Starting Chemo, November 2013 Group

Finally feel good enough to catch up with everyone. Sinus infection cleared up, SEs doing better. Just in time for taxotere #2 on Monday. Oh, well, a couple of good days is better than none. My fingernails aren't as sore, the toenails are pretty sore, but since I have really odd shaped, ingrown toenails I sort of hope they do fall out. My feet burn a bit but it's ok until I go to bed, then it's worse. I'm going to ask for something on Monday to just take at night.

tonilee, that's a beautiful cat. I miss having a cat, but I feel like I have all I can handle right now.

lisa, we have a 'special' dog too, but he too has a great memory. If I could just figure out how to get him to stop chasing reflections. At least he only chews on papers and books, not furniture. But I do have a couch that I hate, but Hubby likes it, if I could get him to chew on it I'd have to replace it, wouldn't I.

jab, kayaking always looks like fun, but since I don't swim very well it's not something I'll ever try. When you get too down you can always just go sit in one and pretend.

Pat, I love those earrings you have on in the 'after' picture. Earrings are my biggest weakness, and I've been wearing my biggest, guadeyest ones lately. And yeah for going out bare. I've taken my hats (still too cold to leave home without one) off in stores and restraurants.

Bec65, whine all you want. We understand.

Northwinds, how did your hubby's surgery go?

Ellen, so glad someone finally got out of the tunnel. Celebrate. I want to try to get my kids and us to go to the Smokey Mountains to celebrate when I finish.

Smrlvr, enjoy the sun even if you do have to cover up. And concentrate real hard about sending some of it to the rest of us. Maybe it'll work. Glad your daughter only has a UTI instead of stones. UTIs are much easier to deal with. My hubby actually lost a kidney because of stones. Hope the new meds help her fast. 

Geez, you girls are just the best!  This is such a place of comfort for me, whether it's about cancer or sofas!  I actually had a moment of anxiety when the site was down yesterday.

Northwinds, how did your husband's surgery go? 

Ellen, I think I will feel when I'm done like you're feeling now.  The world seems to think we should have a big balloons and rah rah party like when a kid gets their braces off.  For me -- and I'm being smacked upside the head with my control issues on many fronts these days -- it's that feeling that I won't be doing something to fight the cancer.  Somehow I'm going to have to put a lot of drama into taking tamoxifen so that I can get what I need from it mentally.  

Smrlvr, I hope you are enjoying your getaway.  Your daughter sounds like she'll be okay, so I hope you can get back to your beach read!

Pat, I'm so excited for you that you're almost done.  Is your port out?

Re chemo brain...I went to Costco this morning, as I have done a gazillion times, because I needed to return something.  So, I walked in the exit side, as always, and stood at the end of the line of people.  I had a feeling that something was different, but I looked around and figured it was that they had a lot more of services-provided stands (garage doors, heat/air, flooring, etc.), and I kept waiting in line.  Now, I do live near two Costcos, but I've been in both of them a gazillion times over the years.  I know where things are.  Besides, it's Costco.  My Costco is just like your Costco.  So, I finally get to the front of the line and realize only then that no one in front of me had had carts or was carrying things to return.  So, I meekly ask, "Is this where I can return these capris and toothpaste?"  The guys gets a really amused look on his face and points to the counter closer to the door, where it's always been, that has the massive sign hanging above it that says "Merchandise Returns."  To add insult to injury, there was no line for returns.

I met the LCSW at the cancer center yesterday, and she is going to email me a list of therapists and groups in my area.  She was actually very good to talk to, but she is only the referral person.  She did recommend a couple of books to me to help me with my issues with control, so I'm reading those as fast as I can.

My skin is starting to darken from radiation, but it isn't sore or peeling.  I'm just so, so, so tired.  I feel like myself all morning, but by lunch time I'm ready to curl up like a cat.  Of course, getting everyone out the door and radiation take up the whole morning, so I feel like I have no life.  Seven down, 18 to go.

Paulette, how are things?

I hope everyone has a calm weekend...xoxo.

Hi Ladies,

Lisa, I too can't seem to drink coffee like I use too which is good thing. It is and has alway been my one vise that I couldnt really break. Anywho, I'm wondering  if when the pathologist took a look inside my boob if he found coffee grounds.

smrvlr - Thanks for the reco re my water foobs. Now I'm scared to back to the drug store where I was going to buy them. so your on line idea is a good one!

