The Husbands Corner(for family, friends, boyfriends, ect.)

Dedicated 77, you sound like an amazingly supportive husband. Your wife is very lucky, and it sounds as though you are fortunate to have her too! Really hoping we get more husbands to chime in. 

Another husband here. I hope I can be supportive to other husbands/partners/fathers/sons/friends in some way. If we males can support each other in some ways, the same as the women on these forums support each other, it may help.

I have read these threads for almost two years now but had not posted under my own Profile until recently, as this is very much a womans' forum and I didn't want to be seen to intrude. However, there is much on here for husbands to read, so I thought I'd join and post. As a male, you'll find that many of the women will find it strange to have a male posting questions. Just accept that and only post questions where really relevant to your needs and you may get some great responses and guidance.

If you are a new male on here looking you will find a wealth of info that may help you understand this very complex and traumatic problem of cancer in breasts of women and sometimes men too. Browsing without posting is invisible and will not upset anyone, yet provide a wealth of details and experiences to read, that may help you to understand what your wife, partner, parent, daughter, sister, or friend is facing or going through. 

The initial waiting for diagnosis is a time when they will need a lot of support as they are incredibly scared. After diagnosis they need support and love in helping them make the most informed decision possible. After surgery etc, they need support and love as times may get tough. Emotions run like a roller coaster, with ups and downs and they are entitled to be affected by these feelings. Just be there for them and please don't shun them or force your feeling too strongly upon them. It is their body and what they decide to do or not do should be largely their decision.

I certainly do not claim to be a saint or perfect hubby, I still get my wife annoyed and frustrated as I did before all this. I'm still a 'bloke'. However, I do feel that in some way husbands and partners need to find out how we can best help before during and after, as it is such a traumatic event. 

My wife and I have for over a decade (before breast cancer) had a joke that: "It's not all about you", but this is one case where it is "all about her", and so it should be.

If I can help, please feel free to PM me.

I'm not in any position to comment as my wife is not on Estrogen blockers. I can appreciate that you are only trying to help the one you love. Those in the medical fields can be very difficult when ill - doctors and nurses don't adapt well to being a patient. I have no advice except to understand that it is likely the hormone fluctuations caused by the blocker pills and additionally the whole process she is going through, are making her very emotional and scaring her.

All you can do is stick by her, she'll appreciate that when she stabilizes. All my best and I hope she will talk to someone. You could seek professional advice too if you felt the need as you've gone through more than you realize as her companion on this journey. You may be able to notify her Doctor (on the quiet) about the mood swings, as it may need a dosage modification and it is important he is aware of the side effects.

Feel free to unload as that is what we are here for. Others may be able to advise better than I through experience with Estrogen Blockers.

Hello, this is Sailman, my wife found these forums when she was diagnosed BRCA1. She had an irregular mammogram after Christmas which they biopsied the first of January. With her family history, they strongly urged her to get the genetic testing, especially since her cousin was also BRCA1. When the results came back, she and I were devastated but determined to gain as much information as possible. She began posting on a regular basis and has become extremely close to a group of women on here. She had a dissectional biopsy and lumpectomy in March. Thankfully, it was benign. We scheduled her bilateral mastectomy for mid April. All came back benign. We were on top of the world. She began the process of scheduling her hysterectomy so that she would beat the odds. Last Tuesday, she had the hysterectomy and the results were not so positive. She was diagnosed with ovarian cancer, serous carcinoma grade 3C, unknown stage. It was in both tubes and both ovaries and was in the cavity wash when they did her surgery. This led them to conclude it had spread to some other part of her body. So, we see a cancer doctor on Friday and will have exploratory surgery one day next week. Her friends on here have been so loving and supportive and I am so thankful for them. I know this is a BC forum, but at this point, cancer is cancer, and we all have to support each other. I look forward to being here and know that we can all help each other through this.

oddduck-  I guess my biggest fear is that during her surgery the doctor will find that it is spread to much to treat.  He thinks that we found out early and he will be able to remove any more cancer that might have spread but what if he is wrong.  the other worries would be about chemo I do not know what to expect.  All I know is that she will lose her hair and it will make her sick and he said she would start a 6 month chemo treatment about 4 weeks after her surgery.  So will she be sick for 6 months?  How sick?  what to do for her then?  But I try to stay focused on one thing at a time and right now that will be the apt. Friday and surgery next week Monday I think.  She is doing so good and staying positive and I will be there for her every step of the way.

