How do you keep from feeling your life's been ruined?

macb04 have you tried meletonin as a sleep aid.? I found the same thing on Tamoxifern I was very tired, breathless and couldn't  sleep properly. I quit after my 5 years (march 2014) my natural dr prescribed meletonin and I find it works most of the time. Every now and then I have to take 1/2 a sleeping tablet as well. The only problem I have had coming off Tamoxifern is that I have out on 2kg which is really annoying I am trying to lose that  before our summer  

I just read the study it wasn't mestastic second cancer it was a hormone negative primary cancer in breast. I think I have read it properly 

My mind might be in denial but it seems to be convinced I don't need to think about cancer until the next mammograms/Mri.

Meow - I am still in the middle of treatment and on the days when I actually don't have an appointment I tell myself that today is not a day that is messed up by cancer.  Thank you for your post.

Skylotus - I really needed to see your post.  I've maintained a good outlook through this mess and more recently started to feel that this is too much.  I'm going on surgery # 6 and I expect there to be at least 10 before I am done.  Your post reminds me that one day I will look back on this.  Thank you for returning to write words of inspiration.  

i think strongly some days that my life has been ruined: i can no longer do heavy construction, as the chemo has wrecked my bones, and my arm has just never been the same. me and my man never feel like having sex anymore, as my vgina is also atrophied since treatment. sex was very fun and important to both of us, and it just aint happening, no ones fault, it just hurts too much, and neither one of us is likin the weight gain i have from endocrine treatment. i was slim and strong and very energetic. i m working on it, but i dont think i will ever be what i was. but, i know he loves me, and in some ways, it took cancer to let me know: he really really really loves me! And i do try to be more gentle with all people, cause you never know what they are going through. but if i am mad watch out! i take anti depressents, more because i think femara causes deppression with me, and for now it feels necessary. 

to keep from feeling my life is being ruined, i just try and focus on the things i still can do, like art and going to concerts, make good things to eat and travel when i can. i am more selfish in how i spend my time. i come here, and somehow it cheers me up immensely,to see how everyone is doing, and to help where i can. i read and escape, and enjoy movies. i watch the news and am glad i live in a part of the world where it is so easy and we do have good health care.  i was telling him the other day, we are so lucky to be born in this time and this place, we are so insulated from most of the worlds bad stuff. and we lead a very simple life. It could be worse, i could be a crack zombie.

exbrnxgrl, your posts are so inspiring. No one could have stated it better than you have in your previous post.  I take no mood stabilizers and do feel more pain as a result of my surgery, but I enjoy each day as it comes.  I look forward to your encouraging words.

RaiderGirl - certainly not something any us thought would happen to us but it did and we have to deal with it somehow. 

I can relate to hot flashes; also have joint pain, weight gain and inability to concentrate not to mention anxiety from what's happened and what might happen. With Tamoxifen my chance of recurrence is 8%. Don't have a clue what it would be without it. Doesn't matter though anyway because I'm taking it. I am 3 1/2 years out. 

BC is a hell of a sentence no doubt about it. I can't remember what I felt like before my DX. I used to go into panic mode before my mammograms then so you can imagine what it's like now. Full blown panic attacks. 

My mother had BC and now both my sister and I do. Btw she passed away almost 10 years ago but not from BC. 

I have an ONC appt Thursday. Nervous definitely but less anxious as time goes on

This forum is a godsend. Everyone is here for the same reason in various stages and grades and treatments. We all truly know how you feel. 

I'm sorry your friends seemed to be MIA. Lots easier to be a friend when everything is going great. I have a now X friend who would occasionally be there for me but more often than not it was all about her. I was a good friend to her when she and her DH both had medical issues, went to court with her, my DH made repairs to her house because her DH wouldn't and on and on. Not keeping score just think it needs to work both ways. She was a good listener- I miss that about her. 

Maybe your family is just plain scared so trivializing it makes it less serious to them, they can deny it; we can't. Tell them how they make you feel. I relied on several friends, one in particular, to help me get through this. She had BC so she knew.

Sometimes people avoid us like we have leprosy or if they get too close they will get it. 

