Why are they afraid of me?
Comments
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so sorry for everyone who has been shunned by so called friends...even the relatives. I have been fortunate that my loving husband has been by my side whenever I have needs.
I have 3 friends that have stuck to me like glue. One comes to chemo and drives me home so hubby can go to work. I nap, then all 3 and I have chemo nite dinner and a great bottle of wine. Lots of laughter and plan making in the future.
For the rest.....not so much. Many are so busy with their own lives, I understand. If I called, they would come....... But who wants to do that.
Rather than forgiveness for those who have not stepped up, I have just forgotten about them....
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Raider Girl, I hope you've received good news. I am sending thoughts and prayers for whatever strength you need at this time.
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When we are first diagnosed we tend to think the world is revolving around us for many reasons. We have so many decisions to make and treatments to go through. Many family and friends don't feel comfortable because they don't know what to say , because they don't want to bother us, they don't understand what is happening etc.but not afraid of us. I found they may even feel any contact could become a long time commitment to help. If someone asked me if they could help, I made sure it was simple and time constrained. Short things like simply dropping me off for a treatment but not for waiting around. It also gave us a limited time to talk, not long and drawn out. That way they felt that they had helped and they had.
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Those are good insights, Lisa, and a helpful approach. Thank you.
I chose not to tell too many people, for a variety of reasons, one being that I simply don't want to give people the chance to let me down. So far it's working pretty well.
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We all have different psychological make-ups and hopefully choose the path that is right for you.
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I'm 2.5 years out from treatment... I had amazing support and family and friends that came out of the woodwork to help me. I received over 325 greeting cards! And I have not forgotten any kindnesses bestowed upon me! The support of family and friends overwhelmed me.
And then there were those few that totally abandoned me - some were friends for 30 years. Once I had my hair back, no longer looked like a cancer patient, and wasn't so needy anymore, they wanted back in my life. What I learned is that if I was really honest, I did 90% of the giving in those relationships before cancer. It was no longer healthy for me to go back to them. And I did not.
If I run into them at social events or otherwise, I am cordial. If life somehow necessitates me to make a phone call to them, I do it. But that is it. I no longer do the giving, so there is no longer a friendship. Do I forgive them - yes. But I cannot forget their lack of help when I needed them the most. In my book. love means action. And so I have moved on.
It took the entire 2.5 years since treatment for me to be able to speak those words now! And much pain and processing along the way. But certainly one of the most valuable lessons of cancer in retrospect.
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sounds like a lesson well learned.
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I do have to add...right now in my life, I have more than 5 friends going through treatment for stage 4 stage cancer. I really don't have the energy to devote much time to them and it makes me feel guilty
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Lisa, I think simply reaching out with a brief note more or less gently expressing what you've said here would be sufficient for both your friends and assuaging your sense of (misplaced) guilt. Of course, that's easier said than done...
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Yes, but a painful one. I lost friends when I divorced so one learns that friendship means different things to different people .
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325 greeting card Good heavens, that must be a record.
It make me happy to think that 2.5 years from now I will be wiser. This forum has taught me so much.
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I make cards using my own photos...just thinking of you cards..sometimes that is all I can do
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Lisa, that's a LOT and I'm sure it means a great deal to your recipients.
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I have done a lot of reading on this one, but just now replying. In my case, I think people just were afraid of saying the wrong thing. So they said nothing. At the time, I felt really isolated and hurt. Now that I've pondered the whys, I can't blame them (or at least most of them). Fear can paralyze. -
kittysister,
you are so right. People freeze. You can see it in their eyes.
I wonder sometime how many times I did that. I remember I receptionist I worked with that had lumpectomy, radiation and chemo. Much to her MO amazement she did not loose her hair. Thinking back I don't believe I ever supported or comforted her. All I did was comment on how fortunate that she had hair.
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Kittysister, your attitude is very gracious.
RG - I think that looking back we can all see situations where we could have done better. Hopefully, we learn compassion for others from that experience as well as learning to do better ourselves.
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Or, you could respond like my mother in law did today when I told her by rambling on about how her 19 year old niece is having a lump removed in a few weeks near my house and then crying and ME reassuring HER. Ugh. lol
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Trvler - I swear, MILs are part alien! I loved mine but she left both my husband and I shaking our heads on more than one occasion. We were 2nd class citizens (I think) because we hadn't given her her first grandchild. Once that kid was born almost no one else mattered to her. It was actually kind of strange. I'm sorry yours is so incapable of responding kindly and appropriately.