Wallymama - Right now I am almost nutty enough to sit in my kayak in the garage in -10 deg weather. If this cold spell doesn't end soon, I'm going to put skates on the things and take them out on the water that way! I hope your feeling better soon - The taxotere really sucks (I have no other words to discribe it).

Bec65 - I liked your Costco story - Made me feel like I was not the only one.....

Amazon - Congrats on your second to last taxotere - One more to go!!!

Northewinds - Great photo - I'd LOVE to have a horse, but figured if I did I'd soon be living in a stable and have 5 horses. It sound like your area of the world is beautiful.

Ellen - Congrats on finishing rads - Keep us posted on ongoing SE's. I have read they can peak after you are done.

Tonalee, Audra, Paulette - how are you?

Yesterday I finally got to see my BS. He has been away, so it was a meeting long overdue. Based on the results of my latest CT scan, I will be having my other breast removed pre rads, as soon as the chemo is out of my body and my blood is looking better (looks like first week of may). So I won't be on the rad train with everyone else...Anyway. I also will be getting a core biopsy of the node in my axilla, which could mean, a sentinal node biopsy on the surgery, but again need to wait for a healthier state. The nodule in my lung will be staying for now and it is still to small to biopsy, so it is a wait and see thing. I left wondering about PET scans and if it would give me more complete info. We dont do them in NB for breast cancer, as it is not considered to be 'helpful', so I'll have to go to a private clinic (which are rare in Canada). Anyway, I am investigating now so will let you know what I find out.

Have a good weekend ladies

JAB

Amazon, yes the pains are big pains in the arse. So sorry you're experiencing them. Jab: good luck with the extra bumps in the road. Sucks big time. You will get out in that kayak, and when you do it will feel so sweet. Most of my taxotere issues are gone, except that the soles of my feet hurt when I walk, and I've still got occasional cramps.

I finally got my port out Wednesday! Yay. I thought it might be tough, since my H got the flu Monday (despite getting a shot) so I simply willed myself not to-- it worked! I've only got two more rads to go, then see the MO this coming Wednesday for my rx for the dreaded five years of drugs. I'm figuring that since it's so important, 50% reduction in recurrence, I'm going to tell the doctors that they're just going to have to prescribe me whatever drugs I need to tolerate the five years. Who cares if I grow dependent or not, I can deal with that after the five years are up. It's just too important that I stay hormone blocked.

I fell apart on Tuesday, but I've now got cream to treat the burns, I can take anti-inflammatories now that the port is out, my neck feels a zillion times better without that horrid thing in it: all is looking good. Thanks so much to my support team (all of you), I'm getting through this.

Pat- Yay on port removal and I LOVE your hair and wigs!  Glad you are almost done with radiation and I admire your 'fierce' attitude!  I have 2 wigs and only 1 wearable, the other I am wanting to get cut so I can wear it... HATE them both and the itching and tight feeling and fake hair feeling!  I WANT my REAL hair!!! 

My hand and foot thing is still alive and well...hands are better but feet still red hot and painful..I went to dermatologist the other day and she gave me a cream which helps them exfoliate and shed the blisters...not seeming to work yet...

Amazon- Hoping you feel WAY better asap! Hang in there sweetie!

Jab- I'm sorry you have to have another surgery, but the up side is then you won't have to worry about that side ever getting it!  I am very glad I did the double mastectomy!  VERY!  I do sortof wish I would've gotten smaller foobs though...they are big and annoying at times...I have read the PET scans do NOT pick up anything under 1cm in size....everything on my CT scans were smaller than that!  Which makes them even more upsetting as they cannot 'fully' say what they are...I have a small 3mm one on lung, and 6,8mm ones in liver that are 'unidentified' and have to get them re scanned in October.  I worry about them off and on, trying to less and less...

Bec- what are the control issue books?  I need them!

Quirky- I didn't have swelling...maybe you need to call DR?

Lisa- You sleep like my middle daughter!  She sleeps anywhere/anytime and more than anyone Ive ever encountered.  It sounds wonderful!  I am just now sleeping better and would LOVE to sleep all morning but still have 15 year old at home that needs to get to cheer before school at 0645 every day...BARF!  Wish I loved my MO like you do!  I called mine to ask about using minoxodil for hair growth after dermatologist visit- she recommended it and said check with mo...anyhow his nurse called back to tell me she' didn't know and I could do what I want to'...I called back and said 'can you ask the DR and call me back?'  that was Thursday and she never called me back!  SHE is NOT nice or helpful at all..- do what I want to? really? wow.

