What advice would you give someone just diagnosed with BC

Yes, great thread! It got me thinking and although we all need to hear different things-or not, here it goes:

What to say:

1. Let's go for a coffee, there's this new place we haven't been to.

2. I'm here for you if you need help shopping/cooking/walking your pet. We can figure out a plan.

3. I support you in any decision you make. 

What not to say:

1. Don't be worried about getting all/any of chemo SEs. Have you ever looked up the Depon (paracetamol) side effects? Almost nobody gets any/all of them.

2. Be patient/brave, next year/in 15 years you'll vaguely remember all of this like a bad dream.

3. They caught it early, right? Don't worry, breast cancer has a 90% cure rate.

4. I know somebody who had breast cancer x years ago, did everything she was told and is still doing fine.

5. Don't question doc's treatment plan, he knows better and you are in no position to make decisions for yourself right now. 

6. Can't you be patient for a few months (referring to chemo)? Then it will be over.

What not to say ---- call me if you need anything.  When I was in treatment, I never wanted to bother someone by calling and asking.

Better to say:

--I'm going to the grocery store this afternoon, what do you need?

--Which night this week would be a good time for me to bring over dinner for your family?

--I made a double recipe of lasagna.  I can bring it over for you to put in your freezer to have when you need it.

--While I am here visiting, let me run the vacuum cleaner for you or fold a load of laundry or unload the dishwasher, etc.

In other words ---- when you tell someone to "call you if you need anything," they aren't going to.  Be specific with what you can do to help them so that they don't have to reach out and ask.

Totally agree with some of the above.

What to Say:

- Suggest something CONCRETE you can do: eg - Which night can I bring you dinner? I'm at the store, what can I pick you up? Can I watch your cat/dog/child while you're at treatments/in surgery? What do you need a ride to this week?  Is there anything I can research for you? Is there any news I can pass on for you to other friends/family?

- I am thinking about you every day; I love you.

- I support whatever you decide.

- I admire your strength/courage/humor/judgment while dealing with XYZ (most of the time we don't feel strong at all, or decisive - but we are doing our best and it's nice to hear that we may be coping well )

What not to say:

- As mentioned above: Call me if you need anything. It can be a burden to think of what you need and whether it's convenient for the person offering.

- What not to do: completely avoid talking about the cancer altogether.

- At least you caught it early and you'll get it all taken care of (in reality it's much more complicated than that for most people)

- "It's probably nothing." Or, "That biopsy/mammogram/pathology is going to be negative, I just know it!"

Great idea for a thread!!!

I would advise them to register at the NCCN website and read the professional version of their guidelines for breast cancer treatment including the footnotes and discussion on the last 50 pages.  

I'd also advise to tell as few or as many people as you are comfortable telling...but beware!  When people start asking how you feel, you have to answer and after awhile it can be unnerving and sometimes taxing.  Try standing in front of a mirror and practice saying even if you are feeling awful, "Thanks for asking, how are you?". And when they start asking stupid questions...again practice in front of a mirror and say, " Excuse me?". And then let the silence linger in the air.   And when you really get flummoxed, just give them the evil eye.  Practice in front of the mirror several times a day....it gets easier over time!

The bottom line is that most people don't know what to say or do when you are diagnosed!  You need to be proactive!

I agree with voraciousreader!  I told only a few friends and only close family members of my diagnosis.  Even then I found it difficult to deal with their questions.  I will add to the list:

Do not ask what stage the cancer is as this just broke me down - I felt that they were hoping for my untimely demise.  

I had a friend who kept asking if there was anything she could do for me and I knew then that I wasn't going to ask for any help.  The help that I needed was:

Can I bring you some groceries or am at the store you need something etc.

What to say, "I'm so sorry this is happening to you."

What not to say, "OMG, I really hope you don't have to have chemo! It's horrible for you!"

  (Someone actually said that to me. )

I agree with all that's been said as to what people should and should not say. I would like to add that if you say the right things you have to follow up on them. Otherwise, they turn into things that you should not say. In my world, actions speak louder than words. 

