The end is near...
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hmphillips
Member Posts: 20
My mother has had breast cancer since 1997. In 2002 it came back as stage IV in her bones. In 2005 it showed up in her lymphnodes of her chest. Now it is in her liver and she decided to not go through any more chemo. She said that the quality of life meant more to her. And the doctor said that there was only a 30% chance the chemo would work anyway. Hospice is helping me take care of her. They are really wonderful people. I am having a really hard time tonight. We have been on vacation for the past few days and came home yesterday. On the way home she said that would be her last trip. I am having a real hard time but have to act like I am superwoman to everyone else. I am looking for a support group now. I woke up at 2 am and it was like running into a wall. It all just came rushing in. The reality of it all was just a little hard for me to take. I sqwauled for about a hour then played canasto online and then came here. I just don't know what to do. I am a only child and jjust don't know what to do. I don't know if I can do this. They say she only has a few months to live. I just can't help but feeling so helpless.
Helen
Helen
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Hi Helen. I am so sorry. Knowing your mom is leaving is hard. There's nothing easy about it, and all those feelings will be felt, and those tears can be healing for you. How is your mom doing? If she is accepting of her situation, that is a blessing. Hospice can help you. They should have support services. I'm glad you are looking for that--you have to take care of yourself as well as your mom.
It is a gift to be able to help your mom at this time. My sisters and brothers got to help parents and in-laws in their end of life, and it was a blessing to them.
No one really knows how much time we have. We just have to do the best with now. Try to enjoy and treasure the moments you have with your mom.
I don't know if this helps, but you are not alone.
Take care,
--Hattie -
Hi Helen,
i know what you are going through, it's very hard. my mom has mets too. it's a hard time for both of us.
i'm just praying for you too..... -
I think looking for a support group is a good idea.
You want to be the best daughter you can be, but you can't ignore your own life and children. My husband is an only child, and it has its plus and minus points when it comes to your aging parents.
My thoughts are with you. -
I'm so sorry Helen. I think it's good that you are reaching out for help. None of us can do it on our own. This is a great place w/ LOTS and lots of caring, supportive people. And I'm sure there are some that have been in your shoes. My husband lost his dad last December to Leukemia. It was tough going thru the dying process w/ him and remains tough even now. Don't keep all those tears in..they are what help you to cope and heal. I hope that we can all help you thru this very difficult unfair journey. Hugs to you. You are in my prayers. Michelle
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Helen, Cyber hugs being sent your way. I am so sorry you and your Mom are going through this.
Be sure to tell your Mom how much you love her and share with her your feelings. Allow her to share her feelings and thoughts as well (she definitely did when she said it was her last trip).
This can be a time when you can become even closer to your Mom and when the time comes it WILL NOT BE EASY but you will have precious memories that no one will be able to take away from you.
Cry your tears, they are a release and can be healing. Come to this site and express yourself in whatever way you feel like in the moment.
I do hope you are able to find a support group in addition to many of us on this site.
It "ain't easy" but you can do it with a little help from your friends.
Gentle hugs,
suzie -
(((Helen))) Please come here to "talk" when you need to. During the same week in March of this year I was dx'd with BC and my mom was dx'd with lymphoma. We live in 2 different states and I was unable to be with her the first few months due to my own treatment. I was finally able to get down to her in July. The lymphoma & chemo had destroyed her and Mom said she "wanted no more". She apologized to me, because she felt she was letting me down. I cared for her in her home where she wanted to be, with the wonderful help of hospice. I buried Mom 3 weeks ago. It was the hardest thing I have ever done and it is still very hard, but I would not have changed a thing. Please remember that hospice is there for YOU too. They deal with all the aspects of dying and grieving, not just the physical. Hospice can provide emotional and spiritual support,a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen. And they are available 24/7. Call them when you need them and remember we are here for you too. My thoughts are with you.
Barb -
Helen,
You are right this is hard,very hard.
I am so sorry you, and Mom must go through this.
I agree with Barb, when I called hospice it was the best thing for my Grandma who raised me and my sisters.
They helped us all go through the process,and they kept my grandma out of pain . I would not want to have to do that
ever again ,but I would not trade the time with her for anything in the world, it was an blessing to be able to take care of her at home. All the feelings you are feeling are very normal anger, fear, grief all of it.
