How do you keep from feeling your life's been ruined?

exbrnxgrl

hopeful,

Perhaps, you are misunderstanding me or I am stating it badly. You do indeed need to go through all the negative stuff, grieving, mourning, anger whatever. But if you are ultimately looking for peace and happiness, despite the mess that bc creates, you, and no one else, has to find it. That will not cure you, nor make the treatments better, nor lessen the se's  or anything we all wish existed. It will simply allow you to live as well as you possibly can in a crappy situation. This not a lecture but just a response to the thread title (How do you keep from feeling you life's been ruined?) 

I suppose my perspective may be somewhat different in that I am stage IV and I have no realistic hope for a cure. Treatment forever and then death is most likely in my cards.I was angry, I grieved and mourned everything I lost and all I will probably lose. But after a few months (and Effexor!) it was important to me that I not spend what time I have left being angry, depressed or in perpetual mourning. If I did, then cancer will really have taken my life.  Is "change your attitude" unhelpful? Maybe, if you haven't had your chance to go through the angry,,grieving etc,,but in the end you either do adjust your outlook or spend your time grieving and angry. What else can you do?

Caryn

PS: I still have bad days, stage IV is like that, but that will not rule whatever time I have left.

angelia50

exbrnxgrl, bless your heart and you are so right.  I feel pretty ashamed of myself for feeling like my life has been ruined when I had one of the best prognosis I could have had with the word invasive in front of it.  When I first found this out, I said I am not dead, I dont' want to be treated as if I am and don't want to act as if I am and I think for the most part, I do a good job but in my head is my biggest problem. Thank you for your honest statement and I do need to take my situation as the blessing it is and be glad and treasure each day. In our household, we always take a situation and say, it could be worse and this is one of those times for sure. Mine could have been worse, yours was and yet, you are handling it much more classy than I am.

rozem

my life for the last 3 yrs has been challenging. Ruined? Yes to some degree.  I, as did all of us, lost a lot to this disease. My old body, brain and life. I hate that it was the end of innocense.  At 42 i thought i was so healthy and that i would no doubt live a long happy life like most of my relatives. With the diagnosis that thinking is not any more. There is a cloud thats for sure. My dad passed away 2 years after diagnosis and I lost my ability to go back to a beloved career. Disease, death and job loss all in a 3 yr time span. Bitter? Angry? Yes at times I am 

My family is my focus and when this all gets too much i think about all the great moments we've had in the last 3 yrs and looking forward to more and it gets me out if my funk. I know this is cliche but i count my blessings and relish every one

Thx for listening 

exbrnxgrl

Angelia,

You have nothing to be ashamed of. After all, the worst you know, is the worst you know. It's funny, I wouldn't say that my situation is a blessing nor is it a gift ((if so, can I return it?), but when I got to the point where I decided to live with my bc, and not die until I have to, my life became surprisingly good. Is that about attitude? Yes, it certainly is and that's how I've kept myself from feeling my life's been ruined. 

clarrn

I have had a few rough days lately.  A lady I worked with, who was diagnosed 2 months after me died this week,  and I have been crying non stop even though I barely knew her.  I think it just reminded me of what might await me.  So this thread struck home.   How do I go on when I feel pretty frozen with all the fears and SEs and pain? And then I remembered that first day this summer during chemo when I finally felt good enough to leave my couch, and my twin brother took me to the lake.  I sat on the dock, with the waves rhythmically hitting the shore,  and I couldn't stop the tears of gratitude.   Those chemo months were SO dark, but I made it back to my happy place for just a moment before the next round.   And that's what I cling to.   My life won't be the same,  and that SUCKS.  But I can hope that those good times become more frequent.  And I plan mini moments when those bad ones seem so overwhelming.  A latenight splurge of a pecan mudslide,  a glass of wine with a fabulous cheese, a walk on my own (with a 3 year old I need space at times!), a bowl of strawberries that I can finally taste.  So I guess that is how I keep from feeling that everything is ruined, and I know it won't work for everyone or every time.   And I definitely have pity parties but sometimes a little spoiling goes a long way for me.  ♡

