How do you keep from feeling your life's been ruined?

Deblc - The panic attacks are awful - I had my first after I was weaning off Xanax having been on it a month.  The fear of recurrence is crippling. I spoke to both my Stephen Minister and a psychologist about the whole suffering thing. I told her I was thinking of doing something so my family wouldn't have to be drug through the suffering. Both said folks don't suffer as much anymore w hospice and such (weird consolation, huh, but it helped me). 

BTW I crashed again after going off both the Xanax and the antidepressant. After that My PCP basically ordered me to stay on klonopin for at least a year. You gotta love the guy for saying "I don't care if you get addicted, you need it!"  I weaned off after ten months with no trouble at all. By that time I was much farther along the acceptance-o-meter. 

Reading this thread is especially helpful for me at a time when I am terribly distressed and simply feel that all the color is gone from my life.  I share with you so many of those unanticipated ass kicks.  I feel beaten up physically, emotionally and spiritually.  Four more surgeries have been added to the four I've already had.  It feels like a prison sentence and I'm not getting paroled.  I am not the fun loving person I once was.  I cannot plan a darn thing in my life because something will force me to cancel it.  I've missed so much.  Carefree moments are few and fleeting.  

Although easier said than done, I am holding on to a few things that help me (sometimes) and I hope they can be of comfort to anyone reading this.

1. A written gratitude list - Despite the heartache, I have so much to be grateful for.  I started writing it down.  Every time I get more crappy news I read it and add to it.  No matter where we are in life we can look and see those with greater or lesser fortune and I am trying to keep sight of the good.

2. Forgiving others for being human - People say and do the stupidest things but fortunately I have never encountered anyone I did not think was well intended.  And so, I let it go.

3. Treating friends and family gently and with kindness and not taking out my frustration on those who love me.  They are going through their own reactions too.

4. I'm an addict in recovery and therefore I cannot self-medicate.  The one thing to appreciate with any medication is that the withdrawal effects are the opposite of the effects.  Xanax causes anxiety and  Percocet increases the subjective experience of pain.  If medications are helping you that is really good but if they're not, you may find you actually manage better without them.  Talk with your doctor before making any medication changes.

5. Finally, remembering that inside of me is the same woman who has conquered every obstacle of my life.  I have had glorious moments and I have had some incredibly difficult life experiences.  I am same woman who has achieved every goal she has worked for regardless of how hard it may have seemed.  The same woman who is full of life and good spirit with creativity and intelligence.  She is still there inside of me and today I need her more than ever.  I will bring her back!

Thank you for listening.

After reading many of your stories, the one thing I have come to understand is that although we are all suffering from cancer and its consequences, it is and never will be the same for us all.  Maybe some of us are better prepared in life to make lemons into lemonade while for some of us the struggle seems insurmountable.  I have always suffered from clinical depression. My life have been full of trials and tribulations. It takes more than a positive attitude to get me through cancer; I could not make it without my Xanax, Wellbutrin, and Paxil and a therapist from time to time .  So as I read your stories, I can understand why some of us want to scream and shout, cry and are angry.  I can also understand the ones who are taking life and living it--making the best life has to offer.  I am so thankful that no matter how we feel, there is  somewhere to come (BCO) and  get support, allowing us to see we are not alone and showing us there is always someone willing to talk and listen. 

I think I've gotten to that place of peace. BC is no longer that scary monster hiding under the bed. The monster that took my mom when I was 5. I lived with that monster for almost 45+ years. Now the light has shone on it and I am way less terrified of it than I was for nearly my whole life. Funny that it took getting BC to be able to beat back the beast. We explore the whole gamut of emotions with this crap. For me it turned out to be quite cathartic.

tang - my spiritual life suffered too. I can't tell you how many days I cursed at God, telling him the most vile things, over and over. I felt like he had abandoned me. Now I know otherwise. 

