September 2013 Chemo Group

But something has been bothering me too.  With the tragedies of the Malaysia Air flight and the mudslide in Washington, I feel grateful to be alive and be given the opportunity to recognize my mortality (what I am doing about it - still a work in progress).  But the sudden death makes me so sad and while I am from time to time scared for my future I sometimes forget that it would be very easy for something other than BC to kill me.  It does not make me immune from car accidents, falling down the stairs, or just being at the wrong place at the wrong time.  Maybe this is a sign that I am emerging from the 'selfish' cocoon of BC and realizing that other people have big challenges that I empathized with pre-cancer.  I needed to put myself first (otherwise would never have made it through) and put everything and everyone on the back burner during that time.  But I am 2 months post treatment and while I am starting to feel like myself a little I am also realizing how much I want to live and sometimes this is paralyzing.  I don't know and am kind of rambling but these tragedies ..... I don't know if I am expressing myself right - do you all feel this way?

Kbee - I hear you on the hair.  Now that mine has gotten a little longer, its hard to control. So many weird cowlicks that go in all different directions. Go for it on the Dam to Dam!  My brother-in-law was paralyzed in a freak wresting accident 5 years ago. He is planning to do the wheelchair race at Dam to Dam for the first time this year!  There'll be a lot of inspiring people participating.!

Peacock.  Your hair looks terrific and so do you. Sorry about the scan. Ugh.  I'd do it.  I have my three month check up on Friday. I don't know if my MO will order any scans.

KJ - - I want to see a picture of you on a lounge chair by the pool!!!! 

I have been relatively pain free in my arm for the last week.  I wore the lymphedema sleeve to run once and to x-c ski twice. Its tight, but okay.. and I'm glad to get back out there!

On Saturday, one of our local hospitals offered a free Cancer Survivor's Conference, which I went to with my parents, who were in town.  It was wonderful, with a very motivational speaker!  This is a picture from the event.  Next to me is a friend who is going through chemo for ovarian cancer right now. Next to her is a friend whose daughter had bone cancer at age 2 and had her lower leg removed but is healthy and thriving 15 years later.  Next to her is a friend from church who went through breast cancer treatment a little ahead of me and gave me great support.   Too many people have been touched by cancer, but I'm glad to have support here and online!!

Had my rads planning session today.  Got sharpie markings and little "stickers" over them instead of tattoos.  LOL   Told me if I promise to leave them on (they'll replace them if they start to come off) I won't need to be marked permanently.  I look like my daughter used my chest as a coloring book.

They will work on my plan and call me next week with a start date.  33 sessions. 

I took an hour nap today and woke up to a shit storm with this stupid softball schedule.  It's never-ending and I'm exhausted.  I know somebody's gotta do it, but seriously, people complain about the dumbest stuff.

Viji, Good advice to "love yourself".  I think I need to learn to love what I see in the mirror; even if it is not what I'd like to see.  I am grateful to be alive for my family and grateful for the knowledge and technology available to keep me here, and I do need to love whatever reflection stares back at me.

LHL, Glad you didn't need the tattoos.  To have spent so much time on a schedule and face complaints, would have made me beyond angry.  My canned response would be, " I spent X hours on the schedule trying to accomodate everyone.  Apparently you feel you could do a better job, so I would be glad if you'd take it off my hands next year.  Hopefully you won't be exhausted from months of fighting cancer like me."  In fact, I would probably "go Jersey" on them.  I live in Iowa now, and have for the past 18 years, so I have mellowed  very much...but every now and then my Jersey Girl attitude creeps to the surface.  I am certain that situation would have made them see the Jersey Girl in me.    Kudos to you for all of the time, energy and patience you've had.  I hope you take time for YOU here really soon!

KJ, Bummed about the kayaking; I hope you'll be able to do some this summer.  One of the reasons I chose to do my nipple recon now instead of waiting until summer (which was my initial) plan was because I didn't wan tto be told not to get in the water.  I missed a lot of pool time last summer due to biopsy and BMX, so I intend to make up for it this year.

Running, I love the picture!  That looks like a great event.  Awesome that your brother in law is doing the wheelchair race at Dam to Dam.  He must be really strong!!!!!  He'll probably finish an hour ahead of me, but I'll have to look around the finish area (where people tend to linger for a long time) and see if I run into him.  When it gets closer, send me a PM with what he looks like, and his first name.  I am guessing I will end up walking about half of it, but I am looking forward to finally doing it, and not "waiting until I am in shape" to sign up.  Usually I am a paramedic along the route...this year, I hope to not be treated by the paramedics along the route!

Art, Good to see you back.  I hope warmer weather can bring some activities to give you and Nat a brief reprieve from all fo the cancer stuff.

Josgirl, I also am feeling grateful to be alive.  I see the tragedies on the news and see a lot on a smaller scale in my day to day work.  It does generally allow me to put things in perspecive and remember that this is just temporary...as rotten and inconvenient as it is.  I think I just need to step away from the mirror for a  bit...and I wish people would stop saying my hair looks like my sons.  When I was little, I wanted long hair, but my parents cut it really, really short so that it would not tangle and was easy to take care of.  I hated it and hated when people would mistake me for a boy, so I think it hits a raw nerve.  Time for me to suck it up and get over it.  When in May is your run?  Mine is at the end of the month, so I've got a bit more time to prepare, but I will lose 2 weeks due to surgery.  I plan to run 3-4 miles about 3 times per week and do a long run each weekend.  I went 6 miles on Saturday and hope to do 7 or so this week...that should get me up to 9 by May...or that's the thought anyway!  Running has been a great stress reliever for me!

