Dealing with my Husband and others

Sometimes I just don't/can't listen or react. Let things go in one ear and out the other. You've got too many other things to worry about, and sometimes it's just not worth acknowledging other's issues and advice. If you come off as spaced out or incoherent, then tell them "I'm sorry I've just got so much on mind. I guess I can't really concentrate right now on what you're saying". Also, hoping your DH cleaned up his mess, including your feelings. Sometimes a good rant feels good, but then you've got to clean up. Hope it gets better soon.

lini

Maxi, it sounds like he is thinking way too far into the future and the negative. You just take care of you and we are here for you with any answers that we can give. xoxoxo

I am the daughter of a woman with st4 she only has a few months left. It is very hard on all family members. I had to tell my aunt she could not come and see her if all she was gonna do is cry. She was brinnging my mom down. I think you should protect yourself any way you hve to. You need all your strength to fight this disease.

Hugs

Hi Max! That is quite a post you put out. I don't know where to start so I will just write and hope this makes sense and helps a little.
First I will start with your DH and his reaction(s). I have been in his shoes. My wife, Kathy received two D/X of BC. The first was in Sept of 97 and the second was in Jan, 2003. In Jan. 97 Kathy was d/x with DCIS in multiple spots on her right breast. The second d/x was for multiple bone and liver mets. I have always tried to take things in lifew as they come. Whatever is thrown my way, I deal with it and get on with things. Could not quite take that tact with BC......especially when your wife and best friend are involved. kathy was stunned when she got the d/x. She dealt with this as she always dealt with a crisis.......attack it head on and get on with her life. I was there with her for every step and we dealt with this as a team. Seh had the right breast reomoved and a tram flap done for her reconstruction.
Fast forward to July of 2003.....kath gets fatigued easily and has no energy. To make a long story short, Kathy was d/x with bone mets (over 150 spots) and liver mets in January of 2003. She took the d/x a little better than I did. With me, it was as if I was punched in the gut...very hard. I was left with a feeling of a big knot in my stomach that did not go away for nearly three years. When we got home from th oncologistss office, I took Kath back to the bedroom and helped her get into bed....she was pretty wiped out. After that I had to get away by myself for a few minute. That is when I lost it for about a half hour. Anger and fear took over. I cried like a baby and then I gotr really mad. I had to get this out and I did. It was not Kathy's fault that she was sick and I did not want her to feel as if I was taking it out on her or blaming her in any way. Once I got all the venom out of me I was fine. It was the first, last and only time that i "lost" it. geting angry and creaming and yelling was not going to help the situation. So I did not dot it! Too simplistic? maybe. But that is how I handled it and it worked for me. Believe me, if I thought screaming and throwing things would help KAth, I wouold have done it. It sounds to me that that is how your DH is dealing with your D/X. He is scared. I have a pretty good idea of what you are going through......not exactly but close. I know EXACTLY how your DH is feeling. I have been there...twice. It sounds aas if he realizes his mistakes and is getting a better handle on how to deal with what you need and how he can help.
Kathy and I were a team from the first time we met. We stayed that way when we got married in 1985 and continued that throught almost 21years of marriage. I was there with her for every chemo treatment, CT and PET scan, shot and Onc. visit. Whatever she wanted or needed, I was ther to get it for her. When she received chemo, and she got a LOT of chemo, I was there for every one. Holding her hand, shoulder rub, getting her several Mountain Dews, tracking down the onc if she had a question, were just some of the thingsd I helped her with. Your DH can be this same type of help for you. I would be happy to talk with him if he needs a place to vent or just talk.
Now your second question is a little more challenging. I can only offer this perspective and tell you how KAthy handled her situation. kathy had this "Motto", for lack of a better term. It was this, "Do what you can do and then let the rest go." When people offered their well wishes and their"hang in there" suggestions, Kath would just say thank you and then forget about them. She knew they were just trying to help. This is where you DH can help. I took about 98% of these calls for Kathy. In short, I ran interference for her so she could concentrate on her treatments and getting through the day. I hope this suggestion helps.
Kathy also used humor to get her through treatments, side effects from the chemo and all the well wishers that called, came by or stopped her in the hallways at school. Probably the best example is when KAthy had her First Full body CT scan. When we received the radiology report it read as follow, " Examination of the head revealed that nothing remarkable was found." Over the following three years KAthy would get that twinkle in her eyes and tell all who would listen that she had hear head examined and there is "NOTHING" there! She used that humor and a fierce determination to live her life as she wanted to get her through all the treatments and difficult days of chemo.
I hope that this helps and that you and your Dh can team up to get through this together. Hang in there. You and you family are in my prayers
larry