How to ask for help when going through BC on your own

MInaBee - So sorry you have to join us, but so glad you've found a great support system here at BCO.  I learned early on that it is so very important to take someone with you to those first appointments when everyone is discussing diagnosis / options.  It is such a help to have another set of ears in the room.  Let your sister go with you - she might be going because she doesn't know what else to do right now and it will help her understand as well.  Just something to think about.  Sending you a big hug and a little prayer!  Please let us know how you make out next week.

Minabee - I'm sorry that you have been diagnosed - one place that your will get a lot of help is here. I wish I had found this site earlier on as there is so much useful info. I am a lot like you, alone - but not alone as I have many supportive friends and family members. The first hard thing is as you say, telling people and putting on the 'I'm okay face'. One thing that a lot of people find helpful is to have a 'page' or some place where you post info on what is going on because it really can get overwhelming just explaining the details over and over again. 

Please do let your sister (or somebody you feel comfortable with) go along to those first appointments - but also allow yourself to tell them what you need (I need you to be quiet and just take notes - or I need you to make sure that I ask all these questions I need you to just be quiet on the way home so I an process what I just heard or I'd really like to go out and have lunch and not talk about the cancer). 

I wouldn't worry too much about using people up, when they offer to be a driver (for instance), you can say - "Right now I'm set but I know that there will be times in the next few months and it's really great that I know I can call you." Part of how much 'help' and of what kind depends on what treatments you end up having - sometimes it ends up being much less than what you expect & sometimes a lot more. You can't plan very far in advance. Also - don't forget that helping someone isn't always a 'burden'. Sometimes it ends up being a time for other people to slow down a bit and enjoy your company. If you don't feel like you can be 'afraid' or 'angry' or whatever you happen to feel like in front of your family - you can do it here. 

Many, many, many hugs. 

Keep us up with what is going on with you. 

MinaBee,

I am sorry that it is cancer. 

With that, just a few practical things that will help in these early stages.

BCO.org and it's main pages are a good beginning resource to get used to the medical terms (i.e. "grade" "stage" "hormonal receptors" etc.

As with all cancers, "breast cancer" is an umbrella term used to cover a whole host of different kinds of cancers that can effect the breast. It will take a bit of time for YOUR picture to come into view. It will be based on that picture that a treatment plan will come together. Many times you do have options within that, based on what is found.

If you need some sort of help with the dealing of the anxiety etc (anti-anxiety meds) please ask for them. Most women, including those who tend to push pills away do find that, especially in the early stages, the meds very helpful at keeping their head calmer. So don't hesitate if you think it would be helpful

Top of this forum "Just Diagnosed" you will find a sticky for "newbies" Some very practical advice and insights that can help you get a sense of having control. 

Most of the women who come here explain the process of "it's sucks, yea, but it was more do-able than I first thought"

So, keep taking deep breathes. 

Also know that on the weekends often times the boards get a bit more quiet as many of the women here "take the weekend off from anything cancer". Something to think about if you can. Though that may be hard for you since you just found out.

You are not alone. Hugs...

MinaBee--

Being here is a great start to getting help! I think I learned more and squashed my fear more by reading these boards than any other way. I am like you--really not inclined to ask for help or to make a big deal out of things. Unlike you, I'm married and I have two young children, and I felt a lot of pressure to seem "fine" for them especially. My husband is wonderful, but took on a lot of the household/child responsibilities during diagnosis and treatment and so I found myself in a strange new land of needing to a) tell people I was not fine and b) asking them for favors left, right and center, especially favors that had to do with getting my children places and taking care of them. It was overwhelming, but because I obviously couldn't leave my 3 year old standing out on a sidewalk at 6pm when no one came to get him, I did it. And I learned, along the way, that people want to help and were glad to do it whenever they could. I was humbled by the support from my friends, and especially from my 21 year old babysitter who, having not much life experience of her own but being a really wonderful person, made herself totally available to me. (I am embarrassed to say I once called her half-naked from the radiation changing room in a panic because I was 2 hours delayed and needed her to drop everything to pick up one of my sons from school. Guess what? She didn't bat an eye and she did it!). Let your sister help you, and as you go on, you will have a feel for who to rely on. And they will amaze you. Breast cancer is just plain no good, but it has the power to show you how strong people who care about you are, and that is some small consolation. I wish you the best of luck. Your diagnosis so far sounds very manageable and I hope it continues that way.

Please remember that sometimes people NEED to help.  I know when my stepfather was very ill, I wanted to be there for him.  It wasn't a burden because it made ME feel better knowing that he was looked after.  Sometimes it's actually more stressful for your friends and family to feel pushed out or worrying about how you're doing.  I kept telling my son not to go to chemo with me and he resisted and would come anyway.  I felt I was burdening him but after a while I realized that he WANTED to be there.  My insisting that he not come was actually making him feel out of the loop.  Now that we've worked this out, it works great for both of us.  If he can't come because he's got to work, I'm fine with that because I know that if I need him there, he'd be there.  When he does come, which is most of the time, we have a nice lunch while I'm getting tx or we'll go out to lunch afterwards.  It sure makes getting the tx somewhat enjoyable.  So your sister probably wants to be there for you and I doubt she would find it a burden.

MinaBee,

Just wondering how your appt goes. I know it's sometime this afternoon and that you are in PA.

Sending hugs...

Minabee - Thinking about you today & hoping that your appointment was a good one.  ((hugs))

Sending hugs….We are here when you are ready….

MinaBee - Well, at least now you have a (partial) plan of action.  That will make things a little easier to sort out.  So glad your sister went with you!  She will be a great help to you in the coming weeks.  Now all you have to do is learn to let people help when they offer.  Just remember that you're also helping them by allowing them to do something positive rather than just sitting on the sidelines...  You're young and you can do this!  And whenever you need us, we're right here...

Thanks for the update MinaBee.

Now that your picture is coming to more clear view, Im sure you are aware of the various forums on the board. YOu are going to be able to go to those areas and get helpful advice and insight from women who are in similar circumstances, and/or going thru same treatments. 

Wishing you nothing but the best. 

sweetie, let someone in for you will need all of the support you can get, for it got me through, my sisters went with me to a few app, and my husband or Fiancee at the time was there for me, and I needed him there, don,t go through this without family and friends, let them in. msphil(idc, stage2, 0/3 nodes, L mast, chemo and rads and 5 yrs on tamoxifen) I am by the Grace of GOD a 20 yr this year SURVIVOR.