How do you keep from feeling your life's been ruined?

paloverde,

I really do understand what you are saying here, I too feel that way, as you put it 'damaged goods' .  The the long list of possible side effects can feel so unending, so crushing. Thankfully, some are temporary and unfortunately some permanent.  None of us comes out completely unscathed. It is true to say that life will never be the same again, how could it be?  The fluffy pinkness that that follows this disease does not reflect the impact of bc on the whole of our lives, as you say, on your career, your perception of yourself and how others might see you.  

I am older than you at 52, but I share so many things you have touched on, by far the hardest part of this was telling my sons aged 18 and 14. I thanked G-d it was me everyday and not them, for that I am truly thankful. I don't know if you have children so this might not apply. But that was one of the things that got me through in the beginning. Me and not them, me and not them. I said it over and over. In the early days I looked in the mirror when the bald, no eyelashed/browed woman stared back. I swear I did not smile for a whole year.

nearly 2 years on I can smile, but I don't laugh much. I am on heavy duty anti-depressants, I do not believe I could have got through a day without them. It's not ideal but there it is. I know that as a stage iii I am at higher risk for cancer to return and when I forget, I catch my breath as I am reminded. it's truly horrible.

Having said that it does get easier, I don't know how that happens - but it does. You somehow emerge from the ashes. Still you, but a 'you' is that is unrecognisable to yourself. You have to become that 'you' that stares back. Some say it makes them stronger, some frailer, some embrace life, others withdraw, some find new meaning, some feel lost. Each day a 'fragment' of post-cancer 'you' will be come apparent. Those fragments, the broken bits, we have to put them back together somehow. For me I needed time and space by myself to do that. I  had to prune relationships that were harmful to me. I embraced new friends, I met a lovely woman in with me at hospital, younger, and i know we will be lifelong friends and that helps.

Also, the women here, when I felt I could not cope they helped, soothed, dried my tears and lit the way for me. I gratefully followed. 

I hope this helps.                       

Palo - FarmerLucy said it beautifully and I second everything she wrote.  I read your post yesterday and have been thinking about it ever since.  I wish I could reach through cyberspace and give you a huge hug.  You sounded so much like I did when I was going through active treatment. 

You're in the middle of treatment now - of course your life has been turned upside down and that would make anyone feel disoriented.  I've heard people talk of b/c as a "journey" - that word never worked for me - I thought it was more like a bomb going off.  There I was, minding my own business and living my little life when BOOM!!  This bomb went off.  I found myself sitting dazed in a pile of debris, as pieces of my life floated down around me.  WTF?????

But it really does get better with time.  You pick up the pieces one at a time.  There are small milestones - that first week when you don't have a doctor's appointment!  The first time time you laugh till you cry (or even wet your pants!).  The first time you can walk a mile without being exhausted.  The first time that awful metallic taste is gone. The morning you notice some peach fuzz on your head and realize that your hair is growing back.  The first time you get your hair cut. The morning you notice that those scars aren't such an angry red anymore, but seem to be fading.  The first morning you wake up and cancer isn't the first thing on your mind.  

I'm six years out now and loving life.  My scars have faded to fine white lines.  I had great recon and honestly forget most of the time that they are not the original "girls".  I live, love, and laugh.  I find that I'm much less fearful about trying new things - I'm up for anything now.  Why not?  I never ran before b/c but a few years ago I got into running, and now love running 5K and 10K races, and I even ran a half marathon last year!  I'm 58 years old, and feel years younger than that.  Yes, the fear of recurrence is there, but worry is useless.  If I don't recur, then all that time I spent worrying about recurrence was wasted.  And if I do recur, then I wasted my disease-free years with worry when I could have been out living life instead.  I have reached a point where I no longer think of myself as a cancer patient, but as someone who once had cancer happen to them in the past.  With luck, it will continue to recede into the past for me. 

You are going through one of the most searing experiences anyone can have right now.  Take advantage of all your resources - including anti-depressants if you need them.  Let others fuss and worry about you.  Treat yourself at least as gently and kindly as you would treat a friend who was going through cancer.  

