Dealing with my Husband and others

maximink

Hello,

I was recently dx with bc and will be having a lumpectomy. Appears we have caught it early. My question for the boards is that my husband completely lost it this weekend (because of the stress, I'm sure). He tore the house up and went off on me (no physical abuse). I have enough of a hard time carrying my own burden right now. I cannot carry others. I have other health problems as well that I am going through and am completely overwhelmed. Other people's reactions are annoying and I am in no space to give a darn about other people's issues and how everyone they know has had cancer and are fine, blah, blah, blah. I DON'T CARE! This is my cancer.

Folks, how do I deal with everyone else's reaction? All of you who know someone with breast cancer - how do I deal with this?

Max

fancy2

Well, understand that your husband is in denial. All this "3 milllion other women had bc and they're fine" is his left-handed way of saying "it's gonna be OK." My husband does the same thing. I could wish that he would learn to say things more lovingly, but he's 57, so I doubt that I'm gonna change him.

Second, I needed to learn to ask for help. Is there a counselor at your hospital? At your church? Are you getting help at home from people who can clean, or iron, or cook or whatever? Ask! There are people out there who will be delighted to help, if they know you need it.

Gentle hugs to you. This DOES get better with time.

Sandra1957

Sometimes I just don't/can't listen or react. Let things go in one ear and out the other. You've got too many other things to worry about, and sometimes it's just not worth acknowledging other's issues and advice. If you come off as spaced out or incoherent, then tell them "I'm sorry I've just got so much on mind. I guess I can't really concentrate right now on what you're saying". Also, hoping your DH cleaned up his mess, including your feelings. Sometimes a good rant feels good, but then you've got to clean up. Hope it gets better soon.

lini

Sierra

Sorry to hear this
You need to get help right away
for yourself.. as you require all
you have to focus on this fight

A counsellor at your centre,
minister, nurse (someone in the know)
a professional

Wishing you the best

It does happen, I have heard

Hugs

tflowers

Maxi, it sounds like he is thinking way too far into the future and the negative. You just take care of you and we are here for you with any answers that we can give. xoxoxo

chellebell66

Your husband's anger is very normal... and I'm sure he is scared and this is 'his' way of dealing w/ it. I'm not saying it's right, it's just his way. The other ladies are right...you need to concentrate on yourself right now. This is 'your' cancer and it's pretty scarey stuff. You will find out that it's a journey you won't ever get over. There will be negatives along the way and believe it or not, there will also be positives. I'm sorry you have to deal w/ your dh and his anger right now. All you can do is keep talking honestly to him...try not to lash back. Tell him you totally understand his anger..I'm sure you have some too. But anger is fear, fear of the unknown. Everyone has that! I hope that you can find someone around you that can understand and you can confide in.... hopefully, in time your dh will calm down and be there for you. Don't worry about all the others. Everyone has a story about someone they know..like someone else said let it go in 1 ear and right out the other. Only deal w/ what you WANT to deal w/ right now. I had people coming out of the wood work trying to give me advice etc... You can only handle so much. I'm glad you found this place now... I found it after all my treatment was finished. Everyone here is very supportive! You are in my prayers! Take care. Hugs, Michelle

maximink

All: Thank you so very much for your words of wisdom and encouragement. Yes, my husband cleaned up his mess and apologized profusely to me - still is in fact. After I reread my post, I realize how selfish I can get with what's wrong with ME and not considering how others that care about me might feel about the breast cancer. It was just all so overwhelming last week. I actually had a pretty good day yesterday. My work helps me 'forget' my issues.

Anyway, your posts brought tears to my eyes (in a good way). Feels great to know there are people in cyberspace that are supportive! You all are terrific and I wish each of you much peace and many blessings!

I am usually in the chat room every AM at around 5AM (MST). I hope to see you there. Can't thank you enough!

Max

eva2004

Maximink,
Only the person who experienced cancer him/her/self
can understand the emotional complicity of the cancer patient.
I don't know what I was expecting ,but whatever my husband did or said wasn't what I wanted . In retrospect I wanted him to just somehow make my cancer go away ..
I couldn't cope with me,him,kids,decision making so I moved out. Really ! Maybe it was selfish but I went deep soul searching and came back after 6 weeks/?/

I don't know what I wanted to tell you ..maybe that all
yours and your husbands reactions were quite understandable
given the circumstances.
Don't blame yourself, don't blame him ..it's a shock for both of you and nobody knows how to deal with it.

All my best to both of you.
Take care,
Eva

hmphillips

I am the daughter of a woman with st4 she only has a few months left. It is very hard on all family members. I had to tell my aunt she could not come and see her if all she was gonna do is cry. She was brinnging my mom down. I think you should protect yourself any way you hve to. You need all your strength to fight this disease.