You are not alone sweetie, come back we will help .
hugs,
Carrie -
Hi Helen,
I am new to this site, I read your note about your mom and
I just want to tell you that my prayers are with you and your family. I lost my mom in February to a long illness, I know this is a hard time for you. Try to keep your chin up.
I'll say a SPECIAL prayer for you tonight.
lavada -
(((((Helen)))))
I have no words of widsom, but wanted to tell you how sorry I am. This sucks. We're all here for you whenever you need us. Hugs to your Mom!
Peggy
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Helen, i'm new to these boards too. I am so sorry you are going through this. I know how you feel. We took care of my husband's uncle that raised him. Hospice was so wonderful. They really make them as comfortable as they can and every nurse we had were blessings to us. I pray you have that kind of help too. My mom is 70 and has mets to liver and lung. She is going to start chemo next week and i'm scared. I know it's hard watching your mom; i'm sure she's glad you are by her side. You are a good daughter and i know a lovely lovely person to help your precious mother. I pray you have a good friend to help you get through this time. Take care of yourself too. Dianne
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I am so sorry. I will say a prayer for you and your mom. Spend this time she has left with her. Ask her questions, get her to tell you her life story very detailed. Ask her to give you all the advice that she has. Again, I am sorry.
Shannon -
I am sorry to hear that such a terrible thing has come to pass. You two will be in my thoughts tonight. To hear that you have to go through such a thing at your age--I am truly sorry to hear it. However, I want you to know you aren't alone. We will support you. And as Ms. Shannon suggested, you should spend time with her. Be there for her. It's tough, losing a parent, but just remember. She's still here. Cherish that fact until the end. Hugs to you and your mom. Later hon.
~Katie~ -
I am sorry to hear about your mother. Another friend was recently diagnosed with liver cancer and is taking Avastin. He said it is not chemo, so no nausea, hair loss etc. It is supposed to kill the tumor by stopping the blood supply.
Catherine -
(((((((((((( Helen ))))))))))))))))
So sorry you are having to deal with this. I too was an only child and when my father went mets from prostrate cancer, I found it necessary to leave my DH and son and move in and take care of him for his last 11 months.
I saw the ugliness of this diesease close up and personal. I spent over 1 year having nightmares from the 11 months I was totally helpless. I certainly wish I had words of wisdom or words of comfort to offer you. All I AM able to say to you is I completely understand and am so sorry anyone has to deal with this.
Please know you will always receive the support you need here, many of us will be here for you. Hoping you find the strength and peace to make this difficult journey.
gentle hugssssssssss -
Helen
I too lost mom to breast cancer. It was a rough time as I have a family of my own and my dad was also recovering from a bllod clot to the lung. My sister was in denial and i seemed to be the only one dealing with mom's illness. ya know what though? I never ever had any regrets. If there was a food mom wanted, I was at the store buying it. If she was up to seeing my son, he was there making her smile. I always felt that I could never handle it if my mom died. Unfortunately, life goes on but mom has never been forgotten. I miss her as much as the day she died in 1995 but I have the most wonderful memories of the times we spent together. Cherish the time you have left with mom. Make some new memories or preserve some old ones. Drag out those old photo albums and jar the old memories. Take your mom's cue. If she wants to visit the new mall that just opened, take her. My mom requested the strangest things right before she was re-diagnosed. It was almost as if she knew that something was not right. Invite some old friends to visit if mom is up to it. I seem to be rambling but I remember the last weeks so well. I tried to fit in as much time as possible and i always told her how much i loved her!!! -
Thank you all for your kind words. I really do appreciate it all. She is still doing about the same. She doesn't want any solid food any more so I am making lots of milkshakes and smoothies. Got someone to stay with her yesterday and got out for a while with my hubby and went to a bird shoot. I got 5 birds. Was a really wonderful day. You are all right, hospice is a godsend. I will come back here often and let yall know how we both are doing. Again, thank you all for your kind words and wisdom.
Helen -
/i am so sorry to hear your plight, but did your mom get anothe opinion? She may not know there are chemos out there that are so much easier than the nasty stuff. Maybe one could help? I'm on one called Gemzar which causes no hair loss, just a couple of days of flu-like symptoms, and does not build up toxicity in the body like a lot of the other drugs. This is one that my onc is planning on me doing basically forever, or until it stops working.