Your dr may assign a patient advocate to your case. Mine did - she was so attentive and helpful. Hope yours will too. 

Radiation was a piece of cake for me. Bit burning and fatigue midway through but other than that not bad. At least I dodged chemo. 

Your feelings are normal. Don't let BC consume you anymore than you have to. No question it's on your mind but it doesn't define you. It's hard when you really can't control this hand we have been dealt. There are no guarantees. 

Keep the faith and keep us posted. 

Diane 

hi all, I am very new here and feel like maybe I should not post, but already I am feeling similar in so many ways. I am doing chemo, surgery and radiation. I too will need tamoxifen and worry about what i wil be like in a year or two. Headlong into menopause and all of that for starters. I am 46.

i am fired from my job as already chemo is ruinous. I cannot perform up to par. The job is wrought with deadlines, terrible ramifications for error and toxicity. So, it is a friendly, happy parting actually, and I get it. I realized finally that the job is detrimental in extreme to my health, and has been for years. at least i can claim unemployment. They replaced me in a day. So life just goes in like I never had been there. the plan is for me to return when i am able, but i never want to go back there.

well meaning people toss out rah-rah statements about being a 'warrior' and 'brave', etc.  i am neither, all I do is what i am told and though i have made positive lifestyle changes, am really relying on modern science.  they seem to think too that chemo is like getting a flu shot, not the assault it actually is.  I do not want to hear, "you can do it" from a non cancer person!  I do not have a choice. I have to do it. And i hate it.

And, assuming I survive, which I should at least initially then i will have the med bills to deal with. A lifetime of living below my means, staying in the same house for 25 years, all to one day retire in good financial shape. I can kiss that dream goodbye.

The marital dynamic is already upside down. I was the major breadwinner, hubby's work is very profitable when it is cranking, but it is an economy driven job, so not always cranking as of late. He worries about money, is guilty he is not making more, feels he is failing as a man. I do not feel he is at all, he is my best friend and takes excellent care if me. Still, what wil he feel about me in a few years? I am going to be altered in very ugly ways soon and forever. I worry he will not be able to take it. People have their limits, after all.

i am trying to be positive, and quit eating crap and drinking beer, i walk each night with hubs, as i am 30 pds overweight at least. Maybe getting in shape will help with my health and surgical recovery. We live in an affluent, beautiful place, though we are not wealthy ourselves. Because of the location, there are many many cancer resources here which are all free, like yoga, counseling, art classes, etc. so i will soon be into all of that. I will be applying for every single bit of financial help i am able to, to minimize my debt. I am learning new coping skills, but still struggling to understand what is happening to me. 

Dear Bippy:  I read your story and saw your stats that you just started chemo.  I am stunned that any employer would replace you in that short of a time period.  That is beyond horrible.  I work in HR, and I wonder if they should have extended you some FMLA leave or something.  If there is anything I can do to help, other than offer sincere sympathy to you, please don't hesitate to PM me.  

I don't know if this is the best thread for this issue but here goes - I'm about 2 months out from DX and am on neoadjuvant HT prior to surgery, etc. 

It seems as though this dx has been fraught with horrible experiences with medical professionals; I'm o.k. w/my MO, love my new surgeon (after a couple of false starts including one who basically went psychotic on me and, it turns out, was omitting options for tx. because she didn't know how to do them) and the RO is good. However, the nurse navigator and the LCSW who lead the support group at the breast center are real problems. 

I feel as though I'm not 'supposed' to feel any anger, that I'm supposed to 'embrace the journey' and 'learn the lessons that cancer can teach you' and embrace the opportunity to live a healthier life style. Most of these are word for word quotes, by the way.

Well, I was living a very healthy lifestyle - I am strong, fit, active, etc. However, I look at the SE of all the treatments and see the potential for a healthy life being trashed. Am I wrong to feel angry that this is the best they can offer us in this day and age? Instead, I'm told to be grateful they can save my life - although, of course, we never know about recurrence. 

Maybe if someone had said to me in the beginning, 'well, of COURSE you're angry - who wouldn't be' I'd be able to move on. However, they keep pushing this garbage that cancer will make me a stronger, person with my priorities in better order or some such nonsense. Trust me, NO one said that to my brother when he was dx. with esophageal cancer. No one said that to my aunt when she was dx. with pancreatic cancer. Why are we supposed to embrace this experience and act as though it's the boot camp version of a mindfulness weekend?

