dealing w people

Hugs!

People are "weird" about cancer.  I learned this pretty quickly growing up as a sibling of someone with cancer and with many relatives with cancer.  Perfectly normal, kind, sane people often act in completely bizarre ways when you or someone you are close to get a cancer diagnosis.  You really can't predict who will step up and become your biggest support (and often it's someone you never would have thought you'd be close to!) and who simply won't be able to handle it.

The way I've come to handle it is by maybe being a little bit selfish in some ways.  When it happens, I focus my energy on the people who are there and can be there and I prioritize spending time with them because I need that support.  Those who simply aren't comfortable or can't really grasp what I'm going through...I let them drift off as they need to or simply prioritize time with them lower for now.  I try to understand that their reaction to what's going on usually is a lot more about where they are.  Maybe the diagnosis has sparked fear in them.  Maybe they just don't know how to respond and are doing their best.  There are all kinds of reasons people say or do stupid or hurtful things when cancer is involved and almost all of them have to do with how that person handles these things and nothing at all to do with the patient or their family or how that person feels about them.

After things have calmed down, some of those relationships have come back and some haven't.  Sometimes they evolve into a different kind of friendship and the friendships that I gained during the "crisis" time have grown in other directions.  I even have some friends who seem to only want to be there when there is a crisis.  I find if I'm just open to letting those things change as they will, it's a lot easier.

Sorry for droning on!  You also might want to look into local support groups where you could make new friends who would better understand exactly what you're going through.  Your bf may also benefit from a group where he could talk with other family and partners of people since he has a lot to adjust to and may also feel like his current friends might not understand.

Again, big hugs to you!

Cathy,

I am not as knowledgeable as a lot of the women on these boards. So, this is not fact. It seems like the majority of us gets surgery first. Some women with very large tumors, or inflammator cancer will have chemo first. I have read that some will have chemo, surgery & then more chemo.

My surgeon ( who is fantastic ) really pushes for the lumpectomy, also my personal Dr. But it was still my choice. Mascetomy is a good choice for some, the reconstruction part sounds barbaric to me, but that's me. Lumpectomy was pretty easy, the incision where they take the nodes out is the worst part. You might not have to do that..also the drains are a hassle but they come out in 5 days, sometimes 10. 

Being left alone has become my mantra. I am, or was a very active person. When the eyebrows & eyelashes fell out, it took me over the edge. Seriously, I am doing ok. Just finished radiation. It's ok to be selfish right now. You have to put yourself first, the stress & anxiety is really hard.

Hi Cathy, 

Surgery usually does happen first, but sometimes not. I had a very large tumor and they knew that multiple nodes were positive so knew that I would need chemo - that being the case they gave me chemo first in hopes that it would shrink the tumor enough to allow for a lumpectomy, it did shrink it but not enough. I believe also that if your cancer is HER2+ they do some chemo first and some after. Some people don't have chemo at all. 

The responses that you get from people can be all over the place and sometimes very unexpected. I actually know many women who become very good friends with their ex's new wife (even if they became involved during the marriage) and it often happens during a time of trauma. Maybe the new wives feel like they 'owe' support to the previous wife - don't know but it happens. Anyway - it's good that she's being supportive. As to your friend - sometimes people want to help & they think that being 'positive' and minimizing it is the best way to do that. There's a whole thread here about stupid things that people say to you when you have cancer. When I called my brother to tell him that I had BC the first thing he said was: "Well, I have things too, you know, " - he has never been too socially adept, he has actually been very sweet through the whole thing. Help will come from strange places & sometime you will just be dumbfounded at the things people say.

Try to have somebody go with you to your appointment, there will be a lot of information and it can be really hard to take note, and think and respond all at once. Also having somebody else there tends to slow the appointment down a little & help make sure that more of your questions get answered. ((hugs))