And finally, BCO is wonderful.  Are you active in the chemo thread for your month?  I know I never would have been able to get through chemo without my March 2008 chemo thread ladies.  The people here on BCO have been with me for every step of the way - there's always been a section here for whatever I happened to be going through at the time.  I'm mostly active now in the Exercise thread, since that's my focus now.  But as FarmerLucy says, I also find a lot of joy in paying it forward to those who are behind me.  Many many women have walked this path before you.  During the dark days of my own active treatment, many women here on BCO who were ahead of me on the path reached back to help me, and I hung on to them for dear life.  Now I'm in a position to reach my hand back to grasp the hands of others who are behind me on this path to help them get through this.  We're a long chain of strong women helping each other.  We'll always be here for you. 

i may not be able to have a recon now but was glad to see your post, i feel like i am in someone elses nughtmare, not a life with joy and happiness in it

(((Music)))  Gentle hugs to you.  So many of us are lucky with this disease, but who knows why some are not.  My mom was dx Stage IV from the get go too - she saw her doctor regularly and got mammos religiously, and still was Stage IV when she was dx.  So maybe there's nothing that would have changed even if you'd done things differently 2 years ago.  Please be kind to yourself.  I hope that Femara keeps you stable for a long time and that you'll have many happy times with your husband and kids in the time ahead. 

Its so funny. I feel the same way on some days. I am really trying to get my life back together. It is two years later coming up March ( second surgery). I do think exercise is good. Last year although I was fine, I went through cancer with my mother.I feel like that was set back of sorts. I was ready to move forward, but ended up going through it with her. Thank good ness she is well.

 Since my surgeriessssssssssssss I have not slept well. I am not on any medication, but I feel exhausted most of the time. I never thought this would go on and on,  I really miss my old self. Not that it was perfect, but I felt more in control of life. I am behind at work in terms of progress because i was out and had to end up staying in a position longer than I anticipated .I am working on leaving now. I resent the time constraints I have not in moving. I feel rushed. I feel like everyone expects you to be fine and really your just figuring out what happened and that you will never really be yourself again. I think once I accept that I will am new person ( like it or not) that I will heal emotionally. I kept thinking I would eventually return to the way I felt before BC. I guess I need to appreciate who I am now. Its so hard.

Mind you lack of sleep is not good. I have random pain in the one breast, etc.. I am grateful for early detection, but stil feel sad sometimes. Sigh.

I am still trying to figure out how to keep from feeling my life has been ruined......I was under a lot of stress for the past 6 years since I was Diagnosed. Job loss, S.O. loss, foreclosure on my house. I was just coming back from this stuff, when I was diagnosed.I was supposed to start back up in school to finish a degree. Now feel I am left speechless and life less. I am single and think a lot about those who have a partner to be supportive of them. I am half way through my chem tx., then I have surgery (not sure exactly how much yet) and then Radiation. I am right now financially devastated  again. Dont know how long I will be able to stay in my apartment. I have a beautiful son who is 18 and graduating from high School in several months. He is the rock in my life...I am thankful for that. I will be starting Taxol this week, for the next 8 weeks (every 2 weeks). I am scared of the SE of Neuropathy as I need to try and support my self after all my treatment is over. I need fine hand dexterity for my job and also for the degree I was trying to finish. I feel the only way I can survive is 1 day at a time. This however confuses me because one must have some type of goals and plans for their life in order to have something to look forward to. I am unsure now how much to plan and what goals to set. I am 51 and my age makes it hard  to try and start over as one would financially, or other ways............. I can understand all of these posts....I am waiting to see how I can grow from this experience. Wisdom where are you?

Forgot to add--Cons, I'm the same age as you.  I was 49 when diagnosed.  

Hi Ladies,

There is no doubt that having bc, and all that goes with it, stinks. At times, given the disease and all of life's stresses, it seems impossible to handle it all. I am loathe to give advice since we are all so different but I thought I'd speak to you from the perspective of someone 2 1/2 out from dx and stage IV. The beginning was a mess, let's just leave it at that. After I recovered from all the physical stuff and figured out just how bc would effect my life, I decided to live until such time as I no longer can. I went back to work, because I love my job and I am single thus self supporting. I am not young, 57 in fact. I am traveling more when possible and not thinking too far in to the future. I am not on any restrictive regimens with respect to diet or lifestyle. I try to enjoy everyday, though like all of us, sometimes it's not easy. I do take Effexor and have no qualms about it. I think time and it's inevitable passage has been the greatest help. Wishing you all the best.

First let me ask you guys who take Effexor; does it help and do have unmanageable SEs? Every med has them but I take Tamoxifen already and I don't want to add something else that is tough to handle sometimes although I will say Tamoxifen has taken me from a osteoporosis dx to just outside it which is really progress considering. My Oncologist said it was definitely the difference. I was on Arimidex but with having osteoporosis I didn't need a drug to rob the brittle bones I have. So far, so good. Exercise is key.

As for BC ruining my life I don't think of it that way and trust me I could rival the pain and anguish some of you guys are going through. Not trying to be flippant at all just saying my resolve has been tested to the max with my youngest son over the past 5+ years and my husband who nearly died in 2002.  I think I went through both very difficult times in a fog much like I did when I was first DX. It was kind of like okay yet another cross to bear. I wouldn't allow myself to show my fear to family or friends so I kept my game face on until I was alone with the exception of one friend who went through something similar with BC. I know we all feel like Mrs Job sometimes. We didn't ask for this but we got the unlucky draw. Some of us live life the way you are lectured to do...eat right, exercise, don't smoke or drink, limit stress and on and on and still got it. There is no justice sometimes. BC is not discriminating at all.

