Am I deluding myself?

Lily, when I logged on and saw your post I had to double check I hadn't written it as I have been having asking myself such similar things week so the answer is yes! Like you overall I am in a really gd place and emotionally, mentally and when I get over this op physically.  I have worked really hard to achieve this since my diagnosis in March 2011.  However in the last 2 weeks I have been rocked by the news that 2 of the women I made friends with who were diagnosed around the same time as me have been diagnosed stage IV and another who is a friend of a friend has died, it has made me question whether I have been deluding myself.  Anyway I ended up in floods of tears chatting to my BCN about it and asked her the question bluntly.  She is a very frank and straight talking and her answer was an unequivocal no, absolutely not. She has done this for years & years and said she has seen so many women with a really awful prognosis not just survive but go on to really thrive.  What she said is that they just cannot quantify or assess the specific individuality of the person and how much of an effect that has in your survival.  We are all very much individuals and each person's cancer is unique to them and each person's cancer journey is their own, that's what makes it so hard to find a 'cure'.

HI Lily55,

No dear, I don't think you're deluding yourself one bit.  As Lucca06 mentioned, each of our journies is so unique, and yet we all expience those little thoughts in our heads as you descibe.  I, myself am going thru one of these little fears that breaks into my own personal little cancer delusion.  Hopefully we can all be of encouragement to oneanother.  

Oceana

Hi Lily, 

I don't think that any of us can completely banish any fear that the other shoe could drop.  It seems to me that you are doing pretty well emotionally. I have met some women who are firmly convinced that the other shoe IS going to drop and that seems so sad to me because it makes it so difficult for them to enjoy their lives. 

In answer to your question, sometimes I get the negative thoughts (sometimes it's when I really don't want to do something that's a long term thing and I think, do I really want to spend my time doing this when I might not be around to reap the rewards - but I think thats just a weird justification I try to make to myself for not doing the thing). Most of the time though, I'm like you - it's all the aches and pains of the treatments that get me. Anyway, I plan on dying in my sleep at about 90. 

For me, the shoe dropped right away with a stage IV diagnosis.  I looked at the stats for lung mets, found I had half a chance of living 18 months, and got my affairs in order. When I realized I was still feeling pretty good, I started in on my bucket list.  Now it's three years after my dx and I'm feeling great and on my first treatment - anastrozole - with only minor side effects.  I get a little antsy every time I have scans, but I also know that there are lots more treatments out there for me.  I've had numerous friends who were diagnosed with mets and were gone in months and I don't know why I should be different.  It's as if I've gone through what you fear and come out the other side. I guess I'm glad I didn't give away all my jewelry .

ziggypop, I've noticed that too and I had to take a break from this board for a few weeks because it was getting me down to see women with similar stats convinced they were going to be dead within five years. 

I do have dark moments - wondering if I will leave my fiancee a young widower, wondering if my parents will have to bury me, wondering if I'll ever get the chance to have children and be around for a significant part of their lives. But being diagnosed so young makes it so scary to think about dying that I just can't wrap my mind around it most of the time. And what good would dwelling on it do? I found a lump, I went to the doctor right away, found a top oncologist, I'm following an aggressive treatment plan, I'm asking the right questions, I'm making or plan to make the lifestyle changes I think have the best evidence behind them (like upping my exercise). I've done or I'm doing absolutely everything I can to kick this thing. And I truly think I can.

Faith 316

Amen!

Momine, I was thinking that too.  What to do about retirement accounts?  Is there really any chance I will get to retirement age?  If I need that money before retirement age, with taxes and penalties, would I lose mire then I would have gained?  Sorry if im getting off topic, it just makes my head spin.

They told me I have a 50/50 chance of surviving ten years.  However, those calculators don't go up to my tumor size or number of lymph nodes.  I'm prepared for the worst but hope for the best.

I'm living life and most days I don't think about breast cancer.  In fact through out treatment I never felt like a person who had cancer and that pissed me off even more.  I'm doing a little bit right and well frankly I'm doing a little bit wrong.  I could do it all right and have mets/recurrence or I could everything wrong and nothing will happen.  It is a crap shoot...try and live life, laugh and have fun.  My dad is 75, walks all the time and while crossing the street on Feb 8th he gets hit by a car. Just goes to show you just never know.  He's been in ICU since Feb. 8th...been touch and go but I think he's gonna be okay.  This comes on the heals of my mom being diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer.  Life keeps throwing me curve balls but I'm gonna keep fighting and living.  When you let the fear of cancer, met or recurrence control you then you let the beast win.  Katy  

Kicks - By things that I 'don't want to do' - I meant things like working on my dissertation. The 'reward' for that comes a long time down the road with a teaching job - but when I'm really sick of working on the dissertation, then I sometimes am tempted to use the fact that I may not be around for that job as an excuse to whine. Waaa, poor me. 

ziggypop,

Just read your post. After I finished my master's I thought I might get my doctorate someday. After my stage IV dx, I decided more education was not at the top of my priority list I decided all of my continuing education was going to be for sake of just learning something, no end goal. Hence, I've been deeply immersed in Norse mythology and learning Norwegian. Why? It just caught my fancy. I thank bc for that. Pleasure oriented learning has been a joy. What's next ? I'm toying with the idea of learning Latin...

Caryn

momine,

Takk! I'm finding it surprisingly easy (no conjugating verbs in a given tense!) I understand that it's quite close to Swedish, especially if you are learning bokmal. Very ot, but any similarity to Danish?

Ha det bra,

Caryn

for those of you who are wondering whether to keep putting money in your retirement account, by which I assume you mean IRAs's, 401k's and the like, there is a way to withdraw money without the 10% penalty, even below the minimum age, if you are disabled. So regardless of how likely you think you are ever to reach retirement age, money in a retirement account is useful for backup.

Curveball,  the rep for my 401k/403b at work says they do not forgo the penalties for any reason and that you would still have to pay the taxes.  That's thru Fidelity.  Next year my employer begins matching a percentage of what I put in.  Then it will be more adventagious.  

Today I feel so "normal" that I feel like I live forever.   Other days not so much.

dutchris,

Hardship withdrawals from 401-k accounts depend on the employers rules, so you'd have to check, but you can take money out of an IRA without the 10% penalty in some cases:

The government will allow investors to withdraw money from their qualified retirement plan to pay for unreimbursed deductible medical expenses that exceed 10 percent of adjusted gross income.

The withdrawal must be made in the same year that the medical bills were incurred.

You do not have to itemize deductions to take advantage of this exception to the 10 percent tax penalty, according to IRS Publication 590.

The IRS dictates that investors must be totally and permanently disabled before they can dip into their retirement plans without paying a 10 percent penalty. The easiest way to prove disability to the IRS is by collecting disability payments from an insurance company or from Social Security.

Contributions to a Roth IRA can be taken out at any time, and its earnings may be withdrawn penalty and tax-free after five years. The same rules apply to a Roth 401(k), but only if the employer plan permits.

I hope you enjoy your retirement savings years and years from now, but there are ways to use the money if you need it earlier without paying a penalty.