Why are we not encouraged - or even allowed - to mourn the loss of our old selves, our existing lives?

I would so much love to find a support group where I could find some hope and some help, where someone would understand my fear that this might ruin my life and/or kill me. I so thoroughly resent the sort of mindless, thoughtless self-help gibberish that I've encountered both in the support group and in so many of the books on dealing with this. Not that I'm opposed to mindfulness, but coating it in saccharine and painting it pink make me ill.

As it is, I have BCO - and I have encountered a world of kindness, helping hands, compassion, encouragement and useful information from so many here. I honestly don't think I would have made it this far without the compassion and kindness extended through this group. I'd still like to know how people actually get through this. At this point, I'm not sure I want to.

The BCO forums have been the best support group for me.  I haven't joined another one, mainly because the one at the local hospital didn't have any Stage III women like me in it.  You've found a good group here.  Hopefully the support group you're in now is not mandatory, and you can quit.  

I had one LCSW when I was in radiation who was head of the local support group and bugged me senseless nearly daily, appearing right as I was coming out of the chamber.  I was so glad that I didn't have that at the hospital where I had DX, chemo and surgery.  There was no pressure there whatsoever and maybe not even a LCSW.  

What you described above is called pinkwashing, as you may already know.  I think it's highly insensitive.

Mary & Honeybair - thank you. I really needed that support and kindness today. I wouldn't believe the insensitivity of what you've both experienced - except that I've seen so much of it in my own process that it shouldn't shock me anymore.

No, the support group's not mandatory, Mary. I went once and am not going back. It's not a place that I feel safe being honest or open, which is really sad. We all need such places. Honestly, without BCO I don't know what I'd have done. 

I'm not afraid of death (although I don't want my family to have to go through mine just yet) but I am afraid of going through all the misery of treatment and then dying anyway. I don't know why I have this feeling of doom but I sure wish I could shake it. 

Again, thank you for reaching out. It does help.

hopeful,

I think most of us would agree, feeling the full range of emotions is very important. It's virtually impossible to arrive at a place of peace unless you do. The part that's really hard is accepting that you go through tx, with side effects, but no guarantees of "cure". Some experience few se's, some many, some temporary, some permanent. Again, no way to predict who this happens to and who it doesn't. Not a great state of affairs, but just the current reality. So, the goal is to go through the range of emotions and then figure out how to find happiness with your reality, even if it is far from the reality you envisioned. None of us wanted this, deserved this or imagined this but we are here and we choose to find happiness or not. Ultimately, our choice.

hopeful - I've never posted here but read often. Your post touched a nerve with me... My nurse was wonderful, held my hand when I cried and just listened. My major meltdown day about 7 weeks after my BMX just when I returned to work - my Mom was the one who told me I had to stop crying and get positive - really????? I remember screaming at her, telling her I needed her to cry with me because we are all grieving my diagnosis! I was so mad at her, but it felt so good to just scream & tell someone off who was close to me, that I knew I wouldn't "hurt". I was angry that I got this!!! I was tired of everyone saying "you're gonna be ok"!!!!  It's 18 months since my surgery and honestly, I'm still not totally ok - I'm better, not as angry, but still accepting my new body and still grieving my life before cancer. 

It is absolutely ok for you to feel whatever you want to feel. Our lives are changed forever and that is a lot to swallow!!  BCO helped me so much - just being able to vent to people who understand the crazy emotions & anxiety that lingers after diagnosis. October & all the pink sh*t doesn't help.

I hope you find a way to express your emotions that works for you. But know you aren't alone in your feelings. 

Hopeful....I think we are in the hardest stage right now, just trying to get thru treatment and wondering about all the "what ifs".  I was sitting in the waiting room the other day waiting for my "rads" and the woman next to me asked how I was doing.  I gave the standard answer "I'm good".  Then I said this really sucks and we had a great conversation!  She thanked me for saying it sucked.  

We will get thru this....

xoxo