org site that offers advice on this exact issue: Talking to Young Children.
We hope this helps! Let us know what you decide and how it goes!
--The Mods
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You may also want to contact the social worker at your hospital or breast care center; they have a LOT of experience in dealing with such issues.
Personally, I wouldn't throw too much at a five year old girl, but that's just me.
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My five year old knows what cancer is for the most part. I told him it is a ball of sick germs inside the body and medicine tries to make it go away. We had family pass away not too long ago from cancer so of course questions came up. He didnt seem scared but he was able to visualize and understand.
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Your husband is scared and that is understandable. My dd is 5 now and was 4 at dx....and initially I thought maybe we could get away with not telling her. Dh said what about when your hair comes out.....and then I realized we had to say something. I'm not sure what your dx is or what your tx is either, that can affect what you tell her. I ended up getting a children's book to read to her to help her understand some of what was happening. We've actually never came out and said Cancer, but only that I needed surgery because I was/am sick....and that the medicine makes my hair come out.
((hugs))
it's hard for sure, telling your children is very hard.
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My kids were a bit older than your son and we had had close experience with cancer so my kids were familiar with what cancer was. We told them it was cancer when I was diagnosed. But I had a good friend whose oldest son was your son's age when she was diagnosed with BC. They chose to not use the cancer word with their kids because their kids had no reference point as to what cancer even was. So they told the kids something similar to what Tangandchris did. It worked out fine for them, their kids knew mom was sick and needed medicine and surgery to get better.
Kendra
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In my opinion - he/you ill be doing your daughter a grave injustice if she is not given age appropriate information. My Hubby has a lot worse to say about children not being told the TRUTH.
Children are incredibly intuitive as in figuring out 'something' is wrong and having no information that is correct makes it a lot worse to not know what is going on at all than to be armed with knowledge (age appropriate) and have honest answers THEIR questions which may be very different than you might think.
It is highly unlikely that you will get through all TXs without some other adults knowing you are dealing with BC. These 'Peebles' will probably talk within the hearing of their children and it is highly unlikely that some will not say something to your daughter. Not necessarily the truth, potentially scaring her a lot more than the truth would. Also questioning why you weren't honest with her.
Not being honest with kids is something 'near and dear' to Hubby. He was 9 yrs old when his Mom died of Cervical Cancer. He was told absolutely nothing about what was about to happen though he knew something was wrong. The last time he saw his Mom alive was on Christmas Day afternoon when an ambulance took her to the hospital. His Father never told him anything. Roughly 2 weeks later, when he got to school the morning after she died, heblearned that she had died when his teacher told him how sad she was that he had lost his Mom. Hades of a way to find out! His entire life has been effected by this - this is the first year in our 39 yr marriage that be actually finally wanted a Christmas. (This year was my 5 yr since IBC DX and still NED.). When the Boys were little, we did do Christmas but I had to fight to keep it 'usual' for them. It wasn't too many yrs before they realized that Dad had 'problems' with Christmas. I only tell you this to try to show that how 'we' handle/don't handle current issues do have an effect on the rest of life.
You might want to talk with the BC Navigator at your facility for input. You might also want to talk with your Clergy if you have any.
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I understand where your husband is coming from, but it sounds like he might be in a bit of denial. While it will depend a bit on what your diagnosis is and what type of treatments you need, it will be almost impossible to keep everything going like normal as you recover from surgery, possibly do radiation, and especially if you have chemo. Even if you pretend all is well, you (and your husband) will be stressed and worried and you will most likely be more tired and emotional than usual. Kids pick up on that stuff, and if she doesn't have a reason, then she may invent one that is even worse than the reality. I wouldn't overload a 5 year old with details - it's probably enough to say “Mommy is sick and the doctors are going to make her better but she might have a “boo-boo" from surgery for a while and need you to be gentle and/or they will give her some medicine that might make her feel yucky or make her hair fall out, but don't worry once she is done she will be fine".
My kids were 9 and 12 when I was diagnosed, and were old enough to understand more.
Edited to add - I think Kicks and I were posting at the same time ... I completely agree about kids not being kept completely in the dark.
