Starting Chemo in December 2013

kjfromca

Char - You are good at putting your emotions to words.  Thanks for the words of encouragement.  I too see things with clearer eyes.  I have two girlfriends who are dealing with some hard times right now, not bc, but I feel like when they talk to me, I really care about their situation.  Maybe I was really self centered before bc and didn't even realize it. 

I have to say that I am really loving my new brother, he is funny and sweet.  I joke and say that I am the new puppy in the family... all cute and wonderful until it shits all over the house.  For those of you in Arizona, I have relatives that I will be meeting in Oct.... I will be headed your way and would love to get together for coffee or something.  I don't have all the details yet.

Jbokland - You look great with the platinum hair.  You are going to look so beautiful on your wedding day.  I am excited for you.

Jodi - Although I haven't met you in person, I can tell that you would be one awesome women to have as a friend.  You have such a spunky and fun personality..... Don't ever let bc take that from you.

Holli & Chico - Ouch.  

Michelle - That picture is a great statement that bc cannot take away our beauty.

Off to my walk and wishing you all a blessed week.

Kim

Lisaj514

I second what robin said. Awesome ladies right here! We are from all over the country...how amazing would it be to meet one day. A December chemo 2013 (or there abouts) reunion! I love the humor, intelligence, spunk, comradery, motivation, honesty, energy and support that I/we get here. Everyone contributes something in their own way. We should do a beauties of breast cancer calendar, we have a good start with all the pictures that have been posted. Thank you beautiful ladies. 

jbokland

That's it!  I'm sharing my most intimate pic.    I hope it's not too much, forgive me if it is, but I feel like it's a safe place to share. ( where else would we discuss our bowel habits?) I was not aware my partner was shooting this of me while doing my arm exercises.  She did that after I was telling her that I felt like a Frankenstein monster, not recognizing who I am and my confidence was gone, feeling quite weepy.  She wanted me to know she thought I was beautiful. I call this Naked Truth. 

missy6758703

I call it absolutely beautiful. 

Lisaj514

ahh you girls with the big boobs, faux or real. Have always been jealous... Now I'm not sure what I think about breast size anymore. (Sorry hope your not offended by me saying that) We are never happy are we. I keep thinking..how can so much be going on in this little boob! A b cup before, now even smaller after the lx. Would have always loved to be a C cup before... Now... I don't even know. Continue to need my padded push up bras, looking forward to going back to them once rads are over and I heal. I know the treated one will be firmer and lifted due to rads...kind of "like it never grew up" I had one woman tell me who had lx and rads. That means my R one will still be saggy and smushy. You lumpies know what I'm talking about. I applaud you girls that can take pictures of yourselves with your new faux breasts but then again we are so used to showing them, big or small, that it is no big deal anymore. Just whip open the gown and say see here, this is what is going on, this is what breast cancer did to me. Thanks for listening and letting me express myself regarding the big boob little boob issues. It doesn't really matter anymore does it, as long as we are healed

jbokland

lol.  I was DDD before this ( I'm 5'2") and looking forward to becoming a C.  TEs are over inflated and appear much bigger that the end product!   I wanted to go B but PS politely informed me my butt needed at least a C for balance!

missy6758703

My right side is much smaller now than my left side due to the TE in it.....I was always a good, solid C cup before and that is what i want to be at when its all over.  Right now my left must be at least a D! I'm not a small, petite person so a C cup on me is pretty average.  Big boobs, Little boobs, they are what they are!!!   All i know is they are a pain in my ass right now! ha!

oranje_mama

Jodi, Char, Holli and others who posted about this being the hard part - yep - for some others it may be more "over" than it is for us.  So hard to be in this intense treatment for so long.  Trying to live life as normally as possible, but sometimes I just don't feel like it!  I am very goal oriented and identify with all of you who has their last day of rads seared into the brain.  Just gotta make it through.  

I really lost it today in rads.  I'm in the prone position, and when I went for simulation, I was placed in an awkward position with both of my hand grips (left and right arm) on the left side.  They said this was because I was tall/long arms (made sense to me).  It was awkward and somewhat uncomfortable but I'm lying on a wooden board with one boob smushed on a board to the left and the other hanging down.  Of course I was uncomfortable, expected that.