My hugs go out to all you ladies as well. Thank you for this raw and honest discussion. 

y'know I get it.

At times I have thought I can't imagine 30 or 40 or 50 years with lymphedema.

60 more sets of sleeves...at 600 bucks...or what ever they will cost in 20 or 30 years.

At those moments, forgive me Caryn, I understand wanting the cancer to come back and take me.

It's not what I really want, but there are moments that wearing a sleeve for decades seems impossible.

But I actually have a good life, take joy in beauty, have fun, like what I do.

But there are moments where it is overwhelming.

Ex Bronx Girl started to send me silly PM's.

Then she publically accused me of racism.

Now, she is diagnosing me. Don't see a Ph.D. in her profile.

Don't know if this woman thinks she is the board matriarch or what.

There are other places I can go. I wish the rest of you well in your journeys.

No, you started to PM me. I didn't know how.

Is your name Caryn or Teka?

So, you're on Effexor.  Then, you need 'help' too.

You had posted over 5,700 times since you joined. How do you have the time for anything else? If this is your life, fine. I'm not a disease. I didn't come back to the group for pity. I wanted to talk to other single, professional women like me that had no financial or emotional safety net, lost everything they had, and were desperately trying to get their life back.

Your situation is different than mine and you have no idea what this did to me emotionally. I'd like to see you do it alone like I did and go through what I did.

 I was responding to PM's from Teka that apparently is not you.

I used to just hit 'reply'.

Don't have a record of my messages because I dumped them.

When did I first PM you?

My references to the Adirondacks, etc. must have made no sense to you because you are someone else.

The mods first made a comment to me that my PTSD and issues were not the place for this board.

I validated someone's comments about suicide, and they send me this whole big thing and tell me to call the suicide hotline.

Then, they tell me to open up and tell more, so I did.

Somehow, this got screwed up.

I was angry at you accusing me of racisim. Then, you diagnose me?

This is like the shit from the support group upstate. Catty comments on my first time there, a few days after dx, and a few before sx.

Went to the knitting group and someone corners me and tells me about the pecking order of the group.

Same one later creamed at me for coloring my hair when it started to come back all gray. I had asked my onc.

One of the psych support nurses knew that my dog was my world. He didn't like dogs. One day he told me to get rid of my dog. Another time, before a Tai Chi class, I was showing the teacher some of my "dogs in ..." books, and Paul makes another snotty comment.

Another time, the other psych support nurse tells me I may have to get rid of my dog, and I absolutely lost it. I had stopped going to support groups and my counselor kept pushing me to go. I was a few days post op from other side and port placement. Had just returned from Greece. Mommy dearest tells me a secret and not to tell anyone (and I later find out she knew for awhile and had been telling others). The secrt was that my NYPD neighbor and pedophile had been arrested for trying to lure a young girl into his van. He moved in next door when I was 12. The people that had lived there were like my grandparents. I had to endure years of his highly inapporopriate comments. It was very confusing as they were all considered family (to this day)

have to feed dog...be back

Psychol known for not returning calls. Obviously bored in our first session, another time falling asleep.

The #2 was an MSW that didn't even know what a TRAM was; most people up there didn't.

I just a whole bunch of good stuff about struggling to eat, renting rooms, sleeping in my car in Atlanta in august with a dog, cat and rabbit.

Then recent really bad roommate situations.

Tough month. Cancer may be back. I had to quit a job I liked and needed the $ bc I couldn't work outside in 96 degree heat--owner reneged on agreement for periodic inside tasks to give me heat breaks.

Mom was 80 last Wed 6/18. She got no card, no gift, no call; like what she did to me when I was sick. Just got a note telling her I wanted no contact anymore. She's a trip. SEnt me a note when she found out that my cancer came back that "I am very worried"...but she still can't pick up the phone.

When bad things happened to my sister, a stranger...it was a travesty. When it was me, it was nothing.

Tomorrow is the PCP and I'm going to insist on having a core biopsy ordered for my neck.