I understand it may be past that point, but you never know. I have mets all in my spine and in my lungs, but the combo of Gemzar and Herceptin shrunk some and has kept other
stable.
niancaishes to you and your mom, -
Bianca,
She was on Gemzar for two years for the bone mets. She has been on about 10 different ones since 2002. Aredia, Faslodex, gemzar, Tamoxofin, so many I can't remember. I think she is just really tired now of fighting. From February 2002 until August 1st 2006 she was at the cancer center atleast once a week. I am just lettin her live wht time she has her way.
She is not eating solid food at all anymore. I make her about 6 or 7 shakes/smoothies a day. Found lots of recipes on google search. I add a packet of Carnition Instant Breakfast to no matter which one it is to give her the extra calories. I use half/half instead of milk. Lots of frozen fruit and either icecream or vanilla yogurt.
Hospice gave me a little blue book that explained it all and I have learnt to live with her not eating. Atleast thanks to them I know what to expect. -
Well she is eating and taking in calories. I have found that since my dx with mets I really enjoy my yogurts, fresh fruits and soup. I don't like anything greasy or heavy, (you know those meals you want to sleep after). So even though she is just eating the shakes she is taking in good calories and fresh things.
It is great you are able to do this for her, I bet she appreciates you more than she could ever tell you!
Big Hugs!
LuAnn -
HelenMarie, at my mother's funeral my cousin's mother (they had been cousins-in-law for about 40 years) showed me a letter my mother had sent her shortly before she died in which my mother said to her that she was "ready" -- something my mother hadn't been able to say to me because she probably realized that at 35 I wasn't ready to hear it.
If you can talk honestly -- tell her how much she means to you, how you will always remember her -- at least you won't be saying to yourself later "I never told her ..." -
Hi! I just wanted to add my prayers and best wishes to all the rest. My wife passed away nine months ago. Her situation was a lot like you mom's. Sounds to me like you are doing a great job. My wife, Kathy said this to me many times, so I will pass her words on to you, "You are ONE ON A MILLION!" I took care of Kathy, my best friend for the entire time she was sick with BC. SOunds as if your mom is getting the best of care from you too. God bless you! I will be thinking of you and you mom and praying for you both. Take care!
Larry -
Lauri and anyone else who can answer this. Thank you for your kind words. I have told my mama several times how much I love her and that I do not mind doing this. That I am glad, thanks to my husband, that I am able to stay with her and take care of her. She is not totally bed ridden yet. As a matter of fact for the past few days she has been tired but that is about it. The scheduled morphine has kept the pain under control. A couple of weeks ago I was suppose to go and get my hair done. She woke up sick and in pain that morning. So, I did not go. I had an appointment this morning and did not tell her til I was ready to go. Her sister was going to come down here and stay with her and she called her and told her not to come. When I got home she was ok. I had made her milkshakes for while I was gone. I made her another one then. My is the one getting the raw deal in all this. He tries to see after both of us. He has been thru this twice before with his parents. He wanted him and I to go out together for a little while just to get away. He wears a beeper at all times and she knows it. When we got home she said she had been in pain and needed to take some roxanol. My husband thinks she does this to make me feel guilty for leaving her at home. But he says that I cannot let her run me down now when I am gonna need all my strength later. And that I do need some time away from here. What do I do? How do I not feel guilty for getting in some quality time of my own from time to time? This is waying heavy on my mind. Have any of you had this same situation happen to you.
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What about hospice? Have you contacted them? They really have alot of resources and can help you with alot of things. You do not have to wait until someone is really bad off to contact them. They assist alot earlier in the process but most people don't realize that. I would contact them to see if your mom is eligble for them and if so they do so much to improve a person QOL along with the caregivers!
LuAnn -
Hospice is already taking care of us. As a matter of fact, the day of my last post the nurse came. She got all over my mama. Told her that she could not do that to me and that I could not be here 24/7. That my husband and myself were going to have to have time to ourselves and that I was going to need to get out from time to time. She told her to take her meds even if I am not home. I think she understands now. She just won't let anyone else come and stay with her but me. Says she doesn;t need anyone here. But she does.
