Starting Chemo, November 2013 Group
Comments
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Up and awake at 5am. Which I guess is better than yesterday's 4am. I'd like to blame it on the steroids, but truthfully, I get up around 5 or so even on vacation. I remember one long weekend trip with my mom and three sisters, (yes, all 5 of us in the same room, just a bit crowded but oh, so much fun) I was up about 4:30, sitting on the bathroom floor with the door closed, reading so I didn't wake them up. Anyway, feeling better this time around (knock on wood). Making sure I drink a lot, even keeping a list so I don't overestimate what I've actually drunk. Walking the yard several times, and when your yard is 300 feet long and hilly, it's more of a walk than you think it is. Determined to be better this time. Must see, hear, and enjoy Billy Joel on Sunday. With the emphasis on ENJOY. Don't really remember enjoying too much for the past few months.
Lisa, that's so cool about your music. Keep listening, or even better try to play some. Between the taxo tears and the fuzzy brain thing I can't do much of my 'feel better' which is read. Interestingly, on Sunday I saw that the reprint of the we can do it poster, then I decided I wanted sausage for breakfast so I went up to the grocery, and while coming back, the radio played my favorite 2 Billy Joel songs. I told DH that those were the signs that this would be a good week.
Amazon, it's good to know that you're feeling liberated from some of this stuff. Do you have anymore treatments or are you truly finished?
Audra, hope your swelling goes away soon. And I hope you can find a doctor that you like much better. I'm not sure that there are a lot of them that are such 'Rockstars' as Lisa's, but hopefully you can find one that makes you feel better than the other did.
Jab, It's sad that you are still feeling so down. On the bright side though, the scans are so much easier than the chemo. Just some time, not the nasty SEs. And the heart thing is probably a heart echo as some chemo can effect your heart. I had one before I started and I believe I'll be getting another a little later just to make sure there were no effects. With needing another biopsy, it might be better to keep the port, just in case. And I too need a nature fix. DH was out last night trying to get part of my garden ready so I can hopefully get my cool weather things planted this weekend (cross my fingers). He's afraid he's not doing it right, his gardening talents is solely mowing and weeding, and I have to lead him around every spring and tell him what is NOT weeds. Flowers and growing things are the portals to my soul I think. The connection to life that they bring me gives me a great deal of peace. I need to see, and smell, and touch flowers. And it is a need, not a want.
Quirkygirl, we d have very nice museums here, but I think I'd trade them for knowing my neighbors better. There's only 5 houses on our side of this 7 lane road, and 3 of them are rentals that move too fast to get to know. And a bank across the smaller road. We know the people right next to us but that's it.
Bec, you have to do whatever will make you feel better about the clinical trial. I think I'd try it, since I'd know I could stop at any time it was more than I could handle. But ultimately, only you really know is it's something you should do.
Smrlvr, how is it going, working during rads? I'll absolutely have to go back to work full time by then but if it's mostly tiredness I think I can handle that. Of course, with all the other crap we've been through, jut being tired will be a relief I think.
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SMRLVR- I am happy - even in the midst of this lymphedema in my boobs that feels like HUGE engorgement! / going to PT 3x/week and starting over with a new MO....I am grateful to be alive and cherishing each day! Trying to not let negative/worries come into my mind...it is working!
))Amazon- I saw integrative med./MO in Dallas and she has me taking curcumin twice a day also...plus a calcium tablet that is endorsed by MD Anderson for preventing estrogen breast cancers...plus vit D, resveratrol, fish oil ( not tablets but liquid), and the lovely Tamoxifen...
I am asking my new MO (hope Rockstar quality) about all of those today...she's going to love me, I have a list a mile long of questions...:)
Going for a walk...my daily thing now...and then off to the appointment...I am chanting :grow grow grow grow to my hair all the while
Happy day everyone!
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Question for the group re: Deportation.
Do you think there is much of an infection risk if I choose to have my port removed before I start rads, or should I wait til after? Timing is: I had chemo day before yesterday and will start rads in about 4 weeks.
I did not get the Neulasta shot this time around, but will be on Levaquin for 6 days, instead -- white blood counts looked great, so...
Also, does having the port taken out hurt as much afterwards as having it put in did?
I'd like to have it out asap (like yesterday) and they told me I could do it whenever I chose, but I want to do it when it will be the least amount of risk/pain/aggravation, too.