Sailman-  First remember to take some deep breaths and stop and clear your own head sometimes. Next try not to ever get too far ahead of yourself. One thing I wish I had been prepared for is the extreme highs and lows of the situation. It's never wrong to hope for the good news-and remember that when all the info is there usually the good thing about Drs is that they can come up with a treatment plan for almost everything these days. Take it a step at a time cause that is what it's all about-continuing to put one foot in front of the other. In the beginning what helped me was too be super organized. I got a small calendar book for writing appts, recording events, etc. Plus a small blank notebook to write all kinds of stuff down. Questions to ask various Drs., etc. Later when we did start chemo and it seemed I was juggling all these meds to be given and stuff I wrote it down cause it helped me remember.  The other thing-nobody can really predict with chemo how anybody is going to react, or what SE's, etc. It was somewhat predicted that my husband would do OK with chemo as he has no other health problems (boy, we all couldn't have been more wrong about that thought). I read about people on these boards that take or have taken the same chemo and continue to work, take care of kids, etc. That was not our case. But not all days are bad. It is an up and down cycle.  Right now you are doing the best thing possible- YOU are with her on this journey so she is not alone. Hang in there and I will be thinking of you both and wishing for the best news you can get given the situation. Which believe me I know sucks. Totally.

Well it is good to be positive but it's sure normal to have fears too, when you love someone and can't imagine losing them. You can't always stop all the thoughts that go zipping through your head. And the loss of control. I mean, when someone you love is hurting (both physically and mentally) and what you can do is limited, especially when you are waiting for answers it makes it worse. It adds up. I couldn't help thinking at times watching what my husband has been through that it would be easier if it was me. But it is what it is. There was a discussion forum going on a few weeks ago about 'being positive' that I agreed with and just struck a nerve. It had to do with that if you are 'positive' and have the right 'attitude' it helps the cure, etc. Well sometimes you need the mad face not the happy face. It is a battle and real fight and I like your thought's about kicking cancer's ass. Cancer is evil. I know about good and bad feelings and sometimes you have to let them out, but not always to your spouse. I know your wife is active here but I hope you won't hesitate to let out what you need to. It does help. Hang in there.

I have not told her how worried and scared I am about all this.  I want her to focus on herself and not me.  I try to be positive and optimistic.  My sister came up to stay with us a while.  She was a paramedic and her Husband is a colon cancer survivor. She will go to the Dr apt. with us she to help us ask questions we would not think about. She will also be able to stay for a while after my wife comes home and help out so that I can go to work.  

We did not really get any new news from doc.  Just talked about the exploratory surgery Monday.  He told us that he would remove any cancer he could see or feel and that it would probably last 4 hours.  Also talked about her chemo would start 4 weeks after and she would do the chemo treatments every week for 6 months.  So I am looking forward to Monday because that is when we get to fight back.  We will kick this and ready to start fight.

Sailman, so pleased to hear that. I hadn't posted anything as I didn't have anything more to add until this point. Give your beloved wife our best and pass on that we're thinking of her.

That is a major battle won, now you need to win the War, as you said. I'm typing this with tears of joy welling in my eyes just thinking of how you must feel, after what you both have gone through. You both must feel so pleased and relieved with the result.

We're thinking of you both and please keep us informed of progress.

Sailman- I was very glad and relieved to see your news! I was thinking about you both yesterday but have not had a chance to check until we got home today. We managed to complete the #2 Abraxane but it was touch and go for a little while as my heart sank when the nurse at infusion handed me the lab results. Not good results, but close enough for the MO to OK the chemo. I was so afraid we would have to postpone again. Now of course I get to worry about his WBC's crashing so I need to watch like a hawk. (How many times can I stick the thermometer in his ear before he really tells me where to stick it? hmm I may find out.)  You are right about the many battles in this war. Gotta get those victories one at a time. I hope she is able to get home quickly (the hospital is no place to get any rest and feel better) and heal up. It's normal to want to get the chemo started-it makes you feel like you are finally fighting the evil stupid cancer. As caregivers, spouses, whatever, we have a big job to do. I agree with you it helps to get out how you're feeling and the support from others in our shoes means a lot.

