How have friendships changed for you?

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agatha6
agatha6 Member Posts: 22
edited November 2014 in Stage II Breast Cancer

I am wondering how relationships with friends and family have changed for everyone during and after treatment and how you move forward after treatment with friendships. I find myself not wanting to pursue relationships as much with those who were less supportive. Especially those whom I wanted support from, but they never came through. Then I wonder if I am being reasonable to expect someone to be there for me, during something so difficult, maybe they don't have the capacity? Or am I making excuses for them, maybe they weren't who I thought they were. 

I also made new friends! I am thankful for that! Some people I didn't know well really came out of the woodwork! The people who were there for the long haul were those I didn't expect. I am thankful for my new perspective. I want to move forward with healthy relationships. 

Advice?

Agatha

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  • ml143333
    ml143333 Member Posts: 658
    edited November 2014

    Since I have been on this Breast Cancer journey, I have found out who my true friends really are.  I have had lifelong friends that just couldn't handle the cancer diagnosis.  I think that people in that category just don't know what to say or do so they do/say nothing at all.  I'm betting they are uncomfortable and just don't know how to relate to me any more.  I try not to take it personally, but sometimes I just can't help it.  I am still friends with them, I just don't pursue the friendship as much as I do others.

    I am also the first person in my group of friends to have cancer so I guess I am the front runner.  It is all uncharted territory for me, my family and my friends.  I don't make light of my diagnosis, but I try and be open and honest with everyone that asks.  I don't usually bring it up unless someone asks.  With some friends, it is the elephant in the room and with others, they ask their questions, I answer and all is good.  I just try and go with the flow.  I find that I keep to myself more and people seem to come to me.  I don't isolate myself from friends, but I have found that inner-core of friends that I know love me no matter what.  I don't ignore the other friends, but the friendship is different.

    There have also been lifelong friends that have been very supportive and also try and understand the journey.  They may not know the right thing to say or do and neither do I, but they don't shy away from me or my cancer.  They ask how I am doing and then we go on with our day.  I also know that if I want to, I can talk with them.  They may not understand, but they try.

    I have also had friends that I haven't kept up with as much but found out and have turned out to be the most supportive of all!

    It is amazing the amount of support I have received and I am in awe.  I never knew I was loved as much as I am. 

    I think the hardest thing for me is the family members that have just kind of fallen away.  I guess they just don't know what to say or do so they just fall away.  Maybe they are having a hard time coming to grips with the fact that I have Breast Cancer and they are afraid.  I get that - really but all they have to do is talk with me.  Tell me what they are feeling and we could get through it together.  I find that I comfort more people than I ever thought.


     

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  • NatsFan
    NatsFan Member Posts: 3,745
    edited November 2014

    I'm almost 7 years out now, so I have some years of perspective on this.  Right after dx and during my chemo and surgeries, there were some people I'd hoped would be there for me, but were not.  In most cases, those people are no longer in my life - not that there was any big break or drama, but over the years I've just let them slip away and didn't make the effort to reconnect.  

    But in a few cases, even people who were not there for me are still in my life as they were dealing with their own life issues during that time.  For instance, one was dealing with a dying father, and the other had sunk into a severe clinical depression.  They were not there for me in my time of need, but at the same time I wasn't there for them at their time of need.  We both get it, and our friendships endure.

    I'm pretty much the same way with family members.  Some stepped up to the plate and were wonderful, and others drew away.  I don't spend as much energy any more on those who stayed away.  Again, no big break or drama.  At family get togethers I'm cordial to those who were not there for me, and everyone gets a holiday card.  But I make the time to spend with those who were there for me, and I try to be there for them as they go through their challenges.

    I have a newfound appreciation for old friends who were there for me, and like you, I've also made some new wonderful friends who I treasure.

    It's OK to allow relationships to lapse if they've run their course.  My guess is that many of the old friendships would have lapsed anyway over time, but that b/c sped that process up a little.  I find that I want positive loving people in my life.  I tend to avoid negative people and drama kings and queen, as I have neither the time nor patience to deal with them and their continual "issues".  I agree wholeheartedly with your instinct to move forward with the healthy relationships in your life and minimize or eliminate the negative ones.   

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