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I had a fairly good sleep last night. Gave myself one Oxycodone and a couple of Benadryl pills and was out like a light. Of course I was up several times to pee and drink, and apply Calmoseptine to rash, change my sweaty PJ's and back to sleep. I am hoping to get out today to do some walking and do a little shopping as it looks like a nice, warm sunny day ahead.
Judy: I am thinking of you today. I hope that your biopsy goes well and that you are able to handle it. I guess that I might have to do the biopsy myself later because I am still wondering what's going on with the fibroadenoma on my left side.
Lisa: I'm glad you finally got some sleep. That alone can make you feel so much better. In regards to the menopause question, I am now in chemopause, and like you I am hoping that will continue, as I was not a big fan of having periods. I noticed that prior to my dx my hormones were out of wack and I felt like a teenager again with all that hormonal roll-a-coaster. I knew with precision what time of my cycle I was in. I felt something was definately strange with that. And I always had painful periods, that were no fun, and had to be on painkillers. So when I got into chemopause that was a bit of a relief to me even with the hot flashes, night sweats. I hope it to stay this way as I am tired to be what I feel of being an egg making machine.
I think going back to music making would help take some of the negative feelings away. It always makes me feel better when I can sit down and play the piano for a while. It's a type of music therapy for me.
Audra: What's the dosage of your supplements and vitamins? I forgot to mention that I too will be taking fish oil with vit D and a 1x daily multivitamin.
What did they tell you about the resveratrol? From what I have been reading it can work both ways to slow BS, but it can be carcinogenic at the same time. That's rather puzzling.
Wally: I am not fully finished as I have 5 weeks of rads coming up in a few weeks time. The closure I mentioned was about finishing chemo and having my PICC line taken out. How are you doing after your chemo?
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Amazon, something was out of whack for a couple of years with my periods, too! I had had very painful periods ever since I got my tubes tied in my late 20's, but over the past few years I would actually know my period was coming because I would get SICK with something; run a slight fever for a few days, have a migraine, sometimes something like a stomach virus....it changed from month to month but there was always SOMETHING wrong with me and we'd know that I was about to start my period.
Once on my period, it was 4 ibuprofen every four hours and sometimes Flexoril for a couple of days, and just sleep sleep sleep thru the whole thing. SO much pain I had no choice. I do NOT want to go back to that no matter what. Hot flashes? Pfffft. Don't mind 'em when I think about all that pain.
It *has* put a little crimp in the sex life but I'm hoping that after chemo effects are done, and rads, we can work that out. Hubby is pleasantly patient about it -- last time we "did it" I wound up with a UTI, so now he's all worried about that,and it's keeping him patient lol.
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After a way too long and way too cold cancer treatment winter, my forsythia is blooming! And my hair is coming in. I put away all my leftover meds and cancer books. My windows are open and I'm ready to be alive again. Hugs to all of you, especially you chemo girls. The end will come!!!
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This old ELO song was running through my head all day yesterday. We ARE alive and that's the most important thing. We can deal with whatever comes our way even if we are miserable, bald, radiation burned, depressed, scared or sick. We have got what it takes!
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Hi Ladies,
Audra - Thanks for the information regarding implants. I guess I will have some time to determine exactly what size I want. It should be interesting!!
I am feeling much better today. I think I was more streesed about the biopsy then I expected. The Radiologist did an amazing job, and got a couple of samples from a lump near my chest wall in the lower part of the axilla. It was not easy to find but he did after a lot of looking. It again reinforces to me that when you have great committed medical people, you get much better medical care. I really don't expect any issues, given I just finished 5 months of chemo, but will hear about the pathology next week. Anyway, thanks to everyone for the words of encouragement (Amazon - Thanks for the call too!!). I really appreciated it!!
The weather seems to FINALLY be lifting here. We had a hail storm over the weekend which resultng is power outages everywhere, and more tree damage. My northern pup, who loves winter is even sick of the cold. Today it was finally above 0 DegC so both of my dog and I had a bit more 'spring' in our steps on our walk.