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Hi Helen
I'm 31 i lost my mum ealier this year (on mothers day) to bc. i live interstate and like you was looking for a forum to help me get thorough was she was going through, and towards the end. i hadn't seen my mum for about six weeks, and dad told me that she was in hospital and wouldn't be coming out this time. i didn't want to belive him, but when i saw my mum, i knew he was right. it was hard at first to see mum fighting (for 12 years she had cancer) for as long as she had. when i got to the hospital she could not eat, could not open her eyes, could not talk, and could hardly move. all she did was hug me and stroke my hair. i wanted that moment to last forever, and i think so did mum. she would lapse in and out of consiousness, and had started to turn yellow because her organs were shutting down. the oncologise came in and said to us after examining her "we can fill her full of drugs, but it isnot going to help". my dad looked at us kids (my two brothers and me) and said "no more - she has been through enough". after all the drugs that kept her alive, my mum lasted 2 days after that. There is no easy way to tell your brothers/aunties/cousins/uncles/niece that their mum/nana/sister/aunty is not going to be here. I had to do that as dad was a mess and my brothers couldn't accept the fact that mum wouldnt be here.
in the final days, i was just there for my mum, whether it was holding hand, brushing her hair, watching tv or reading to her. I know it may seem silly, but i didn't know what else to do aside from be there forher.
you will need a break, and even if you do go out, tell your mum how much you love her, because you never know when you will see her again. life sucks without your mum.
i was in a prediciment when i drove to see my mum. i was still 40mins away when my brother called me and told me that dad had gotten a phone call - what do i do. i told him that i was still 40mins away, to get himself to the hospital and to tell mum i was on my way, and will be there as fast as i can. i also told him that if i make it, i make it, if i don't - i don't. it was all in god's hands as to whether i saw mum and said goodbye. i thank him everyday for letting me have those few days with me.
i kind of know what your going through, but everyone's situation is diffent, and do what you need to do.
take care, and know that you are not going through this alone.
karyn -
Well, since my last post we have had to get her a hospital bed and oxygen brought in. She can't be left alone at all any more because we are terrified that she will get up and fall. She has always been a very independent person, it is upsetting her that she needs the help. I have to bath her because she is so weak and cannot do it herself. She has a bedside potty but only uses it to urinate. Refuses anything else in it. She doesn't eat much just milkshakes that I make her. I soup 'em up with yogurt, carnation instant breakfast, half n half and powdered milk. Try to get as many calories in her as possible. She is starting to forget things and not know what is going on around her. She sleeps a lot. It is driving me crazy just sitting around here waiting for her to die. I feel awful for some of my thoughts and prayers. But, just being stuck here and not being able to truely do anything to help her. Otherthan the most important thing, take care of her night and day. I just don't know how long all this can go on. It is all just driving me crazy.
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I hope that your Mother finds peace -- and that you have the strength to continue to help her.
I was with my Mother and Mother in Law as their days dwindled. Your job is very difficult and sad. But you are doing a very important thing and you should be very proud of yourself. Many folks can't give the kind of hands on care that you are giving.
When things come to their natural conclusion, you will have the peace and comfort of knowing you did everything you could. No regrets, no "if onlys" . . . .
Take a few moments for yourself and know that folks that you don't even know are sending you strength tonight. -
sister,
TY, your words mean a lot. I am trying very hard to do everything I can for my mom. The hospice nurse said today she has only 3 - 7 days left. She is in final stage of dieing. I thought I was ready but I guess I wasnt really. I just hope and pray that in the days to come that the lord gives me the strenghts to handle what comes. -
I hope that you continue to find the strength to assist your Mom.
My thoughts are with her and you as the journey continues. -
Hi HelenMarie,
I'm sending you my prayers and thoughts tonight. It is difficult to watch a parent die. I lost my father 5 years ago and he died on New Year's Eve day. Hospice was wonderful, and earlier in the evening before he died, I finally was ready to let him go. I told him so, and a few hours later he passed.
I still grieve for him every Christmas and New Years. But I know he's with me always in spirit.
You'll come to feel that way about your mom's passing.
You are a wonderful, wonderful daughter and she is blessed to have you love her so much.
Take care,
grace
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