what to tell my 12 year old son

Hi Mellabella,

In addition to the helpful advice from TB90, you may be interested in reading the main Breastcancer.org site's page on Talking to Older Children and Teens. There's some good tips there, too.

We hope this helps!

--The Mods

Didn't have a mastectomy and have girls, not boys, so can't empathize completely, but will share my experience telling my kids (at the time ages 12 and 9) for what it is worth.   My mother was diagnosed about 6 weeks before me with multiple areas of both Stage 1 and DCIS, and had a mastectomy, so first I told them about that.  I explained that she had breast cancer, that the doctors would have to remove one of her breasts, but that she would be fine afterwards because they had caught it early.   They then saw her at Thanksgiving dinner (I was diagnosed 2 days prior, but hadn't told anyone yet), so they could see that she was up and around and doing well.     The next day, I sat them down and told them that I myself had been diagnosed.   I explained (at the time I didn't know about the micro-invasion, just the DCIS), that while I did have breast cancer, it "wasn't the kind that could kill you" but that because it could eventually turn into that kind, it would need to be treated.   The nine year old didn't ask too many questions, although eventually she asked why, if the surgery had removed the cancer I still needed the radiation.  They had just studied cells in school, so I explained the concept of an escaped "rogue" cell, and she understood that fine.   The 12 year old wanted more details, and wanted to know what it meant for her risk going forward, so we talked about that a bit.    Neither one was particularly upset - I think having just seen Grandma go through it helped them not see it as a big scary thing.    I did the best I could while going through surgery and rads to keep everything as "normal" as possible for them, and when a few months ago the now 13 year old had to answer a school question about the worst 3 things that had ever happened to her, my cancer didn't even make the list! (Which I was a little bit miffed about to be honest).    Oh, and my mother rarely wears a foob, so they have seen her looking lopsided and haven't really mentioned it to me, other than the older one asking me if I thought Grandma would wear a foob to her Bat Mitzvah, LOL.

Just re-read your post, and saw the question about whether they went to school or not.  They did - actually we got them up, but they saw themselves off to school while DH took me to the hospital in the morning.   I ended up staying overnight because I had a bad reaction to some pain meds, and DH was with me until about 11pm, so the kids were pretty much on their own that whole time, although I did have a friend take the younger one to/from gymnastics, and DH was in frequent touch with them on the phone.   We had thought I would be home much earlier, so didn't realize it would be such a problem, but first the surgery was delayed by several hours because of an emergency surgery that needed the OR, and then with the med reaction by the time I got over that it was so late at night that they just admitted me for the night.   DH got the kids up the next morning, took them to school and then came and got me from the hospital, so I didn't see them from the time they left for school the day of surgery, until they got home the next day.   I was more upset about that than they seemed to be   They're pretty independent kids and had been home alone together on previous occasions.

Well; I have a son.  Granted, he is 37 and not 12, but I do remember him being 12.  I would say this.  Tell him you have had a scare, but that you will be fine (which is true).  Tell him you will look a bit different, but not so much as anyone will notice.  A 12-year-old's questions about how you will be are about that, of course, but really about will you live?  I think that's the real underneath question.  Even with my son.  He is older, mature, supportive, but, at the end of the day, he's really just a 12-year-old asking his mum if she will be there; I can tell.  I would give him the most basic physical stuff, but really concentrate on the real stuff.  The fact that though you have had a minor BC, you are lucky, and the future looks great. That life will go on, after a bit of a to-do, as normal, which it will.  Mostly, don't let him wonder and be unsure.  Something he can feel but not have explained (comforted about) is worse.  There is nothing like a mother and son relationship.  Don't make him your partner in this, though he is mature, as was my son at that age.  Tell him it's a thing, an unpleasant thing, but that unpleasant things happen, and a lot of the time (and in your case) the unpleasant thing is going to be OK.

My daughter was 4 when I was diagnosed. We thought we were doing a good job of keeping it under wraps until we realized that she knew more than we realized and was connecting the dots in ways that made her think I was going to die soon! I told her that the doctor found something in my breast that could make me sick later, so we were taking it out now so I would never get sick.  There was no hiding my body post-BMX (will I ever go to the bathroom alone?), so she saw all the drains and incisions. She still likes to give me a thumbs-up that my breasts are looking good 2 years later.  She was an amazing source of healing for me, tucking me in, tiptoeing in to check on me while I recovered. I learned that kids can handle a lot. Your son sounds like a very responsible guy that will be a big help to you post-surgery. He may relish that role! Best wishes to you all.

And please try to answer all his questions.  News like this is often discussed with friends and classmates who will all have horror stories about breast cancer to tell him.  He needs the truth from the beginning.  If one of your doctors has an extra bit of time to talk to your son, that could help offset the rumors and inaccuracies of his buddies.

Hugs and warm wishes,

Carol

Be as honest as you can but also emphasize the positive.   Give facts that can help put it into perspective for him.  

I explained the stage scale and that mine was considered stage 0.  How the doctors were very happy about that and sure that it would be taken care of.  I explained that I saw several doctors and did several tests and everything/everyone agreed that this was curable.  I went to a top cancer center in the country so I used that fact too -- Mommy's hospital is one of the best in the country (even showed my son who was the most doubtful an article listing it as # 1 or # 2 in the country).

Also I was a double DD and had BMX, but I never explained any of that.  I wore sweatshirts so I didn't feel like they could tell too much what was going on.  I looked different, but they werent that worried about that.  That was more of a none issue.  I never said mastectomy or anything specific like that.  Just "surgery" and that the doctors were going to remove the bad cells and more cells around the bad cells.  That was fine with my kids.  (I think they would have been more traumatized if I explained the BMX.)   

They were 11, 12 and 14 at the time.  What the exact surgery was and what I looked like seemed not that much of concern.  They wanted to know about the cancer, that I was going to live, and that I didn't need chemo.  Those things seemed like what they needed to talk about.

Hope that helps! Good luck.