When diagnosed- did you share with family & friends?

Everyone will give a different answer as this is personal to them.  I was diagnosed in the hospital I work in with my husband by my side.  At first, we didn't tell anyone but the kids (12, 13 and 19) and my mother-in-law that lives with us.  Once we had a better handle on my diagnosis and treatment path, we told other family, friends and church members.

Everyone was so supportive when I went in for surgery.  I didn't have to cook for over two weeks as so many people either brought over dinner or had dinner delivered.  So many friends send cards, texted, called and other things to let me know I was in their thoughts.

Take it slow and decide what is right for you.

I told everyone.  I couldn't see a reason not to. I was also at work, like many here. Monday morning, first call of the day was my radiologist. "It's a cancer" (I can hear her surprised and sympathetic voice right now). My sister worked at the same place so I went into her office and said "Well, I didn't get the results I wanted from that biopsy."  I asked her if she'd call our siblings so I didn't have to say it over and over. I told my 13 year old daughter of course, and coworkers.  I don't know how anyone would manage not to tell everyone, at least eventually, because sooner or later the majority of us will be hairless, going to doctors, having surgery and/or radiation, etc.  We might want to wait until all our options are in front of us before telling bosses, extended family, etc.  But we need support, and they can't help if we don't tell them we need help-that would feel a bit passive-aggressive to me. Though I wish my entire family hadn't come to the hospital for the mastectomy--I knew it wouldn't be a big deal--and it wasn't.  I was going to get a cab to the hospital (knowing I wouldn't be driving home), but, as I said, I worked with my sister so she insisted on knowing when it was and taking me. 

I blabbed it to everyone.

I even brought it up at a job interview (I got the job).

This was the hardest thing for me to tell anyone. When I first found the lump. it was even hard to tell my hubby about it. When I told my boss I asked her to not tell any one yet and she was great about it. The hardest was telling my parents and I didn't even know that it was cancer or not.

Even now after the mastectomy not to many people know about everything. Just family and very close friends and people at work.

I had someone say to me but come you were mammograms already and why didn't you catch it earlier. It made me keep it more closed off about telling anyone else.

Now I am starting back to work and still having problems telling anyone else.

I only told my inner circle of family and friends.  People who are in my life daily.  Especially in the beginning when I wasn't sure what the treatment would be.  After that, I told people on a "need to know" basis.  For me it is just easier not to deal with everyone's fears as I try to deal with my own.  But, it is very helpful for me to have people that I can talk openly and honestly about what I'm dealing with.  And I especially didn't want anything broadcasted on FB.  Even though I tried to keep my circle small....it's hard to do because the people you tell sometimes need to tell their "circle".  I'm ok with that.  But I certainly don't feel obligated to tell everyone I know.  

I told my three children and their wives within a few days of diagnosis, but only because I felt obligated to do so.   Frankly, I'd have much preferred to have gone into a virtual cave and licked my wounds for a year or so.   I told my best friend a week or two after my children, and within a few months another friend or two.  Eventually, I told my manager (female, but young, young, young), but none of my coworkers (all men).  I know I didn't need to tell the manager, but strangely wanted to "practice" voicing what I was viewing as secret.  BAsically, I guess I followed a need to know policy.  Two years later,  I've told a few more people, when it seemed a normal, natural part of the conversation, not a personal revelation.  At first I was too traumatized to share the information, so I consciously withhold (yes, hid) my dx.  I'm now well past treatment, hopefully forever, and the subject is no longer the first thing I think of when I consider myself.  Does that make sense?  Finally, I am comfortable sharing the information, but, thankfully, it is not at the forefront of my consciousness, so it just does not come up, any more than, say, my 1990 gallbladder surgery. 

I think it was my woundedness, as well as the treatment thing (in my case, lumpectomy and radiation) that held my tongue.  I was not at all interested in receiving those looks, those questions, because I was simply not equipped to deal with them.  Instead, I shared right here on these threads, nicely anonymously, and also at a breast cancer-specific exercise class at my treatment center. 

We're all different.  Some people (mostly those extroverts, I'm sure) are strengthened by the support of many.  I'm not one of them and, two years after diagnosis, I'm really glad my health is not a conversation starter everywhere I go.

