Am Just Not Getting Over This

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percy4
percy4 Member Posts: 477
edited July 2014 in DCIS (Ductal Carcinoma In Situ)

OK; I know I sound like a whiner.  I know my prognosis is "good".  Still; life wasn't so wonderful even before, and I live alone.  I am having trouble moving on.  It was removed, but  my margins were clear, but close.  I  went through this with much grace and class, according to all who know me.  My recurrence chance (they can't really say) is maybe 10-15%.  85- 90% not, but I had a friend with prostate cancer with the same odds and now he's dying from it having gone to the bones.  I know all the platitudes.  Bottom line is this.  I don't know how to be OK with a possible 30-year future, and also a possible 5-year futrue.  And I don't just care about dying.  I am financially compromised, and if I have a recurrence that may warrant chemo or anything that leaves me looking unemployable or having to have a year of treatment, I might as well give up, as I will not be able to keep myself through it. I get that I have to learn to live with not knowing, and get that no one ever knows, but this is freezing me.  Not to be a bitch, as it is awul for everyone (and, no, I don't want to be compared to the Stage IV women), but a lot of people (not all) here are older than me (I know; many younger)  and have sound jobs and husbands and I have nothing but me.  I am just frozen.  I think a little PTSD is going on.  I'm trying, but it's an effort to face every day.  I don't want anti-depressants.  I have real concerns, not depression.  I was already in a f***ed position; now, it's like that still, but really fearing having hope, as well.  Hope can be a horrible thing, when one has experienced many recent negative things.  And, believe it or not, I was always the ray of light and voice of reason to my closest.  Any help?


 

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  • percy4
    percy4 Member Posts: 477
    edited July 2014

    Actually, please just tell me you will pray for me, or whatever you do, and please really do it.  I believe in the power of prayer and energy, and I really need it.  I'm not more important than anyone else here, but I'm asking you. xx

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  • MomtoIrishQuads
    MomtoIrishQuads Member Posts: 128
    edited July 2014

    Hi Percy,

    I can tell you just what has worked for me.  I have PTSD from another incident in my life - and it was in full swing when I got my first diagnosis 3 years ago.  The things that helped me were:  yoga, Lexipro (I know you don't want to take meds, but Lexipro really helped me) and EMDR (it's great on PTSD).  I suggest that you try to find a therapist that is well versed in EMDR.....and don't be afraid of anti-depressants - they have been my friend.  Somatic (body) therapy is also very useful since many times our trauma can be stuck in our body.

    Good luck.....

    Mom to Irish/Deb

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  • Ariom
    Ariom Member Posts: 6,197
    edited July 2014

    Percy, I am so sorry to hear how you're feeling. This Dx really shakes us to the core. I understand that you fear the what if's in the future, but you can't let yourself remain stuck. with that being your focus. 

    MomtoIrishQuads has good advice for you on PTSD, as hard as it may be, only you can make the decision to move forward, but you can't do it all alone. There is help out there, you just have to find it.

    Do you have anyone close to you, that you can talk to? I know it can be tough when you live alone. I wonder if there is a support group you could join? I was directed to a small BC group in my town before my surgery because I had just moved here and didn't really know anyone. Even after my final pathology, I have continued to go to meetings and have even become involved in the committee. In the 19 months I have been attending, our numbers have grown to 20. I have met so many great people through this group. We have a number of women who are isolated, because they are alone, in a country area and they look forward to coming to meetings and going on outings. We have all stages and ages of women in the group and we all support each other, without the slightest judgement. 

    It may be worth investigating, you won't be the only one in your area, who is feeling isolated and feeling these feelings.  

    I wish you all the best.

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  • april485
    april485 Member Posts: 3,257
    edited July 2014

    (((Percy))) You have been given good advice so just want to add that you are indeed in my prayers. This disease is a thief and robs us of our confidence that we are healthy. While our prognosis is excellent, we are still more than twice as likely to have another issue with this disease although many many do NOT end up getting a recurrence. It is just hard to move on. I think that time and distance from this diagnosis is the only thing that will do it for me. I am more than a year post radiation and still feel as though I have been through something profound that no one but all of you understand. Our mortality is something we rarely thought about before this and although I am 59, I want to live a long life! My dad is 89 and still alive and my Mom passed at 83, so hoping I can at least make my 80's! Keeping you in my thoughts Percy...this stuff is just the pits! Get some help from the doctor in terms of an AD if you need one...kay? xo

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  • Janet456
    Janet456 Member Posts: 507
    edited July 2014

    Were you diagnosed in November 2013 Percy?  I see that date from when you joined.

    I found I could not relax and lived in fear of my first year check up.  I couldn't bring myself to do anything nice, like book a holiday or anything, because I was convinced that I would just be tempting fate and my whole world would come crashing down again.  However, once the one year check was out of the way and fine things began to fall into place a bit more.

