How to ask for help when going through BC on your own

MinaBee

Partially diagnosed today.  Had biopsy two days ago after a BIRAD 5
mam/US and BS said he’d have results today, so when the results were not yet
available he got any info he could.  Tech
told him the tests are not complete but cancer cells are visible.  Have to wait until Monday for further
information.  I’m glad he gave me that much so I can face reality over the weekend.  Mass is 10mm and physical
exam implied normal lymph nodes so BS say I’m clinically Stage 1, but need
pathology findings to confirm.  He’s
expecting breast conservation surgery (which he says is a little different from
lumpectomy??) and further treatment plans are dependent on the pending results (and any big decisions I may want to make).

I’m 47, divorced, no kids and have no dear one in my life
at this time.  I do have supportive
family and friends, but I’m not the type to ask for help easily.  So the scary part for me is getting through
this without burdening other people.  My
sister is the type to dive into projects and she is all over this, doing
research and asking to go to appts with me (bless her heart). 
I just don’t want to wear her out before things get rough.  I’m a logical person, not prone to
emotional outbreaks and don't wear my emotions on my sleeve, so I feel a need to put on that “I’m ok” face when telling the
family, which I expect will eventually become too difficult and tiresome to
keep up.

Any
suggestions on dealing with BC when you don’t know how to ask for or accept help?

AZ85048

MInaBee - So sorry you have to join us, but so glad you've found a great support system here at BCO.  I learned early on that it is so very important to take someone with you to those first appointments when everyone is discussing diagnosis / options.  It is such a help to have another set of ears in the room.  Let your sister go with you - she might be going because she doesn't know what else to do right now and it will help her understand as well.  Just something to think about.  Sending you a big hug and a little prayer!  Please let us know how you make out next week.

AZ85048

Also, take notes and ask questions.  You are your own best advocate.  I used to have a list of questions for the BS in an app on my phone.  Now I have one for the PS. 

The hardest thing I had to learn was to ask for help.  I'm single and live alone with no immediate family locally.  Thankfully I have dear friends who from the minute I told them, stepped right up and told me they would do whatever it took - all I had to do was ask.  And you know what?  They've been there every step of the way!  I talked to them about it and they told me that they felt so much better being included in the process rather than sitting by helplessly and watching what I was going through....

ziggypop

Minabee - I'm sorry that you have been diagnosed - one place that your will get a lot of help is here. I wish I had found this site earlier on as there is so much useful info. I am a lot like you, alone - but not alone as I have many supportive friends and family members. The first hard thing is as you say, telling people and putting on the 'I'm okay face'. One thing that a lot of people find helpful is to have a 'page' or some place where you post info on what is going on because it really can get overwhelming just explaining the details over and over again. 

Please do let your sister (or somebody you feel comfortable with) go along to those first appointments - but also allow yourself to tell them what you need (I need you to be quiet and just take notes - or I need you to make sure that I ask all these questions I need you to just be quiet on the way home so I an process what I just heard or I'd really like to go out and have lunch and not talk about the cancer). 

I wouldn't worry too much about using people up, when they offer to be a driver (for instance), you can say - "Right now I'm set but I know that there will be times in the next few months and it's really great that I know I can call you." Part of how much 'help' and of what kind depends on what treatments you end up having - sometimes it ends up being much less than what you expect & sometimes a lot more. You can't plan very far in advance. Also - don't forget that helping someone isn't always a 'burden'. Sometimes it ends up being a time for other people to slow down a bit and enjoy your company. If you don't feel like you can be 'afraid' or 'angry' or whatever you happen to feel like in front of your family - you can do it here. 

Many, many, many hugs. 

Keep us up with what is going on with you. 

Ariom

Wonderful advice from Ziggypop, and AZ, not much else to add except to say, please accept help when it is offered, that isn't being a burden. I am sure you extend the hand of friendship to others when they need it. It's the same thing. Both the giver and the receiver can get a lot out of it.

Take care and let us know how you get on on Monday! Hugs from across the ocean... 

marie5890

MinaBee,

I am sorry that it is cancer. 

With that, just a few practical things that will help in these early stages.