Taking first trip since this BC thing tomorrow.  Hoping no sneezing on plane or other illnesses!  I was a germaphobe BEFORE this so now I am really leery of people and their illness they spread all over! 

I am wearing a 'sleeve' thing as my foob and armpit have swelling / maybe lymphedema and I'm also wearing lovely compression socks to prevent blood clots in my body from the Tamoxifen!  OH, and the wig.  NICE...I feel like a freak with all of the 'gear' needed nowdays and I HATE it! 

Wish me luck and no meltdowns or acting fierce and angry during my travels.  My poor husband ..:)

Jab - I did get a chuckle out of your "Quest for water boobs". But when it happened I bet you were on the verge of a breakdown. I believe that it is very positive that you are able to look back at it from a different angle and it brings on a different emotion now.

Wally - good luck with your taxotere today!

Amazon - You are so close to being done, you can do it!

Quirky - so sad to hear about your swollen ankles. And it's weird how it developed so long after treatment.

Pat - your "fierce" state must be contagious. I have been going to gym topless too, I don't give a crap what people think. I get so itchy and sweaty on the elliptical.

Taxotere #2 almost finished. Really concerned  about SEs and afraid they may comulative.

Amazon, are you sure the blood isn't  from a hemmiroid. If it's fresh, bright red blood that's probably what it is and they don't have to be especially sore to hurt. 

Some foot and toe pain left, the fingernails are holding their own. Minor joint pains gone. Taste buds not too bad. I'm sure it'll all change by tomorrow though.

Hope everyone is doing better,and has a great week,

Jab, I am so sorry you are going through this.  Good luck with your surgery.  We will be here for you.  The questions you ask are the same I ask myself all the time.  Would it be better to know than to keep worrying that it will happen?  I really need help in dealing with the not knowing and not letting it interfere with living.  Because I am a control freak type A personality.  On the other hand, if you know you can make a plan.  I think it's a bit unfair that the doctors don't want to look into anything unless you have symptoms.  To me the earlier they get on it the better. But to answer your question, I would worry either way.  So, I guess it's best to live and let live.

Wally, good,luck today on your chemo.

Northwinds, how is your husband?

Amazon, I have had blood in my stools intermittently through all chemo.  It was bright red and I  think brought on by hemroids or fissures.  It stopped when my stools were softer so I eat a lot of prunes.  Coffee helps too.

Quirky, I don't have leg swelling, but my legs do feel really heavy.  Last night I laid on the couch after dinner and my whole body felt so,heavy I couldn't even move.

Audra, it's good to hear from you.  

Bec, I have some hair that is growing from where it left off, and the rest is starting to some in thin and slow.

It was nice being in Florida; it felt so,good to be warm and feel the sun on my face.  However, I felt so high maintenance having to,deal,with wigs, fake eye brows and the like.  I hate this.  DD called on Wednesday from the ER once again with her UTI.  After hours of drama in the ER they determined that she is one of a few people who,don't respond to Bactrim.  They put her on cipro and now she is better.  Finally.  While in Florida I noticed I developed cording on my bad arm and it was so painful.  I stretched and stretched and popped a chord which made it better. Then I noticed a swollen lymph node by my elbow.  It is really painful there too. And swollen.  So I called to make an appointment with my PT but I need a new script which I was hoping to get  today from my RO when I went for sim today.  They called me at 730 this morning to move my appointment to Wednesday.  I know it should not be a big deal but I was mentally ready for the scariness of today.  Plus I wanted to show the RO my swollen node and make sure it is not a scary swollen node. So now more anxiety.  Tomorrow I get my port removed.  It is an inpatient procedure and I will be out for it. Scary day tomorrow too. I hate that there's always something to worry about.  Good thing I still have my Ativan.

I hope all of you have a great week and feel as good as,possible.  I am thinking of,all of you.

Tonilee  and Paulette, where are you?

Just home from Taxotere #3, and the first one for me that's JUST Taxotere, so Dr. Rockstar told me he upped the dosage some this time 'round. What that will mean for me in SEs remains to be seen, I reckon, but I CAN say that taxotere #2, with Cytoxan, was almost a non-event. I had maybe 4 days when I took two very low dose hydrocodones per day for pain, the bottoms of my feet felt a little like I'd been walking barefoot on hot pavement at times--nothing major, just annoying-- and my stomach was SENSITIVE (my taste buds want pizza, my stomach objects,) but otherwise, I felt fantastic. For being on chemo, anyway. 

