Why are they afraid of me?

Raider Girl, I hope you've received good news. I am sending thoughts and prayers for whatever strength you need at this time.

Those are good insights, Lisa, and a helpful approach. Thank you.

I chose not to tell too many people, for a variety of reasons, one being that I simply don't want to give people the chance to let me down. So far it's working pretty well.

I'm 2.5 years out from treatment...  I had amazing support and family and friends that came out of the woodwork to help me.  I received over 325 greeting cards!  And I have not forgotten any kindnesses bestowed upon me!   The support of family and friends overwhelmed me.

And then there were those few that totally abandoned me - some were friends for 30 years.  Once I had my hair back, no longer looked like a cancer patient, and wasn't so needy anymore, they wanted back in my life.  What I learned is that if I was really honest, I did 90% of the giving in those relationships before cancer.  It was no longer healthy for me to go back to them.  And I did not.

If I run into them at social events or otherwise, I am cordial.  If life somehow necessitates me to make a phone call to them, I do it.  But that is it.  I no longer do the giving, so there is no longer a friendship.  Do I forgive them - yes.  But I cannot forget their lack of help when I needed them the most.  In my book. love means action.  And so I have moved on. 

It took the entire 2.5 years since treatment for me to be able to speak those words now!  And much pain and processing along the way.  But certainly one of the most valuable lessons of cancer in retrospect.

I do have to add...right now in my life, I have more than 5 friends going through treatment for stage 4 stage cancer. I really don't have the energy to devote much time to them and it makes me feel guilty

Yes, but a painful one. I lost friends when I divorced so one learns that friendship means different things to different people .

I make cards using my own photos...just thinking of you cards..sometimes that is all I can do

I have done a lot of reading on this one, but just now replying. In my case, I think people just were afraid of saying the wrong thing. So they said nothing. At the time, I felt really isolated and hurt. Now that I've pondered the whys, I can't blame them (or at least most of them). Fear can paralyze.

Kittysister, your attitude is very gracious.

RG - I think that looking back we can all see situations where we could have done better. Hopefully, we learn compassion for others from that experience as well as learning to do better ourselves.

Trvler - I swear, MILs are part alien! I loved mine but she left both my husband and I shaking our heads on more than one occasion. We were 2nd class citizens (I think) because we hadn't given her her first grandchild. Once that kid was born almost no one else mattered to her. It was actually kind of strange. I'm sorry yours is so incapable of responding kindly and appropriately.

RG, you hit the nail on the head .. the eyes. Almost like a dear in the headlights kind of look!

I agree, it isn't easy coming up with the right thing to say, Hopeful.

Hey, Trvler, hang in there. Not easy, I know!

Let toxic people out of your life...you do not need them.

But on the other hand don't be too quick to judge.

Just curious if anyone found anyone being there for them that they actually did NOT expect?

Trvler - Sort of. I've been really touched by the care demonstrated by my step-mother's adult kids. We did not grow up together and aren't close (not unfriendly, by any means, but not close like siblings) but they have been sweeter and more present than most of my friends.

For the most part, it's my family that I turn to - my dad and step-mom, my siblings have all been terrific, each in their own ways, as, of course, has my husband. I'm really fortunate in all of them. I know many spouses can't handle the diagnosis; that was never an issue for us. I think it helps that my family and my husband's have all gone through cancer dx. before.

Emily: I am sorry about the people who weren't there. I don't know. I guess for me expectations of people is pretty low. I truly get not knowing what to say. But I don't have a lot of close women friends so maybe I would feel differently if I did and they aren't there for me.

I have an unusual case of caring by a friend. I have known this friend for well over 55 years and many times we were closer, then drew further apart only to return to a close relationship again. When I found out I had breast cancer, I emailed the news and requested she not call me right away because I had not yet had surgery and could not give her the details until the final report was in. She then called, we talked, cried, and laughed together.......she was very caring and nurturing and always has been. We usually emailed each other once a week and spoke on the phone once a month. A year goes by and she emails me that she also has been diagnosed. She asked for time before I contacted her and I gave her time to get the surgery over and a final report and frequently emailed her my sympathy. When I did call her she blows me off telling me that she does not want to discuss it because she will not let cancer run her life. She refused to not only answer some of my questions but tells me not to ask anything about it because she is strong. I realize everyone has their own way of dealing with cancer but I was bewildered that she was there for me to offer support yet she wouldn't allow me to give any. Just one of things that I encountered once diagnosed. Sending good thoughts