How do you keep from feeling your life's been ruined?

Yes, to the thought of having no treatment occurred to me. When I asked my MO what would happen with no treatment, her response was that I would live about one year. Her little pronouncement put me on go and I am so happy that I have done everything recommended by my entire medical team. Treatment, every aspect of it, is brutal, but it works for many of us. I am grateful that we have the treatments that we do.

Have a question for some of the "veteran" women who follow this thread... I thought I was in a place of acceptance after 18 months, but realized that all came crashing down last night. Doesn't help that I have a 20 yr old and 21 yr old that find every way imaginable to push my buttons.... a war with them puts me over the edge and back at the brink of a breakdown. I fell back into the "hate my body", hate this disease that could still be lurking in the shadows, want to relieve stress to stay healthy but my kids just do the stupidest things to raise the stress level beyond being managable and cried for hours until I fell asleep.

I wanted to call my boss last night & quit my job... I am so tired. The hot flashes & night sweats take away real rest. The burden of trying to raise responsible, respectful adults is so wearing... I know we all knew it all at their age, but for christ sake... help your mother out with the little things and stop taking me for granted.

Just wondering if anyone else had multiple meltdowns after you have been in the "clear" for a while? I am normally a glass half full, full of life person... but fell back into a dark hole again last night and am having trouble climbing out today. Just want to give up on everything. Quit my job, sell my beautiful house that we just finish a complete remodel on right before my diagnosis, walk away from my "legally adult" kids and find a place to escape and start over.

Sorry for venting... sometimes makes you feel better to type the crazy thoughts that run thru your head.

Delvzy - PTSD for sure - how can we not have it!! It's nice to be able to be honest here with other's who understand. The biggest reason you can't be honest with other's - is they don't get it. They think they do... but unless you've lived it - you don't have a clue!!!!!!!!

I didn't have many dark days early on - probably just numb and did what I had to do to get thru it and hope to move on. I'm sure there will be more, unfortunately. But I'm glad we have someplace to go when those days do happen!!!!

I have found a few plus's having gone thru this experience. I don't have much of a filter anymore - I say what I think (probably not always good lol) and I learned to only do things I WANT to do... I say "NO" more and don't get twisted into waisting my time on things that won't make me happy.

Thanks again for listening!!!

I agree n every time i was due 4 a mammogram it was so stressful even the time up waiting 4 it.

When i had y 5 year anniversary i was so excited i thought that was it but deep down i questioned. 14 years  later it decided to come n torture me, noe of course metastatic. Not everyone get a recurrence,  just us lucky ones. Oh n i am a 1/2 emtpy kinda person

Blondie & Delvzy Yes, it does hit hard when you see news of someone well-known dying of a recurrence - especially when they started out at the same stage that you did. It really drags you down.

My understanding is that chemo, etc., kills cancer cells but doesn't kill cancer stem cells, so they can sit in your body working away to create whatever cells they need and then, one day, whamo - you've got a recurrence. Don't quote me on this, but that's what I'm getting from reading the literature. What we need is something that kills the stem cells as well as (or in addition to) the regular tumor cells.

Blondie, I'm so sorry that you were hit with a recurrence after so many years. Thinking of you.

it is residal cancer STEM cells that differentiate us from people who never had cancer, our bodies can deal with them if sufficiently well resourced. But the right combination of chemicals, hormones and triggers can stimulate stem cells to try and create mets.......

bonski, i think you need a lawyer. that f****r. i am so sorry, and i do hope your daughter t least can come to you. that f****r husband needs to pay for all your care, and that of the kids too. You did the job of mother and wife for all that time, and i just cannot believe he would be so cruel. it is probably better to get the kids away from him, before he poisons them with his hard heart.. i can't believe him

no money for a lawyer, but my soon to be ex is taking care of a lot. He's paying off all our debt (and there is quite a bit of it). He pays me $500 per month, pays for my car (and it's not a cheap one) and pays for my insurance. I'm hoping that the request for me to get housing allowance will get approved! I also get to keep my portion of retirement plan that I saved up for when I was working.

I'm still waiting for my car and personal belongings. I told him that he gets to keep all the big stuff and memorabilia.

Once the divorce is final and he retires from the military, I will be entitled to half of his pension (around $2200 a month for me) and he still continues to pay off any debt if there is any left by that time.

My daughter comes to visit for spring break and I hope she likes it enough to want to move here once I'm able to live on my own. If she does, husband agrees to pay child support that includes living arrangements since I have to get a 2-bedroom place.

Thanks for letting me vent!

Blodiex46....thanks for your welcome

Tomboy,

I'm afraid to rock the boat and end up having to pay for half of the bills. I'm also afraid to 'start a fight'....don't want my kids feeling like they have to take sides. My husband is also stationed in the UK (Air Force). Not sure what a lawyer can do to change the situation

Vent away! that's okay! I was just getting mad at him for you! (((bonski)))

Bonski, u vent away, so sorry u r in the middle of that while doing the cancer thing  big hugs

Tom..u r the best hugs 4 u 2

Tang - good luck with your scan tomorrow. I hope you get your results quickly and that it's all good news. I'm passing on all the supportive energy that others shared with me earlier in the week.

I had an unsettling thing happen today and I need to get this out somewhere...bare with me please

I took dd out today around the block to sell girl scout cookies. She's a daisy scout and this is our first time doing this, she was very excited and I was happy to be able to walk around with her and do it. I had no thought of BC, other than being happy that I felt good today and It wasn't so long ago that I didn't.

So, we go to the street behind us and knock on a door and a woman answers the door who is obviously undergoing chemo. She is bald, and has no eyebrows and has the runny nose that I remember. I was dumbfounded! I stood there and looked at her and blurted out "your being treated for cancer, right"? She said yes, I sensed that I may have upset her and I told her that I had just finished rads/chemo over the summer. She asked me if it was BC and I said yes and she said hers was as well. She was stage 4, mets to lungs and liver and she said she'd been dealing with it for 11 years.

I swear I just can't get away from BC!!! I hate cancer, I hate how it takes hold of your life and just doesn't let go no matter what! I just wanted to go out and sell girl scout cookies with my 5 year old and not have BC hanging over.

just needed to vent...thanks

Ruined? No. Changed forever? Yeah.

I've found great comfort in a book I did not think I'd like at all, Greg Anderson's Breast Cancer: 50 Essential Things You Can Do. I've found it to be incredibly uplifting and read it again and again when I need an attitude adjustment. Despite the diagnosis of BC I have a lot to be grateful for, I just lose sight of that sometimes. Anyway, I find this book not only to have some good practical advice, but to be emotionally comforting and helps me keep things in perspective-mostly.

Thank you for the reading suggestions, ladies. As much as I try to remain positive, there are times I am simply overwhelmed with fear. I am trying to move past it.