BCO.org and it's main pages are a good beginning resource to get used to the medical terms (i.e. "grade" "stage" "hormonal receptors" etc.

As with all cancers, "breast cancer" is an umbrella term used to cover a whole host of different kinds of cancers that can effect the breast. It will take a bit of time for YOUR picture to come into view. It will be based on that picture that a treatment plan will come together. Many times you do have options within that, based on what is found.

If you need some sort of help with the dealing of the anxiety etc (anti-anxiety meds) please ask for them. Most women, including those who tend to push pills away do find that, especially in the early stages, the meds very helpful at keeping their head calmer. So don't hesitate if you think it would be helpful

Top of this forum "Just Diagnosed" you will find a sticky for "newbies" Some very practical advice and insights that can help you get a sense of having control. 

Most of the women who come here explain the process of "it's sucks, yea, but it was more do-able than I first thought"

So, keep taking deep breathes. 

Also know that on the weekends often times the boards get a bit more quiet as many of the women here "take the weekend off from anything cancer". Something to think about if you can. Though that may be hard for you since you just found out.

You are not alone. Hugs...

juneping

i just had my surgery in dec....i thought i was going to be okay on my own. i thought about looking for those helper that covered by my insurance. but at the end my sister came to help without me asking.

so i am sure things will work out. but if i were you, i'd as your sister to help you to take care of you after the surgery. it's even better to go to the hospital with you on the surgery day. i am not going to lie, it didn't hit me until i came out from the surgery. that moment i was glad my sis was there to help me and take care of me. if for nothing else, you two will get to spend some quality time together.

kika2013

MinaBee--

Being here is a great start to getting help! I think I learned more and squashed my fear more by reading these boards than any other way. I am like you--really not inclined to ask for help or to make a big deal out of things. Unlike you, I'm married and I have two young children, and I felt a lot of pressure to seem "fine" for them especially. My husband is wonderful, but took on a lot of the household/child responsibilities during diagnosis and treatment and so I found myself in a strange new land of needing to a) tell people I was not fine and b) asking them for favors left, right and center, especially favors that had to do with getting my children places and taking care of them. It was overwhelming, but because I obviously couldn't leave my 3 year old standing out on a sidewalk at 6pm when no one came to get him, I did it. And I learned, along the way, that people want to help and were glad to do it whenever they could. I was humbled by the support from my friends, and especially from my 21 year old babysitter who, having not much life experience of her own but being a really wonderful person, made herself totally available to me. (I am embarrassed to say I once called her half-naked from the radiation changing room in a panic because I was 2 hours delayed and needed her to drop everything to pick up one of my sons from school. Guess what? She didn't bat an eye and she did it!). Let your sister help you, and as you go on, you will have a feel for who to rely on. And they will amaze you. Breast cancer is just plain no good, but it has the power to show you how strong people who care about you are, and that is some small consolation. I wish you the best of luck. Your diagnosis so far sounds very manageable and I hope it continues that way.

MinaBee

All good advice and a lot to absorb. Thanks so much! I'll have to work on learning to accept help as the needs arise.

I like the idea of a page, if I find the time to learn how.  And I really like the idea of taking a break on the weekends, eventually, as I'll be getting my notes in order and putting my list of questions together this weekend. Have appt with BS Monday afternoon and sis is going with me. BS mentioned he might send me for a second opinion - is that common that the doc recos that before the patient does? And I have no idea how quick things will happen after Monday.  One thing I've noticed by everyone's dates is things happen rapidly with BC.

aaoaao

Please remember that sometimes people NEED to help.  I know when my stepfather was very ill, I wanted to be there for him.  It wasn't a burden because it made ME feel better knowing that he was looked after.  Sometimes it's actually more stressful for your friends and family to feel pushed out or worrying about how you're doing.  I kept telling my son not to go to chemo with me and he resisted and would come anyway.  I felt I was burdening him but after a while I realized that he WANTED to be there.  My insisting that he not come was actually making him feel out of the loop.  Now that we've worked this out, it works great for both of us.  If he can't come because he's got to work, I'm fine with that because I know that if I need him there, he'd be there.  When he does come, which is most of the time, we have a nice lunch while I'm getting tx or we'll go out to lunch afterwards.  It sure makes getting the tx somewhat enjoyable.  So your sister probably wants to be there for you and I doubt she would find it a burden.

ziggypop

aaoaao's right - people want to help, sometimes they don't know how to & it's okay to tell them what you need. Put yourself on the flip side of the coin & imagine that it were your sister or your friend who had the cancer - you wouldn't think it a burden to 'help' them - it would be what you would want to do.Most people don't know exactly how to help (and know that they don't know how to help) - so just know that it okay for you to tell them what you need.  

marie5890

MinaBee,

Just wondering how your appt goes. I know it's sometime this afternoon and that you are in PA.