Niloc-I gather that your wife is doing well and I am glad for you. But I'm sure you never forget the fear you have while you are waiting for answers. 

I hope we also hear from others in our position. I know they are out there.

Sailman- I so wish the news had been better for you and your wife. Wishing her a good recovery from surgery so she is ready for chemo. It can be tough but everyone can react so differently. My prayers are that she will get through the chemo without problems. I have certainly been learning a lot about chemo for BC-don't know how different hers will be. Hang in there. For the first few months when I would wake up in the morning I would wish this was all just a bad nightmare, but that doesn't happen much anymore. It's just too real now I guess. We have no family close by either, although our youngest son just moved back to this state he is still 4 hours away. I think his decision to move was effected by what his Dad is going through. Hang in there and know I am thinking about you. You have it very tough with working and having a young child. Ours are all grown and any thoughts I had about returning to work (I'm a RN) are gone. I had not been working much anyway the last couple years as my mother who lived in another state was declining and I was needed to fly there for long periods but she died this past August. Not sure I was really OK from all of that when this came up with my husband. Oh, well. One day at a time, one treatment at a time.

Hello, all you good people. I just wanted to say to you all, that i have been a caretaker for a close friend with another type of cancer, and now ive had it myself. And i cant really tell you which one is the harder to do. but i do suspect that it is harder to be the one who is loving the one who has cancer. i have been with my man for 15 years, and he is a pretty darn good one. it was through him that i met the woman i took care of, they were friends when i met him. it took a year or two, but her and i became extraordinary friends, and so i was counting myself as very blessed to have two wonderful people who actually put up with me, and showered me with affection! they would seek me out and not avoid me! i love them both dearly, although my friend did pass, i think of her often, and that her friendship was rare and good, and i miss her.

my man not only is experiencing 'my' cancer with me, he did also experience hers with me and with her. He saw what taking care of her and loving her did to me, and he suffered as well to see what happened with her. he is the one that has experienced the stresses of being a caretaker twice now.

and i would not wish it on anyone, to be the caretaker. even tho treatment and living with the knowledge of cancer being in me is hard, i do think it is harder being a almost helpless participant/caretaker.

please please please remember to take very good care of yourselves. i did not, and i was quite worn out, with my friend, and my relationship suffered with my man then. he was begging me to take a break and get some more help with her, but i was obstinate about that until i really almost broke down, when i finally did get some help, hospice, and just some people to sit with her, students and a few retired women. and they were awesome. she had brain mets, so she really could not be left alone, but she wanted to die at home, and stay with her dog until the end. She was way more gracefull than i was! she never complained, and i only saw her cry a couple of times, heartbreaking. all i could do was hold her and kiss her.

please: remember to take breaks from her for a short while each day, go for a walk and promise yourself to breath, and think about other things, things that make YOU happy. and if you start thinking about everything, try to stop. it is like a mental health break. 

if you have a good friend who is not involved too closely with her, go and spend time talking with them, about her, or you, or them, it doesn't matter, as long as it is just different from what has become your 'usual'.

even if you havent ever really indulged in tubs, take one! and just think about the water, and the fragrance of the soap, and how good the water feels, and the sound it makes as you splash around a bit. it does wonders.

there are many other things like that to do, but all i am trying to say is: take care of YOU. you are her and your own self's most important and precious resource. And if you are tapped out, it is no good for anyone. You will not realize till much much later how exhausting it was, and how deeply it did affect you. 

and just keep loving them up! that is what your 'Real job' is! 

i think you guys are doing great, and i am so sorry that you guys are finding yourselves here.

"murderously angry sometimes" kathec? Holy smokes. 

At age 45, my wife is premenopausal and about to start her hormone therapy in conjunction with ovarian suppression shots. She's fairly chill, but sometimes I wonder what's in store for me. I just brought home a battery of Yoga videos from the library (lol) and looking into other ways to make sure she remains her chill vibe, as it's definitely one of her redeeming qualities.