Starting Chemo in December 2013

love you all....thank you for being in my pocket today.

post from my facebook page I thought I would share

Hiding from Cancer-

My battle with cancer always reminds me of Harry Potter. Cancer is like voldermort and you do not think of it or it gains power. I find myself basically hiding away from Cancer as much as I can. But, time is ticking..and I must go back soon...

It seems like yesterday I left MD with the NED report. Praying that report stays the same. However, so much has happened since the beginning of October. We lost Amy, and I have met or have known four others who are now fighting Breast cancer. It seems my personal facebook is full of prayer request for Cancer reasons. There is no escape. I will never get off this team.

People always have told me that they knew I wasn't feeling well when I was quiet. Seriously, my whole life I have been like this. So, I noticed how quiet I have been about my fight lately and it is because I am not well. This isn't a physical illness but a mental one. I am having a hard time wrapping my brain around the last year. My motto of "just keep

Swimming" worked- I got through it. But now seems harder because I am not actively fighting (besides my daily pill I take). So I avoid-

I avoid:

- medical smells like rubbing alcohol

- the hall bathroom at school because there is a "beep" in there that is exactly like the ending beep of chemo,

- calling Pilots for Patients for my January trip because I haven't flown since I had chemo. Contacting them brings me back- although I must do this lol! This week!

- wearing my hair short because all I see is Cancer there.

- making any vacation plans with the kids because I am scared I'll have to cancel them.

Hiding is not good. I wish I could hide away from all of this, but that is not an option. I just wanted to put this out there in case anyone else feels like I do. It is time for me to come back out and fight again. I had my break, but honestly I did better as a fighter than a survivor. I'll just keep that title in my head because even if you are NED you still are fighting cancer's memory or taunting everyday. Come out and fight now.

Michelle, I love your post!

Michelle, you've been in my thoughts all day. Hoping for the best

Char, good to hear from you. We are here for everything, ups and downs.

Jodi, thanks for expressing what we all think. You look great...that great hair!

My iPad keeps freezing up and I loose everything I've typed, has happened so many times so will post this quickly with this picture that I've also put on the hair thread. Keepthefaith- here's my recent hair collage pics. It's good to see how far I've come. First is 7 wks post and top R is today. Bottom R is old from 2001 but my style is almost like that. Keep it gray? I think so or I'll be coloring every 3-4 wks

t

Warning. PUI. (posting under the influence) I had my lat flap and exchange at noon. Home by 6 pm. ..my drycleaner should do so good! I came home with a pain ball. It continually delivers a lidocaine agent to my spine and along my ribs in the back I'm completely numb there and have no pain on either incision. I do have pain,however, in my left arm ...I'm sure that arm was manipulated quite a bit and pulled on. I've been dealing with quite a bit of stiffness and cording since my last fill after radiation so that arm is quite painful. I requested pain meds in recovery and later even took a Percocet just to manage that pain.

This paintball is freaking amazing. they sedated me in pre op and the anesthesiologist placed a small catheter in my back under an ultrasound guide. I have zero pain and I will keep it for 3 to 5 days. Once it's empty I will remove it myself it's like this thread under the skin:

Hi ladies - I have been reading posts on my tablet, but hate typing on it. My son has hijacked my laptop in the evenings to work on school work..... so he says. Anyway grabbed it this morning.

Holli & Mikesgirl- Chemo brain - great post. Decorated the xmas tree last night and my daughter says, "Are you going to put your ornament up that I got you last year." Luckily I saw the box, I didn't have the heart to tell her that I didn't remember receiving it. My memory is horrible, this is very frustrating for me.

Drank and ate way too much over Thanksgiving. Had my colonoscopy that following Monday. I had this picture in my mind, my getting knocked out for the procedure, my waking up with my husband and doctor in the room. My husband having tears in his eyes and the doctor telling me that I have colon cancer.... This was not the case, I was never knocked out completely, and my colonoscopy was clear. Our minds can be our worst enemy. I too am trying to enjoy my life to the fullest in between tests.

Michelle - I have been praying for you. I just had tea with a group of breast cancer survivors. These ladies are older than us, some have fought this more than once, but are still here today. There was a younger lady in attendance who is BRCA positive who has battled this several times. She highly recommended a drug that she is taking and is cancer free today. I need to find out the name of the drug and will pass this on to you ladies. I thought that I would remember the drug....but not with this chemo brain.

Lisa - Your hair looks great. I will be keeping you in my prayers. So many of us have had some type of lung issue from either the chemo or rads. I blame it on the rads.

Oranje - I was accepted into an exercise program for cancer and former cancer patients. I start in a couple of weeks, I will have a personal trainer 2x a week for a few months. I am looking forward to this. I am so glad to hear that you are swimming again.

Robin & Barbara - So glad to hear that your scans are clear. Robin sorry for the loss of your friend....every loss to this friggin disease is heartbreaking.

jbok - ouch! Glad they are giving you good drugs. Hoping you have a speedy recovery.

I need to get off the computer and get to work. Hugs to you all.

Kim

Thinking of you Michelle

Kim- LOVE the ornament. How does it make you feel to hang it up this year?

Lisa- love the hair progression photos. You look amazing at every stage.

