So they got it all, right?

Early on in the process I did but not so much now Ann. The thing is they just don't know what to say and I think they are afraid of what we have. I felt like a leper a few times but I chalk that up to fear more than anything else. I don't think people are intentionally naïve and definitely not cruel but they just want us to confirm we are okay. My mother had BC and had a MX. She was in her late 60's; she died almost 10 years ago but not from BC so my sister and I were kind of prepped for what could happen to us.

My sister in law had BC too and I remember saying some of those same things to my brother. She had BCinsitu and is 5 years from the DX and doing fine. Now that my sister and I both have it I was kind of braced for phrases like are you cured? I think if I were you I would just say so far, so good...and nothing else. That's what I do.  If they persist say the same thing over and over. They will get the message. Like you I was not going to go into all the specifics because they wouldn't understand the verbage anyway so why bother. I have mastered keeping my game face on for the sake of my husband and children and grandchildren so I keep my fears pretty much to myself. Not Pollyanna just don't want or need to elicit sympathy - just prayers and I already have those. Keep the faith...diane

I had a friend, 32 years old, I often asked her those kinds of questions. She always stayed positive. The thing is, it wasn't because I was being nosey, I was truly concerned, actually frightened for her. It was the first time I knew anyone personally who had breast cancer. I was so worried for her and her family. at times it consumed me and I would cry and beg God to spare her life. She never knew that was what I was going through. She stayed positive and I wanted to support her, but I was so scared for her.Her experience with breast cancer and less than a year later, ovarian cancer, has made me diligent about caring for myself too. I know as I am facing a bx. no matter what happens I can face it just like I witnessed my friend do almost 12 years ago. 

 Please understand some of these people do not want to pity you or are being nosy, they truly care and SO WANT FOR YOU TO BE OK! I hope you understand what I am trying to say.

Well, what is it appropriate to ask/say? I had an acquaintance - not quite a friend - who in the past 2 years was dx with stage 4 colon cancer from the get-go. She did everything right, ate well, exercised, "failed" 3 different chemos - her cancer was inoperable. she was amazing until almost the very bitter end. So i talked with her, a bit, because I was the only other local person she knew who had had chemo (hers were quite different). Still, here is a person fighting for her life, You meet her on the street. she is thin, but she is walking. You cannot pretend or ignore that she has very serious cancer. You wish to communicate your empathy. Do you - smile? give her a hug? ask no questions? pretend it's not happening? risk seeming callous by not even mentioning it? perhaps giving her the notion that it's of no importance to you (like, you haven't given her a second thought, or mulled over the hell she's going through, or spent times feeling sad for her or sending her heart-vibes or wondering what on earth it's like)?

What is an acceptable greeting? just curious. since I've had cancer, and still found myself flayling and trying not to seem like a morbid, inquisitive ghoul. the whole thing, for her, just stank. Totally, utterly, unfair for someone who lived her life clean as a whistle.

Hi Ann, I think people really struggle to know what to do with that uncertainty factor, socially - it doesn't quite fit the 'sympathy conversation' or the 'great everything's fine now conversation'. Personally I hate the false positivity. Most women here manage to be pretty positive overall, but sometimes we all need to vent or cry or shout about how CR#P the situation is before we feel like being philosophical or funny.

Hi, all!... and Ann, thanks for creating the post.  I thought this is a very interesting read.  And if I may just share--  When I was first diagnosed with DCIS September of last year, I really didn't feel like telling anybody, except for my supervisor and boss at work, my best friend from way back yet thousands of miles away, friends who I have become closest with here in the US when I migrated more than 10 years ago, my family (though we are all across the globe now that only viber, skype, and email can best connect us), and my husband of course and kids of my own.  Such that if others outside of this primary circle would know, it would be up to my primary select people to share; and that includes even my step children who would be up to my husband to speak to about my condition and up to what extent he wants them to participate in. But, strictly, I said, no posting on Face Book.  I can accept PMs on FB, but not wall postings of sort.  

Then I began to get queries from friends, and even my boss, like "Is it okay for me to tell____ as she was also diagnosed with your condition... OR she is a breast cancer survivor..."  At first I didn't feel right about it, but later I somehow felt they are doing this because they care.  They wanted somebody more knowledgeable and understanding of my situation to talk to me.  Perhaps, for my own learning, too; but, also, I thought, more for my own sanity.  Because, really, nobody else can better understand us except those who have been, or are currently, in a similar situation.  And, in fact, I must say that those who had the best things to say were the new acquaintances I've made.  To begin with, I did not know about this site if it were not for the friend of an acquaintance in my Zumba class. Little by little, I have learned to appreciate people getting in touch.  Some even sent in flowers, food, cards, and just simple texts of prayers and well-wishes when I had my surgery.  

