Starting Chemo in December 2013
Comments
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Holli - I am so sorry you are going through this. I hope the doctor can shed some light. Sending healing thoughts and prayers your way.
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Holli and Chico - Ouch!! To both of those rad pictures...hoping you both get some relief and answers!
YAY - how nice to be going home Kimie!!
Jbok - congrats on being "de-ported!" I've got a love/hate relationship with mine.
So jealous of DJ and Oranje - want to do some water sports...Laps in my pool would be nice. I am not finding I have all that much energy to exercise and I know that is a vicious cycle. I need to lose the 20 lbs I have gained since January. I still had 7 lbs to lose prior to that. So frustrating.
Kim and Holli - BRCA negative news is great! For you and your loved ones!
Kim - how exciting to meet your brother!
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yes. Wedding is June 29! I am all set to wear my dress now! Come on hair...just another 1/8 " would be appreciated!!
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holli, let us know what the Dic says about your skin
Jodi, grow hair grow!
I have been very emotional yesterday and today. Feeling overwhelmed. I look & feel pretty good & I think it lulls people into thinking that everything is as usual. But spending 2 hrs a day every day on radiation is not part of my usual schedule. Feel like I'm running ragged. Even my husband doesn't seem to get it. It doesn't help that I've got extra workload & spending a lot of time trying to find someone to hire (and that's not something that I can ask for someone else's help on). I think things should get less crazy by about mid July. Have to hold onto my sanity till then. And find time to take a nap.
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oranje, I remember feeling the same way when I was towards the end of my rads. I think I am just now getting back to feeling good inside and out! I hope Tamoxifen doesn't jinx that for me. One thing is for certain, my relationship with my family has grown stronger, even though they don't really get what I'm going through, they support me and do the best they can. I guess it takes some soul searching and time to get to a place where you are at peace with what you've been through...only you can do that. My expectations of myself are in question right now, more than my expectations of others. You'll get there; give yourself the time and space you need. I hope you feel better soon!
I would like there to be some integrated after-cancer 'therapy' instead of, "here-let me prescribe an anti-depressant for you!" ...and, taking Tamoxifen, that is not even possible with some a.d. drugs.
((HUGS))
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oranje- Deep breaths sister
Other people ( we need a name for "them"..like muggels!) basic late from pittying us it prentending line everything is normal.
Don't be shy about putting your hands up and saying " enough! I need you to..." ( even if it's .."shut up a friggn minute!" ). You have earned the right to tell people what you need!
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chicopeach and Holli, wow that looks painful. I just started to get some more pinkness, like a mild sunburn above my clavicle. The end of my ALND incision is starting to get tender, the part nearest the breast. Today the RT tech said time to start Aquaphor on any tender areas. I came home and tried the California Baby because I have a business meeting with dinner at 5 PM and do not want to be greasy. Amazing just a small application of the CB feels better over the incision. I also rubbed some into the pink area of collar bone. I think I will use some more tonight.
My office manager thinks I should be back on a full schedule since I am only getting RT now. UMMMM ONLY!! I told her I would go full schedule when I was good and ready to do it.
JB- your wedding is coming up very soon. Nice that they are delaying the RT for you to be full bosomed in your wedding gown.
Oranje- I can not imagine the stress of job hunting while you are going through all this. Best of luck finding something which I hope is tremendous.
Keep healing ladies
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Holli and Chico - Oh man that hurts! I'm sorry.
Kimmie, YAY Home for you.
Barbara, people can be so ignorant. Go back to fulltime when your ready. This week I'm starting to get tired from the rads.
Oranje, I'm right there with you. I was just getting ready to curl up in a ball and cry. Now that I have energy back it seems I have the energy for the emotions to really hit. When I was camping this weekend I snuck off while everyone was around the camp fire and went for a walk and sat by the river and cried. It just hit that the river was so beautiful, the firefly's were the most amazing I've ever seen and that I'm here to see it and the weight of the last year hit WABAM! and I'm still reeling. The friend that I told you guys about in February that was jealous of attention my friends were giving me. She was there. I have distanced myself since that incident but she still comes out with my group every once in a while and I take the high road and am nice and act like nothing ever happened. She was clearly upset this weekend when my friends would check on me while kayaking and making sure I was eating (my appetite still sucks). When someone would ask me how I was doing, she would smart ass say "I'm fine too". When someone else said that I look beautiful, she turned her back in disgust. I could go on with the examples. Then she said the cruelest thing anyone has ever said to me, acting like she was joking. "I am so sick of your breast cancer and you using the breast cancer card, I am done with your cancer." Isn't that nice, that she's done with my breast cancer. I wish I could be. You'll be happy to know that she is now well aware of what an insensitive cruel bitch she is.
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GO DJ!!! How friggin' unbelievable.....