I think this is one of the most challenging parts.  My h and my kids (12&7) knew as did my mother and sister.  I told a few friends- but in my work career, told very few people--I work with alot of people-and I did not want my every conversation to be about bc.

Eventually, it turned out that the people I told were people who could help me.... and right now, it is all about you.  So friends and colleagues who I knew would not freak out, some who had been there themselves.  So I had different people in different parts of my life to go to when necessary and no one person got burned out by my need for support. so there were a couple of neighbors, several friends and colleagues who had had bc, some other friends who I just knew would be helpful in a good way----

But there were loads and loads of people who did not know and that was fine with me--- I am sure some may have thought something was going on when I was going through chemo, but I just showed up at work every day with what I thought was a  pretty great wig on...... and got down to business.  I think you tell who you want to--no one has the right to this information--but be wary-- there are some people, who when you tell them, make it all about themselves and are not helpful.  By and large this is not the case, but I have seen a few cases where this has happened--so if you have any doubts about telling someone, wait.

I did ask the people that I told to keep it to themselves and I think they did for the most part.  Now, 6 years later, I don't care who knows, but in the thick of it, I wanted to try to control the situation.  My medical information to me, is private unless I decide differently.

good luck

As others have said, I think it depends on your personality, who you tell, how serious your diagnosis is, how obvious your treatment will be (such as if you will lose your hair or have a mastectomy), and what else is going on with others in their circle.

I work at the hospital where I had my excision done, and I felt pretty obligated to tell fellow workers what was going on because I was crying every time someone was admitted who had breast cancer. When I cry, my eyes are red and swollen for hours afterwards.   I felt I had to tell them so they would know I was not crying because of something they did.

I had my core biopsy that showed nothing worse than classic LCIS.  I had to wait another 1.5 months for a breast excision to confirm there was nothing worse. Little did I know that the night before my excision, a coworker (who I had not told at all), said that the Xray tech (a male, who I had not known at all, but who was friends with a coworker in my department), said, because he had another co-worker who had had LCIS that had bilateral mastectomies, that I should have BPMs too.  That is not what I needed the night before my excision, by essentially a male  stranger I did not know, who was not my doctor.  (BPM was the routine treatment before roughly the 1990s, but is not the routine treatment now unless one has a significant family history or other huge risk factors.)  I also had a very psychologically traumatic wire insertion before my breast excision, which triggered an anxiety disorder.

Similar to proudtospin, I did not tell my family until years later, because my sister had an ultimately fatal cancer, and my diagnoses were minor compared to that.  Probably many in my extended family still don't know, but  classic LCIS is quite a minor situation.

I only shared with my husband before core biopsy and diagnosis. There was a gap of several weeks before lumpectomy and I waited til the weekend before to tell my children. Told rest of family after lumpectomy.  I think what I succeeded in limiting was the well meant, but unwanted (crazy-making) advice on treatment choices and many questions for which I did not yet have answers. As said before, there is no right/wrong way, only your way. 

Julie E

I, am not the type to TELL it all especially in this area.....I truly wanted to be treated the same as BEFORE.......the Best thing I did was get a book by Shelly Lewis Titles five lessons I didn't learn from breast cancer and one big one I did.

The was very good reading for us to help navigate this ordeal........right in the beginning we had a bad experience ........we were at OLD friends house when we got the call.......really that was not good......for this friend no matter what we said called everyday wanting to know if my results were in.......needless to say I just had to stay away from her.  I really needed a cancer free zone for my own sanity.......so we told our family and figured we just would have to deal with them.....we did not want to aleniate any of them.  After that I did not tell too many.....but once it gets out....BAMN!!   Early on I decided that I would not let anyone disrespect me during this disease....and would not be THEIR Soap Opera......I do not do Facebook......so as you see I have no need for Drama.....Liz

