I feel like I am lying

it is your choice when to tell people. I totally understand not talking to your children or anyone else until you have a firm treatment plan.

I was so sick everyone around me knew pretty soon, looking back I wished we would have been able to discreetly tell who we wanted. So many people are negative and have stories of family members who fought hard and died. You don't need that now. You need encouragement. You will figure out who you want to know. Give yourself a little time.

lil, we have a similar dx and tx. You will see that being in tx and chemo is hard to hide. It takes much energy to even put on a cheery face. This is a huge health crisis you are in and it will be all consuming. Kids....I have none, but I am sure yours will know you are sick. I think it best to be honest with them, they are at an age to handle it. You have a good prognosis, right? So it will be a year or more of treatments, surgery, etc. and then moving on to a new normal. It may be more comforting for them if they know that and that they can help mom during. Kids really are amazing and resilient. Please do not put pressure onto yourself by having to maintain a false front with them. Maybe wait till after the holidays is all and when you have your full tx plan in place.

Also, you will not give a flying fig about the gossipy ladies with no lives at your kids school soon. And they too will know or suspect, and are going to dither on anyways. Some may surprise you in a good way.People are going to amaze you with their reactions-good, bad and ugly! Just remember that you cannot control others and that your job is to take care of YOU.

My first impulse was just like yours by the way....it is normal to want to keep your health private. You can keep it secret for only so long though to anyone that will be seeing you in person.

I just finished chemo, feeling good, and do surgery soon. If you have any questions about chemo pm me or post, I am happy to share. Do you know what chemo you are getting?

Hugs!

You are not lying in the least. You have to be comfortable about if and when to tell people about your bc. If you do become comfortable telling people, you may find that two things happen. One being that many people will be supportive and very willing to help i.e. Child care and transportation, meals. I don't think I had to cook for months after my dx! The second thing is that when you divulge your condition, you control the information. I was very open about my situation, which pretty much put an end to any gossip and speculative rumors. Still, there may be some who talk behind your back. Ignore them. That is there problem and you can't control others. In the end you must do what you're comfortable with, in your own time. Take care.

My GS#1 was 7 when I lost my hair. He asked why. I told him I was sick, and had to take special medicine that made my hair fall out. But that Nana would have hair soon.

That was enough for him.

Hi Lillp,

I believe there are some good books for children, when you decide to tell them. Non-threatening and clear picture books. It may seem too elementary for your 11-year-old, but I think she might appreciate it too. I second the sister on here with the story of herself as a child worrying about what she did not know. It sounds like you have a good plan to tell the children.

Just wanted to add my two cents to your situation with the gossipy mothers. Don't forget -- no matter what your treatment plan is -- you do not have to tell anyone anything. Are you British? I thought you might be, from the word 'mum' in your post. I think you Brits are great at deflecting nosy people with a quick word or two

I didn't tell anyone at work anything. I just decided to start there, not knowing what I would do. I didn't have chemo, but I have had many obvious things. For example, I once had 34DDD breasts, and then I walked into work with no breasts, completely flat, no foobs, and did not say anything.

It felt so good to keep it out of the workplace that I just stuck with it. I have never regretted it. I did not even tell colleagues to whom I feel close. I just did not want the drama. I felt I needed quiet space to keep going.

Don't forget -- you are welcome to tell anyone you want, of course -- exbrnx girl is right. People will want to help, and that can be great -- AND you are also welcome to not talk about it with some other people. You are in charge!

Hi

I am sorry you find yourself here-- but you will get lots of help. My kids were 12 and 7 when I was dx'ed so I can relate. We told them what they needed to know when they needed to know it. We told them I had a lump that was cancerous and I was going to have it removed. We then told them that we had to wait to hear from the dr. about treatment. They both had had classmates with cancer so they kind of knew what the possibilities might be. When we decided on chemo, we told them-- but truth be told, I worked throughout, got a great wig-- and generally did not talk about it outside the house (except for my close friends and bc network) The kids take their cues from you and from the very beginning they saw this as a problem that had a solution... never did they think I was going to die (nor did I ).... we kept them on their schedules of school, activities, etc.

The harder part is other people who think it is their right to know. Everyone has to do what works for them-- but I can tell you that no parent at my kids schools knew anything..... one of the challenges of telling lots of people is that you have to talk about it alot or know that they are gossipping as you mentioned. The up side is that people can be really helpful. One of my book club buddies was having an mx around the same time--people brought her dinner, etc. People can be very kind... you have to decide what YOU need.

I did not tell alot of people, only people who could be helpful to me..... many of my colleagues did not know until I was long out of treatment. That worked for me, may not for you. But it is important to know that no one has a "right" to know this other than you and your immediate family. People walk the earth with all sorts of medical issues that we don't know a thing about. You have that same right to keep it to yourself. Or share it with everyone you know or something in between..... But you get to decide and if you decide to say nothing, that is ok too....

There were some people in my life who "knew" something was up and most decided that if I wanted them to know, I would tell them so they did not pry. There were a couple who were just way too nosy--- pissed me off.... so I never told them, ever......

gotta do what works for you. Just remember, you cannot "untell" someone-so during this difficulty period when you are not sure what to do, perhaps doing nothing until you have your plan is a way to go.

Once we had a plan, if we shared it was just " had a lumpectomy, going to have some treatment, and all will be fine".....

good luck

Hi Lillp - I have a similar diagnosis as you and my child was 8 when I was diagnosed. Believe it or not I never shared my diagnosis. I only shared I was having surgery to remove some bad tissue.  I was offered chemo, as I was young at diagnosis and with a T2, but with my Onco type, and no lymph node involvement,  I chose not to have it.

I elected not to tell my child as I had surgery and radiation only. She had no idea about the daily radiation treatments as that has no tell tale signs. If I had elected chemo , then I would have told age appropriate information. Such as I am having treatment to make me better. I may look funny for awhile as I'll lose my hair, but that means the medicine is working well.  When my child is old enough, I will share my cancer history to ensure proper screening. I feel strongly children don't need adult worries and this approach worked for us.

Good luck with how you elect to handle this. The advice shared is all good. It really comes down to personal decision. I recall my Oncologist shared that children take their queues from us as adults. So if we are strong and don't show worry, hopefully they wont take worry on themselves. I really wanted my child to keep her childhood and not take on my worries. This was just our approach. You'll chose what works for you and I wish you success with all  of your treatments . Let us know how you get on.