Deblc

For me, I've found that time did make a difference with how I feel. And how I feel physically, definitely affects how I feel mentally. When I was first diagnosed and so sick from treatment, bald, with one boob, everyone who said to me "be positive", "count your blessings", "it could be worse", I wanted to grab by the neck and bang their head against the wall. Whenever anyone told me, "It will be OK, you just have to do treatment and then you will be fine", I felt they were trivializing everything I was going through, and wished they would get cancer so that they would know what it felt like !! Everyone who said "you can CHOOSE to be happy", I wanted to punch in the face. There were days I felt a physical pall as soon as I woke up, just a terrible feeling of dread that precipitated a crying jag. I lived in a state of depression for at least eight months.

I am now almost exactly one year out from diagnosis (have to do my mammogram, and have that feeling of dread again!!!!). I finished chemo and rads, and still on herceptin. Slowly feeling better physically, and that drastically affects how I feel mentally.

So what's different than four months ago when I first responded to this thread? The main thing I try to do now is NOT DWELL. Not dwell on all I've "lost", and how my life is worse than one year ago. Not dwell on the fear that I might have to go through this again. My biggest trauma is fear....not even fear of death, but fear of recurrence, fear of having to do treatment again, fear of pain and suffering, fear of always feeling like s**t, fear of how it will affect my family. Whenever the bad thoughts start, I try to do something PHYSICAL that requires my attention, so that it distracts me from those thoughts. I find that really helps, ...instead of lying on the couch reading about cancer and agonizing about my situation. In fact I try not to come on BCO so much any more, because that can be very depressing as I then get into the cycle of thinking about cancer all the time (even though it's a great means of support too).

I am an agnostic, so I was never one to pray. Yet now I DO practice some kind of prayer, affirmation, whatever you want to call it. It's all a form of meditation, and I do find the repetitiveness calms me down. I used to wake up thinking "I have cancer." Now, instead, my daily affirmation is "I am healthy, I am cured, everything is OK"

I also don't give other people the power to upset me. I am much more tolerant of people's comments and behavior ... I prefer to believe that they are just ignorant, and don't intentionally mean to upset me.

People who say you can "choose" to be happy and that "attitude is everything"? Now I understand a little better what they mean. We do have some measure of control of how we react to things, the story we tell ourselves in our head of what our life is like.

For me, it's all about really just trying to find a state of acceptance, of peace. 

mary625

I wish we had a "like" button.  These recent posts are really excellent.  

Lin1952

I agree with mary 625 :>) Excellent posts on this thread.  And Deblc, I can relate to everything in your post. Like you, I find that "doing" something physical helps me not to "dwell" on the what-if's. Also, like you, I visit BCO less frequently, because when I was reading here daily, I had a harder time chasing away the worrisome thoughts (simply because I was focusing on them so much). 

Nash54

tangandchris

I'm so thankful for these posts and this whole forum. Wonderful advice, experiences and understanding going on here. ((hugs))

Hopeful82014

Many thanks to all of you who reached out - Tuesday was a really dark day and you helped. Thank you. Between the onset of wet, dark weather (and SAD) plus some milestones coming up AND this stupid disease, I expect I will re-read some of those responses more than a few times. After so many years of picking up the pieces and holding our extended families together through a lot of ups and downs I'm really tapped out on resiliency. And having seen plenty of cancer first hand, it's really hard to keep my mind from going there and putting myself in some of those scenarios. I'm still in the process of developing the coping skills that one needs to get through this and I appreciate those of you who've allowed me the space to vent and offered help rather than platitudes.

Kay - I absolutely loved your comment about screen names - I think most people who know me best would have expected mine to be something like 'practical' or even 'stoic' - I'm the person you want around in an emergency, but not this time! Your comment did help me reach down and find a glimmer. Bless you. 

Deb in Jamaica - I really liked your affirmation and have borrowed it for my own use along with a few I had cobbled together with somewhat less than glowing satisfaction. And I make a point of directing some good energy to you when using it. 