    It's still not been that long for you so give yourself time and be kind to yourself. xxx

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  • farmerlucy
    farmerlucy Member Posts: 3,985
    edited July 2014

    Percy - I too would urge you to address the PTSD. My bro a gynonc was the only one to recognize my symptoms after my dx. He said I needed antianxiety meds, an antidepressant and counseling to pull me out. He also said the longer it goes on the harder it is to come out of it. I am still on the lowest dose of Effexor. I starting feeling much better within a couple of weeks of taking the antidepressant. Think  about it - you could be feeling better in a couple weeks.  You wouldn't have to take it forever, just until the black cloud resolves. I got one on one counseling for free through my church's Stephen Ministry Program. If you want me to find a church in your area that offers a similar program PM me. One of the things my counselor would ask me "Was your life perfect before BC?" "Will it be perfect after BC?"

    Here is a link the the Stephen Minister site https://www.stephenministries.org/stephenministry...

    Here is a link to a small little book that made a world of difference to me http://www.amazon.com/Good-Grief-50th-Anniversary...

    Also check out the books for sale at the Stephen Ministry website. Some may pique your interest.

    A cancer diagnosis shakes us to our core. Recovery is very slow and painful AND hard work. It hasn't been that long since dx for you as others have said. Time WILL lessen the fear, but in the meantime other things can help you cope.

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  • BrooksideVT
    BrooksideVT Member Posts: 2,211
    edited July 2014

    Percy, a bc diagnosis is a terrific shock, as is setting aside all our carefully developed determination to avoid toxic substances, and, suddenly, we're looking at maybe radiation, maybe chemo, maybe antihormonals, maybe other stuff.  I definitely sank right into PTSD during rads.  When I had my three-month rads back-to-real-life followup, the rads NP told me it was PTSD, and that it normally lasted six months.  After six months, she told me it often lasted a year.  For me, it was a year.  I did reluctantly try anti-anxiety meds, and also ritalin, but nothing seemed to do anything for me, but just time.  Oh, and whining on this board.  Here, I can be totally honest; with friends and family, I tend to understate, to "protect" them from my real fears.  Here, everyone is fearful, everyone understands.  Please do keep letting us know how you are doing.  For one thing, it will help you, for another, it will help others who are going through the very same thing.

    Like you, I live alone.  I went through a horrid divorce a year before dx, and was still reeling from that.  Like most of us (all of us?) I am very aware of every new symptom (real or imagined) and bother my MO or PCP with every single concern.  One thing about MO's is that they know we are terrified and, as I've discovered, a large part of their practice is just reassuring us that we are fine.  Have you thought of setting an appointment with your guy?  Or your PCP?  Just for a really thorough lookover, and a review of your personal statistics, just for reassurance.  I suspect that will help. 

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  • savgigi
    savgigi Member Posts: 376
    edited July 2014

    Percy, I am similar to you in that I am single, but I have a very supportive family. I still kept all my emotions inside and it nearly ate me alive. I finally found a support group a couple of months after surgery. I was on an antidepressant for a year and found a good therapist. She told me my depression was situational and I weaned off the antidepressant with her guidance once I felt more stable. The antidepressant just helped even out my emotions so I could deal realistically with daily events. I still deal with fear of the unknown on a daily basis but the future is much brighter than it was this time last year.

    I pray you find a way to get the support you need and that you feel much better soon.

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  • lovestorun
    lovestorun Member Posts: 167
    edited July 2014

    Percy - I am sending you good thoughts and lots of positive energy.  In spades.  You are not alone. 

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  • lane4
    lane4 Member Posts: 175
    edited July 2014

    Percy - I'm sending up prayers for you and will continue to do so! I was once where you are and, like you, I resisted the idea of taking an antidepressant medication. But when I realized how my fear, anger, and depression were affecting my ability to relate to people and live my life, I finally gave in. In a couple of weeks time, I was so much better. I stopped the meds after about a year and a half and have been fine ever since; I just needed help to get over the hump. Please reconsider -- I think a lot of us have had to get help.

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  • farmerlucy
    farmerlucy Member Posts: 3,985
    edited July 2014

    Percy - I also learned about cancercare.org. They apparently provide free over-the-phone counseling. A lady on another thread said she's used them and they were great.

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  • percy4
    percy4 Member Posts: 477
    edited July 2014


    Thank you all so much.  If I didn't have this place to come to, well. it would not be good.  I think that anyone can understand PTSD, or whatever you want to call it, in higher-stage women.  Again; it's great we have our own place here, because we have the fears we have.  It's great that BCO gives each Stage and situation a special place to be.   Thank you, BCO.  Though my life was not going so well in the last 5 years of the recession, anyway, and because of other personal losses, I was kind of at the brink already.  But; being a strong girl, I was holding up.  I held up well all through the diagnosis and treatment. It's just now that it is getting to me that this last thing, the BC, and the not knowing, without having much of a safety net if something more occurs, was really becoming an issue.  And, no; I don't dwell on it.  The fear is just kind of in my cells.  Like; don't plan on anything.  A hard way to live.  When I started crying at commercials, I knew there was something taking me over, a bit.  The problem is I can't afford even short-term therapy.  I do need some help.  I will call my HMO tomorrow.   They have groups, much of the time too broad, but maybe they have one for me.  If not, I might tell them they should start one.  There are certainly enough women who've had BC, and for whom that might feel like the last straw.