For the past 2 weeks, I get positioned every day by techs who are not the same one as did the simulation.  The way they position me is ever so slightly different to the point that I can only hold my right arm peg with 2-3 fingers, while in the simulation I had more of a grip.  If I have to hold the position for a very long time (for example when getting films) my fingers slip off.  I told the techs the first week that I was having trouble keeping the grip & they said it didn't matter, it was fine.  Then last week during films my grip slipped completely.  I told them, they said, yes, they can see it, doesn't matter, it's fine.  Then today, slightly different constellation of techs in the room.  Often they ask why my right arm peg is on the left side (as if I'm the one who decided to put it there?!!).  They told me today that I needed to hold the grip because if I slip my arm moves and then the radiation treatment is not lined up where it should be.  HELLOOOOOOOOOOOOOO?!!  I had told them at least 5X previously that I had trouble holding the grip!  Suddenly today it *is* a problem when all of the other times, not a problem.  What? I got really upset and started crying.  Then, they said, no, really, actually it doesn't matter, and they moved the right arm peg to the right side.

Sorry, but now I've lost all confidence that I'm being positioned the right way.  I said I wanted to speak to the doctor, and they said today she's not in.  I said, fine, I will call or email her.  They would not give me her email.  I asked the front desk how to contact the doctor, and she said I could call. Got into my car & immediately called and who answers?  The freaking woman I *just* talked to at the front desk!  Now she says that she will send an email to the doctor telling her that I called.  I said I wanted to talk to the doc before my next treatment - her answer - oh, I don't know if that's possible.  

I'm raging mad.  Thinking of causing a scene in the waiting room if I don't get to see the doctor before my treatment tomorrow.

keepthefaith

Great pictures ladies!!! Thanks for sharing. 

Holli, chico, I hope you find something to help you heal quickly.

kim, happy for you and your brother! 

The rest of you finishing up treatment, hang in there.  

Lopsided, yes...Leftie has always been bigger anyway; now, it is more noticeable. I ponder on surgery, but I guess that may come later, if at all. For right now, I don't want to deal with it. 

I went to my first work appt w/o my wig today. I have my photo on my email and business cards, etc. I think my client was surprised after I handed him my card. It was our first meeting face to face. He commented that it didn't look like me. I told him I had just been through chemo and he was very sympathetic... I guess it's one step closer. 

I find that I am less and less focused on my BC. I think I have come to terms with it and am no longer surprised when I wake up and realize I have bc. It's very liberating. I am feeling better each day, physically and emotionally. A big thanks to all of you for being there for me. Looking back, it feels like a lifetime ago...I worry less, I pray more. I stress less, I play  more. LIFE is GOOD!

((HUGS))

keepthefaith

oranje, gheez, I would be upset, too! So sorry you are having to deal with this. I hope you get it resolved soon.

jbokland

my Left is 800cc to prep for rad...Right is 700.  However, on July second they will both be deflated down to 250 for rads.  God knows what that will look like but I hope it elevates this ridiculous pressure I've had for the last 6 months.  I describe them to others as having the tension of soccer balls!

RHGSR

Oranje- I'd be pissed too. Have you heard back from the doc yet ? 

Jbokland - what a gorgeous pic and a great expression of love from your partner. 

Anyone ever heard of the comedian Anita Renfro? She was at a conference I attended the weekend before my infamous mammogram. She talked about big busted women (which she wS and myself as well ) and how things aren't dry under there from March to October. She said she had found a solution ,Then she pulled a "sham-wow" out from the top of her shirt. Ha ha. All this talk about big boobs made me think of that. 

Switching to boosts on Thursdsy. Hopefully my under arm burns will get a rest. 

Holli

RHGSR

I got this idea from someone else on these boards. They painted their fingernails like this.  

I Had to think of a way to motivate myself to go to radiation today and expose my raw skin to the invisible rays that are going to keep burning. Have to have fun with this or I'll fall apart. All the staff at radiation loved it!!