I'm staying off the board more (except to check on friends and research) to give my emotions some down time. It does me a world of good, however, to know that there are so many helpful, compassionate women here. Thank you form the bottom of my heart.

Deblc

Hopeful, glad I was able to help, and also that you will be sending good energy my way!

I just want to add: as I said, I used to get so mad at what I call the Platitude/Positivity Police. But surprisingly, I now believe a lot those platitudes are true, and offering them are people's way of helping. When exbrnxgrl says that a positive attitude is key to her mental well-being, I understand where she is coming from. Before, I could not let go of the anger/ fear etcetera and wanted other people to UNDERSTAND and not to trivialize what I was going through by saying things like "be more positive" . My attitude was, how the hell can I be positive when I have cut off a boob, am sick from chemo, might die of this disease etc. What is positive about all this &!*#! ???????

Nowadays, I DO try have a more positive attitude, simply because it does makes me feel better to focus on the good things in my life, rather than the bad.

Nash54

hopeful...sending ((hugs)). Do keep us posted.  I think about every lady I read about on these boards and wonder how they are doing.  I'm looking forward to the day I can get past this and encourage others.  

Hopeful82014

Thank you, Nash. I'm looking forward to that, too. Unfortunately, right now it's hard to even look at the titles of some of those fora. I'm just glad that there were women far enough along that they could extend that helping hand and virtual shoulder to cry on when I first came here.

exbrnxgrl

debic,

Thanks! I hope no one thought I said never be angry, sad, etc, Just that, eventually, in ones own time, you choose to make peace and find happiness, or you remain miserable and angry. Having bc is nothing to be happy and positive about, but all the anger in the world won't change it. So, how do you choose to spend your life, be it a long one or much shorter than you planned?

Caryn

Hopeful82014

I think the point is, ex, that most of us know about choosing our responses to life's ugly curve balls. No one needs to tell us that we have a choice in how we respond. HOWEVER - being lectured about that before one's had a chance to explore the grief, anger, dismay, whatever is NOT healthy, and I think that's what many of us have experienced.

I think many of you 'old timers' (and I use that phrase with all due respect) need to cut some of us neophytes some slack. Go ahead and roll your eyes and say to yourselves that we really need to get over ourselves - or whatever it is you're thinking. However, PLEASE don't insult us by thinking that just because we're new to breast cancer we're emotional adolescents. That's not the case and it just adds to the burden.

And no, this isn't the first time I've faced a life-threatening health situation. The difference is that last I got lucky. So yes, I do know about making choices about how I view my life and how I spend my days, however many they may be. I would bet that I'm not the only one here who could say the same thing. 

And now, I have a workout to do so I will wish you all a good evening and a great Hallowe'en tomorrow.

Deblc

I understand what you mean Caryn, but as I said, sometimes you are so far down the hole, you cannot envision the light, and you are pissed off at the "rainbows and butterflies" people who don't seem to understand that. It's a process for sure.

exbrnxgrl

"Go ahead and roll your eyes and say to yourselves that we really need to get over ourselves - or whatever it is you're thinking. However, PLEASE don't insult us by thinking that just because we're new to breast cancer we're emotional adolescents. That's not the case and it just adds to the burden."

Hopeful,

I am not rolling my eyes at anyone, nor do I believe I have insulted anyone. Furthermore, I can't even fathom why you would think I regard anyone on this site as an emotional adolescent.  I am baffled as to why you have interpreted my comments that way.  You don't know me, yet you seem to be making a lot of assumptions about who I am and what my intentions are. So as not to add to your burden, may I suggest the block feature so you no longer have to read my comments. I sincerely wish you well and hope that you can find some peace and happiness as you deal with bc.

Caryn

PS: perhaps you are forgetting that most of us "old timers" remember the early days all too well. I would venture to guess that none of us are rolling our eyes. If we were, we wouldn't continue to be active on bco.

