Confronted to the idea of being parentless.

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sadPotatoe
sadPotatoe Member Posts: 4
edited September 2014 in Caring for Someone with Breast cancer

Hello there,

I didn't thought I'd post here but you seemed all so nice and supportive. And you really (and, given the circumstances, sadly) understand what it's like, too. 
I haven't opened up to a lot of people, so posting here would do me good, I think.

My mom got diagnosed with breast cancer last week.
She came home worried, and finally ended up in tears when I asked her how her check-up went.

She originally didn't want treatment.

Bit of background to understand a bit why, my dad died 7 years ago to what first was a lung cancer.
He had chemo. His cancerous cells moved to his brain, and well. As you might all guess, brain cancer isn't quite fun. 
At the end, he could barely talk, think, let alone walk.

Her aunt also has breast cancer, first diagnosed a few years ago and her treatment is terribly weakening her.
Ton of side effects too.

I want to help. I want to be able to be there, and help her go through that.
For what I've seen of cancer, I'm not optimistic. 

But on the other part.. 

I'm scared. 

I'm scared I won't have enough time to be there, by her side.
I'll start (if all goes well) my sandwich course the day of her operation, the 30th September.
And even with the best schedule I could think of, it will be tough to spend a lot of time with her.

And, really, I'm scared of being on my own. Having no more place to call home.
Home isn't about the location, but the people. And she was that, for me.

I'm 21, and being parentless seems pretty utterly freaking scary.

Thank you for reading all of this.
As it's pretty long, thought I'd bolden the most important parts to make it easier to read.

Any advice, thought or really, anything would be greatly appreciated.

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Comments

  • WinningSoFar
    WinningSoFar Member Posts: 951
    edited September 2014

    The best advice I'd give to my daughter would be to be brave, be hopeful, be optimistic, be helpful and be there.  Your dad's cancer treatment was probably worse than your mom's.  Her aunt's breast cancer treatment is probably worse than your mom's would be (her aunt is older than your mom?).   Cancer treatment, especially breast cancer, has made tremendous strides in the last ten years.  Don't assume the worst outcome or the worst side effects or any other horrible things.  You might be surprised how well her treatment goes. 

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  • sadPotatoe
    sadPotatoe Member Posts: 4
    edited September 2014

    @alexgram : right. Yes, her aunt is older. (My mom is 62, her aunt probably 73-74.)
    Cancer has a way of making me assuming the worst, indeed.

    Thank you for the sound advice, I really appreciate it.

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  • Moderators
    Moderators Member Posts: 25,912
    edited September 2014

    Dear SadPotatoe, we're glad you found this safe and caring group of people who understand what your mother and you are going through. Just try to take each day at a time and be there for your mom. Being there, supportive and someone to talk to is soooo important, the more so as you are obviously close. 

    Yes it is scary, but more so for your mom having been through your father's case. Collect all the details, learn about things on here and you'll be better equipped to assist your mom make her decisions. That gaining of knowledge to better talk with the medical team is one of the biggest strengths of this forum and main Breastcancer,.org sites.

    If you can provide your mom's diagnosis, it will help people here to give feedback and advise of their experiences.

    We all wish your mom and you the best and keep us informed.

    The Mods

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  • sadPotatoe
    sadPotatoe Member Posts: 4
    edited September 2014

    Moderators: Thank you for your answer,

    I don't know her diagnosis. She is reluctant to talk about it, because she don't want to make me worry.
    I think it is at least stage III, because she had to go through nuclear medecine imaging, that might indicate that the cancer had spread.

    I'll do my best.

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  • Moderators
    Moderators Member Posts: 25,912
    edited September 2014

    Well, you know your mom and it is her decision but discussing it with someone close can often help. Give her time as it is a big shock, just "leave the door open" to chat is all you can do at this point. Explain how worried you are though.

    All the best

    The Mods

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  • Holeinone
    Holeinone Member Posts: 2,478
    edited September 2014

    Sad, 

    Sorry your Mom has been diagnosed. My daughter turned 27 the day I was diagnosed. 

    Once your mom has the surgery, it becomes easier to deal with. She will get a treatment plan. The waiting & the unknown is the worse part. 

    Treatment ( chemo, if she needs it & radiation ) are difficult. For me, I would do it again if necessary. 

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  • keepthefaith
    keepthefaith Member Posts: 2,156
    edited September 2014

    sadpotatoe, so sorry to hear of your Moms' DX. I was thinking of my daughter this morning and how hard it must have been for her and my son to hear the news of my DX. As parents, we want to shield our children from hurt and pain; we take that responsibility on from the day  they are born. One of the hardest things I had to do, including surgery, chemo, rads, tests, etc., was to tell my kids. I felt so guilty; that I was the source of their pain and fear. Once she comes to terms with it herself, she may be more open. She may not have the answers that she thinks she needs to give you, yet. Just be there for her right now. Call her, send her a text. She will appreciate that you are thinking of her. There are a lot of online resources that maybe you can help her with, when she is ready. Meanwhile, try not to assume the worst. ((HUGS))

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  • sadPotatoe
    sadPotatoe Member Posts: 4
    edited September 2014

    Aw.
    Thank you all for your answers, it really means a lot to me in those pretty rough times.

    We just got back from seeing one of her favorite music bands at Paris, she said she didn't thought about it for 2 hours straight; really cool.
    She really wanted to see them before her operation, so we did it and it went really well :) 

    Mods: She's talking to her sister. Knowing I worry will only make her feel guilty so it's a bit delicate unfortunately.

    keepthefaith: She feels exactly the same as you did. She also felt guilty for being sad as our dad passed away.
    Thank you for the wise advices. I'll try to be here as most as I can, make sure she knows I care yet I'm strong enough to handle this. (which I'm still working on)

    She doesn't want to talk about it to family members, because she doesn't want to worry them either.
    But she needs and deserve someone who really understand. She's going to need chemo and it frightens her.
    So, I think a small support group could help her, a lot. 

    Any of you had any experience with that ?

    I'm a bit warry about showing her online ressources myself because she'll know it worries me; which will only make her feel guiltier.

    Holeinone : Oh. Must have been quite tough for both of you. :( Indeed, the waiting is awfully long. 
    Fearing what's coming next is hard.

    I make terribly long answers :x gosh.
    But I truly appreciate every one of your advices, makes me want to hug you all. 

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