Lisa, I too just picked up my Tamoxifan. I almost laughed when the Pharmacist told me it causes hot flashes. Really??? If it makes the ones I am already having worse, I'm going to be wearing sweat wicking clothing all the time. And my head sweats! I use to run and NEVER in all my life, even after running 15k, has the top of my head sweat...until now. It is wierd. I get this strange feeling in my temples and then whammo, almost immediately, I have a sweaty head. Does anyone else get this??
Amazon - I had the hand rash last time. It was nasty, it looked like a burn and scabbed over. Take care!!
Sex life? Did someone say sex life?? So a question to the group - When does the libido come back?? Or maybe a better question is when do the hormones 'normalize' post chemo?
Have good day, ladies
JAB
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I just came back from my walk. It was really nice to be outside and move, but I found that my eyes were watery going strangely in and out of focus. Does anyone have that? My nose was drippy so I had to constantly wipe it and my legs felt super heavy as if they did not belong to me. However, even with these symptoms I was happy to be out in the fresh air.
As far as libido, mine really took a dive after my dx, surgery, subsequent pain, change in self image, chemo, more pain, now chemopause with SE, so I don't even know if it could get better after rads and then Tamoxifen. Any thoughts on that?
Inks, aurda: What kind of curcumin are you going to be taking? I went to a supplement store today and they had many different kinds: just curcumin, then curcumin with turmeric, then curcuminoids etc.. Which one is the best?
Jab: I am glad your biopsy went well and that you had a feeling that the radiologist was good.
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Jab- glad biopsy went well...PHEW!
Amazon- Curcumin 95 it's called (Jarrow brand) - recommended by that integrative MO/GYN I saw...
Lisa- port removal was a cinch compared to getting it in...and I got mine out 3 weeks PFC just due to scheduling at the hospital and they wanted my wbc to be high enough (mine was low)...I have LOTS of scar tissue where it was though and it's getting broken up by the PT...
SEX- OH MY! My gynecologist who I saw for pap smear last month gave me Macrobid and told me to take one after having sex to prevent UTI"s - as I got one last time we did it during chemotherapy or before...can't remember it was so long ago
...but we did try it the other day and I took one and all was well...so that might be the key...as she said the menopause thing and Tamoxifen can cause uti's now worse than in past...Saw new MO this morning. Hated waiting room (loud, packed, very inner city filled) but LOVED the Dr!!!! Got a full foob exam and all!! She was a few years older than I am and ultra calm and assuring and smart...loved her nurse...loved it all but the waiting room...so I think I will continue...she said visits every 4 months...and to get that CT scan rechecked where the spots were on my lung and liver from diagnosis. I am petrified already but scheduled them for May 5...AFTER we get back from our trip...she said she's sure they are nothing and I am cancer free...but they do need to be followed up on as they were there. DARN!!!
I am so happy and positive and ALMOST back to "me' and then these DR visits/scans just remind me I had cancer and throw me back into a tailspin and ruin my coming out of this!!! Wish we didn't go back to get checked...
You all know what I mean I'm sure...it just plain and simple SUCKS that we HAD cancer...!!!!!
Got to run to my daughters cheer meeting for this whole new next year of cheer at school. And I will be at EVERY game since no chemo this next year!!! Hoooooray for that!
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Amszon - I had those symptoms, too and nod they are gone. This will be the case for you, too! It took about 5-6 for the leg thing to ease. At seven weeks, they still are weak but that horrible feeling is gone.
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Jab - my hot flashes really ARE all in my head, lol. I'll get that same "feeling" and next thing I know my entire head is soaked. Glad the biopsy went well!
Amazon -- Yeppers. Drippy eyes, drippy nose. I decided to take my Claritin even though I didn't GET the neulasta shot this time around and presto. No more drippy eyes and drippy nose. Remembered: Oh yeah,, that's what claritin is actually FOR. Haha.
Audra, thanks for that info. I think I might shoot for 3 weeks too then! And will ask about the Macrobid -- might ask Nurse Rockstar. She seems to like writing prescriptions lol.
Sounds like you might have a new Dr. Rockstar of your own. Congratulations! And don't worry about those scans. Good doctor just wants to be on top of evrything about you and have baseline scans of her OWN to check with. I'd worry if she didn't want them.
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Oh yeah and Amazon, I have the weird leg thing too. I'm hoping it does go away quickly; it was better til Monday's chemo, and is still better than it was a week or so ago, but it sucks, for sure.