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Kicks that's awful what your husband went through with his mom dying
Shortly before I was diagnosed we had a close family friend pass from cancer, someone who my youngest (age 6 at the time) was particularly close. Because of this I was pretty sure my kids would think the absolute worst if we didn't get them the facts right away. I was right, my 6 year old started sobbing immediately about me dying as soon as he heard "cancer". So thankfully we were able to reassure him and give him the facts about my diagnosis. I shudder to think what would have happened if he would have overheard the info about me having cancer from someone else.Kendra
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HI there, I advocate for complete silence when it comes to a 5 year old I firmly believe children don't need adult troubles. If you have chemo and lose your hair a simple response advocated by a Dr. in Psychology we know is to say you are taking medicine that will make you look funny for awhile but it will make you better. If you have rads only, your children at such a young age wont know you're getting treatment. Once they are age appropriate and young adults you can always tell them so that they get proper medical oversight. Otherwise, at such a young age we don't need to give children our troubles. Just my opine. I'm sure others will offer their own thoughts...Good luck with everything. -
I am kind of in Bevin's camp. I think a 5 year old is too young to know much. At 5, they can take something simple and imagine it to be something an adult never even thinks about. The only time I might do something differently is if the child has known someone who died of cancer. THEN I might try to tell them in a way that put their mind at ease. My kids didn't know anyone with cancer. When I told them, they barely even batted an eye.
I saw a book at a bookstore about cancer and kids. I didn't look at it because it looked like it was more for little kids and my kids are 9 and 11. You might try to see if Amazon has something that could help you.
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Let me start by saying that every family, ultimately, makes their own decisions on this subject. However as an educator (mostly teaching grades 1 and K) I strongly urge parents to tell their children the truth , at an age appropriate level. Here is why; Children are very intuitive and very sensitive to changes in their household, but they lack the emotional maturity, life experience and context in which to frame, cope and understand these things. So, unless you are an amazing actor or you lie to cover up what's happening, your child will know that something is not right. They may not verbalize it, but the stress and anxiety will surface in some way. Five is not too young. The American Cancer Society is a good resource for info on how to speak to children about cancer. Though I teach first grade now, I taught kindergarten for 8 years. When a major family problem occurred, I saw parents who openly, and appropriately, dealt with it by telling their children. I saw, a very few, who chose to say nothing. Without going into detail, the children who knew what was happening in their family had a much easier time than children kept in the dark. I feel very, very strongly about this and though I can't tell your husband what to do, I'd be happy to tell him the possible repercussions of keeping a child in the dark. My best wishes are with you and your family.
Caryn
PS: if your daughter is in school, please let her teacher know what's happening
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Soldieron,
I think that's an appropriate way to explain it to a five year old, without causing any over-reactions of being scared or anxiety. I have no idea what i would have said. My daughter is 15 years old, so there was no hiding anything from her. She'd already heard about breast cancer before, so I guess I'm lucky that she's old enough to understand a bit more, in some ways. Thanks for your insight!
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This isn't quite the same, but my GS was almost 5 when I was DX'd. He and I are very close. It was something I thought about a lot and then when the time came, when I was losing my hair, me and my DD told him. We told him what we thought he could handle in a way that he could understand, but not be too upsetting to him. Now, he looks at pictures of me with my long hair, before chemo and doesn't remember my hair ever being long. He hasn't asked me about it since. Of course, we don't live in the same household, and, if we did, I would not hesitate to tell him. Like someone else posted, 5 yr olds are very smart and intuitive to the "normal" routines and any change will probably raise a red flag. I would also not want to take the chance that he accidentally hears it in another way. Best wishes as you work through this difficult decision. For me, telling my adult children has been one of the hardest things I have had to do, while dealing with this DX, so I know you are struggling. Maybe contact ACS and see if they have any information that might be helpful also. Bless you all!
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My boy was 4. I had the whole ball of wax. I told him I had a booboo on my chest, they were going to cut it out and I would have a scar. He asked if they were going to use a knife. We used the word cancer. I didn't prepare him for the drains so it took him a few days to process when I got home. He told everyone I had a booboo, they were going to use a knife and I had a scarf (scar).
We got "summer" haircuts and he wanted to go bald with me. My husband did. I didn't let him. I was afraid he would burn and he's fair skinned. It was a buzz cut though.
My baby girl had just turned one when I was diagnosed. She learned to walk while I recuperated from the BMX.
The boy now says "when you had cancer...."
The baby says "mommy doesn't have nickels (nipples)." If asked where they are, she replies "in the trash".
We are matter of fact. Except for not preparing him for how I looked right after surgery, he's been fine. He loved to help.
You have to do whats best for your family.
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I'm also of the opinion that it's best to tell children age appropriate things. My daughter was 2 1/2 when I was diagnosed and she is now 4. She doesn't know that I had cancer but she knows that I had a booboo on my chest and that I had to have medicine and that medicine made me feel yucky. Similarly when I had surgery we told her I had a booboo and that she had to be extra gentle with me. Even at 2 1/2 she was picking up on things being a little off with me sleeping all the time due to chemo. We found that it worked well and we also only told her things as they were happening. We made sure to answer any questions she had in a way that she would understand.