Jodi - don't stop girl... Just keep swimming. You may been closer to the end of the physical healing but the emotional healing is just beginning. I think we fight so hard physically that everything else is on the back burner.

Jbokland - I had an "on cue ball" with my DIEP last November. Was cut hip to hip and the abdominal pain was minor. Much less then my C-Sections. They are awesome.

So... No endometrial cancer. Yea!!

Are y'all still having pain? Mine my be from weaning off the steroids, but my shoulder and neck and arm (the side they took all the nodes) hurts so bad. I go to PT twice a week. I hope once my my surgeries are done the pain will go away.

Anyone have a hysterectomy? I'm scheduled for February. But my hubby and I were looking for pictures of female anatomy before and after hysterectomy, we came across a YouTube video that scared the &@$* out of us. About how removing the uterus basically causes everything to cave in- spine, bladder, bowels. Oh my!!

Michele, so hard to wait those few days for the biopsy results.thank God for friends both in person and in the ether of the web. Keep chanting.

It will be normal, It will be normal , It will be normal

Oranje big congratulations for finishing out the year of herceptin. Wishes for your Mom's recovery. Will you be able to go see her?

JB awsome the pain all and being so comfortable except for your arm, heal fast

Kim, love the Christmas ornament. How nice of your daughter to have gotten it for you. Yah, I get you about chemo brain. I am getting really good at making lists. Discovered SIRI on my iphone is great. Just dictate a note to myself. Of course I often forget to look at the notes.

Holli, great news on the endometrial biopsy results. Are they going to do the hysterectomy robotically or laparoscopic surgery. Recover is really quick that way. I get periods of pain in my lumpectomy site still, off and on. Also pain in the muscle along the from of my armpit when I really stretch it. I keep massaging the edge of the muscle there and stretching but it is still much more firm then the other side.

Robin. Glad you have never "caved in". LOL.

Everyone have a great weekend, I guess I do not have an excuse this year to not Christmas shop.

I scroll up and down on the iPad... Could not remember it all otherwise.

I forget, Robbin, did you get a new puppy? My son just got a new Great Dane puppy, 8 weeks old and already 23 lbs. he lost his GD a year ago.

NO CANCER!!!!! I feel like I can breathe again.....nothing worse than the fear of the doctor saying that from what he is seeing it appears there is a recurrence ......glad i could prove them wrong!! First time I actually said out loud that I was scared. I couldn't imagine going through chemo again but knew if i had to i would. I am heading back to Mayo on Monday to get my new right boob deflated and then inflated with saline in the expander....taking one of my best friends with me so we will make it a fun trip!

Thank you everybody for all your prayers and for hanging out in my pocket all week.....love you all.

Michelle

Michelle, great news, and it brought a big smile to my face today as I sure it did to yours. It is so feeking scary to get each and every test done. It wa great of your doc to let you know the results on a Saturday

Keepthefaith. A lot of truth in that poem.

Just not feeling much of the holiday spirit this year. With my husband in the nursing home now I will be home alone for the holidays. Weather permitting I may try to drive to New Hampshire to visit my older son. The younger one, in the SF Bay Area was here 3 weeks ago and so he will not be back. At least I did a lot of shopping on line the past week so gifts are all done including several form myself.

Michelle!!!!!! Whoop whoop!!!! So so happy!

Want a laugh? I officially have an Afro ladies! I'm thinking about not wearing my wig to school soon and just wear some of LuLu's headpieces/bow bands to make the students laugh! I'll post pics soon lol

Aw Lisa-so sorry to hear. Whatever happens, be true to yourselves. Relationships that are not nourishing are too depleting of your spirit.

Jodi - Regarding your very curly hair. My friend who is now a 6 year cancer survivor, had really tight afro curls when her hair was short. She ended up having to go to a hair salon for black people to get help with straightening it and learning how to work with it. Her hair is now straight, so this was a short term issue. Good luck, you always look pretty!

Oranje - I don't know if I said congrats..... So congrats on finishing up treatment. What a flipping long road for you ladies who had to have the Herceptin infusions.

Holli - My bc santa ornament ..... Santa is cute, but he is not my healer. Jesus is the reason for the season. I am praying and trying to get my kids to understand that.

Keep the faith - Great poem, thanks for sharing.

Barbara - I live near the bay area. If you ever get to CA, contact me. I hope that the weather is good so that you are able to get out of the house and go to New Hampshire to visit your son.

Robin - I agree that we should do a new collage, with our new hair, since we were all losing it last December.

Lisa - We are in your pocket.... Praying for a clear mammo. Regarding marriage, I have been married for 30 years this April and can tell you that it is not a walk in the park. I think that Eric and I are just so darn stubborn, that we have kept this marriage going for so many years. I agree with Jbok's post about the importance of being in a nourishing relationship, it is so depleting to be with someone with a lot of issues and who doesn't want to work on them.

I am sorry to see Kathy leave our group. I wish her well. I do not see this board as a reminder of cancer, I see this board as a group of ladies who have battled cancer together. We keep in touch, just as any friends try to stay in contact. We are here for each other through the ups and downs of life. Have a great day ladies....

Kim