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Hi everyone --
Thanks for all the input on the clinical trial. I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I called my dentist to ask his opinion re the likely mouth sores (which happen on the gums) and how they might affect my ever-receding gums. I have a couple doctor friends I'm going to call too. I'm not keen on more SEs, but if it might help me AND someone else, maybe I can deal with it for a little bit more?
Lisa, I LOVED your long post! And I especially love symbolism randomly occurring during the day. As for deportation, I think you're good for removal as soon as you'd like. I was supposed to get mine out on a Monday and start rads that Thursday. My lab work wasn't up to snuff, so I had to wait until the following Monday (after two radiation treatments). It worked out just fine and has been no problem at all. In fact, they were able to use the same scar to remove it, and it actually looks BETTER than it ever did. (The worst part was the twilight anesthesia -- I babbled the entire time to the surgery team about my cancer, DD, everything on my therapist list. They shouldn't let me have that again.)
Re leg pains, when I saw my RO and MO this past Monday, I asked both of the why I'm so stiff. I look like my 86-year-old mother when I get up from sitting and take a few steps; actually, she does it better than I do these days. The MO said Taxol is responsible. It actually is a known SE that happens 2 months after infusions are done and can last a few months. Something about ligaments getting tight. She suggested pilates, which isn't going to happen, so I'll just deal with it. Maybe Taxotere has the same SE?
I also picked up my prescription for tamoxifen and will start it next Friday (one week post-radiation).
Audra, congrats on the new doctor...you deserve it!
Quirky, thank you for the photo of your forsythia...beautiful! I miss that from when we lived in the east.
jab, I'll be keeping my fingers and toes crossed for your biopsy results, but I bet you're in good shape with all the chemo.
Wallymama, Billy Joel! Jealous!
Smrlvr, I think of you everyday when my high school son comes home....how you teach a bunch of high schoolers during radiation is impressive!
Well, I'm done with radiation tomorrow. When I leave the cancer center, I'm heading directly to my first support group meeting. I have high hopes!
I've been thinking so much lately about support, and in many different contexts. At our cancer center radiation floor, I first scan myself in, then go change my shirt for a gown and sit in a little area with other women waiting for treatment. One woman and I are on the same schedule, but she doesn't speak English so I've always just visited with her daughter who's pregnant -- a fun diversion. Two new people have been there the last few days. Both are in their 40s -- one has brain cancer, and the other colon. The brain cancer woman wants to stop treatment and shows up sporadically, even though her prognosis is excellent if she continues it. (Her mother told me.) The colon cancer woman just started simultaneous chemo and rads on Monday and has that look about her that we all know -- what the hell is happening to me but I guess I'm doing this. Our time together is usually pretty brief, and it gets cut off as soon as one of our turns comes up. But for those few minutes we're together, they see me as the veteran cancer girl and we have flash therapy sessions. I listen, but I also talk as fast as I can to share with them all the things I've learned here from all of you! Again, I thank each of you so much for helping me and teaching me so much.
I hope everyone has a good evening...cool if you're hot, warm if you're cold, no headaches, sweet dreams!
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About walking: 5 weeks out from last chemo I went for a walk and at about a half-mile was dizzy, bones and joints ached, eyes blurred. A few weeks later I walked a 5K in a small casual event, and a bit later a 2 mile walk as part of a charity event. I am signed up for a 5K walk this weekend (13 weeks post-chemo, 4 weeks post-radiation).
All to say the recovery can be pretty fast!
Also, I realized yesterday morning that my hair has reached the Labrador Retriever stage -- similar length, very thick, and feels just like patting a dog!
Ellen
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I woke up this morning after sleeping for good 12 h with a slight headache. I went to sleep with the same one. I am a bit stuffed up as well, so I guess it must be some sort of sinus infection.
Yesterday I had a little discussion with my hubby after he said to someone on the phone: My wife has it. (BC) I told him to use the past tense next time, since I believe it to be gone, but he asked me: Aren't you still going to have rads? So technically there still could be something left for the rads to take care of. Well, I only could agree.
Ellen: I love the fact that you are able to do all that walking now and the lab dog feel of your hair is impressive! Good for you! I wish I had something to speak of. My hair is now a fine fuzz that could possibly still leave me because I had my final chemo only 10 days ago.
Perhaps I can join aurda's chant: Grow hair grow!