I am the poster person for anxiety so I rely on prayer. Not trying to be a zealot at all - trust me I save my sins for reconciliation because the priest is going to be in there awhile but I don't see any other place to turn. Its hard for us not to be able to control this hand we are dealt. We have no guarantees no matter what stage we are. I personally hang on every encouraging word from my oncologist because its all I have to hang on to; that and my Oncotype test. It is what it is.

I pray for each and every one of us. Remember we are all stronger than we think. We are here; that is proof of that. Keep the faith. Diane

I just came across this thread....it has really hit me as being powerful. I've had similar thoughts, my life is ruined and I will never get it back. My body is disfigured for sure, and I have no clear idea on how or if that will get better after my fiasco with TE's. I was 39 at dx and it came completely out of left field. I didn't think ever think the feeling of "is this really happening to me" would subside, but it has. I am finally getting to a place of accepting that yes, this is happening to you. Today I felt almost normal, light and free....probably for the first time since my dx in October. But, tonight...everyone is asleep and I am up alone with my thoughts.

I just want to say that I appreciate how real and honest ya'll are. It helps so much to know that I am not alone, as cliche' as that sounds. No one really gets this.

Anyway, I'm just learning that this is truly one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time thing. I have moments when I feel like things are going to be okay, and then it'll come crashing down again and I'll be in fear again.

I love ya'll, I don't know you...but I do ((hugs))

I have been on Effexor for a bit over 2 years. No se's that I notice. I take 75 mg a day and my psych had me work up to that dosage over time. I am, by nature, calm and upbeat, but I feel the Effexor really keeps me even keeled in the face of a stage IV dx. I've said this many times, so forgive my saying it again, but my life is pretty much as it's always been, save for a few more medical appointments. Ruined? Shortened in the long run, but not even close to ruin.

mcgis,

Very sorry that you have to join us. You are clearly not alone and you are not damaged goods. We have a disease and it is a bitch, but as with any serious disease we cope with it and love ourselves in spite of it. You did nothing to cause this so don't feel guilty. Your dx line is blank, so I don't know where you're at in terms of stage, tx, etc. but as you get through each hurdle and time passes, it usually gets easier. If you are having a difficult time mentally/emotionally, please see a psych who deals with cancer patients. They can be valuable resources in coping with bc. Life will never be the same, but it can be very good.

Hi Dawn - Wow - You have been dealt blow after blow after blow. I'm so sorry. I don't really have any insight. Your stage change disappointment reminds me of when I had the surprise dx in the final pathology and I fell apart. I guess I was grieving the loss of - well - the dream of outrunning breast cancer.  Looking at your timeline it looks like you could be at that critical time after active treatment ends when we are so vulnerable to PTSD-like symptoms. 

A book I came across a couple months ago is called "Good Grief". I devoured it in one sitting.

My counselor who is a Cancer social worker told me early on that I had a lot of work to do before I would feel better. I thought I'd bounce back from this as I'd always done in the past. It seems my life was destined to take a different path.

I wish I had some words of wisdom. One of the things my counselor suggested I do was to come up with a mantra of sorts to repeat to myself during the day. I decided on "Keep on Keepin On." After all, that was the only choice I had.  She would also say, "You know how long it will take for you to feel better?  As long as it takes."

We're here for you and you are not alone. Gentle cyber hug.

I know! I had no idea!  PTSD felt like the best kept secret when I hit rock bottom. There is a study on the main pages of BCO that shows that around 25% of us suffer from PTSD like symptoms usually when active treatment ends. Here is another BCO link http://www.breastcancer.org/treatment/side_effects/stress_disorder

This is a link to the Good Grief book http://www.amazon.com/Good-Grief-GRIEF-50TH-ANNIV-Paperback/dp/B008MD19N4/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&qid=1393473567&sr=8-4&keywords=good+grief+book 

Also I found this book very helpful. It is written by a two time BC survivor who is also social worker  http://www.amazon.com/After-Breast-Cancer-Common-Sense-Treatment/dp/0553384252/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1393473739&sr=8-1&keywords=after+breast+cancer+schnipper

Take care. I hope things start to get easier for you.

tangangchris - Have you been able to find a counselor? Also ask your doc for antianxiety meds and antidepressants if you need them. I know things are really dark right now. It is not always going to be like this, I promise. One day, hour. minute at a time. Wishing you a restful and peace-filled sleep.  Please keep in touch.