waiting for reoccurance

For my own sanity I prefer not to ponder too much about my DX or my prognosis - those are the things I can not change. I prefer to think about things I can change - like how I will live the rest of my life. You are so early in your DX and it may be hard to get over the initial shock of it all but I assure you that time will come with or without the "industrial strength antidepressants". If the anxiety is interfering with your daily life you should try to ask your doctor for medication, I was on Xanax myself.

No expiration date on anybody's big toe.  Only God knows.  Maybe my cancer will come back again someday and if it does, I'll deal with it then.  But, in the mean time, I've got stuff to do and I'm not gonna give up any of my days worrying about maybe.  (Like several have already mentioned, as time goes on, it gets easier to put these thoughts on the back burner.)

Hang in there!

Weesa, I think of you every time I drink a bit too much red wine Red wine is way better than xanax, as far as I am concerned. 

Weesa....I am in your camp, although I do exercise.  Nothing like a few endorphins to keep those worries away.  My big personal accomplishment this year was rocking a corset at the Oldschool Pinups party. I was drinking good wine too!

Newer research shows that wine isn't quite the scourge that was once thought.  I questioned the initial findings anyway as done on a group of women who were not taking anti-estrogens. Wine is one of life's great pleasures.

I had to reboot my career and life, and am now doing my best work ever.  This year's big challenges are rebuilding my wardrobe as not enough office attire after several years working at home.  Plus, organizing my new place.  Plus, finding enough time in the day to get it all done. Lots of six day weeks.

Yes, I had a highly aggressive tumor which was thought to be Stage III.....huge lymph node. I was extremely lucky to have only one. I got the warning, and decided that I needed to focus on living.  I eat about 80% healthy stuff.  A girl has to have some FUN in life, and food is another supreme pleasure.

In moving forward....it happens when you layer in new experiences over your cancer diagnosis.  Things like a trip to Maui, getting a White Paper published, hiking near Mount Rainier and seeing the Alpine flowers, seeing the former Rector of my church consecrated Bishop in Vancouver BC.  It took more time than I ever imagined, and happened sometime at about the 4 year mark. Now, I am, as my friend who did not make it from pancreatic cancer, would say: basking.

One thing I did during the dark time was focus on things that bring me JOY. The view I had of the Olympic Mountains; flowers, good food, watching opera on Youtube, wearing out my cashmere sweaters, and some serious "time between the sheets".  The list is different now, but I do this every single day.

I am not about to waste any of the days I have been given. And this includes rocking a corset to prove to the world that I can still do this. - Claire

I too love Clair's posts.  They really are so uplifting, ladies.  As for this topic, yes, wintersocks, I so do get what you are saying. My onc is always reminding me "it's his job to keep the cancer from coming back" 

Oceana

Weesa  & Claire - 

LOL. 

I can't say that I never worry about mets, I do - but in some ways it has let me 'let go' of a lot of things & allow myself to do more of the things that I most want to do. I guess in some ways I put me first and don't worry so much about what the rest of the world thinks.. and that's kind of nice. But I still plan to live to 90 and die in my sleep.

Thank you everyone!  Busy day today, including filing my business taxes a couple of hours ago after my run.  Did I mention that drinking wine AFTER a run heightens the experience???  BTW....checked this out with my friend who is a wine bar manager and a friend of mine.  I am the age of her parents, but she is happy to hang with me.  She confirmed this.  Of course, the real bond is good food and wine.

Dinner was some halibut I got following a cycle a couple of weeks ago to see the tulips.  With some asparagus, and creamed spinach with wild dried (they dried in the fridge) mushrooms, and of course potatoes.  Food for the gods.

I think it's time to re-post the picture of me in a corset.  Taken by my friend Dottie who is an aerospace engineer.  Important for 2 reasons: 1) I had breast surgery and 2) I am in my 60s.  My friend Misou (at Nordstrom) did the makeup.

