Starting Chemo in December 2013

Hi Ladies! Hope your weekend has been great!

Jodi, I honestly still have not regained my stamina since finishing chemo/radiation and last month with the infection really did me in. The past few days though I have FINALLY been feeling really good! It helps that I'm sleeping good, what a difference that makes!

I met with a new Internal Medicine doctor on Friday to be my primary care physician...I liked her. She did a really thorough exam (even sprung a pelvic exam on me! eek! glad I shaved!) She upped my Effexor to twice a day so we will see how that goes. She was talking to me about everything I had been through in the past year so I was telling her, then she said "are you going to cry?" of course i was like "um no....well....maybe....hell i don't know!" and she started laughing and handed me the kleenex. She asked about depression and I told her that I didn't know if I was depressed, but still more just numb. Does anybody else feel that way? I mean, I look back on the last year and at times I can't even believe yet that it happened to me. It's somewhat hard to move on from though, isn't it?

Well anyways....also met with my MO, I told her I did not want a PET scan next month. She said it was completely my choice and I choose to just be healthy right now and not have to think about cancer so i'm going to skip this one.

Watching the Grammys tonight....John is up for parole so if you feel like saying a little prayer we would so appreciate it!

Hugs and lots of love to you all....

Michelle

Jodi, I'm not on hormone blockers so I don't have side effects from that. My body still aches but it's only been 2 weeks since my last treatment. I've been in physical therapy for my hip. An old injury acted up either with the loss of my muscle mass that supported or all the drugs that was pumped into me. I go back to my general practitioner tomorrow because PT hasn't helped at all. Looks like I'll have to have an MRI. Grrrrrr does the slaps in the face from treatment ever stop coming. It's so frustrating. I just want my active life back. I have no problems with exhaustion. Quit the opposite, I'm never really tired and I can't sleep. Still need to take sleeping pills. Oh and still have tender feet and my hands and feet get hot...sigh

Michelle, I don't feel depressed. Most the time I don't know how I feel. I always have that nagging feeling like something is bothering me and I can't quite put my finger on it. I don't feel settled or secure and I don't know how to get that feeling back. The only thing I know is that within the next two years I want to move out to Colorado to be be by my sister and her family. I want to be with family. I'm working on networking with my organization to get a transfer out there...... I have my fingers crossed for you and John.

Happy Valentines Day to my favorite ladies! Love you all!

Michelle

Just gotta believe it will never happen Lisa.....that is what I keep telling myself! Yesterday I had to have and ECHO done on my heart. Doctors are concerned I could have some damage from the chemo/radiation and just wanted to check things out. I feel it will be ok, but you just never know with all that shit we had put into our veins and zapped with. I guess the reason they want to check it is due to my blood pressure being so high, my shortness of breath and the fluid retention i cant seem to get rid of. arggh....always something.

Michelle and Djj, good luck with the tests and more shit to worry about. Grrr is right. Always looking over our shoulders and wondering if this can REALLY happen again?! Just want these months to go by fast so I/we can get to 2yrs/3yrs/5yrs....without you know what. He who can not be named. I'm going to call my mo on Monday and ask her how sure is she that the lump at my first incision(the wrong lump) is just scar tissue, it's at 12:00 position so that's more fleshy and may get more scar tissue buildup, right? I don't have a Scar tissue lump under my arm at the cancer lump site. Want to make sure especially now since another tn bc sister has an recurrence

ladies, I share in your fears and your fatigue. DJJ and Lisa- keep us posted on results. Michelle- how are you feeling?

Guys, I have been working out with a personal trainer and watching what I eat for 6 weeks now. I thought id have more energy and lessening joint pain by now ... But I don't. I'm mad, sad, and depressed by it. I feel like I'm fatigued all day long.

Kimie, I'm 38 too. By evening I feel like I've been run over by a truck.

Here's a recent blog post about the week I had last week. I talk about how frustrated I am with being tired.

I think my problem is that I'm trying to do everything I did pre cancer. But I don't know what to drop. Especially now since I've committed to everything. I guess I need to just stick it out ...

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Rough week

It's so odd how things can be going both good and bad at the same time. So thrilled for this Hawaii trip. I've received blessings to be able to travel from friends and precious family and strangers. I'm so very blessed.

I learned about "waiting on The Lord" this week in Bible study. Learned that "to wait" is an action and not an inaction. That's so hard for me. But I'm comforted in knowing that God knows what I need to hear even when I don't want to hear it.

You'll understand that when you read my complaining / venting below.

It's been a rough week.

I've been dealing with joint pain and breathing trouble. Then poor Sarah... What I thought was "just allergies" turned out to be walking pneumonia, 2 trips to pediatricians office, an a near miss for going to ER.

I've missed classes both days this week. My eating has been poor and while I've tried to keep up my cardio and strength training...that's suffered this week too.

Wednesday night was rough. I had to give Sarah 2 breathing treatments back to back to get her to stop coughing. Had that not worked we would have been in the ER. But thank God she finally settled down her coughing enough where she could catch her breathe. It was scary.