RobinLK

We need like and dislike buttons on these threads!!

Oranje - that doc better call... Absolutely ridiculous and inexcusable. 

Holli - LOVE the toes!!

Jbok - beautiful photo! 

Keepthefaith - can't wait to fully arrive where you are in your journey! I get there at random times, just need to "stick the landing!"

jbokland

Love the toenails!!!!!

Lisaj514

jb, lol that made me smile...boobs to match the butt

Michelle, yup a pain in the ass is right! More lol!

Oranje, totally understandable. To most if them you are just a patient and "the next treatment". Get your answers ASAP, I agree. We need to question and advocate for ourselves and keep doing it. When us BC.org women get pissed, and need answers...watch out. I also seem to be in a slightly diff position on some days. Some days my head is pressed up firmly against the top of the mold, and then they tell me to move up a smidge, but I can't so they slide me a fraction of an inch and the top of my head is pressed. Other days I seem to be rolled slightly sideways. There are 2 girls in there and they both have to agree on the placement according to the computer screen in the room before starting. My rads are only 20-22 seconds each for 2 fields. They say it varies depending on the temp of the machine and air inside that day..really? Any one else hear this?

Love the toe nails holli, will have to try that! Nice to get a reaction from the staff. This rad treatment is sooo tedious. Good luck with your boosts. How many are you having?

Each day they ask me who I am, dob and area treated and 2 girls (rad therapists) have to be there and confirm that I'm the person that is up on the screen in the treatment room. Good no more mistakes I guess. But some days I just don't want to be me...so one day I was Angelina Jolie, today I was Robin Roberts, one day I told them I wanted to be them and on the other side of the table. I think tomorrow I will be Cheryl crow, then Olivia Newton John, then Hoda Kotb, then Wanda Sykes, then Melissa Ethridge, then Christina Applegate, Cokie roberts, Carly Simon, Peggy Fleming, there's lots more.... I certainly have enough people to fill in the next 24 days of rads. 

RHGSR

Lisa- I hear that when I mention the sounds are longer or shorter. They have told me it has to do with temperature, etc. same as what they told you. I get X-rays once a week too. They say to ensure nothing internally has shifted. I love the facility where I go. They also have 2 techs who check everything together. 

aff

holli - love the toes!

jbokland - gorgeous!

orange - unbelievable! hope it all works out. 

keepthefaith - I can't wait to be able to look back. A few minutes ago my husband asked me if there was anything I needed. I responded with "to feel normal again"

I went to a "school's out" party with my kids the other night. It felt great to be out. I am 2 weeks and 3 days post umx w/DIEP reconstruction. I ran into an old friend. She was so glad I was out so soon and commented that I must be so happy to be done. I responded that I wasn't done and still have radiation ahead of me. Her response was that "radiation is nothing" and that I must be so happy to be able to put this behind me. I was going to try to explain to her that I'm really not in a place where I can put this behind me yet but I just nodded yes, gave her a hug and knew that she could never understand.

Lisaj514

look at this wild stripe I have going down the center of my head. 9 wks PFC today!  But the dark stripe is crazy! Kind of cool I guess

missy6758703

Lisa, your protocol sounds exactly like mine.  I have x-rays done every monday and I have a similar hair color thing going on.....except the front of my hair is white, and the back is dark!  Oranje, I'd be pissed! Give em hell!!!! LOVE the toenails, in fact, going to CVS in a bit to pick up a prescription and plan on getting some yellow polish and do the same! I also feel like i have a soccer ball on my chest.....i hate how big it feels.  

I have developed a rash all over my chest area on the side that is getting radiation.  Its raised and itchy as all heck.  Anybody else get this? 

I'm having some mom-guilt.  My daughter is registering for her classes for college tomorrow.....i couldn't go because of radiation so her older brother that also goes to NDSU took her.....I feel like I should be there.......ugh.  And this too shall pass they say.

jbokland

Turn that mom guilt around....your suffering today is to be sure you are there for her graduation and other life events!!  Its just priorities!!