I'd like to share one thing that my husband and I did that helped with dealing with people's questions. I was pretty open with the fact that I had been diagnosed, I'm not good at hiding things and like to have things in the open, but that does leave you open to being asked loads of questions. What my husband did was write an email to our friends, basically a mass mail out to about 15 people, at appropriate times during my treatment. The email contained pertinent information about where I was in my treatment and we shared what we were comfortable sharing. This way people were up to date as to what was going on with me. When I met up with my friends they already had all of the cancer information and we could focus on other discussion topics. Plus I didn't have to answer the same questions from multiple people at different times. I'm not sure this is something for everyone but it worked for us, we got good feedback for friends, so I thought I would share.

Another thing that was nice, but odd, was that people brought me cookies and cake right after they heard...and I hadn't even had surgery yet! I could have used those 8 month later when I was in my last weeks of chemo.

Don't say "Too bad you didn't have to have a mastectomy.  You could have gotten some nice perky new boobs!"  I'm allowed to make a joke about it, but you aren't.  Plus, don't go on and on how great I look.  Under the circumstances, yes, I don't look that bad.  But with no hair, obviously thinning eyelashes and eyebrows, and some stupid scarf or hat on, I usually don't feel pretty compared to my pre-treatment self.  A simple "You look nice" will do.  Also, telling someone they are "lucky" that they got breast cancer instead of a more "serious" cancer is a no-no.  I mean, really?  That's like telling a guy in a wheelchair that he is lucky he is in one because he gets to park in the handicap spot.  

Don't say, "you will get through this treatment and be back to normal in no time!"   Uh, no.  Even doctors were guilty of that one.  There is no going back, and I will never be the same as I was before.  Some of the changes are permanent.  We all hope to get comfortable with our "new normal" but it can be a struggle.  Don't say (or assume) that once treatment is over the person can "go back to her life again".  Often that is precisely the time that is most difficult.  We may look fine, but still be dealing with pain, weakness and emotional issues that you can't see.  

Jab...the list of do's and don'ts for other people are endless!  That's why I advocate, instead, that WE be the ones that are proactive!  Its up to US, not THEM, to steer the journey.

Recently, a friend was diagnosed with DCIS.  I never told her that I was previously diagnosed.  However, she called me, as she usually does, for doctor recommendations.  Over the next few months, she kept calling me to calm her down.  I kept telling her to stop talking to so many " friends" because they were driving her crazy.  Unfortunately, she couldn't control herself and at one point she had been calling me three times a day! I finally saw her husband and asked him what kind of "friends" did she have because it seemed like I was the only one who was truly helping her!  He said that for smart women, in his humble opinion, they were all dumb!  Two weeks ago, she and her close "friends" and I got to celebrate her birthday.  At the table there were these highly accomplished women, two of whom I'm friends with.  As I looked around the table my mind was boggled that so many of them caused her such grief following her diagnosis.  Considering they were highly intelligent and still were capable of making such faux pas, I think it is impossible to believe that they or others are capable of behaving "correctly" when a friend, colleague or relative is diagnosed with cancer.  That's why I think it is up to US to lead the way'. I call it full body armor, as though we need to prepare for war!  Bombs lurk EVERYWHERE on the journey.  Early in my journey, I used to dress up prepared for war!  Not so much anymore, because life got in the way of my cancer journey.  The less I think of cancer, the even less my friends think of it and before you know it, no one is saying dumb ass things about my health because they have resumed, like I have, living life!

Now, I don't need that mirror as much as I needed it when I was first diagnosed.  The only thing that mirror does now when I look into it, is  it confirms that I'm alive!

Jab....the best things ever said to me were said by my MO....and I didn't realize it until many months after I completed active treatment!  As I researched my cancer, I realized in retrospect all the good info he had provided me while making an active treatment plan.  I also realized early on, that.....unless someone had a cancer diagnosis....no one knows what to say or do!  That's why THIS place is an oasis for comfort, support and empowerment.  Those bright, educated "friends" are more likely to not "get" it!  Enlighten them? Lots of luck!  I thank my lucky stars that I shared my diagnosis with just a handful of people so I hadn't subjected myself to some of the painful feelings that others here have had!  My heart has hurt more over other sisters' journeys than my own....I sincerely wish you well in enlightening others....but until there is a groundswell of understanding  breast cancers I'm not too encouraged that our wisdom is transferable.....