Jab: Praying for good results from your biopsy and good recovery.
Quirky: Loved the pic of forsythia. Beautiful!
Here is a pic from my back yard. The first flowers this spring!!! I love snowdrops!
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Crash day today. Blah. Fingers numb as CRAP so typing is not easy but I'm addicted to typing so....
Amazon, I have that same fuzz all over my head too, and it seems to be growing day by day, kind of noticeably. Hope it doesn't fall out but I reckon if it does, it can grow out again. Grow hair grow!
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Hi Ladies,
Ellen - Amazing - You are recovering so well!! Congrats on the new hair too!
Bec/Lisa - I really likes both of your posts - Suffice to say that there is ALWAYS someone out there that has it worse than you/me. A story along this line - A few years ago I cut my hand on a saw. It was very ugly, I broke two fingers in multiple places and both were cut so deep that it was very questionable if I was going to keep them. Anyway, I had surgery and after, the doctor said she reattached them and if they turned dark over a 4 week period, it would mean they would have to come off. Long story short, 4 weeks passed, and I was waiting in her office to see if I would keep them or not. I was pretty sure they were coming off as they had turned grey. As I waited, a young man with his father came in and his hand was wrapped like mine. He went in to see the doctor and came out with the wrapping off - All 5 fingers had been removed. I will never forget this. He was no more than 21 and had no working fingers on his right hand, and when he left, he left laughing and smiling with his dad. I immediately stopped feeling sorry for myself - Someone always has it worse! (and I kept my fingers)
Amazon - I also have the leg thing, it is slowly getting better. My eyes have been dripping since the first infusion. They are still dripping, I hope it ends soon!! Congrats on getting out walking. I too will be taking vit D once my stomach calms down.
Audra - I'm so glad you found a MO that you like. It is so important to feel like you can trust those who are taking care of you. And a woman to boot!
Lisa - Regarding deportation - I have no idea why, but mine is staying in until after rads, but is seems from all the posts that most have got there's out pre rads. I'd get the bugger out ASAP if it was my choice. It is an indicator to me of cancer, so I want it gone.
I hope all have a great day. The skies are clearing and spring is apon us. May we each feel the renewal of spring as we heal from BC. I just came back from my walk in the woods. The birds were chirping like crazy and the snow was melting. It is truly where I feel at peace.
JAB
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Jab, the reason I am personally considering waiting until after rads to have mine out is because I sort of feel like the risk of infection will be less if I wait a little longer til after my last chemo, and I'm not sure I want to subject myself to it DURING rads. I made it through BMX and 5 drains, plus port insertion with no infections or complications at all, made it through (so far) chemo with only one real fever episode and a single transfusion, so I feel like being careful at this point is probably a good idea.
It could be that same sort of thinking that has them waiting for your deportation. Do it when it's safest.
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Lisa - That makes sense. It really is only another couple of months or so for you to have it in right? Because I'm having surgery first, mine stays in over the summer. Perhaps I'll wear it like a badge of honor....
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If you're having surgery they probably want it for blood draws and such too then, so that makes sense, as well. I know how you feel though; I HATE my port, have hated it since day one, and am still up in the air honestly over whether to call up my surgeon and get it removed before rads or not. I'm just not sure.
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I'm sorry to hear so many of you are itching to get rid of your ports. I did not have one, but I did get poked multiple times on most chemo days. I have seen some people make them into jewelry afterwards.
While my husband went to Florida for 2 weeks I took over taking my son to boy scouts. And one of the boy's grandmother is a 2 year survivor of IBC, she had all 22 nodes involved. She also ended up contracting MRSA and her breast reduction side got infected. She also got horrible radiation burns, the scars were still there, she showed me. She said that she somehow always ends up with complications. But all in all she is doing great, and of course I pray that she continues to do great because she is taking care of the grandson.
Amazon - I ordered the same curcumin C3 complex that my RO used in their clinical trial. And I'm doing the same dose too, 2grams three times a day (for a total of 6 grams). I know a lot of pills. And there have been studies on humans besides rats too. A lot of them are for colon or prostate cancer. I got the turmeric essential oil yesterday too, smells really strong and mediciny, I'm not sure if I can use it a lot. I ordered an extract too but it is in alcohol base, and alcohol dries skin, so I am not sure how to use that.
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finally feeling awake enough to post!