Hugs

MIdb

One thing my wife and I both came to realize is that we feel we are being cheated. We are both under 50, and she is not doing well. We had great plans of how we would grow old together. Now, she will probably not be around in a year or two. As I think of what she is going through now, and what she will probably go through in the near future, I get anxiety attacks. It is really tough to be a form of bystander. It is hard to see how my wife has changed through all of this. But God made it clear to me that my only job was to minister to my lovely wife. And that is what I try to do.

laryy48

Hi Max! That is quite a post you put out. I don't know where to start so I will just write and hope this makes sense and helps a little.
First I will start with your DH and his reaction(s). I have been in his shoes. My wife, Kathy received two D/X of BC. The first was in Sept of 97 and the second was in Jan, 2003. In Jan. 97 Kathy was d/x with DCIS in multiple spots on her right breast. The second d/x was for multiple bone and liver mets. I have always tried to take things in lifew as they come. Whatever is thrown my way, I deal with it and get on with things. Could not quite take that tact with BC......especially when your wife and best friend are involved. kathy was stunned when she got the d/x. She dealt with this as she always dealt with a crisis.......attack it head on and get on with her life. I was there with her for every step and we dealt with this as a team. Seh had the right breast reomoved and a tram flap done for her reconstruction.
Fast forward to July of 2003.....kath gets fatigued easily and has no energy. To make a long story short, Kathy was d/x with bone mets (over 150 spots) and liver mets in January of 2003. She took the d/x a little better than I did. With me, it was as if I was punched in the gut...very hard. I was left with a feeling of a big knot in my stomach that did not go away for nearly three years. When we got home from th oncologistss office, I took Kath back to the bedroom and helped her get into bed....she was pretty wiped out. After that I had to get away by myself for a few minute. That is when I lost it for about a half hour. Anger and fear took over. I cried like a baby and then I gotr really mad. I had to get this out and I did. It was not Kathy's fault that she was sick and I did not want her to feel as if I was taking it out on her or blaming her in any way. Once I got all the venom out of me I was fine. It was the first, last and only time that i "lost" it. geting angry and creaming and yelling was not going to help the situation. So I did not dot it! Too simplistic? maybe. But that is how I handled it and it worked for me. Believe me, if I thought screaming and throwing things would help KAth, I wouold have done it. It sounds to me that that is how your DH is dealing with your D/X. He is scared. I have a pretty good idea of what you are going through......not exactly but close. I know EXACTLY how your DH is feeling. I have been there...twice. It sounds aas if he realizes his mistakes and is getting a better handle on how to deal with what you need and how he can help.
Kathy and I were a team from the first time we met. We stayed that way when we got married in 1985 and continued that throught almost 21years of marriage. I was there with her for every chemo treatment, CT and PET scan, shot and Onc. visit. Whatever she wanted or needed, I was ther to get it for her. When she received chemo, and she got a LOT of chemo, I was there for every one. Holding her hand, shoulder rub, getting her several Mountain Dews, tracking down the onc if she had a question, were just some of the thingsd I helped her with. Your DH can be this same type of help for you. I would be happy to talk with him if he needs a place to vent or just talk.
Now your second question is a little more challenging. I can only offer this perspective and tell you how KAthy handled her situation. kathy had this "Motto", for lack of a better term. It was this, "Do what you can do and then let the rest go." When people offered their well wishes and their"hang in there" suggestions, Kath would just say thank you and then forget about them. She knew they were just trying to help. This is where you DH can help. I took about 98% of these calls for Kathy. In short, I ran interference for her so she could concentrate on her treatments and getting through the day. I hope this suggestion helps.
Kathy also used humor to get her through treatments, side effects from the chemo and all the well wishers that called, came by or stopped her in the hallways at school. Probably the best example is when KAthy had her First Full body CT scan. When we received the radiology report it read as follow, " Examination of the head revealed that nothing remarkable was found." Over the following three years KAthy would get that twinkle in her eyes and tell all who would listen that she had hear head examined and there is "NOTHING" there! She used that humor and a fierce determination to live her life as she wanted to get her through all the treatments and difficult days of chemo.
I hope that this helps and that you and your Dh can team up to get through this together. Hang in there. You and you family are in my prayers
larry

CyberCat-2006Oct09

Larry -- since DCIS is not invasive i assume your wife got second cancer in other breast -- how was it found - mammogram? Or was it not found second time till mets?

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maximink -- everyone handles stress differently. Can't imagine for a second why hubby would vent against you but that must be how he chose to express his anger at your dx. Hope everything has improved for you.