Telling kids ages 9 and 11?

I also have two daughters age 8 and 10. When I was first diagnosed we didn't tell them, but realized they were likely overhearing things anyway. I am a teacher and spoke with the guidance counselor at my school. She gave some excellent advice. Often when kids don't know all the facts and have to fill in the blanks it can make it more scary. When armed with the facts they can handle it much better. We told the girls and truly it was much better when they knew what was going on. No more wondering about why mommy is at the doctor. We were able to move forward as a family and deal with this crappy card we have been dealt. Best of luck to you and your family. It is not an easy road to travel and we all do he best we can to make good decisions along the way.

My son was only 4 when I was diagnosed so we waiting until right before my surgery to tell him.  I knew for about 7 weeks before I told him.  I didn't tell family/friends until a few weeks after I found out. I wanted to have my test results and a treatment plan in place before I had those conversations.

Mine were 6 and 10 when I was diagnosed. We didn't tell them about the actual cancer diagnosis until after we knew more info, like staging, etc. We'd recently had a good family friend pass from cancer so we didn't want to tell them without knowing details--we knew they would need details after dealing with the friends passing. But when I was going through the biopsies/MRIs/CTscan/diagnosis part we only told them I was having some tests done. After telling them my 10 year old girl was very sad about me losing my hair and my 6 year old boy decided I was going to die (after losing his friend he equated cancer=death immediately)

Kendra

Hi Trvler,

In addition to the great advice and shared experiences here, you may be interested in checking out the main Breastcancer.org site's page on Talking to Young Children and Talking to Older Children and Teens for some good tips on explaining your diagnosis to your kids.

We hope this helps!

--The Mods

My son (age 11) was with me when the breast center called about my mammogram being suspicious. Somehow he just knew and started crying immediately. I was shocked since I myself was not really concerned. I was sure it was nothing. Anyway after my biopsy but before I got the results, I told him that the doctor said it probably was cancer. And he said, "OH! I just hope it is Stage 1. Really try to have Stage 1." I have no idea where he got that. So, then before my surgery I actually drew him a diagram of the lumpectomy and sentinel node excision and what those would involve. He asked questions and I answered them as honestly as I could. After that talk he thanked me for being honest with him. He knows that now I am having radiation and we have discussed what that involves and how it works. I know he's been afraid but he has been a real champ. We also told his teacher and the principal of his school. We just wanted to be sure that folks there knew in case he was not himself.

Hi,

My kids were 7 (almost 8) when I was diagnosed.  I worked with a social worker, and she told me that the kids needed to know the truth at that age, factual truth, but with as few details as possible.

I have two boys that are 8 and 10. They knew something was going on because I had multiple dr appts (very unusual for me) and Dad went to a couple of them. Oldest would ask Dad questions about me. Once we knew for sure that I had cancer we told them, and then I spoke to them separately while laying in bed. They both seemed to respond well in this situation. They did not have to look at me if they didn't want and they actually asked a few questions. Surprisingly, they knew a little as well. Fortunately, they have never experienced a bad outcome with any type of cancer in our immediate family/friends, so they did not first think that Mommy was going to die. We had a few laughs and hugs and reassurance that we would get through all of this together as a family. I am anxious to find out what my plan of treatment is so that I can better prepare them for the near future. My MIL also found a few books that she sent to us. One is a compilation of pictures and stories from other children that have parents with cancer. One was kind of like a workbook that seems like it would help with their feelings. They are pretty honest so I want to know my treatment plan before doing these with the boys.......You know your children best. I am confident that you will handle this uncomfortable situation the right way.