Bec, congratulations on finishing rads! How is your skin holding up? You must be thrilled.
Jab, best wishes for good test results, I will be thinking of you.
Lisa, you wee in my thoughts today. My infusions were also on Mondays and by Thursdays I could not move. I hope it gets better for you soon.
Amazon, your budding flower is pretty. Here in upstate New York there is no sign of spring yet. I have been looking for bids on the trees and nothing. There are still piles of snow on the sides of the streets. I also,have the runny nose still and the nosebleeds since first chemo. I would like those to end.
I also,have that painful,ligament thing. My legs feel heavy and I also walk like an old lady! I try to walk every day and when I sit after, I cannot get up! Also when I am not having hot flashes, I am so cold! I think it is from the radiation. I have been tired from the radiation and working. One good thing is that I no longer have to take Ativan to sleep. I am just so wiped out.
I am wondering about the libido thing too. Since DX it has been gone. First the intense fear and then all the hormonal changes. I know my husband loves me, but I know he doesn't find my mastectomy scar to be a big turn on. We are going to have to work around that. He is a boob guy,. I really don't care if I have reconstruction but I may have to think about it for him. I just am sick,of surgeries, doctors and hospitals. I need a break.
My port was removed 2 weeks PFC. My MO ok'd it because my platelets were high enough for surgery. I had no problems. Also, my BS, who removed the port, wanted it out because if you don't use it the port has to be flushed every 4 to 6 weeks to avoid infection.
Audra, it sounds like your new MO is very thorough. I like that. Getting those scans will put many doubts to rest and reassure you that you are ok. I know they are anxiety provoking.
Can you all tell me what the benefits are of taking curcumin? I am taking turmeric, but have not heard of curcumin.
Going to bed early tonight. I look forward to the weekend when I will not have radiation and I can sleep.
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Thanks, smrlvr, it's good to be in someone's thoughts today. Been kind of a rough day, but then crash day always is, right? So glad it's the last one, and hoping tomorrow will be better.
What's made it worse this week is that my beloved husband has been working out of town all week, is worn out when he gets home, and doesn't make it home at all until between 6 and 8 p.m., and this will continue through next week, as well, and possibly the following week. Gets kind of depressing when I'm here all day alone, don't feel like doing anything, and he's not here to make me giggle or tell me to get off my butt and DO something, lol. So I'm kinda down in the dumps instead of celebrating the end of chemo.
Bless his heart though, before he came home tonight he stopped at the grocery and bought every chicken pot pie they had haha, because he knows that's about the only quick and easy thing I can eat that tastes reasonably good and is wet enough to chew and swallow. A good man, that one.
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smrlvr - here's my understanding of curcumin. Curcumin is the active part of turmeric, your supplement bottle may even tell how much curcumin your turmeric supplement contains. There have been quite a bit animal and test tube studies about curcumin and many types of cancer. It may induce tumor cell apoptosis (programmed cell death). But curcumin is hard to absorb, so they are adding black pepper or Meriva to curcumin supplements to make it better absorbed. If you do a search "curcumin" at clinicaltrials.gov you will see the trials. There is a study about radiation fatigue and curcumin also, so the turmeric you are taking may be helping you with your fatigue already. You are a teacher? I hope the upcoming Easter vacation will give you a chance to recharge your batteries.
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So I have five discussions in my favorites, and no one has posted anything to ANY of them in over 21 hours! How could this be?
How is everyone?
I went to my first "in person" support group meeting on Thursday. I know conventional wisdom dictates that our online group isn't the same (= not as good as) meeting with people face to face, but I don't think that necessarily applies to me. I'm much more reserved in person. However, I'm going to to go again and try to grow into it.
One thing worth sharing -- a woman there who is about a month ahead of me in treatment has lymphedema. After seeing what she's going through, I will do EVERYTHING to avoid having that happen. She sat the entire hour and a half with her arm propped up against a file cabinet, not because it helped with the LE but because just the relief of blood pressure felt better. He entire arm was swollen, right down to all her fingers. She said she's pretty sure she got it from a blood pressure oops. She was at a chemo infusion and got distracted while she was chatting with the chemo nurse. Before she knew it, she could feel the blood pressure cuff tightening on her bad arm, but then it was too late. One week later, her arm was huge and has been for the two months since then.