Like you, Ann, I also did not like too many questions.  I felt they were unwarranted, anyway, as those asking will never understand how we feel-- our aches and pains, frustrations, and mood swings.  But now, that I have recovered and am trying to get on my normal activities, I have started to participate in social gatherings.  And surprisingly, now, I felt much weirder when people who I know knew of my condition and what I had gone through don't even budge to ask how I am.  Not that I want them to corner me and ask litigious questions; but, it just feels more awkward that they see me and act as if nothing happened at all.

It sure is nice to have someone notice us and just say a few words of affection or even just a nod or smile of recognition that we are now here present with them in the room or on the phone.  As Renee51 said, some (and may I would even say most) really have genuine care, anyway.  And as Flannelette said, "what is an appropriate greeting, anyway?"  I think I'd rather be greeted in some way, than ignored.  We would know anyway which one is a sincere greeting or not, and  we can simply brush off those empty greetings or choose to answer them the smartest way we can; not to show being offended, but be straight forward in discussing our condition and recurrences in a very positive note.

Truth is, now I am sure that, after all we have gone through, for me, for people to ignore us would be a gravely inappropriate gesture.  I believe that's just awfully worse than just an inappropriate greeting.

Happy Monday, everyone!

I do not mind any reaction or question, even if it seems inappropriate, as long as it is apparent that there is genuine concern for me in there some where.  We are not taught how to deal with these situations and many others.  Everyone here has also said something at some time that has been seen as offensive by another.  Communication is far from a perfect tool and I prefer to find the positive message in there no matter how hidden it may be.  Keeps my days a lot more positive and far less frustrating.  If someone is intending to be offensive, then I have no issue communicating my very honest reaction.   

To first of all ensure I understood what they were asking me, I would respond with, "The all clear for what?" Having to say the words out loud may help them to realize how inappropriate their comment or question is. I do find that it helps to prepare a good response to "dumb" questions as it is often the fact that we are caught off guard that really pisses us off.  Afterwards, I can come up with all kinds of wonderful responses.  I remember running into a relative after I had gained some weight and he immediately blurted out, "are you ever fat".  I had gained 20 lbs over the past 5 years, but had always been very thin.  To this day I wish that I could repeat that experience because boy do I have a great response to him now! 

I know that it is mostly fear and concern when people ask questions like, "Did they get it all" and They caught it early, right".  At first I would answer yes even though I had no idea if that was the truth.  As time went on I got tired of those questions and began answering with,  "No, actually, it was caught way later than the doctors originally thought and we hope that treatment works." I figured that if people were going to ask a question they needed to hear the truth.  Additionally, it is exhausting to pretend everything is fine when you are not really sure that's the truth.  I had people ask me and my husband if I "was going to make it", "how long does she have" and the best was the person who said, "We thought you were a goner."

I laugh at it now because I am over 8 years out but it was hard knowing what to say or how to act. 

Good idea, Alaskamama.  My own blog was enormously therapeutic, and in the beginning, it was not my intention to pass around the news that I was blogging.  But then someone suggested I open an account on Caring Bridge.  I had a look at the site--and I know many of us here have used Caring Bridge with great success and thankfulness that they can keep family and friends updated easily--but it just wasn't for me.  It was like, "this is where people go who have cancer."  LOL... 

hi all, I think perhaps we put too much stock into what other people think and say. When people are awkward and don't know what to say, they are just showing their human frailties; when people ask innocent inappropriate questions they are lost when faced with other's misfortunes; when people are deliberately mean it just means they are mean. You can't stop other people from saying or doing whatever they want..... It is our reaction to it that forms and guides our feelings. 

I would hate to think that people could influence my state of mind and happiness

Just my 2 cents worth

Have a peaceful and fun Easter 

LIL

Amen, Diamond

We do create our own happiness.... and otherwise.

"Totally, utterly, unfair for someone who lived her life clean as a whistle."

I'm not sure how I feel about this earlier post from flannelette.  Perhaps I'm being too sensitive, but the flip side seems to be that if you don't live your life "clean as a whistle" you may deserve your cancer.  I've seen this from other people who have extreme notions about health.  I'm sure they look at me, somewhat overweight, and pass judgement.  They don't know that cancer runs in my family and I was thought to have a BRCA gene that has not been identified yet.  My aunt had two bouts of breast cancer and ovarian cancer despite staying very slim her entire life and leading a healthy lifestyle.  Maybe it was inhaling diesel smoke throughout my childhood while commercial fishing that tipped me over the edge or perhaps exposure to a high level of environmental toxins.  I certainly believe that exercising and eating good foods is beneficial to anyone.

Whenever I hear how someone didn't deserve cancer because they lead a "clean" lifestyle it stirs up my emotions.  How do others feel?