Definitely a huge improvement over how I felt for the four rounds of A/C, no question about it. The only oddity is that one day I'll feel great and the next day I'll feel tired as heck and sleep all day, then several days of feeling great, then a tired day. There seems to be no rhyme or reason or pattern to it. But that's okay. I can live with it.

Will be interesting to see if this time around is worse, the same, or what. So far, so good, though, four hours after infusion. Haha..

In three weeks I get my last chemo treatment (March 31st.) Doc is setting me up for the BRCA test, and planning my meeting with the radiation people, discussing tamoxifen, or if we can get insurance to pay for an oopherectomy, Femara. This train is moving on to the next station, and I'm glad....and yet in a way kind of scared because weird as it sounds, I'd actually gotten kind of comfortable with being in "doing chemo" mode. 

New chapters are always scary at first, I guess, and radiation, and then moving on, are new chapters.

I gotta answer the question about wanting to know if I'm actually stage 4 or not.

Obviously, I'm on the very verge of Stage IV to start with, staged as a IIIc. Scary stuff. 

I had 11 of 22 positive nodes, and one (or maybe two) of those had been completely taken over by cancer...extracapsular extensions or some such weird terminology. I do know it was large enough that before surgery, I could FEEL that node sometimes when I would lay certain ways. Makes me shudder even now. Also, my "lump" was 5cm at surgery but that was AFTER it had been biopsied and my surgeon took EIGHT pieces of it at biopsy so who knows how big it was before biopsy. (I'm gonna ask him about that one of these days.)

My surgeon didn't tell me the part about the extracapsular whatsits; I saw it myself in the pathology report when my husband picked it up to turn in to Aflac and had to look it up to see what it meant, and honestly, I've wished a LOT of times that I had NEVER seen that. But, I searched these forums and found several ladies who had a very similar diagnosis, extensions and whatnot, years ago, and who are doing just fine now, and that made me feel better. Much much much much much better. I can't even begin to explain how much that calmed me.

Aflac rocks, by the way. But I digress.

Quick answer: NO. If I am already stage IV I really do NOT want to know it right now. And I will tell you exactly why and it has NOTHING to do with being ostrich-like and sticking my head in the sand. I know what I'm doing here.

(NOT so quick answer: You've been warned. I just hope I can explain it so that y'all can see where I'm coming from.) 

Someone I know very well was diagnosed at Stage IV from the get-go almost three years ago. At the time, they found mets to her liver, bones, and lungs. 

In the early days, the mets to her bones were so extensive that she had all sorts of instructions about being careful because some of her bones apparently could have just crumbled at pretty much any time--or at least that's how they made it sound, and they did have her using a cane to walk around there for a bit. 

I don't think the lung or liver mets were symptomatic at all in the beginning -- the whole thing was discovered because of a lump in her breast that she put off having checked out; she was YOUNG, only 27, and breast cancer was just unthinkable, and she looked and seemed healthy so....

Anyway, as I said, I don't think the other mets were symptomatic, but in those early days after her diagnosis--the first few months-- she DID have  pain from the bone mets (taken care of with pain meds and radiation,) but the liver and lung lesions were definitely there, the liver one at least was big enough to be biopsied, and they were serious business. Not just tiny little things that might or might not be cancer, not like my hemangioma, not like some of these other things y'all are describing that have you (understandably) worried. 

At one point the lung mets WERE apparently causing quite a bit of coughing, so they were symptomatic at one point in the game, at least.

Chemo took care of all of that. Seriously. ALL of it. 

Now, she is NOT NED, and never has been: She is Her2+ and 6 months after her initial diagnosis, "several" lesions were discovered in her brain. We never knew exactly how many "several" was (she is one of those who doesn't actually ask her doctors very many questions; she does what they say, and lives her life,) but it was enough of them that she was given Whole Brain Radiation at that time---too many lesions for using the more targeted zaps.

Since then, for most of the time, the bone, lung, and liver mets have been almost a non-issue; not just non-symptomatic, but most of her scans have shown NOTHING cancerous below the neck. NOTHING. All GONE. Those mets haven't been symptomatic because they haven't BEEN THERE. 

If it weren't for those pesky brain mets (for which she has had several different treatments including targeted zaps and surgery because they--or rather, new ones-- keep popping back up again) she'd be NED.