Vintage, So glad you are able to get out more.  I think it does wonders for my mood when I can get out and about.  I am very much looking forward to warmer temperatures here this weekend so I can get out!

Audra - I hate my wigs, too.  I almost never wear them anymore.  Just hats or bandanas.  I'm SO SICK of fake hair!

Audra - Yes.  YES!  This scheduling mess and people whining about softball isn't helping, but yes.  I feel like I have PMS all the time.  I've been in "chemopause" since Sept and now with the Tamox..... yeah, not helping.  My husband probably hates me.  LOL

I'm going today to see the onco radiologist. I believe it is a meet & greet, get all the info etc. I'm not 2 weeks post BMX yet so maybe they will schedule my session within 2-3 weeks.

I updated my avatar to show off my "chemo curls". I told my 12-year old son that I have "flow".  He said, "No. There's something seriously wrong with your hair today!"!

Josgirl - - I have had overwhelming feelings of "wanting to live" lately.  Didn't think about it much during the busyness of treatment, but now as I start to think of new goals post-cancer, I think more about the chances of recurrence and how I want to live my life going forward... whether I get cancer again or not.  The other night at my daughter's play, the production had to be stopped for a while for paramedics to care for and wheel a middle-aged woman out of the theater.  I truly thought "there, but for the grace of God, go I" and was teary all evening about how lucky I am right now to be "healed" from cancer and how sad I am that other people are dealing with worse cancer diagnoses or other serious health problems.

Good luck with decision making, Art and Nat!

Josgirl and Kbee - - I'm signed up to run Grandma's Half  Marathon on June 21.  I ran 4 miles the other night after I got my lymphedema sleeve, but I have a long ways to go to get in shape!  But I'll run/walk if need be and just be happy to be back on the course!!  Good luck with your training!

LHL - - You get the Volunteer of the Year Award!  I was a Girls Scout leader for 7 years, and I could never quite believe the nerve of parents to complain or to suggest that I do more - - as an unpaid single parent volunteer!!!! 

I'm planning a big party on June 7 for all the people who helped me get through this cancer journey! Wish you could all come! 

ok. Seriously. Here is a pic on vacation...

I have a friend who went through rads right before Christmas and she was HORRIFIED about laying there topless.  I don't know..... maybe it's because I had a BMX so my breasts aren't really "mine"..... just weird, freaky, fluid filled expanders sticking out of my chest?  It doesn't really bother me.  They don't look like breasts so I'm not really self-conscious about them.  LOL   And that's really odd, because I'm VERY self-conscious normally.

Great seeing you KJ!  You look so relaxed.

appt set for next Thur for my markings it looks like I am close with simple life & LHL. Peacock OMGEEE loving your hair. I don't wear wig at all I go topless everywhere unless it's cool out then I throw on a baseball cap

VintageGal- I'm getting the same thing, "Wow, that looks great." I've heard this from doctors, prosthetic sales people and my physical therapist. Why can't I believe it? I've got a 12 inch scar from my sternum to my armpit--it doesn't look that good to me. lol

SouthernGirl-Looking good! I'm 9 weeks pfc and I still have shiny spots where no hair has grown in yet. I really need to stop checking it every day.

Went for rads consult. I'll be going for my simulation 4/14 and will start the next day. 33 treatments. I can't believe it's been 7 months since I was diagnosed. It seems much longer.

ladies I fail to mention that I will have my port removed tomorrow um I think I am a little nervous about the procedure but I am happy to put this behind me

Southerngirl, Yahoo for deportation.  One step closer to the finish line!  Wow !  You are beautiful!  I love your picture!

Chickchick, It's hard not to check that mirror every day, isn't it?!

Vintagegal, It sounds like things must look like they are healing nicely and really look good post surgery.  That's awesome!

LHL, I agree that I am usually very modest, but do not care who I bear my breasts...or breast-like things...to during this process.  Kind of like childbirth; it's what these folks do and see all day; they don't flinch.

Peacockgirl, The hair is definitely a silver lining for you.  Glad to see it coming in so beautifully.  I hope your pain resolves soon.  That sounds awful.

KJ, You make me laugh!  Love the vacation pix.

Running, Glad you are signed up for the half marathon; that one looks like a neat race!

Alfranco, Thanks for the hot flash info.  All my MO suggested were prescription antidepressants.  I am tired of taking things with their own side effects, so I told him no thanks.

Simple, As much as I dislike my hair, I do enjoy the comfort of nothing on my head...especially moving into warmer weather.  I am glad the hat and wig phase were during cool months!

Audra, you summed up how I feel too.  I am so thankful to feel good physically and mentally.  I just want to look more like the old me.

I am 18 weeks pfc today.  I will try to change my profile picture of post a picture today.  I am hoping if I get my hair dyed soon, it will help me to keep track of new growth better.  I am sure it's still growing but it does not seem that way.  I think that's because it is curling more as it grows............................

alfranco,

I have been taking 400mg 3x a day of vit e for something else since the end of rads and have noticed that my hot flashes have reduced in intensity. Still have them but much more of an annoyance now than intolerable almost make me pass out type before. Not sure if just vit e or the time out from chemo but I did hear that was a nice se of vit e. Hope it works for you too!