We took the same approach a few months back when my dad was diagnosed with brain cancer. She noticed the scar on his head from surgery and asked what it was. We told her that grandpa had a booboo and the doctors had to go and take it out, that they took it out. We haven't elaborated on what the actual diagnosis means but when we feel the time is right we will. Not sure if we will use the word cancer because she doesn't know what that means but we'll chat when my dad's health starts to impact his interactions with her.
This is what makes sense for our family.
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I told my 4 year old but I kept it simple. I told him mommy was sick and would be going to the doctor quite a bit. I also told him there would be times when mommy would be very tired and would need his help; would need him to be extra good and allow mommy to rest and sleep. I told him my hair would be coming out. Most importantly I told him I was going to ok; that the medicines would make me better. Also most importantly, I told him he would not catch it. I told his 5 year old cousins and I told his teachers at daycare so they could help keep an eye on him should they see reactions in him that I did not see. I did all of this very early on before any treatment and side effects. When my hair started falling out, I freaked a little and did not want him to see my head. I started asking if he remembered what I told him about getting sick. He jumped right in and proceeded to tell me all I had told him, including the part about mommy's hair falling out. I told him my hair had stated falling out and asked if he wanted to see. He did. I warned him that it looked bad but did not hurt. His response after seeing it: But you are still pretty, mommy. He has since seen me completely bald and says he likes my head
There are books that may help you and hubby. Chemo Cat is one. Mommy Has Cancer is another. I ordered them from Amazon. I read them first and then read them to my son (after telling him things myself). I changed some scenerios and words of Chemo Cat to more closely reflect our lives.
It is going to be at least a year long process. You may not be able to do things you did before. I think it's best to tell kids and have themprepared for any changes to come.
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I talked to my sons GP then american cancer society . Also only you know your child and what they can handle too much knowledge can be damaging at this age. I told my son I had cancer and the Dr was gonna fix me and give me medicine and my hair was gonna fall out then at the time I let him buzz my hair as it was down to my waist and he loved it. I dont share with him when I feel bad he doesnt need to know. I put his feelings before anyones he is a child and as much as none of us deserve this our kids suffer the most. We are there everything and when we are broken they know and feel it . So sorry you are dealing with this and your husband and you need to get on the same page.
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Sorry one more thing! We also have our son in a courageous kids group through american cancer society where other kids are in the same situation and they talk about it and play and have fun. Jury is still out on it with me due to the fact if someones parent dies it affects them to hear about it . This all sucks. Trust your gut.
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this is so helpful to me. Thank you all! My diagnosis is so fresh (March 10) that my head is spinning and I don't know the secret passwords or handshake yet. I haven't cried, but am afraid I will break down when we talk to the little one and that's not good. Thanks so much for the support and stories and resources <
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You will get through this one way or another and will be sitting here 6 months down the road trying to help someone newly diagnosed as I am . I don't have the experience or knowledge of alot if these wonderful ladies but if anything I have been through can someone else I try . You are in for one hell of a ride. You will see that the little one is goung to be the light out of this dark tunnel on the worst of days and all others the ladies here. My heart goes out to you and your family. Don't be affraid to ask for help...
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My 2c: I think children tend to have a very "small world" in terms of perception, and that they are at the centre of that world. Yes they will sense that something is not right ... it's very difficult to be completely "normal" when you are going through diagnosis and treatment. They might catch on that you are scared, sad, angry, not well ..... and if you don't give them a reason, they may well imagine that is it somehow to do with them?
So I agree with the age-appropriate information camp. Mummy has a sick Booby, and the doctors are going to make it better. Mummy is sore, mummy feels sick/tired. Mummy's medicine will make her hair fall out, but it will grow again, and she will be fine. Whatever your normal words are with your child ... but some things might be harder to hide than you imagine, and if you don't talk to your child about that you won't know how they will interpret what they perceive as "something wrong".
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When I was little, my dad developed a goiter condition that looked a lot like cancer. No one told me about it, but I knew something was dreadfully wrong with my dad because I picked up the vibes. So I imagined all sorts of things, not health related, but that the police were coming to get him or something equally bizarre. Then, he had surgery or treatment (I don't know) and all was well again. My parents should have told me since I already knew something was wrong, and the truth would have been much better than my imagination. Besides, I knew then that I couldn't totally trust my parents to tell me what was going on.
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