The price for weekend specials from Enterprise doubled for summer, so now I only get freedom 2x month.

My medical bills from January drained me dry of the $ I had to supplement my rent until my lease ends. Now, I pay a few days late, when Disability comes in, and get hit $50 fee.

I go nowhere, I do nothing. I am the living dead. My Zoloft has been increased to 175 mg from 100 mg. Finally had a meds eval after 4 years. Try to find a psych these days.

I asked tech support to remove me from the group. Hopefully, I can cancel the request for a few days. I haven't heard back from the Mods.

If you want to work through this, I am willing. Your call.

Nancy

bluepalace, I've been reading your posts over several threads and wanted to reach out and welcome you here to BCO, a place no one wants to be, but also a safe and supportive place for those of us that find ourselves here.

My impression is that you've had many challenges in your life, breast cancer perhaps being just one of many life-altering events.  And now you're in a position of worrying about survival - having a place to live, enough $$ to survive, transportation to see your doctors to take care of your health.  It sounds so overwhelming, and I can feel your frustration and anger in each post as you reach out for help and support.

BCO has been a lifeline and support group for so very many of us, some for but a few days or weeks, others for years.  I've been here since late 2011 when first diagnosed; I stay to hopefully support those who come after me.  For some (me included) the posters here are more than fingers typing on a keyboard; they become friends (and some even very good friends).  

The idea of a support group is to help its members figure out solutions to problems, walk with them on their journey, rejoice in their success, and provide emotional support when struggling.  We don't do the work for the member; they have to do that themselves.  As an online support group we are constrained by our "not in person" membership; we can't give hugs or go to lunch, but our members can be emotionally supportive, listening to others' stories, offering suggestions and ideas, even advice when they have knowledge of situations of particular situations.  Regardless of whether we're an in-oerson or on-line support group, there are also several things we can't do for each other:  we can't diagnose (even when we REALLY ask for it - we're not doctors, and even if we were, it would be unethical to do so); we can't fix (but we can make suggestions and offer advice); and we can't support those who don't want it.  

Because this is a breast cancer support group, our conversations often focus on our cancer experiences and how they affect our lives.  We have learned so much about you - all of the experiences that have gotten you to the point you're at now in your life - and it would be helpful to know more about your cancer experience.  How old were you when diagnosed?  What kind of treatment did you have?  What was your experience, both good and bad, with that?  Have you tried any alternative or complementary treatments?  It sounds like you're worried about recurrence right now - what are your symptoms?  Reaching out to others on the Not Diagnosed with Recurrence by Worried board might be helpful there.

As I said, we can't "fix" anything for you (or anyone else), but we will offer suggestions and thoughts for help if you're open to receiving those comments.  Unfortunately, we're all still pretty much "on our own" in this life experience, and we have to do the heavy lifting ourselves.  But sometimes, with so many other hands (even behind computer screens), the work doesn't seem so hard, and we don't feel so all alone.  Cancer can be a defining, life-changing experience; it's what brings us here and often keeps us here.  But we don't have to be alone.

*hugs* to you. 

Exbrngrl,

I am formally asking that you do not reply to my posts or responses to other members. I do not want to communicate with  you and wish to be left alone. Please respect my feelings.

Everyone else,

Please, no PM's unless it relates specifically to my job search, finding housing or a car and can not be put in the open conversation.

This is all I can handle right now.

I'm puzzled by your request to not discuss certain things about your life when you have given a chronological documentation of your life here and in other threads. 

This is a breast cancer support forum and your frustration may be from seeking help for things that are unrelated to this site's purpose. 