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  • percy4
    percy4 Member Posts: 477
    edited July 2014

    1 in 4 Breast Cancer Diagnoses May Spur PTSD – WebMD


    www.webmd.com/breast-cancer/.../1-in-4-breast-cancer-diagnoses-may-spur-ptsd


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  • percy4
    percy4 Member Posts: 477
    edited July 2014

    If I can't find a good short-term talk therapy or group, I will consider the anti-depressants.  I did not want another thing to deal with (the taking, the build-up, the weaning-off).   Also, my primary prescribes me Valium, which I really need for really occasional anxiety, but more importantly as a sleep-restorer (I cannot sleep, with hot-flashes, these last 14 years, most of it through PERImenopause (just had real menopause 2 years ago).  No amount of meditation, hot milk, melatonin, herbs, everything else about sleep, etc., works like a half of a Valium, maybe 3 or 4 times a month.  If I can't sleep, I can't do anything, and I do not overuse it.  I fear they will take that away if I am on an anti-depressant.  I only use the Valium occasionally, as needed, but it really is a good, old drug if not overused.  Still, if I keep crying at commercials I will have to realize I need something else.  I love you ALL!  You save me.

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  • Ariom
    Ariom Member Posts: 6,197
    edited July 2014

    Big hug to you Percy!

    I hope you do find a group, they'd be the better for having you in it!

    I understand your reticence about taking the meds. I am phobic about taking anything, but sometimes we just have to, to get over the hump.

    It sounds like you know what you're doing and are really responsible with the Valium. I had a bad experience with it many years ago after a severe neck injury, but that was after large doses for a long time and I stopped cold turkey, not knowing I should wean off it. Talk about cry, every time I looked at the bedroom curtains, I'd burst into tears.

    I know this is not the same thing that you are experiencing and I don't mean to trivialize it in any way but I find myself crying at commercials and stuff now, that would never move me before. I have never been a crier! Except for that time we call, "Brown Curtains".  I don't feel in any way depressed, in fact, quite the opposite, but anyone who knows me is amused, with this new phenomenon. Just thought I'd mention it. 

    I wish you all the best finding a group or even an individual who you can talk to and I hope you feel better. M x

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  • Mommyathome
    Mommyathome Member Posts: 1,111
    edited July 2014

    Percy,

    You can also talk to a social work for free at a cancer center and they can possibly write a grant to get you financial assistance. It's worth a try....

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  • barbe1958
    barbe1958 Member Posts: 19,757
    edited July 2014

    Percy, besides using a chemical crutch as my emotions were broken - it also helped me to realize that I didn`t have to get OVER my cancer, I just had to get AROUND it. Getting over it implies that you are done and dusted with it. Not true. The fear is always somewhere in your primal brain. It was there before, but now it has seen the bullet that might kill you. It makes it all very real when you actually face a death situation.

    So, I got around it. Baby steps. and it still looms in front of me for scans (just had a brain MRI because something is wrong with my left eye and I have headaches) so where does my brain go....cancer recurrence of course! I`d be a fool if I didn`t consider that. So, we stay vigilant about our health and pay attention to our bodies. We can do that. We can make small changes every couple of days to better our situation - get a library card, go to a local store we never visited - and give ourselves a pat on the back. It`s the little things that will allow you to build up to the big things.

    You are NOT being whiny, by the way, you are being accountable and direct. That is healthy. Denial, moping, refusing good advice, those are things you would have to get over.

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  • mrenee68
    mrenee68 Member Posts: 383
    edited July 2014

    Percy - hang in there we can all relate, you are not alone. I do believe that time will do wonders, but sometimes we need a little help along the way. I understand not wanting the meds, I hate what they do to my body. There is no way someone can get a cancer diagnosis and not come out the other side with some emotional scars. I still find myself afraid to make too many plans just in case I get a new diagnosis. Like right now in 3 weeks I go for my mammogram and check up with my BS, this is causing me to pause and think before I plan any new activities. I know this will get better, with time. Keep posting here seeking the support you need, whining, rants, and life turmoil accepted! Take care.

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  • dhustedde
    dhustedde Member Posts: 29
    edited July 2014

    Percy, I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time. You are in my prayers.  I was just diagnosed and am having my surgery (lumpectomy and SNB) tomorrow. You are not alone!  I know in the past when I felt down and hopeless I saw a counselor and it really helped to talk to someone.  Donna

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