DJJ

Jbokland, absolutely gorgeous.

oranje, Grrrrrrr, that's crap.  I hope you get to your doctor before rads.

Holli, I love your toenails!  I'm obsessed with toenails these days.  Women probably think I'm weird when I'm out and I stare at their painted toenails in their sandals.  I want to say "I'm not weird, really I'm not, I just don't have any toenails" Six down and my big toenails are getting ready to go.  When I lost my hair I stared at every ones hair.  When I lost my eyelashes I stared at every ones eyelashes.  When I lost my eyebrows I stared at every ones eyebrows.  Now it's toenails!!!!

Rad 15 today and 15 more to go.  Halfway there!! My skin is tan and slightly pink and my boob is sensitive but so far so good.  I am tired now.  That's probably why I'm so emotional these days.  Almost there "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can".

jbokland

How does the fatique in Rads compare to the chemo fatigue for everyone?

Crazywabbit

JB just had 17/33 today and minimal fatigue so far,  trying to walk at least 3-4 times a week and working just a few hours less then my normal schedule. . I am sure the fatigue will hit sooner or later. 

Getting a terrible itch in the skin of my upper back  were the rads are aimed at the SC nodes.  Really just feel like digging my finger nails in there. Will try some lotion. 

Lisaj514

for me it's been more a feeling of being drained than actual tiredness. It hits me at about 2 or 3:00. I dont need to lay down and sleep usually just sit and veg out. Much less SE than chemo. I've had 11/34 so far so still early for me. No real skin issues yet but one of my scars(the 12:00 one) is more indented and feels like its tighter. My rom is full though. My skin feels weird though, kind of tingly.

missy6758703

Thank you for that reminder jbokland!! Just what i needed!

I had number 19 today and I definitely have tiredness but not like chemo tired....i've managed to work my 40 hours a  week through almost all of this.  It keeps my mind occupied and i'm a single parent with 2 in college so need the income.  I tend to crash at like 7:00 each night though! My biggest complaint is such achy joints especially my hips.  Barbara I have that itch on my back as well and a nice little red patch.  My skin is holding out well but each time I do notice more redness and the boob has just a dull ache to it.  

Now..................if I could just get my ass fixed........................  Ha...and here you all were thinking she hasn't mentioned her ass in a few posts!! ha! 

Have a great night....i'm an hour past my bedtime and have been up since 4:00 this morning so tired tonight.  

Ok......wait, here is a personal question......has anybody had a sex life throughout all of this? if yes, has it changed? I mean, i know my guy is in prison, i'm just curious!! ok ok ok....i'm going to bed!!! Good Night you amazing warrior women! 

Michelle

keepthefaith

rads girls, I had the rash on my upper chest, too. I used baby cornstarch powder...seemed to help the itchiness. It can be very annoying, but try not to scratch, said my RO nurse...and stay out of the sun.

aff, nice that you can overlook your friends' comments...sometimes they can get the best of you at times like this!

lisa, love your racing stripe! 

michelle, Try not to stress about missing a few things...you are going to be there for many more, because of what you are doing today!

I never really felt super tired during rads;  seemed like I needed more sleep when I did go to bed. 

oh...the personal question! no and no. Happily single and not a priority of mine, but if I had still been married to my ex, I think it would've been another stressor. 

g'night ladies!

RobinLK

Sex life is there, but my lady garden is like the Sahara due to chemopause. if there is too little lubricant it can be painful. With correct amount it is fine. 

jbokland

Sex?  Oh I remember that!

chicopeach57

Like Robin said, there is a little drought going on down there.  Which really pisses me off because even in menopause I didn't have a problem, these damn drugs!  During AC it was extremely painful, became almost normal during taxol, then started taking Femara.  The wanting to isn't as strong as before, slowly coming back.  Right now with a red boob and burns I'm not that sexy looking.  Only 6 to go.  Need to get to that new normal and accept it rather than being all over the board.  Phillip is very understanding but afraid to touch me right now,  he looks at me like I'm injured.  Sigh.  Time.

Tiredness comes and goes, just don't want to get up some mornings.