She is such a trooper. You never really know if she is sick. She has a high pain tolerance. My tough little girl.

My pain is actually better today. My joints aren't aching as bad.

I'm frustrated that I still have joint pain and no energy. I thought the exercise would help. I thought I'd be dropping all this wonderful extra weight by now. It should be falling off me and it's just not.

I go see my docs next month for follow ups. If I complain of fatigue and one of them says I'm just "de conditioned" I might lose it. I've been working my butt off (man i wish that could literally happen).

I do feel stronger but it's baby steps. I would think I would be seeing more improvement by now. It really has me down. And I can feel the depression starting to creep in...

I did Receive a second confirmation today that we are making the right choice opting for the complete hysterectomy and oophrectomy. Praise God for those.

PLEASE start praying now for that May 19th surgery. Pray that they are able to do it laparoscopically and that there are no complications. Like someone shared in bible study... Pray for me to be in the center of Gods Will.

Pray for complete healing for Sarah and continued health for the rest of us.

Also pray for my favorite relocated jersey girl :0). She has the flu and more little ones to watch over than me. Love her so much.

Thank you all!

Much love,

Holli

Lisa, definitely call your MO. If only for peace of mind.

East coasters, I must confess I do not miss the weather.

The joint pains did start up with me, but recently. Lisa asked about it when we met, but it wasn't happening then. Holy crap, talk about hobbling around.

Holly, I understand where you are coming from in the frustration department. I started documenting caloric intake and exercise(calorie burn off). The weight is not leaving and I am under 1500 calories a day. It sucks.

On the flip side....my port is coming out on Thursday. I will not be awake. I requested being put out. With all the issues (clogging and tilted) I just do not want to know if it gets complicated or not.

Most days I able to deal with life without Ativan. That being said...any stress or disruption can throw me completely into a panic mode. Is this the PTSD so many people mention?

ok... I'm gonna ask this. I feel bad, but I'm hoping y'all have organizations or know people/businesses that may want to help.

But please know I'm asking for a pass along and not anything from y'all.

Can I post the link to my fundraising page to help me get to the survivorship program in Hawaii?

Be honest ladies...

Holli

Robin, congrats on being de-ported! YAY, one more step:).

Lisa, let us know what MO says. Hoping for the best!

Holli, I don't see why you couldn't do the fundraiser...I'm sure it will go well!

Kim, glad your bone density went well.

I can't shed an ounce; actually have a few pounds creeping up on me...so frustrating! But, no joint pain or other SE's, so I guess I'll have to deal with it.

Have a great week-end, ladies!

((HUGS))

Holli, That sounds like an amazing time! Hawaii in April...sigh

Robin, Yay on being deported!!! My port area is still a little tender but I can sleep on my right side again and my bra doesn't bother me anymore!!!

I got my MRI results. I have a low grade tear in my hamstring tendon. It's unknown if it's an old injury that I've reinjured by trying to go right back to my hard workouts or if it's a new injury I did to myself while working out. I tend to believe it's an old injury. I've had physical therapy on this hamstring before. So I need to take it slow on the workouts and build my muscles slowly. Sigh....I'm so sick of taking it slow!!!!

Port is out, but I was not. Panic started to rise, so I received a Valium prior to being prepped. 5 iv attempts before success. 3 different nurses. Even the ultrasound attempts did not work. Versed and fentanyl were injected into the iv. Numerous times...they had some difficulty removing it due to it being sutured in and covered with scar tissue. I kept hearing the doctor say..."more meds please."

Holli, your trip sounds amazing. I hope you are able to raise that airfare with loads of time to spare.

Barbara, so happy to see that Moki is doing well.

DJJ, that sucks. Hope you heal quickly. Hamstrings are a bitch.

Michelle and JBok how are you?

Lisa, keep us updated!

Kimie, how is school going?

Kim, can you say NASCAR is back?!? Congrats on the good bone scan.

Keepthefaith, weight loss feels almost impossible. I am pretty sure it is the tamoxifen that is making it difficult.

Yes Holli, I did. Three different people asked if I wanted it. I said no. I was then asked if I wanted to see it because it was pretty and shiny. I said yes, saw it, and changed my mind. They are technically not supposed to give it to you. So they officially have "no idea" how I got my hands on it.

good read on chemo brain

http://www.curetoday.com/articles/ChemobrainIts-Real-Its-Complex-and-the-Science-Is-Still-Evolving

Robin - good riddance mr. port !!! yay

Holli - awesome one the trip, what I would give for hawaii right now, I can barely see out my front window because of the snow. uugghhh

Big midterm tomorrow been studying the better part of the day, I feel pretty confident that I will do ok.

I just want to be able to stay up past 10pm, hahah... no but really.

xo

DJJ, see faith Hill's haircut on the oscars last night? Looks like yours except yours is dark. Lots of women are wearing this short cropped hair. And of course annie Lennox, scarlet johansson Our look is in!

Robin, How's the port site healing?

Jb, haven't heard from you in a while. What's up