Between brain lesion treatments she's taken trips, spent time with her little boy and her family, thrown parties, gone to parties, done volunteer work, hung out with friends, helped with remodeling her family's home, gotten a divorce, dated, grown her hair back out, lost it, grown it out again, been sick sometimes, and felt pretty normal a good deal of the time, as well. She's been living, and enjoying, her life.... and again, if it weren't for the brain mets--which are a whole other ball of wax and harder to treat due to the whole "blood brain barrier" problem, she'd be NED right now. No evidence of disease below the neck despite the fact that when her  mets below the neck were discovered they were DEFINITELY not unidentifiable blips on scans that might or might not be anything to be concerned about. Not like my hemangioma.

My point here is that knowing all this,  I could choose two paths to walk:

Path #1. (The low road, lol.) I could drive myself crazy worrying that I might already be Stage IV, and demand test after test until they either do or do not find something, and if they do, I stay in chemo/treatment land, and don't get to spend any time putting cancer BEHIND ME. I feel good (chemo and lack of boobs and hair aside) and nothing is symptomatic even if it IS there right now, so why in the WORLD would I want to do that?

Path #2. (The high road.) I could accept that my surgeon and two oncologists, plus a very capable NP, all agree that my scans look fine (one probable common hemangioma on my liver, and something about bone deterioration on my collarbone, but otherwise, FINE.) NONE of the professionals who have seen my scans have seemed concerned about anything they saw.

I choose path #2 because maybe one day I'll have some symptoms or we'll do a scan for some reason and it will turn out that I AM Stage IV, and then I'll deal with that. THEN.

The thing is that from what I understand, and from what I've seen from my friend's experience, if something IS found, if chemo (or Aromatose Inhibitors since I'm er+ pr+ but not her2+) will shrink it NOW (if it's there) it will shrink it THEN just as easily.

Let me repeat that: If more chemo and treatment would help my (theoretical) mets NOW before they are growing and/or symptomatic, then that treatment will help them just as well later, AFTER there is a reason to go looking for trouble.

Now obviously I wouldn't want to sit around ignoring symptoms until (as my mom would say) my liver is "eat slam up with cancer," and too much damage has been done. If I have symptoms, real symptoms, I will get them checked out, and deal with the results as they come in.

Sensibly. (Okay, first I'll freak out. But then I'll be sensible. Right after renewing my Ativan prescription. lol.)

But until then.....why the hell would I want to put myself through that? Stage IIIc is bad enough without going looking for a reason to upgrade it. Seriously.

Another aspect of that, too and something I've thought a LOT about:

If I DO have little tiny undetectable mets someplace right now, they aren't actually HURTING anything, right? Growing and spreading maybe, but then again, maybe not, who knows? Maybe just sitting there minding their own business. They could die out on their own.... and after all, that IS part of what the Tamoxifen (or Femara) is for.

Now if I were to FIND those mets and start some sort of more harsh treatments for them NOW, we ALL know that pretty much every treatment for cancer takes its OWN toll on the body and organs and our health in general, right? *Treatment* for cancer can be almost as dangerous as the cancer, and it certainly isn't pleasant.

Okay, on the other hand, lets say that I just let those little mets do their own thing until they start to get big enough to cause symptoms or create a change in my body that I notice....and THEN I start treatment for them.

Guess what I MIGHT have just done? I just might have bought myself months or YEARS of time that those little mets just sit there minding their business and I'm NOT in treatment and am therefore not hastening my own declining health and possible death with harsher cancer treatments.

Bought myself possibly YEARS of time for those to just mets sleep away and during which researchers just MIGHT find a freaking CURE for this crap, metastatic and otherwise. Yeah baby! We're getting closer all the time, I BELIEVE that. 

If nothing else, I've bought time for them to come out with more and better and less dangerous drugs to treat it.

Certainly I've bought myself months and maybe years of time when I'm NOT dealing with treatments and a bald head, side effects, (nevermind the SEs I'll most likely have from the Tamoxifen or Femara, depending on which one I wind up on) and all the other generally pain-in-the-posterior stuff that goes along with being "in active treatment."  QOL, baby!

See, I considered all this very carefully when I saw that pathology report (once I was done freaking out and telling my husband "OMG I'm going to DIE!!!," lol)  and once I thought it through very carefully and very logically, I totally GET what the doctors say about how finding mets "early" doesn't tend to "extend life expectancy."  

Because once they ARE found, the treatments will either shrink (or eradicate in some lucky cases) the mets, or they will not, and whether you find them when they are 1mm or 2cm is usually irrelevant. 

Waiting until they are 2 feet wide and you can claim them as dependents on your tax returns is a totally different thing, of course, because then they are big enough to cause symptoms and major damage. I'm (once again) NOT advocating ignoring something that is SYMPTOMATIC for more than a couple of weeks, or is an obvious change in your body. Get THAT stuff checked out. Pronto.