I have a cold that is getting me down as much as chemo ever did. Between that and the ligament problem, I feel and look like I'm 95. The weather is beautiful after a week of grey skies and rain, but I'm hanging out on the couch with HGTV. Boo hoo!
I hope everyone is doing well!
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Maybe BC is taking a holiday? Wouldn't that be nice? lol
I noticed the quiet too, though. For me, it was a matter of the taxotere pains kicking in (not so bad this time though) causing me to take hydrocodone and just kind of doze a lot; not enough gumption to writing anything.
Having a pretty good day today today though, I think, so far. My husband went out and bought me a case for my new cellphone that he got me, AND he decided I didn't have enough clothes to wear, so he bought me a new pair of shorts and a pair of comfy clamdiggers (I wear those a lot.) He's so awesome.
I was feeling a little bit raw and teary--though not in the Pit of Despair-- when I woke up this morning, but I think I came to a realization if it will just STICK WITH ME: I've been sad and depressed and hurt before; usually at the end of a relationship (I could write novels....) and I've always gotten over it. And even that stuff doesn't happen overnight; it can take a long time to stop hurting just from something like THAT.
BC is the hardest thing I've ever done, the toughest thing that's ever happened to me. To expect to wake up feeling chipper and cheerful every morning is just plain unrealistic and no wonder I can't live up to my own expectations on that front. I haven't been patient enough with myself, and I haven't been patient enough with the emotions that go along with it. My attitude has been "okay, I had BC, I can deal with THAT, because I must, but I CANNOT deal with these feelings of depression and anxiety." And I try to do whatever I can to run away from those feelings which of course only makes me more anxious, right? right.
Well, now I realize that I'm probably just going to have put up with those feelings, at least a little bit, and learn to deal with them properly -- listen to them, let them happen. I hate it, but there it is.
I mean sure, I'd LOVE to wake up happy every morning and not worry about this crap but ya know.... here this crap is, so may as well deal with it.
Of course right NOW I just ate some leftover Chinese food and I'm feeling content as can be; got my oscillating fan sitting right by the bed going full blast on me and seriously considering a nap. I will try to learn, and remember, to be grateful for these content moments and more importantly to remember that even when I am in the Pit of Despair, the contentment DOES COME BACK. It always does.
So there's my thought for the day. Hope it sticks, cuz for once I sound like I'm talking sense.
And of course 90% of my problem is simply that I'm done with chemo, recovering nicely, and scared to death about the next "phase" of this whole thing. It may sound crazy, but I was *comfortable* with chemo, I knew what to expect. Now the road is all new again and I have to learn how to walk it again. Husband let me know today tho that I did not have to walk it alone, so "stop worrying about that" he said.
Good man, he is. -
Bec65 - everyone must be outside enjoying the spring. Still cold and icy in upstate NY, it even snowed at night. I think I might check out a "real life" support group as well. But the one closest to me is all kinds of cancers, so I'm not sure what it will be like. That's too bad about the woman with lymphedema in your support group. My grandmother has lymphedema from her BC surgery but she does not complain. I hope your cold gets better soon!
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I noticed too that in the past couple of days the posting slowed down. Maybe it's the weather. It's nicer and people go out more.
I have been having hard time lately falling asleep. I just lay there feeling raw, thinking what has happened to me, having flashbacks and crying. My heart is racing and I try to pray, but I feel totally abandoned and alone.
I resorted to taking one Ativan last night to calm down. It seemed to do the trick, but I hate the feeling of not being able to control my emotions. I seem to be able to handle it better during the day when I have a lot more distractions and things to occupy my mind, but at night the dark thoughts creep back to me.
The other day I told my hubby that I feel fake, wearing fake hair, a fake boob and fake brows. His answer was that I feel more REAL to him than most people.
He made my day with that comment.
Inks: I ordered my Curcumin C3 complex with bioperine 1000mg 120 pills from Amazon. Where do you get yours?
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hi sweet things! It's Spring in my case and feeling better seven weeks out from my last treatment. I'm beginning to get done normal energy back and it is the best thing in the world for me right now - both in mind and body. Sitting with your emotions is so hard. I'm much better at being "brave" then actually going through them. There are still days I'm shocked I've had a life threatening illness and am still not even sure if mine qualifies. How nuts is THAT? Lol
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