Sending hugs...

AZ85048

MinaBee - Best of luck to you today!  We'll be in your pocket at that appointment!  Please let us know how it goes...

ziggypop

Minabee - Thinking about you today & hoping that your appointment was a good one.  ((hugs))

Ariom

Me too, Minabee, I hope all went well for you!

marie5890

Sending hugs….We are here when you are ready….

MinaBee

If I did this right my new sig line should display what I know so far.  IDC, Grade 2.  My ER and PR are 100% positive.  HER2, I guess was borderline, was sent for further FISH testing (should know in a couple days).  BS explained my invasive as an open barn door and we now have to determine if the horse has left the barn!  Still clinically stage I.  Need to see PCP for blood work (had low platelets once when a teen - ITP) and expect Lumpectomy either 1/31 or 2/5 with LN removal.  Hope to go right to rads, but have to wait on results to see if chemo is needed.

Results could have been better, but could have also been worse.  I'm doing ok with the info so far (praying for HER2-, LN- and staying stage I).  Sis went with me, BS spent 2-1/2 hours with us answering questions and then Sis and I went out to dinner.  Tomorrow I'll organize all those notes and see what info I missed. 

Looks like I'm sticking around this forum - the education and support are fantastic and I was really touched to read that you were all thinking of and pulling for me today! Thanks to all!

AZ85048

MinaBee - Well, at least now you have a (partial) plan of action.  That will make things a little easier to sort out.  So glad your sister went with you!  She will be a great help to you in the coming weeks.  Now all you have to do is learn to let people help when they offer.  Just remember that you're also helping them by allowing them to do something positive rather than just sitting on the sidelines...  You're young and you can do this!  And whenever you need us, we're right here...

Moderators

MinaBee, thanks for checking in with your update! The main Breastcancer.org site has information that can be a big help as you move along, with details about the terms, tests, medications and other new subjects you'll encounter along the way.

We're here to support you!

• The Mods

marie5890

Thanks for the update MinaBee.

Now that your picture is coming to more clear view, Im sure you are aware of the various forums on the board. YOu are going to be able to go to those areas and get helpful advice and insight from women who are in similar circumstances, and/or going thru same treatments. 

Wishing you nothing but the best. 

Pattysmiles

I am sorry you have joined us but this is surely the best place to get info.

I was 47 when diagnosed.  I am identical to your personality description.

I did not want daily phone calls from numerous people asking about my condition and how I was feeling. I set up a caringbridge site and emailed all my family/friends the link.  Her is the website http://www.caringbridge.org/    I did an intro on the site thanking them for taking the time out to support me by reading the page and included a few sentences about preferring no phone calls...in my case I have3 children, I did not want them getting upset listening to details that I had no intention of sharing with them.   

I told very few people about my cancer, my husband did most of the talking.  I did find the few times I spoke about it I would get visibly upset, yet I didn't "mind" chemo or my surgeries.

I will say that as stoic as I was through the process I have since discovered the "after treatment is over I'm in "lala land"" phase of worrying.  There are a few threads on this site that discuss that.  Most of the women from my chemo month group are also "suffering" the same thoughts.  It IS a process.  You are surely in the right place.

Pat

msphil

sweetie, let someone in for you will need all of the support you can get, for it got me through, my sisters went with me to a few app, and my husband or Fiancee at the time was there for me, and I needed him there, don,t go through this without family and friends, let them in. msphil(idc, stage2, 0/3 nodes, L mast, chemo and rads and 5 yrs on tamoxifen) I am by the Grace of GOD a 20 yr this year SURVIVOR.