TB90

Great discussion and it really hit home with me too.  I am almost one year out of my initial dx and still have the overwhelming feelings hit me out of the blue.  I do try to stay off of these boards now as much as possible as I no longer wish to live and breath breast cancer (hard to do during October though).  I do find so much relevant and accurate information here that I am drawn back, but really careful about what I read.  I also want to give back support, particularly to new comers with similar dx or issues to mine.  This is a process and those with more experience can provide support, but cannot and should not even attempt to prevent others from going through this process.  Everyone deserves the "luxury" of getting there on their own terms and conditions and cannot skip through stages or steps on others' experience.  But experience can and does provide reassurance, support and hope.  Too often some of the oldies come across as patronizing and judgmental.  I certainly do not believe that this is intentional.  It is just like the parent hoping their child can avoid some of the pain they experienced.  But history has shown us again and again that we must do some things on our own, in our own time and on our own terms.  ((((((hugs to all))))))      

Deblc

My other two cents: the question was "How do you keep from feeling your life..has been ruined..and any strategies that have worked for you"

I think everybody here has in all good faith tried to answer this question, based on their own experience. I really don't think anyone has been judgmental or tried to stop anybody else from going through their own process. My perception is that we are all just trying to encourage others, saying what worked for US. Which of course, might not work for anybody else. I mean, people might read what I wrote and think "what a load of poo".

I know feelings are very raw with this damn disease (as I keep saying, I wanted to punch people for what they said sometimes) and we might take something the wrong way that wasn't intended to be mean spirited. But I value so much the input of the "old timers", who I think for the most part, stay on the boards to try and encourage us newbies.

(Btw there are 5-year+,10-year+, Success Stories threads on here that I bookmark in my favorite topics. That's what I mean about old timers coming back to encourage us. Very uplifting, I highly recommend! )

exbrnxgrl

debic,

 

TB90

Just to clarify:  I was simply attempting to help Hopeful understand how she may feel that others are rolling their eyes.  I was NOT suggesting that others are judgmental, thus my statement that I am certain no one intends to do that.  My statements were meant to identify with what Hopeful is experiencing, from her position.  I actually thought that I was defending everyone's position and how things can be misunderstood or taken incorrectly.  This is just one more example of that!  But we all need to recognize that we are all coming from a unique place and supporting each other, no matter how different, should come before the advise.  I think a lot of feelings do get hurt here because we want to share our own experiences so badly, and our gained wisdom and insights, that our timing is off.  And I am talking here in generalities about the difference time and experience can make.  Everyone is just trying their best. 

exbrnxgrl

TB90,

I appreciate your explanation and understand things are easy to misinterpret on line. However you made a flat out declarative statement:

"Too often some of the oldies come across as patronizing and judgmental." 

You did follow it up with a sentence explaining that you didn't think it was intentional and again, I appreciate that, but in your zeal to help someone else understand, you threw us "oldies" under the bus. If you had said something like "They may seem to be, appear to be, etc." that would have been far different. Again, I understand that your intent was not to insult, but it sure read that way. May I add that one way to feel like your life hasn't been ruined, is to develop resilience, and resilient I certainly am.

Caryn

Hopeful82014

Thanks to each of you who reached out in a spirit of compassion and helpfulness. I really do appreciate it and am glad that there are women such as yourselves in this world and on this board.

nursiellp

I came tonight looking for a very specific topic and found you guys.  I love spunky women and I could use a little now.  I am truly a newbie having been diagnosed last month with IDC.  I am having a MX next month with reconstruction.  I don't even have a clue what kind of treatment I will need.  Hope it's just Tamoxifen.  I'm just having a really bad couple of days and was wondering, did anybody think at the very beginning that they didn't want any treatment at all?  Yes, I am already on every anti-depressant known to man as I have quite a long history but, this is different.  It didn't come as a shock at all that I had cancer.  I just knew it.  Now I'm thinking about all the other stuff, mainly that I have no income at all and no prospect of getting a job because of the upcoming surgery...I won't even bring up finding me a man!  lol.  It's not like I won't have the surgery and I know I can't just turn my back on it like it will all go away, but I keep going back to the same thought. Should I even bother with the mastectomy? 