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Thanks, Hopeful. We knew she would be making it all about her in some way. That's why we waited to tell her for so long. But now that I am looking at surgery soon, she is going to have to know.
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RG, you hit the nail on the head .. the eyes. Almost like a dear in the headlights kind of look!
I agree, it isn't easy coming up with the right thing to say, Hopeful.
Hey, Trvler, hang in there. Not easy, I know!
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I saw this earlier and thought of this thread:
I do have to admit, now that I've recovered from surgery and my time of need has passed, I no longer feel so hurt and upset by the people who have not been there for me. So maybe some of my disappointment was more about where I was emotionally than their failures. I have come to realize that most people's reactions to my illness, both good and bad, are more about their own emotions and experiences than about me.
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Let toxic people out of your life...you do not need them.
But on the other hand don't be too quick to judge.
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Emily
I see some wisdom in your words. Most women venting on this thread are not passed it yet. However, your post gave me hope that the lack of sensitivity won't poison me permanently. I dont want to be like that.
Be well
RG
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Just curious if anyone found anyone being there for them that they actually did NOT expect?
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My good friend had just been through her husband's cancer. He died. I really went all out to help her. Her parents flew out and stayed with us quite a while. We even let them use one of our cars. When I was diagnosed I think she could not handle it. She never said. I went through a couple of really bad years. Finally , we get together for lunch once in a while. But it is not the same.
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Trvler - Sort of. I've been really touched by the care demonstrated by my step-mother's adult kids. We did not grow up together and aren't close (not unfriendly, by any means, but not close like siblings) but they have been sweeter and more present than most of my friends.
For the most part, it's my family that I turn to - my dad and step-mom, my siblings have all been terrific, each in their own ways, as, of course, has my husband. I'm really fortunate in all of them. I know many spouses can't handle the diagnosis; that was never an issue for us. I think it helps that my family and my husband's have all gone through cancer dx. before.
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@RaiderGirl - I'm glad what I said makes sense to you. I was really hurt when I originally found this thread, but I'm not anymore - what a difference a few weeks can make
@Trvler - I've been pleasantly surprised by the compassionate responses of some acquaintances, like the wife of my husband's former coworker who from the other side of the country sent me a card telling me that she also had breast cancer, and that I will get through it. I can't, however, think of anyone who I would say has been "there for me" who I wouldn't have expected it from - and I can think of several of haven't been there for me who I would have thought would be.
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Emily: I am sorry about the people who weren't there. I don't know. I guess for me expectations of people is pretty low. I truly get not knowing what to say. But I don't have a lot of close women friends so maybe I would feel differently if I did and they aren't there for me.
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It's interesting to me that many of my husband's friends (both male and female) have been more thoughtful and present than my friends and, to a certain extent, colleagues. I guess one just never really knows how people will respond and we must not let their responsiveness or lack thereof, take a toll on US. We've got more important concerns and our stewing over hurts isn't going to change anything. We can change who we turn to, change our expectations but should do so with compassion towards both ourselves and others. Holding onto that disappointment and/or resentment only harms ourselves.
Not that it's undeserved or easy or less than human nature - just that it boomerangs on us.
And I'm not trying to lecture anyone, so please, please don't take it that way.
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I have an unusual case of caring by a friend. I have known this friend for well over 55 years and many times we were closer, then drew further apart only to return to a close relationship again. When I found out I had breast cancer, I emailed the news and requested she not call me right away because I had not yet had surgery and could not give her the details until the final report was in. She then called, we talked, cried, and laughed together.......she was very caring and nurturing and always has been. We usually emailed each other once a week and spoke on the phone once a month. A year goes by and she emails me that she also has been diagnosed. She asked for time before I contacted her and I gave her time to get the surgery over and a final report and frequently emailed her my sympathy. When I did call her she blows me off telling me that she does not want to discuss it because she will not let cancer run her life. She refused to not only answer some of my questions but tells me not to ask anything about it because she is strong. I realize everyone has their own way of dealing with cancer but I was bewildered that she was there for me to offer support yet she wouldn't allow me to give any. Just one of things that I encountered once diagnosed. Sending good thoughts
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