So yeah, based on what I know, my choice is to listen to my body, be watchful but not paranoid, and live my life. 

Takin' the high road, all the way.

Does this make sense?

It's almost 2 in the morning and I can't sleep. WHY can't I sleep? Because I can't stop getting up to PEE. And I'm having to wear a pad because occasionally I must pee before I even realize I must pee and I'm tired of changing pants. Sigh. I think they must have pumped me full of water today instead of chemo and pre-meds. This is ridiculous.

@Quirky You'd think I'd be used to it by now, but it was worse last night than before; maybe because I'm getting over UTI, I dunno. Better today so far and I hope it stays better because I've got to go for my Neulasta shot in an hour or so---or "whenever you want to show up" they said yesterday-- and the ride is an hour each way. Lots of fast food restaurants with germy bathrooms along the way though! Hah.

This is my 3rd attempt to post this, as I unfortunately lost it the first 2 times in the cyber space.

Here are my thoughts on "knowing your stage 4 or not' question. You can look at it from 2 perspectives:

One would be more like me, always trying to be on top of things, researching, questioning, ultimately having more questions than answers.

Or like my hubby, who is going with the flow, trusting things with work out eventually for the better, and accepting answers from med pros as status quo.

Both of them have pros and cons. The pros of being proactive is that you feel like you have some control over your destiny and makes you feel like you have done something to make it better.

On the other hand, you can become a worrywart, and literally worry yourself to death.

The other approach has its advantages in worrying less and just living your life, but that also implies that you let cicumstances dictate your life.

I guess there should be also a happy medium, when you are proactive, but you don't let worries take over your life.

I would like to add a quote by an HIV patient whose answer to the question: What it's like to be dying of AIDS? he answered that he would rather rephrase that question into:

What's it like to be LIVING with AIDS?

My approach would be similar: What would it be like LIVING with BC?

There are numerous medical conditions that are not curable, for instance heart disease, yet many people go about their normal lives.

Once you have a heart attack, it's the first of many, and one of them can be fatal. A lot of people just have to accept that as a fact of life. They do go on meds, but go on normal living as much as possible.

Another comment would be an idea that my nurse mentioned to me after I broke down in my MO's office. She said that I should think of getting bc like getting into a car accident. You get hurt, but then you are trying to get fixed up and get better, and eventually you go back to driving your car after you overcome your initial fears of driving again.

Hey All! Finished rads today. Thank the powers that be I had IORT at surgery, because I would have refused the boosts. Even the RO, surveying the damage he had wrought said he didn't see how my skin could have tolerated it. Black and peeling axilla and poor pitiful nipple. Bandaged nipple with a telfa non-stick pad yesterday that still managed to pull off the skin when I removed it. So unbelievably happy to have the port out: every time I turned my neck I felt it, yuck! but enough about me...

Quirky, yes to the swelling. After my 4th TC I gained 12 pounds, all in my feet and legs. They were hideous and sore. I called my Dr, spoke to the nurse, and she said to call back if it got worse. I don't think I adequately impressed her with how bad it really was, cause the rads nurse was shocked I wasn't put on diuretics. I lost the weight in a week and a half, round about weeks 4-5. I peed so much and so often that my kidneys got sore!

Amazon, I had some hemorrhoid bleeding while on chemo. Hello, preparation H! Stick with them stool softeners too...

Jab, I agree with Lisa. I say, look forward to summer, getting in that kayak, getting to Scotland. Live life. We are all of us LIVING, that's what is important. Someday we will all die, but that's a matter for another day. Stage IV carries with it too much menace, I say, if necessary, allow yourself to get to stage III d or e, screw stage IV.

Ellen, as soon as I read your post I went on Amazon (no, didn't jump on AmazonWarrior, went to the site) and ordered the book. I too am feeling more emotions now. I think I just gritted my teeth and forged ahead for the last 9 months. It's been a rough ride, but I didn't stop to think or feel. Tomorrow I see the MO and get my script for my aromatase. I'm not happy about it: I plan to jump up and down and demand whatever drugs I need so that I can tolerate the hormone therapy. Better a drug addict than dead, I say. I can always kick whatever I'm on in five years if I can stay healthy. Heck with the DEA.

I'm here as the cheering section for those of you still in active treatment! You go girls!!!

Pat, I was typing when you posted...congratulations!  I'm so happy for you that you're on to maintenance mode!  Oh, happy day!