I'm not asking for the answer to that question.  I was just wondering if this went through anybody's mind. 

maryland

Nursiellp, I was dx last February, It did go thru my mind much in the initial stages, I thought maybe just a lumpectomy and then let nature take it's course. I ended up with chemo 1st... thought long and hard about quitting tx along the way. I'm getting toward the end of rads and having some complications and I just want to give up and hope for the best. But.... I was blessed with a granddaughter 1 month before dx. I really want to watch her grow up...and I want her to know me and be able to remember me. I don't know your situation but if there is one thing you really want try and make that your goal and your reason. At least that has been the answer for me. Good luck, wishing you the  best...Genny

Hopeful82014

Nursie, yes, I felt that way early on. I was really concerned about potential side effects of the ALND that I was told would be necessary and all the restrictions I'd be facing in using that arm for the rest of my life. I was also very concerned about long-term damage from radiation and chemo, particularly since I already have some nerve damage and vision issues. I felt as though while I would survive, it would be as a shell of myself, unable to freely enjoy many of the activities that matter most to me. I felt as though if I can't have quality of life - and I mean REAL quality, then why bother? Why go through all the pain, expense and misery just to survive, rather than live?

So no, you're not the only one - I suspect there are a lot of us who go through that but because the world's so busy telling us to be 'warriors' we don't feel free to talk about it, even with each other. 

I spent a LOT of time on the issues of side effects with my various MDs and really hashed things out. I made a last-minute change of surgeons as well. At this point I feel o.k. about things, although we'll see how I feel after some of my follow-up tests come back in a couple of weeks. 

Your cancer is still pretty small and you have time to think about what works for you and get your mind around this, as well as to seek out resources. They (resources) ARE out there but can take some finding. 

Don't just take what you're told as gospel truth, either. Ask as many questions as you need to and don't let them gloss over anything. Stop them and tell them you need to better understand what they just told you. Ask WHY questions and dig into the details. By doing so you not only protect yourself but you will feel stronger and more in control of that relationship, which will help stave off depression and despair. 

See if you can find a support group as well. They're usually free and can be a great help. Ask your medical team for information - they should be able to point you quickly in the right direction.

I feel for your situation - being out of work and not in a relationship is hard, even without cancer. I hope you have family nearby who can help see you through this. And all of us are here for each other.

nursiellp

I'm better today.  I think what was getting to me was the total loss of control.  My BS told me to get into my PS earlier.  My PS said next week or defiantly the following one.  The office then calls back with a Dec. 10th date.  I about lost my mind.  After 3 days they called back today and said they could do it next Wednesday.  Such a relief.  I think saying "I'm not going to do it" was my minds way of just trying to get some control back. I feel like a moved mountain just to get the date changed! lol  Silly, I know but, whatever blows your skirt up, right?!

nursiellp

I want to thank everyone here.  I am feeling much better today.  The BS wanted me to see the PS  sooner.  The PS said next week or definitely the following and the office called back with a Dec. 10th date.  I about lost my mind and felt totally out of control.  I think saying "I just won't do it" was my minds way of saying "I'm paying you guys to do this, so do it and stop jerking me around".  Well, after a little "gentle" persuasion, I got a phone call today re: my Nov. 12th surgery.  Well, golly gee, it does seem that they could fit me in sooner!  I guess it does help being a nurse that knows both docs. from working at the hospital years ago.  I wonder if these Docs know what they got themselves into.  lol   No, really.  I know logistics is a bear but it just hit me the wrong way.  Today I will celebrate my one little triumph!  Thanks all.

tangandchris

I remember spending a few days after dx thinking, what if I just pretend that none of this is happening and go on with my life w/o surgery or tx. I honestly considered that lol! I had a real hard time grasping the reality that I had cancer, there are still times now a year later that I can't believe I really had cancer! So I figured that if I just kept going about life and let things happen naturally then so be it.

Of course I didn't do that after I thought about my kids and dh and all that stuff. I guess I'm just adding my 2 cents to say it is probably more common to think this way than we know.

((hugs))