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the ocean was so beautiful. I just cried when I first got here. It's what I would imagine when trying to relax or meditate during chemo or during a "panic" attack during this awful winter. The cold water just woke up my senses.when watching the water these past few days I would imagine the waves bringing in strength and washing away any possible remaining cancer cells. I appreciate so much, it makes me emotional. I have kept up on all of your posts but haven't posted much and there is too much to comment on although you are all in my thoughts. It was a great break but back to reality tomorrow for #9. Here are some pics. My hair, lashes and eyebrows are growing!!! But so is the facial hair...I see what you all mean...I am just behind.
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Lisa, awesome pictures!! Your hair is there, looks soft!
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Lisa, sounds like your vacation has been wonderful to clear your head. Your hair is in the velvet stage, so soft and white. Mine is finally filling in some more and there are some darker areas starting, not sure if will be a dark gray or my old brown returning. Still going to have a LOT of white in it. If only the top would fill in......
Remember there is an end in sight.
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Djj- I hope you tell your 'friend' to Fuck off. Sheesh! Obviously she has issues to deal with but not your burden right now.
Lisa/ the ocean is a magical place for healing, mediating and comtemplating. Glad you enjoyed!
I had my first plane ride today since flying home from Australia in November. I put on my compression sleeve and flew to Denver. Only I landed in Amarillo! Bad weather diverted us for a long while. I'm tired but accomplished! Wish me luck...I am interviewing for a job within my own company. I basically lost mine when I was DX and had to leave Australia.
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I have got to start this post of with DJJ did you hit the bitch on the head with the kayak paddle?
Holli & Chico - I sure hope this looks worse than it feels. Sorry ladies.
Lisa - Glad you were able to take a trip to a place that brings you so much peace.
Jbokland - Sending hair prayers your way. We all need Robin's hair genes.
Kim
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DJJ- this is not a tv show....you can not leave us with that cliffhanger!!!!! You know us now- we are all nosey about each other lol! Scoop!!!! What did you say or who told her off?!?
"I am so over your breast cancer"- I so over your attitude! I am so sorry my BC has caused you such pain as in not being the center of attention. Your attitude has caused me pain- a pain in my arse! Grrr!
Lisa- we are twins. I am still not showing any color hair. Eyebrows are coming in more, but I find myself looking in the mirror everyday waiting for a 5 o'clock shadow. Today was exactly 5 weeks PFC. I need to just be patient.
Holli- What did dr say! Did he order you some rx lotion or something!
Had a fun afternoon:). My bF from college came to the apt with her three kids. She lives in Houston. All of the kids swam whole we visited and then we went to grab some dinner. First time I felt normal in this town. Although she had lots of questions, we mostly talked about the kids and old friends. When I did talk about some harder times during this, she would say I was gonna make her cry. It was sweet, but I wasn't emotional when I spoke just matter of fact........OH NO!!! I TURNED INTO SHELDON! I made fun of my MO for being like Sheldon with no emotion just specifics and my how the table has turned!
You know it is a hell of a lot easier to answer it all matter of fact then express "how did that make you feel". And that is ok! Sometimes I just want to say it- not feel it. Yes, I have bc, yes it sucks, yes I have been dealing with this since Nov, yes there is still a long road ahead. What else;). Oh- no this isn't my hair, I am still bald and yes that annoys me to no earthly end!!
Hugs ladies:)
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Holli - yowza, that looks painful. what magic tricks did your RO pull out today to help you? something amazing, I hope.
chico - glad you are feeling a little better. that red still looks so tender. are you nearly done?
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DJ, where is she so we can beat her up! Wow, does she have some issues!
Lisa, love the pics and the beach.
Jbok, sending good vibes your way.
Jodi, I know what you mean, I can talk about the cancer without getting emotional until someone asks how my kids are handling it. Glad you had fun with your friend.
My biggest fear isn't that I will get cancer again, it is that my loved ones will have to see me die of cancer. That will break my heart.
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DJJ- I would love to think that I could take the high road as admirably as you did but I just don't know. That is an unbelievable story and I am so sorry you had to endure that.
jbokland - hope your interview goes well. Best wishes!
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djj please tell me she has Facebook or an email you can share so I can start haunting her and mak her life miserable.. What a fucking bitch... Wow... I would have pushed her in the River and then let on I never seen her.... Did I just say that out loud. LolI am also having very emotional Moments.. I am starting to grieve more over the loss of my brother... I cry.. I talk to him... He often gives me signs.. Crazy ones... I know he is with me..
Today ladies.. I am done... Done the rads... Done with this shit show...
Now what......
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Vent coming...