I initially told very few people, choosing to fight quietly and privately.  I too got the call at work and just sent an e-mail to my boss saying "family emergency" and I left.  I later called him and told him what happened.  Besides my husband obviously, I called my sister.  We debated how to handle it with my son who was 11 at the time and just started middle school, we told him after I had a treatment plan (Her2+ so neoadjuvent chemo).  We told him he could tell friends if he wanted to but probably the best thing to do was to go to school and put it out of his mind.  I told the moms of a few of his close friends and they reported back that it seemed he was keeping it to himself.  I also checked in with a few of his teachers and they said he was doing well and did not seem upset in any way, so he took our advice.  My mom was just completing treatment herself (no genetic link, just incredibly bad luck) and my father was critically ill so I actually waited until the hair was gone to tell my mom and we decided to not tell my dad, although I think he figured it out.  I think seeing my mom go through it and pretty much carry on with her life helped my son tremendously.  It was a crazy time when I think back, I started chemo right before superstorm Sandy, we were one of the few homes in our neighborhood that had power and the weeks after were filled with helping friends and neighbors - took our minds off things.  I remember one elderly neighbor coming by for coffee in the morning and I still had some shoulder length hair and by the end of the day my hair had pretty much fallen out and I dropped off hot soup in the evening and he didn't seem the slightest bit phased that I was wearing a beanie cap with no hair sticking out, we all got a laugh out of that.  My Dad passed away that December and while a few people commented on my hair at the wake and funeral (wigs are so much fuller than your own hair) I just couldn't dump more bad news on my extended family.  It was winter, and I mostly wore hats with hair, attending my son's school and sports activities.

I had surgery (UMX with immediate DIEP) the following March and then he started to tell people.  Also my hair was coming back and I was sick of wigs so I started just wearing a baseball cap.  I live in an area of the NE with very high breast cancer rates so no one really seemed shocked at my diagnosis and treatment.

As far as work, I was already telecommuting most days anyway and telecommuted full time during treatment, I told only the co-workers I needed to.  I was fortunate to mostly feel well and I worked, worked out at the gym and pretty much just carried on with normal life.  Being diagnosed in the fall, I kept a goal in my mind that by Memorial Day, it would all be over, I would sit on the beach and have hair.  And while it was chilly I did sit on the beach that day happily with my inch of hair.

It is hard to believe its been 2 years this month.  I read these boards and I remember people saying you'll look back and not believe you actually went through it and they were right.  I feel great and continue on working, running, biking and skiing.

Hello there!  I noticed that you say you are an introvert.  I am, too--so I felt very surprised by how open I wanted to be about my breast cancer.  I found that sharing my experience in a blog was (is) very cathartic. It also allows others to take on as much or as little detail as they wish: I give someone a very general version of what was going on, usually via email as that felt the most comfortable, and then refer them to the blog if they want "the long version."  Good luck figuring out what is right for you. One thought: when people know at least something, even if it is just that you are going through some health issues, they are more likely to be gentle with you.  That might be a help.  Take care!      

I too am an introvert, clearly confirmed by my Meyers-Briggs results, and I was fairly open with my diagnosis. I don't think there is a correlation between being introverted and the amount of people you tell, it's more of a comfort level thing.

My husband and I are both only children so we told our parents, they in turn told our aunts and uncles. My friends were told, including Facebook friends. My social network is really small so most people I'm friends with on Facebook are those I do want to keep in touch with. As far as co workers I told my management team and those I worked closest with. I took a leave of absence and I didn't want people to speculate why I was off. I also told new people at work when I started back part time. Given that I work in a cube farm some people knew without even me telling them. 

If I were to do it all over again, I'm not sure I would be as opened with people at work. Some people really have no boundaries and while no horrible situation happened, it wore me down to have to explain things to people. I also found co workers were the ones most likely to address the issue with "that tone". Maybe my friends just know better!

One thing we did with friends that worked nicely was a periodic email update. Every time I had a chemo treatment, or major updates to provide, my husband would draft an email. I would review it then he would send it out. We were really open in those emails. That way everyone knew the same thing at the same time. What happened is that when I did meet up with friends my illness was not the subject of discussions. It allowed us to have our regular interactions. 

I don't think there is a right or wrong with this. Go with what ever your gut tells you.

I also got the call at work (on a friday) I told my husband first, then the children and only told my boss because she was going to be out of town the next week and needed to know I would be out for further tests, the other co-workers were not told. I asked my husband and children not to tell ANYONE else at that time because I wanted the weekend to myself to BEGIN to process what i was hearing. I wanted to be able to have a little breathing room because in the small town we live in news travels like fire..It was a good thing to be able to focus on me and my immediate household before anyone else was told and I told them on my own terms. You have to do what is right for you.