The woodland part of my run tonight was just divine.  Scent of spring, and of course I thought of Viognier wine.

I am off to bed as equally busy in the AM. - Claire

Claire

That is a great picture and you're right, I would never guess 60!  

Fear of recurrence is very hard to deal with.  Very hard to know what to plan for.  Do you save for the future? Do you spend it now when you are healthy enough to enjoy life.  I can't wrap my brain around it.  I would love some genuine wisdom.  What I have done is to work.  I take more vacation.  I treasure my friendships.  I try to spend time with my family.  I hired a personal trainer and try to work out  at least 5 times a week.  I don't know the answer.  All the above help but the reality is that i could find out tomorrow that I'm stage 4.  It's tough.

living, 

My MO does not or refuses to talk about the what ifs.. I did have an survivorship meeting with a nurse practitioner, who told me my future was "uncertain". I appreciated that she was honest. 

Living as well as can be expected, still pretty fresh & new. 

Claire, you are rocking that corset ! Fantastic photo, I am jealous of how strong your upper body looks. I used to have strong shoulders, muscle tone. Now, not so much. Working on it, though. 

Living,

I think it would be hard to find someone on these boards who wasn't told they were a high risk for reccurrence.  No one can go through what we've been through and not have a hard time getting past it.  Even now, I have my moments, but it is has become a lot better over the years.  It will get better for you, and you will get stronger.  What helped me was understanding that no one, even my Oncologist, can predict what tomorrow holds, so I am seizing today with gusto.  Even people who haven't gone through this aren't guaranteed anything.   Surround yourself with wonderful people.  Cut the negative out of your life if there is any there, as much as you possibly can.  Plan long into the future, and don't let anyone take away your hope for a bright future!

We are here for each other.

Hugs

Bobbie

Spunky- I wasn't told I was high risk; in fact quite the contrary. I have Stage II, Grade 1 IDC. My Oncotype score was 11. According to that test my recurrence rate is 8% with taking Tamoxifen for 5 years. I am 3 1/2 years out from DX. My sister n law had DCIS and was told she was lucky and low risk as well. We know there are no guarantees but our Oncologist(we have same one) was extremely optimistic. My sister n law is 6 years out. So far, so good. Diane 

my onc told me to be sure to see a pyschiatrist because most of his patients struggle after treatment.  My first post treatment follow up was 3 months and i assumed it would be every 3 months for a while but my second visit will be in 6 months so although i was puzzled by that it also made me feel that i have a longer time before worrying again so it made me feel healthier.

i was told I am very high risk of recurrence so many times I lost count.......i get scared sometimes but then I think I had cancer in me for years before diagnosis and didn't know it and many people could be wandering around with illnesses and not know it. 

All I can do is eat as healthily as possible, watch my weight, take natural supplements and the hated AI and exercise. I now let myself enjoy wine, beer etc rather than letting fear of recurrence dominate everything.........i can only focus on what i can do.......there are no guarantees for any of us.....it is a truly crap shoot

I just had my exchange surgery yesterday and today I am sitting here a crying mess.  

Some days it is so hard to be strong when you are staring down the barrel of a stage 3c diagnosis.

I want to be strong for my kids but today it all feels so hopeless.

I beat myself up if I'm not being proactive well being proactive is exhausting.

The doctors wouldn't even give me an oncotest!  But I'm grade 1 stage 3c.  How freaking hard would it have been for them to give me an oncotest?  They said they didn't need to because they were just going to throw everything at me.  But I needed it.

And now I've got these stupid new boobs and new scars to go with them and who knows what is next?!

I don't even get what the point of all this is anymore.

I hate all of this.

I am stage 3 and have never been told that I am at high risk for recurrence. I know what my odds are, I also know that many of those at lower stages than I am have about the same risk. I hope for all of us that we find a way to live our lives without this being a constant fear, hard I know, but what a waste if we don't.