I don't know.  I really don't.  I've been very lucky in my bc journey, so far - but that's only four week and a few days old right now.  Two things that help me.  One - with my kids and my partner - every time I feel angry or misunderstand by those closest to me, I switch shoes.  If THEY were sick and looking and feeling like I do - what would I feel, what would I say, and what would I do.  How much would I hurt.  That's always helps me with space for them - and lets me feel a bit better about me, too.  As miserable as this has been so far, if "god" were to walk up to me and say - you could be cancer and treatment free with a great body for the rest of your life, you just have to give this experience to one of your sons or your partner - you couldn't PAY me to do it, because of COURSE I wouldn't wish this on ANYONE, but a smaller side reason is - what they are going through with my illness isn't too terribly much easier than what I'm going through with it.  I do NOT envy their worry and stress and helplessness.  The 2nd piece for me is that I am a long-time meditation practitioner.  I began learning mediation approx. 15 years ago in the effort to minimize holding onto my past baggage and to minimize my consumption with "what if" fears of the future.  The whole goal was to live in the "present" and do the best I can to experience this "present," and make it everything it can be.  That, obviously, isn't always the easiest thing in the world, but when I'm really freaking out - when I'm really melting down - and I look at the cause - it's rarely, if ever, my "present" that's making me freak out.  It's either what I've actually lost (which is in the past) or what I'm scared of losing (which is in the future) - neither of which currently exist.  It takes daily - sometimes hourly - work to stay JUST present, but when it's successful, it's a beautiful thing for me :-)

Kelly I totally get where you are coming from I felt like that for a couple of years remember it is  shock then anger and finally you accept getting the short straw. I have to keep reminding myself 'it's not my fault' . I was a runner. vegetarian and never smoked or drank I have friends that do all of the wrong things and never get any illness. One day we will understand why we get these cancers but until then we have to do the best we can to get well again. I wasn't going to have reconstruction but I woke up 2 years after surgery and said damn it I am too young to walk around with ugly boobs and scars. I ended up having 10 different ops to have mine done but I think it was worth it. All the best Judy

Hi, I totally get how you feel that your life has been ruined. Mine has been pretty wrecked too. I had a uni MX 7/2012. I have been trying to get put back together and have had set backs. I started

 Brava and fat grafting. I took out my tissue expander, which I hated and then got a massive infection and then I had to have another surgery to clean out the 300cc of pus. I have had 8 surgeries in the past 2 years. I am horribly lopsided andhate how I look. I have a small a cup mound without a nipple and a c cup on the other.

I feel depressed and angry quite a lot. I just found out that a large part of being miserable is the result of being on Tamoxifen.  I sleep poorly and was taking l-tryptophan for sleep. I realized that when I don't take the tryptophan that I don't sleep at all. Then I looked up tryptophan depletion and tamoxifen.  Found out that tamoxifen does deplete tryptophan, that it is used for that very purpose in psychiatric research  God no wonder I am miserable and also can't sleep. Look up tryptophan, iit is responsible for so much

My other huge issue is my husband is rarely supportive He is always comparing me to other cancer people he doesn't really know. He says things like "If you were normal you wouldn't be complaining about these things." He says that it is my fault for driving away my "friends" because I was too negative and I wouldn't listen to people like his sister who told me to just buy a nice shirt and I would be fine. He is always saying that I am living in the past and that  I Should just give up on reconstruction.  He says that I am just fine. He is against my taking supplements and buying organic food. It seems he finds fault with nearly everything I do. He says things that really hurt me and he never says sorry. I have two beautiful daughter 9 and 11 whose lives are half wrecked as well. They hear me and my husband fighting alot. A friend  finally gave me the word I was looking for to describe how my husband thinks of me. He thinks of me with contempt. I often feel that my marriage wasn't great before bc, but this was the straw that broke the camels back. I don't think that I can forgive him for being so unsupportive so much of the time, for never taking my side. I just feel bad for my kids. I wish that I didn't need any support from him. I know that it is fruitless three quarters of the time to look for any compassion or kindness from him. According to him I don't ever have any reason to cry.

I just get so worn out. My couselor doesn't really help much, although she is a nice woman.