I would just like something to go smoothly. Was feeling good heading in for my Herceptin infusion. Still feel pretty good, but....my port is not working correctly. So now I am hooked up to an IV, getting a rushed infusion so I can make my rads appointment 45 minutes away. I also have to get a port study done to check for a clot. Frustrated,,,,,,
Would happily trade in my hair for a smoother ride...
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wonder how my port will do when I get the first monthly routine port flush in 2 weeks. Robyn sorry yours is clogged. Did they put any thrombolytic in it, or are they waiting for the port study. At our center I think they just get an order form the Oncologist for the Activase and inject it and wait a hour or two.
Kim so happy for you being done, Love the photos, hope you underarm is not sore, the rest looks like it did well.
After tomorrows dose I will be half way done. Yippee
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They were able to do a saline push, just no blood return. They did 4 doses of Heparin, had me lie down, turned me on my side, put my arm over my head...no luck. I was there for 3 hours. I had to have a port study done the first time they tried to access it. Hoping it works when they do the study, like it did last time. Wondering if 3 weeks is just too long of a time between treatments for me. Will ask about more frequent flushes if they get it working. I do not want another one if this is bad. I really have nowhere for it to go, unless it is right back in the same spot. They better put me under too...I am NOT a good office surgical patient.
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Robyn, I'm sorry, ports suck. How are you feeling on the Herceptin these days? Are you every 3 weeks now?
Kimie, Yay! Now you just take a deep breath and enjoy your family. Yes she is the on FB. A friend of mine already took a smart ass stab. You saw that post.
I waited until I calmed down to react. I was afraid if I let it out at the time it would get messy. The kind of messy where I end up in jail :-) She's not worth that. I look horrible in orange.
I told her:
"I can assure you that I am done with my cancer as well. Unfortunately I don’t have a choice but to deal with it. I may be done with the hardest part of treatment but I am still in the thick of it and still have to deal with treatment until January and now that I’m feeling good I have the energy to deal with the emotions of it all and I can tell you that this part is turning out to be just as hard as chemo.
I can’t tell you how much it means to me that my friends are showing concern during such a shit time in my life and how hurtful it is that this upsets you. I feel that I need to point out to you, I am not nor have I ever used my breast cancer to get attention from other people. I would give anything to not have to have people asking me about my well-being, you can’t even imagine. I will NOT be made to feel bad about people showing concern for me.
I have never had anybody say such a hurtful thing to me. You are a mean, insecure and unhappy woman and you are no longer welcome in my life."
End quote
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Robin, halfway through my taxol my port would not give blood return, stuff would go in but nothing out and I was sent for testing. It showed that the line was pressed against the wall of the vessel and I could have had it out that day but it was Good Friday and I had to get to the office before they closed for my shot. I elected to keep it in and have my last 2 taxol done through an IV then had my port out when I had surgery 3 weeks ago. It is frustrating but for me the port was for the AC, my veins are good for blood draws so it was not a problem but I hear ya....sometimes you just want something to go smoothly...I also elected to have the taxol via the IV because my anxiety issues had me believing that the burning sensation I felt after the previous tx was due to the taxal being "shot" right up against the vein wall and I envisioned it burning a hole in my vein...but that is how my anxiety issues work on overload.
Back to the surgeon for the 3rd time however it was not the charm....still got my drain which to me is ok because I didn't want it out until I am draining less fluid. It is down from the 140-160m to 60-90m and he said he will take it out next week but my appt isn't until July 2nd so fingers crossed that by then I will be draining the 20-30 like they want. Then I should be on my way to rads shortly after that...I really want to be done with that before Sept 8 when we are going to the campground while my house gets tented for termites....maybe I will be able to enjoy the pool since I will miss the beach this summer.
September...wow....did I really say that??? I found my lump in October....where did the year go??? I just know that this year I won't be worried about a lump on my birthday, won't be announcing I have cancer for Thanksgiving and I will be decorating the house from top to bottom for Christmas...not just the single little white tree with pink ribbons....sipping an adult beverage on New years and just plain loving life again!!!! Ladies our journeys are really coming full circle.....NOW GIVE ME A HEAD OF HAIR...LONG BEAUTIFUL HAIR...LOL
Char
Oh and I forgot who it is that posted the picture of their black burn but Lord I am praying for you that it isn't as painful as it looks and I pray your doctors were able to do something for you to help you!!!!
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My port is love/hate. I have horrible veins, they are small and blow frequently. We were able to get my Herceptin done, but it was touch and go as the machine kept stopping and beeping. It is every three weeks now, finally, but I am thinking for my port that is not a good thing. Unfortunately, I need the port until the end of next January. This sucks and I need an Ativan, but I do not want to take one.
DJ, I love how you handled it! I don't think I would have been so calm in my response.
Charusa, those are wonderful things to look forward to. It is difficult to digest that September will be a year. "Shining, gleaming, streamin', flaxen, waxen...." Drains stink, but serve an important purpose. Sounds like your output numbers are getting close!
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DJJ, I can't believe your (ex)friend. Wow. I wonder how your other friends can stand to be around her!
Robin, sorry to hear of your port woes. I'm crossing fingers that things keep going well with my port. So far, no problems (and I too need to keep it till December). Count me in those jealous of your hair. Actually using a product or styling my hair seems so far off . . .
I am feeling better after taking some deep breaths and the afternoon off yesterday. My girls were in a swim meet, and did great. It's really fun to watch them - they are growing and improving so fast. My older daughter took first in butterfly. She is 9, and she has now officially surpassed my butterfly ability (and I was a competitive swimmer in high school!). My younger daughter got a first in breaststroke, 8&unders, and she is only 6. She has two more summers after this one to swim in this age group. I love the summer swim meet vibe. Lots of young kids in their first meet - and everyone cheers when they finish.
Sorry to be confusing, I'm not looking for a job, I'm actually looking to hire someone. My boss is being promoted, I'm taking her old job - and I'm still doing my job too. Not really up to doing 2 fulltime jobs during radiation! But I don't really have an alternative for the moment. Sometimes people really do forget what else I am going through at this moment. If someone starts pressuring me about a deadline I just drop a reference like "I'll see how far I get on your project after I'm back from the hospital" and generally, that's all it takes
. It's just not "me" to not meet deadlines so mostly what bothers me is not living up to my own expectations of myself. -
Djj......I hope and pray your ex-friend NEVER has to deal with cancer or have a family member get it....i pity her and her pathetic, jealous reaction to you and to cancer in general. Friends like that need to be eliminated in your life and just surround yourself with those that love and support you. She will find herself awfully lonely if something ever happens to her. I love your pictures, and love your smile. I admire your energy!!
Jbokland, can't wait to see wedding pictures!
Kim.....so freakin happy for you!!
Port problems are a drag....they had to use the clot buster drug on me once.....seemed to do the job but the shot itself was $5000 bucks! Thank God for insurance! I plan on keeping mine in till probably next year as well.
Orange, take care of yourself and don't stress out too much over the job and trying to do two things at once. Delegate things out and remember things will eventually always get done.
Charusa, my axillairy (sp?) drain took a month before it could come out. Hang in there!
Holli, i hope you are healing .............praying for you.
And to everybody else......I read all your posts but can't remember to comment on all of them, just know you are all in my thoughts and prayers every single day.
I don't know what is wrong with me, but i'm just a weepy mess this week. I've been finding myself in bed usually by 7 at night.....my butt hurts, my whole body hurts, radiation is kicking my ass. I'm starting to burn on my front and my back. Today was number 17, half way done. I just almost start crying each day when i get in my car to go to radiation.....i hate it. Instead, i put on a smile and struggle through it.
I'm tired of being alone.....i'll just let this out there....my fiance is in prison and was just denied parole again. It's a very long story and to make a long story short, he is a good man that made a horrible choice and is paying for that choice with each day he is in there. I had hired a new attorney and really thought this would be the year, but now we wait again another year. Could be part of my stress and tears this week.
i'm off to try and find some sleep. If the person outside my window revving his motorcycle engine doesn't stop soon i may find myself in beside John!!! ha!
Good Night all....thanks for being such an amazing group of women.
Michelle
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Funny thing happen yesterday when Alli and I went to get a pedi. We went to a different Asian Salon and when I sat down the Asian lady said "You have big ears..... big ears means long life... You have big ears, why's your hair so short? You very pretty... Obama has big ears." Okay I could go on for days, it was actually funny. Hey if the Asian's say that I will live a long life due to my big ears, it must be true.
Kimmie - I am so happy that you are finished with treatment and my heart goes out to you right now. I do think that the emotional healing really comes after treatment. For me, that has been the case. According to all the books that I have been reading so far, emotional healing is as important as our physical healing.
Robin - Maybe they need to flush your port every 2 weeks. That is what the infusion center told me. If I were to have kept my port they wanted me in every 2 weeks, as 3 weeks is pushing it.
Char - Sending a hug your way.
Oranje - This is the older sister in my telling you..... Your health comes first! There is no job in the world that is worth more than your health.
Michelle - I am sorry about your boyfriend. It has got to be hard having a loved one locked up. I am not saying this to be funny or snide, I really mean it. I like your pic on fb, your hair is coming in.... My hair is so straight that it doesn't even move in the wind. I told my DH that now is the time for me to take those rides in his convertible.
DJJ - It amazes me that some people cannot mature beyond high school. I actually feel sorry for the miserable bitch.
Have a great day. Hugs to you all.
Kim
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Happened, not happen. LOL
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